I felt nervous as fuck as I pushed the play button and the video instantly popped on. The second it started to play, I felt overcome by anger just watching my mother and Lee beat the kids with thick belts all over their naked bodies. I felt even angrier when their mother came into the room and joined in on the fun. I had to fast forward through the scenes of torture, but I still became even more vexed when I got to the first act of sexual abuse.
After I watched Lee begin to rape MeMe, I had to cut off the first tape because my rage was too much to bear. I could think of nothing but the men who raped and beat me with no regard for years, while I watched her cry and try to defend herself. I knew the pain MeMe and her siblings had gone through, and I couldn’t help but want to get retribution for them too. I had to push the thought of murdering someone else out of my mind as I took out the first tape and put in the next one. It took a few seconds for that tape to come on, so I was able to sit down and cut up the volume on the sixty-inch big screen t.v. before it did.
The first face and voice that I saw was my mother’s, as she argued with Lee and MeMe’s mother about stopping their operation for a minute. Just the sound of my mother’s voice put a twinge of sorrow in my heart and made me feel a little remorse. I didn’t have that conscious long though because soon, the evil pair had convinced my mother to continue and they prepared the kids for their first party. The tape went on to show a huge party in the basement with the kids still strapped to the bed.
Twenty to thirty people dressed in animal suits danced around them and got high as they taunted them. I couldn’t even watch all of the vile things they did to those kids, which lasted thirty-five minutes. I fast forwarded it all the way to the end and caught an unexpected conversation with my mother and Lee. On the video, my mother appeared to be sober and in her right mind as she told Lee she would call the cops if they didn’t stop.
My mother pleaded with him as she continuously glanced at the camera, like she knew it was on and she was trying to capture that moment. For a second, I got a glimpse of the kind, fun, almost normal mother we once had for brief moments in our younger lives and felt sorry for what I had done. That was the mother I loved. That was the Denise I was sorry I had helped to murder, but still, I knew it was necessary.
I knew that she could never truly be that Denise again and I knew that too much time and pain had happened for her to ever be our mother again. That’s the only thing that let me swallow down that sorrow and take the tape out. I grabbed both tapes up and quickly stashed them in the bottom drawer on the dresser. I couldn’t help but to stop and admire all of the neatly folded clothes Jerrod had purchased for me and put away for my homecoming. Just thinking about his love for me and our daughter warmed my heart and helped me to let go of any emotion inside that wasn’t happy.
When Jerrod got back with the Chili’s To Go take-out he had ordered, I felt much better as I greeted him at the door with a smile. On the inside, I still had a war raging between my conscious and that part of me that just didn’t give a fuck, but I was able to suppress it enough to allow myself to feel some happiness. It was easy to tell that Jerrod was happy with the change in my because he couldn’t stop smiling as he carried the food into the living room, and I followed behind.
Jerrod and I ate while we talked about our dreams and goals, and I hoped we would get everything we dreamed about. Once we were done eating, Jerrod carried me up the stairs like he was carrying me over the threshold.
“Getting practice for our wedding night,” he said before he laughed and laid me down on the bed.
After that, I laid in his arms all night as we watched movies and talked. Before bed, we called Tania to check on A’Miracle and see if there was anything on the news. Tania assured us that A’Miracle was fine before asking me where I was at and how I had gotten with Jerrod. I quickly made up a story about my mama being high and telling me I could go, as I watched Jerrod nod his head that I had done good.
“Oh ok, Tisha. Well, I want to see you the next day Jerrod goes back to work. When he gets ready to go, you either have him drop you off or call me to come get you. Okay?” Tania asked me with a bit of sternness in her voice that made me smile.
I knew that Tania loved me like I was her own and that she could not be mean to save her life, so hearing her concerned really made me feel wanted when I had lost so much.
“Yes ma’am. See you tomorrow ma,” I said Tania as I heard her gasp before I hung up the phone.
