by Amos Cassidy
“Clay will never forgive me.”
I relaxed. I had him. “Clay doesn’t have to know. Listen, I’m always going off by myself, he knows that, so we’ll just let him think I’m on one of my sneaky runs. I’ll be back before he suspects.”
Blake’s eyes darkened. “And what if you’re not?”
What if you don’t come back? That’s what he meant. In all honesty, it was probably the most likely scenario, so why the hell did I have a bubble of excitement in my chest? There was something seriously wrong with me.
“She’ll be back. I’ll make sure of it,” Bernadette said.
“What?” I shook my head. “No. You’re not coming.”
She chuffed. “And you’re going to stop me how?”
She had a point, but it wouldn’t matter, us against them. “If I don’t come back, you let Clay believe I died in the Under. I’m sure the council can come up with some kind of cover—a body that looks like me. From what you say, there’re plenty out there. Just don’t . . . don’t let him lose hope. If I don’t come back, let him believe in the future for as long as he can.”
Blake ducked his head and swiped at his eyes. “There’s a rotation change at midnight. A ten minute window when the Eye won’t be manned.” He turned away and fixed his eyes on the monitors again.
We were done.
So done.
***
I couldn’t face the pretence of a normal conversation with Clay. He knew me too well, and I wasn’t that good a liar. I was sure he would read my intentions on my face, that he would try to stop me, and that he would succeed. I told myself I was the strong one, the fighter, the brave one for going into the Shadowlands time and time again, but was it bravery when I ached to go? Surely bravely was conquering a fear, something Clay had done when he’d come to get me two weeks ago, getting so close to the Horizon that he could have touched it. Yeah, he thought I didn’t know about his fear, but I could read him just as well as he could read me.
He’d come to find me even though he was afraid. Clay was the brave one, not me, and if he decided to convince me to stay, I would buckle. The bravado would dissolve, and I would be the young girl who hid while her parents breathed their last, too afraid to watch them die.
I couldn’t face pretending that everything was normal, so I decided to bail on our meeting. I left him a note in his room saying I had a splitting headache and was getting an early night. It wasn’t his room, though. It was Blake’s room, although I could see traces of Clay everywhere. The socks kicked under the bed, the shirt draped over the chair, the hair clippings in the sink. Clay was such a slob. I chuckled to myself and then pressed my lips together as my chest filled with a strange, empty ache.
What if I never saw him again? What if I never got to hear him laugh or hold him? We’d been inseparable for nineteen years. He was the light to my shadow . . . what if I never made it back?
The door opened behind me and I jumped, swirling round to find Clay in the doorway.
“Hi.” Clay’s frown turned into a smile. “Ash, you’re early.”
I glanced at the note on his nightstand and he tracked my gaze, reached around me, and picked up the piece of paper.
I quickly painted a pained expression on my face as he scanned the note. His eyes darkened with concern and he shook his head.
“Of course. Go get some sleep.”
I nodded and moved toward the door, wanting to get away before my façade cracked, but my heart was in my mouth, and I needed to hug him, so I swerved and leaned in for what I planned to be a quick hug. But Clay wrapped his arms around me and squeezed me tight. I inhaled deeply, relaxing as his scent enveloped me.
“I love you, Clay.”
He tensed a fraction. “You all right, Ash?”
I forced a light laugh. “Has it been that long since I told you I loved you?”
His chest rumbled against my ear. “Love you too.”
CLAY
Clay watched her leave and then stared at the note in his hand. His gut felt tight and squirmy. He was worried about her. This thing with Ryder must have really messed her up. She was his sister. It was his job to protect her, but he was learning that he couldn’t protect her heart. Her heart could be broken, she could be wounded and he was helpless to shield it. It made him feel vulnerable, useless.
He undressed for bed and crawled under the covers. He would speak to her tomorrow, really speak to her about her feelings, and Ryder, and moving forward. He couldn’t shield her heart, but he could help heal it.
ASH
I don’t know why I ended up outside Ryder’s room. He wasn’t mine; he belonged to Nina, but I had to see him one last time before I left. I didn’t know whether I’d be coming back and I needed to say goodbye, even though I couldn’t say those words exactly. I knocked twice. There was no response, and I was about to turn away when he opened the door. I stared up at him and tried my damnedest to ignore his bare torso; the hard abs, the smooth, taut pecs. I swallowed.
“Hi,” I said.
He grabbed my elbow, pulled me into the room, and slammed the door. “What were you thinking going into a quarantine room without the proper scrubs?”
“What?” I stared at him in confusion.
“Nina told me how reckless you were today. Damn it, Ash. You could have caught whatever they had.”
I stared at him. He was pissed at me for going to those children, for trying to comfort them in their last moments on this earth.
He was pissed at me?
I shook him off. “Your precious Nina doesn’t give a shit about me. In fact, I’m sure she’d throw a party if I got sick and died. Might be a party for one, a very quiet party so no one would know how happy she was, but it would be a celebration.”
Ryder’s lip curled in disgust. “How can you say such things about the woman I . . . about Nina?”
