by Alys Landale
The stranger’s voice was feminine as well. It conveyed strength and honor as it spoke. *I’m a friend. One who’s going to make sure your attacker never has the chance to do what he wishes.*
*
At the end of the day, Tom was exhausted. He couldn’t remember ever being this tired before, all he could think of was sleep. This was how he entered his cabin at the end of his shift. The captain had pointed out his new home earlier in the day.
Though she said it wasn’t his old room, it did have more room than his previous cabin which had been too small for both him and Xara.
He walked in the door. For the first time since he had arrived, there wasn’t a crewman at his heels. He knew that they meant well, but he wasn’t interested in listening to them tell him how ‘not to worry, he’d get his memory back.’ The truth of the matter was that he had learned to accept the fact that he would never remember his past. And now he didn’t even care to remember it. He had a life back in the Empire. He had a cause back there. All he had here was a ship full of strangers.
The only thing that he had to keep him focused was Xara. She came running around the corner when he walked in the room.
“Hey Squeaker,” he said. “Did you and Naomi have fun today?”
She nodded. “She’s really nice. We did this holodeck program and it was so much fun. It was about this Flodder guy and his friends and...”
He listened as she prattled on about her day. He tried to concentrate his best on what she was saying but his mind seemed to weigh a thousand pounds.
Once she was done, he said, “I suppose you’re not used to having someone your same age on the ship.”
“I miss everyone back on the Jihaid so much, but the people here are nice too.” She said. Her eyes took a downcast look to them. “Do you think we’ll ever see them again?”
He smiled down at her. “I’m working on that right now.”
She hugged him tighter. A deep yawn escaped her lips a second later.
*Maybe we both had a long day.* he thought.
“Well, it looks like it’s your bed time, Squeaker.” he said.
“But I’m not...” she yawned again. “Tired.”
He laughed a little. “Of course you’re not.”
She smiled mischievously. “Well, maybe just a little.”
He carried her to bed and laid her down under the covers. He sat down on the corner of the bed while she got comfortable.
Her eyes began to droop as she let out another yawn. She then began to think on a different track. “Rune,” she said. “Do you think Aria’s happy where she is? She used to say that the Spirit would save a place for honorable warriors by its side. Do you think she’s there now?”
He smiled sadly. As he tucked the girl in, he said. “I’m sure she has a chair right beside the Spirit’s throne.” Xara’s eyes closed as she began to drift to sleep. Paris continued in a softer tone. “She’s probably watching over us right now.”
B’Elanna paced around her room. She was so frustrated. After finally making part of a breakthrough with Tom, Janeway and the others had walked in on them. She hadn’t been able to have a second alone with Tom after that either. There was always someone around when she wanted to speak to him.
*But he said he’s seen me before,* she told herself. *Those dreams we had must have meant something.*
She sighed and dropped down on her bed. Her mind was running so fast that it was wearing out her body.
*Tomorrow morning* she thought. *Tomorrow morning I’ll get this figured out.*
Tom was up early the next morning. He usually slept very little, but last nights slumber had restored his energy. Now he was ready to have an output for that energy. Usually on the Jihaid, there was always some crisis that needed his assistance, but now without the role of captain, he wasn’t plagued by that. He sat down and began to skim over a few Padds he had brought with him.
Today he’d be on the bridge for one shift. Janeway had been reluctant to let him start back at a full work schedule, but he had insisted. He had to have something to keep his mind occupied.
A few footsteps came from Xara’s room and a moment later, a little pink haired girl stumbled into the room. She yawned loudly and began to rub the sleep out of her eyes. Tom took his eyes from the Padd and watched as she made her way over to him.
She crawled onto his lap and laid her head on his shoulder.
“Sleep well?” he asked.
She nodded and snuggled closer to him. After a few more seconds she had fallen back to sleep again.
He shook his head and laughed. She responded by a nod and then fell into an even deeper sleep. As he turned his attention back to the Padds on his table, the door chimed.
“Come in,” he said.
B’Elanna Torres then walked in. She looked around at her new surroundings and then saw Tom and Xara. For all the planning she had done the night before, she suddenly felt out of place.
Tom looked up from where he sat on the couch. “Lieutenant Torres.” he said in greeting.
She was caught off guard again by his formality. “Tom,” she replied. After a few seconds, she started what she had been planning to say. “I...We really need to talk. I was hoping we could before our shifts started.”
Xara squirmed in his lap. She then opened her eyes partially. “Rune,” she asked in a tired voice.
He looked at the little girl. “Tell you what, why don’t you go back to bed for a little while. I need to talk to B’Elanna for a while.”
She nodded. She tried to get up, but she fell back into his lap. He shook his head in amusement and took her back to her bed. He closed the door behind him and approached B’Elanna.
“You were wanting to talk,” he said.
She nodded. She thought for a moment that the tension in the air was going to strangle her. After a few moments, she reclaimed her voice.
“You were telling me that you’ve seen me before. I’ve had similar dreams. What I want to know is what your dreams were.”
She said as fast as possible.
He figured she’d bring up this topic sooner or later. He sighed but described some of them for her. She just listened in amazement. They were exactly the same things that she had seen before.
“And you can honestly say you didn’t feel anything from them?” she asked. Her face remained as straight as possible but her eyes conveyed the emotions that were raging within her.
All these emotions buffeted against Tom. He tried to reinforce his shields more as he responded. “At the time, I didn’t even know if you were real or not.” He then stared directly into her eyes. “I’ve seen a lot B’Elanna. I can guarantee you I’m not the same man as you knew before.”