I felt better than before as I put the phone on the nightstand and snuggled up in Jerrod’s arms. Despite the fact that the fire had already made the news, I still felt better knowing I was loved and would potentially be happy. I fell asleep to Jerrod stroking my hair as he whispered how our love would never end in my ear. I drifted into a sweet dream of my family and happy life before I was thrust back into nightmares. I woke up in a cold sweat, still wrapped in Jerrod’s arm as my heart raced in my chest.
For two days, I experienced a rollercoaster of emotions with joyful, fun days, steamy, loving nights, and horrible nightmares that kept me awake until the early morning. It was a Monday, early January, before Jerrod was ready to leave me to go back to work and I nervously dressed to finally face my foster mother and the reality that awaited me. Jerrod kissed me before we got into the car and reassured me that everything would be alright. I kind of felt like it could be alright, despite the lump in my stomach as we drove to Tania’s house.
I hesitated for a minute when we pulled into the driveway of the big blue house and I could see Tania standing in the picture window as she held A’Miracle. They looked so happy and peaceful, I dreaded to bring my pain and trouble inside to ruin all they had. I couldn’t help but to think that maybe A’Miracle was better off without me as I looked at Jerrod and tears formed in my mind. Jerrod looked at me with passion and love as he nodded his head and gave me that wise, knowing stare.
“No, she wouldn’t baby; she needs us both. Now, go in there and be happy because we are going to be okay,” Jerrod said, reading my mind and easing my fears at the same time.
His words and the kiss that followed gave me the strength to do what I had to do. By the time Jerrod got out and came around to open my door, I felt like I could face anything. I walked up to the door with Jerrod’s hand in mine. The door to the house swung open as soon as we touched the top step on the porch and suddenly, all of the breath left my body. Somehow, I knew that day would be a day of reckoning and I would have to face things I never expected. With that knowledge and strength from the powerful man who held my hand, I stepped into the fire ready to face my sins and move forward.
Chapter 14
Tania kissed and hugged me tightly after we stepped inside the house and she handed A’Miracle off to Jerrod, who kissed and snuggled her in his arms. I held on to my one piece of sanity, other than Jerrod and A’Miracle, and wished that moment could last forever. I felt loved as Tania hugged me to her then held me out at arm’s length, so that she could look at my face. I had tried my best to cover all the cuts, bumps, and bruises on my face with makeup Jerrod bought me, but I could tell Tania wasn’t buying it. The look in her eyes as she stared at me told me that she knew everything, without me even having to say it.
“I’m so happy to have you home, baby. Mama is here and no matter what, I’ll always stay by your side,” Tania whispered in my ear as she hugged me again and a tear ran down my face.
I stayed in her warm, loving embrace for a few more seconds and released the pain and anxiety that had built up inside of me, as I listened to Jerrod tell our baby he loved her. As I stood here surrounded by love, I hoped our happy family would always be together.
“Well, beautiful ladies, I have to be off to go make this paper. I love you and daddy will be back beautiful,” Jerrod said as he kissed A’Miracle on the head again before he handed her to me.
“And you gorgeous. I will see you later. Everything will be ok. Remember that I love you,” Jerrod said before he kissed me deeply.
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sp; When he stepped away, I looked at Tania as she stared at me with that mother-knows-all look. It was like she could see right through me as I tried to deflect her glance. I followed Jerrod to the door and kissed him once more, after he told my foster mother goodbye.
“Remember what I said, baby. Put it all out of your mind cause WE GONE BE AITE!” Jerrod said as he laughed and got me to laugh too.
I snuggled A’Miracle in my arms as I watched Jerrod walk down the walkway and get in the car before he backed out of the driveway. I couldn’t help but to feel scared, like that would be the last time I saw him, as his car disappeared down the street. After losing him so abruptly and unexpectedly the first time, I couldn’t help but to feel anxiety every time that he left.
I shook that feeling off though as A’Miracle cooed and laughed in my arms and broke the sullen haze I was about to fall in. The second I closed the door, Tania was at my side as she stared at me with concern. She read my thoughts as she took A’Miracle out of my arms and placed her in the bassinet set up in the living room before she fired her questions at me.