“Um, because they’re true. She doesn’t know me. All she knows is that you and I hang out, a lot, and I’m a hot, kick-arse Reaper chick, who could give her a run for her money any day. So, yeah, she probably wishes I was gone ‘cos she feels threatened.”
He was staring at me now, his eyes roving up and down my body as if seeing it for the first time. His Adam’s apple bobbed. “She has no reason to be threatened. I’m with her.”
Something about his words, the tone and the body language, didn’t ring sincere enough. I sensed the doubt, actually felt it like a tangible force in the room when he spoke. It woke something inside me. A sense of danger.
I was gone in a couple of hours. Who knew if I would ever see him again? I could actually die out there and that would be that. I’d never drink grog again, never have another orgasm . . . never have kissed him.
“I’m with Nina,” he said again.
Who was he trying to convince?
I realised in all the years we’d been friends, we’d never been alone like this, in his room, in my room, away from prying eyes. It had always been the mission, the Shadowlands, the training room, the dining hall.
This was a first and the tension between us was palpable.
“You’re not with Nina now.” I took a step toward him.
His eyes darkened. “Ash . . .”
I moved fluidly, stopping when we were mere centimeters apart. I could feel the heat of his body. My fingers ached to touch his bare skin. I kept my eyes locked on his, watching the play of emotion in their emerald depths, watching him fight the desire. He wanted me.
He fucking wanted me, the bastard. Then why had he never acted on it? I didn’t understand, and it was too late to figure it out now.
“Ash—”
“Shut up and kiss me,” I said. For a moment, I thought I’d pushed too hard, that I’d misread the situation, but my doubts were quickly banished.
He closed the distance between us and claimed my mouth in a desperate kiss. His hand cupped the back of my head, holding me in place as his mouth bruised mine. He pushed me back until I was pressed against the door, lifted me, wrappe
d my legs around his waist and ground his crotch into me. I gasped at the evidence of his arousal. Fuck, he was hard and large, and I needed that.
“I’ve wanted to do this for so long, so fucking long.” He murmured before claiming my mouth again. I felt his fingers at the zip on my trousers and gasped as he rubbed against me. This was it. I had him, the man I had wanted for years. I had him and only one question kept going round in my head: if he’d wanted me for so long, why was he with Nina?
His fingers slid down the waistband of my trousers, and I grabbed his wrist.
He froze. “Shit,” he said. He stepped back, releasing me.
I stood against the door and did my zip back up.
He wouldn’t look at me now. His gaze was fixed on the floor hands on his head. “Shit. I’m with Nina. Dammit, Ash.”
What the fuck? Was he trying to make this my fault? “Don’t you dare pin this on me. You wanted me!”
He met my eyes, his own filled with burning anger. “’Course I wanted you! What fucking hot-blooded male wouldn’t? Your body was made for fucking, and I would have made my move ages ago, but then we became friends and . . . it didn’t seem right. I didn’t want to lose that. Fuck! I love you, Ash, as a friend, and yeah I would fuck you ’cos you’re hot but then what?” He shook his head. “I’ve been playing around for so long, but I never wanted to commit, not until Nina. With Nina, I feel like I’ve come home. I thought I’d done it, you know? Locked away the guy who just played around, and then this. You.” He turned away. “Just . . . go, please.”
His words filled my veins with ice. For a second I stood there frozen, processing. He never loved me, not in that way. He never wanted me, not romantically. I turned and slipped out of the room, leaving him to his guilt and angst.
***
I met Bernadette at the Hatch at midnight. We didn’t speak. We grabbed our harnesses and weapons and headed out.
It was only when we were outside, jogging low toward the Horizon that Bernadette spoke. “We can link the lines to the winch and then take off the harness and tie them off when we get to the Beyond. At least we’ll be able to find our way back.”
“Good plan but what if something else finds the line? What if it comes through the Horizon?”
“If that treaty is real, then that won’t happen. Besides, if they wanted to find us, they know exactly where we are. I doubt they have problems navigating these lands.”
Another point. I was glad she was with me. “Thanks,” I said.
“For what?” She glanced at me.
“For coming with me.”
She looked away. “Always.”
The Horizon loomed up ahead of us, and my stomach tightened in anticipation of the crossing.
Bernadette fumbled with my harness, and I realised she was attaching my line to the winch. I let her get on with it, eager to get going. Finally she was done and we stepped up to the Horizon. Her fingers laced through mine and I realised she was trembling. Then it hit me. This was her first proper foray through the Horizon. I squeezed her fingers gently, and together, we stepped through the veil.
CLAY
It was well past midnight when Blake crawled into bed next to Clay.
Sleep had well and truly been avoiding Clay. He’d try to think of monotonous things, like how many screws he had in his toolbox. Sometimes that worked, soothing his overly active brain. But not tonight. It just irritated him. All he could think about was Ash, the future.
“Hi,” Clay said.
“Why you still awake?”
“Can’t sleep.”
“What’s wrong?”
Clay turned to face Blake. He threw an arm around him, stroking his bare back in a soothing caress. “You’re here now.”
“I am.”
“Do you want to talk?”
Clay reached over and flicked on the little LED lamp, made by his hands, on the bedside table and sat up. Blake was resting his head on the pillow, watching him with those beautiful dark eyes. His dark hair was tucked behind his right ear. Mother, he was so handsome. Sometimes Clay could barely look at him without wanting to jump his bones. But there was something in those lovely orbs. Was it sadness, some kind of anxiousness?
“You okay, babe?” Clay said.
“Yeah. Listen, about today . . .” He sighed.
“What’s wrong?”
Blake smiled. “My brain won’t switch off either.”
“I’m worried about Ash.”
“You’re her brother, of course you worry. That’s your job.”
Clay noticed that Blake’s smile didn’t quite reach his eyes. It was this farming thing, the stress of the coming changes. They’d relied on the system for too long. The Reaper Programme had been in place for as long as Shelter had been occupied, and now that a new system was being put in place there was anxiety and growing pains. It was natural. Clay didn’t envy Blake his role as decision maker. “You did good,” Clay said. “You’ve given us hope.”
Not only was it his job to look out for his sister, it was also his job to care for his man. Clay may not be able to carry the weight of responsibility for him, but he could certainly help him forget it temporarily. He did want to tell him about the faulty grow light, but how could he? What would it do but add yet another layer of stress to things? Soon he’d get his secret project working, he just knew it.
“Clay, I love you.”
“I love you too.”
Clay positioned himself on all fours above Blake.
Blake reached up to stroke his face.
“You’re going to leave all of that stuff outside,” Clay said. “The door is closed and here we are. Submit to me.”
Blake licked his lips, lust flooding his blue eyes.
“Do you submit?”
“Always.”
“Good.”
Clay nuzzled Blake’s neck, kissing his skin, flicking his tongue over the surface. Blake giggled and squirmed. Clay sucked hard at the flesh, lowering his body so their bare torsos rubbed together in silky friction.
Blake grabbed onto the back of Clay’s neck, kneading it with his fingers. “Harder,” Blake said.
Clay fulfilled the request, sucking deeper, nipping now and again. He could eat him like that all day. Blake always tasted so sweet. But even Blake’s delicious skin couldn’t dispel the disquiet in his mind, the feeling that something wasn’t right. He broke contact with Blake’s neck and moved to devour his mouth instead, hungry and deep.
I need to fix the grow lights.
Was that it? He’d figure it out, he would. Not only that, but the super grow light he was building too.
“Clay?”
What if he couldn’t? What if the new farming programme failed? Then they’d have nothing. He really, really needed to fix that light. The council’s plan wasn’t enough, he had to do more, get a backup running.
“Clay . . .”
No, that wasn’t it. Something else was bugging him.
“Clay? Are you with me?”
He realised he wasn’t kissing Blake anymore but was leaning up on his hands staring at Blake’s pillow.
Clay blinked and shook his head. “Shit, sorry.”
“We don’t have to do this.”
Clay sat up, straddling Blake. He ran his hand through Blake’s dark chest hair, making circles with his fingers. “We don’t?”
No way was he having his sexy time ruined by some stupid thoughts. Blake needed this release, this escape.
Blake chuckled. “I’d rather we did. I was just saying, if your mind is elsewhere.”
Clay reached into Blake’s shorts. “For me?”
Blake’s body shuddered. “Always.”
“So does he want to come out and play?”
“Always.”
Clay smirked. “Thought so.”
He tugged Blake’s shorts off and flung them across the room. He did the same with his own.
“Now,” Clay said, “we’re perfect.”
“You’re perfect.”
“You’re getting mushy?”
“You are, though.”
“Aw, so sweet.”
“You’re sweet.”
Clay cocked a brow. “Really?”
“You need to learn to take a compliment.”
“Thank you.”
“That’s better.”
“Enough talk. Get back to submitting.”
Clay got to work with his hands, roaming over Blake’s body, kneading his flesh, enjoying his lover’s gasps of pleasure. He loved the sound. It was a major turn on, and the fact that he was responsible for it made it more so.
He made his way down Blake’s thigh down to his feet and gave his lover a foot rub.
“Oh, Mother . . .”
Blake did love his foot rubs. Clay took his time, really giving them a good going over, applying the required pressure to dissipate the tension.
Need to fix the light.
Screw this! Rather than risk another slip into his thoughts, he lifted Blake’s legs, throwing one over each shoulder.
“Clay . . .”
“You ready?”
Blake nodded.
Clay pushed down the thoughts once more and made love to his boyfriend.
***
Blake was asleep on his chest, snoring lightly. Clay lay on his back, hands behind his head. The sex had been amazing as usual but sleep was still playing hard to get.
Staring into the dark wasn’t solving anything. The wriggle of anxiety in his mind had grown from niggling to get-up-and-do-something-about-it level.
Clay gently slid out of bed, making sure his boyfriend wasn’t disturbed. Blake was well and truly out. He didn’t even stir. His body obviously needed the sleep. Clay was a little jealous his wouldn’t do the same.
He threw on his uniform of grey trousers, black T-shirt and black boots. Without the need of a light, he gathered up his tool belt and slipped out of the room.