“What happened Tisha? How did you end up with Jerrod and not with Denise? What happened to your face?” Tania asked me as she rushed over to the half bath under the stairs to get the first aid kit.
By the time Tania came back, I had sat down on the couch and looked at all of the pictures of the happy family that lived in the big blue house. There were even pictures of me, my brother, and sister, happy and content with a family that loved us more than our mother, even though we had no blood ties. I couldn’t help but to feel that sorrow that lingered in my heart as Tania sat down beside me and followed my gaze to a picture of me and her at the mall.
“That was a happy day huh, Tisha? That was the first day you really opened up to be about the things that had happened to you. Remember how good you felt when you released that? Don’t you want to feel that way again baby? Tell me Tisha? What happened to you?” Tania asked me with tears in her eyes as she opened a piece of gauze and the bottle of peroxide to clean my wounds.
I racked my brain as I tried to figure out what I should tell her or if I should say anything at all. I knew that I could trust Tania, but I wasn’t sure if I could even tell the story. Before I knew it, my body had made the decision for me as I blurted out half of the truth to Tania.
“You know who did it. Denise did it. Her and her boyfriend, Lee. This visit with mommy dearest, the demon edition, was no different from living with her in hell my entire life. I had to call Terricka and Jerrod to get me out of there. That’s how I ended up with Jerrod. She didn’t let me go, I just left,” I lied to my foster mother as I avoided her gaze.
I could hear Tania sigh as I looked at the t.v., even though nothing was on it. I didn’t care though; I would be willing to look at anything, at that moment, then my foster mother’s eyes. She knew it too, that’s why she moved her head to meet my gaze.
“Tisha, you know that you can trust me, right?” Tania asked with a serious look in her eyes.
“Yes, of course, ma. You’re the only other person in the world that I do trust other than Terricka, Sha, and Jerrod,” I said to Tania.
“Okay good. So, do you know anything about the fire at your grandma’s house a couple of nights ago? It was the night you called to check on A’Miracle and I found out you were with Jerrod. The house caught fire and your mama and Lee died inside. I’m so sorry Tisha,” Tania said as I sat there stoic as I continued to gaze at the t.v.
I felt nothing as Tania repeated what she had said because she thought I hadn’t heard her. Hearing it out loud made it real for me, real in the sense that I had finally slain the dragon and won the ongoing war. I still felt a little remorse burning in my heart, however, the reality of a Denise free world was such a relief that I couldn’t let my conscious win.
“Tisha, aren’t you gonna say anything? You can cry if you want to Tisha, it’s okay,” Tania said as she reached over and hugged me.
“I don’t know what to say other than we killed her and she deserved to die,” I said coldly, almost so cold that it scared me as Tania released me to look at my face.
I quickly gathered my thoughts and told Tania the tale that would never again come out of my lips. When I was done, I felt emotionally drained as I sat there on the couch stiff and still, as Tania wrapped her arms around me. A single tear fell from my eye as I remembered the sorrow I had for my mother, which quickly disappeared before I could think twice. Tania released me after she cried for a minute and told me that it would be alright. She promised not to tell anyone and to stay by my side, as she wiped away my tear.
“I know you did what you felt you had to do. It’s alright now, baby. The police got a description of the car that was seen leaving the scene and it was similar to Jerrod’s, they just said a different color. I don’t want you to worry about that though because me and Michael will handle that, should the time arise. I just want you to go and lay down and rest. I’ll take care of A’Miracle. You sleep for a while and I will call you for lunch,” Tania said as she put a bandage on my biggest wound and hugged me before I got up off of the couch.
I walked over to the bassinet and kissed my giggling baby before I turned to look at Tania again.
“I love you and thank you for loving me, even though you don’t have to,” I said to Tania with tears threatening to fall from my eyes.
“Baby, I loved you and knew I was meant to be yo mama from the second I laid eyes on you. Now, go rest your beautiful head,” Tania said before she put both of her hands to her mouth and blew me a kiss. I walked out of the room and felt a little stronger as I headed to my room.
“Oh yeah, Tisha. There’s a letter on your bed from someone named MeMe. It’s been her a week or so,” Tania said as my heart raced like a mad horse.
I walked to my room slowly and robotically, like I was trudging through quicksand. When I got inside the big room with purple flowered walls and double beds, I couldn’t take my eyes off the letter that laid on the bed by the door. My hands shook as I sat down and took the dingy, raggedy envelope into my hands. I examined the envelope for a few seconds before I opened it and took the first letter, which was from MeMe, out.
Dear Tisha,
Hello, I know you don’t know me but I feel like I know you. My name is Meosha but everyone calls me MeMe. For the past six months, my siblings and I have been held captive and abused by your mother, our mother, and your mother’s boyfriend. Sexual abuse, physical abuse, mental abuse, and starvation have been our daily lives for a really long time. Recently, your mother has begun to change though and come to our rescue, which has led to me writing you this letter. She came down today and let us eat and get up to stretch our legs, then she told me about you. I know everything that she did to you, Terricka, and Sha and for that I have to say I’m sorry.
I’m sorry to know someone else has to feel the emptiness I now feel. This has been the hardest time of my life, but in these last few days, your mother has really made it better. She really is changing Tisha but I know you may not want to believe it. I know too much pain has occurred to considered forgiving her. But you have to do it for yourself. I felt like I needed to write you this letter after your mother let me read the one she had already written to you.
Your mother is really sick Tisha and the system failed her as a child, just like it did us. It’s a vicious cycle that must end, which is part of the reason I’m writing you this letter. You have to let the hurt go and forgive her Tisha, but not for her. For yourself. I hope to meet you someday because from what I hear, you’re really a great chick. Anyway, just wanted you to know this, so if you get this letter before you come here like your mama said you would, remember what I said. Forgive for you because a flower can’t bloom in mud. Also, give this shit to the police to get us the fuck out of here.
Sincerely,
MeMe
Reading that letter from MeMe left me in a weird place. For some reason, it was like I didn’t know how to feel. A small part
of me wanted to believe what MeMe had said about Denise changing, especially after I had heard her for myself on those tapes. However, the bigger, more spiteful and vengeful part of me didn’t care what Denise felt in those last days after she had already done so much damage. I tried to clear my mind of the sorrowful thoughts that the pussy part of me brought forth, but when I pulled the single sheet of paper my mother wrote her letter on out of the envelope and unfolded it, I couldn’t help but feel regret. My hands shook as I held the letter in front of my face and glanced at the messy, yet legible writing on it.
For some reason, I put the letter to my face to feel the words that my mother had written. When I pulled the letter back down and held it out to read it, I was surprised to see tears as they fell on the pages and smeared the ink. I couldn’t understand why I was crying when I wanted her dead so badly. The anger inside of me was still there, but somehow, the remorse and regret was at the surface too. I wiped away my tears and sucked in my breath as I began to read the last words my mother would ever write.
Tisha,
I’m not going to write some long ass letter where I say I’m sorry over and over again. At this point, I know that doesn’t mean shit but I must say it once anyway. Baby, I apologize for being sick and not wanting to get the right treatment. I’m sorry for being an awful mother, selfish and downright trifling. I’m sorry for making you hate me and yourself because I never loved me and never felt loved by anyone else. I’m sorry for it all Shartisha, my second blessing.
Baby, I’m sorry for ever being born. Maybe if I wasn’t born, you would have had a better mother and never had to suffer for her sins. Maybe, but I guess we will never know. We will never know because we can’t choose our families, although all of my life I wished I could. Tisha, I have to tell you this to make you understand why I was so horrible. I experienced pain even worse than you, being a child who was molested by her own uncle since the age of three and in turn, had his baby. I was 17 when I had Terricka with a new boyfriend who promised to take care of me after my mother kicked me out.
SINS OF THY MOTHER 3 Page 15