“You are Tom Paris,” she broke in. “Despite whatever name you’ve gone by, you’re still Tom.”
He stared at the floor for a few more moments. He couldn’t deny that he did feel something for this woman, though he had no idea what that was. But he had had Aria. She had been by his side for as long as he could remember.
He then spoke again. His voice had a detached tone to it. “For the past year I never knew who I really was. I got a new life though. I learned to accept the fact that I’d never remember any of it. And now here I am with all of it thrown back in my face. But I am still Rune Landis. Despite whoever I used to be, I can’t just go back and erase what I’ve been through.”
B’Elanna stared into her mate’s eyes. They had a pained look to them. Her throat constricted as she tried to regain her voice. “Tom, what did they do to you?” Despite her Klingon side, her voice was unusually soft. Pure emotion floated through her words.
His eyes rested on the ground as he spoke. “Just about everything imaginable.” he said. “I’ve seen so many things in just the past year. I’ve seen just what the Empire is capable of, first hand. But I’m not going to let that effect me. When I woke up in
Takma’s research center Tom Paris died.” He looked into her eyes. “I’m not the man you knew.”
Tears glazed over her eyes. Her voice was now only just above a whisper. “That’s just the problem; you are.”
Janeway walked onto the bridge earlier than usual that day. Chakotay, however, was already waiting for her. He got up from his seat.
“Captain,” he said. “I see you’re here early.”
“I see you are too,” she replied and sat down next to him.
He noticed that she seemed a lot more distracted than usual. “Captain, are you alright.”
She was pulled from her reverie by his voice. “I’m fine Chakotay,” she said. “I was just thinking.”
“About Tom.” he finished.
She nodded. “I was just thinking about what he said yesterday. I went over some of the files he downloaded last night.
Some of the things that he’s been through, Chakotay, it’s just unbelievable. He didn’t allow me access to parts of it, but what I did see was enough to show me what he’s been through over the past year. Chakotay, I thought this crew had seen some bad things, but they’re no comparison to what was in those files.”
He could interpret what she was about to say next. “You blame yourself, don’t you.”
She looked him straight in the eye. “Chakotay, if I would have just had us go back sooner, none of this would have happened. If I would have gone in his place...”
Chakotay took her hand. “Kathryn, you told me what happened back there. Tom made his decision. You had no choice.
Besides there was no way to know that he was still alive. We should just be thankful that he’s back now.”
She nodded a bit reluctantly. The commander had this nagging little thing about always being right. But that still couldn’t take away the guilt that she was feeling.
A minute before the Alpha Shift officially started, Paris appeared on the bridge. Janeway got up to greet him.
“Tom,” she said. “Are you sure you want to start back to work already?”
He raised a dismissive hand. “I’m sure. I’m not used to having much spare time. Besides, if I’m going to assume my ‘past duties’ I need to know how to fly the ship.”
He walked over to the Helm. Baytart relinquished his position to Paris. Tom looked over the controls. From his previous links with the ship, he knew what to do. He just had to get a feel of the ship. He was used to flying the Jihaid occasionally, so a vessel that lacked its maneuverability would be somewhat different to control.
Chakotay walked up behind him. It seemed strange to see Paris back on the bridge, let alone in his new attire. They hadn’t pushed him into wearing his old uniform so he remained in his brown coat and usual clothes.
Chakotay was surprised to see Tom already entering commands. He didn’t think the man would remember how to fly the ship. Janeway noticed this as well.
“You remember how to fly the ship?” she asked.
Tom turned around to face her. “I wouldn’t call it remembering. You’ve already seen me interface with your computers a few times. Helm controls were one of the things I had a chance to review as well.”
Harry listened with attentive ears. He, as much as everyone else on the ship, was glad that Tom was back. But the man had changed so much. Harry realized that Paris had gone through no telling how much but it still didn’t change the fact that although
Tom was back, the friend Harry had once had was still dead.
*I’m not giving up though,* he told himself. *All he needs is a little push. He has to be able to remember something from his past. I just have to find what that something is.*
Three days passed and neither Harry nor B’Elanna had succeeded in helping Paris to remember any of his time on Voyager. Tom knew that they meant well, but he was getting tired of constantly having one or the other under him every time he stepped out of his quarters.
The only resemblance of the jovial Tom Paris that they once knew was when he was in the presence of Xara. The little girl had a way of always lightening his mood no matter what.
Harry found out how much he really missed the bad jokes Tom used to say. Now Paris behaved almost as stoically as a Vulcan when in the presence of everyone except Xara.
Harry had tried everything he could think of. He had spent one day tagging alongside of Paris while recalling all the events the two of them had been through over the past years. Tom made remarks every now and then to what he was saying, but Harry could tell that he was only listening halfway.
He even thought about showing Paris the Starfleet profile of him, so that Tom might at least see a glimpse of his past. But that had been a dead end. When the Jihaid had attacked Voyager, certain files had been destroyed. Paris’s file had been one of them.
Now Harry sat in his quarters debating over what to do next.
The door to his cabin chimed. “Come,” he said.
Seven appeared in the doorway. “I have brought you these reports,” she said. “Ensign Paris has begun searching through various files from the alien station that we were unable to decode. He has successfully translated these and requested that I give them to you,” she said.
Harry took the Padds. “Thanks,” he said. “Umm Seven I was wondering if I could talk to you for a moment.”
“I am not need in Astrometrics at the present time. You may proceed.” she said and sat down in one of the chairs near him.
That was the first thing she had learned since the two of them had started spending time together. There was a need for comfort, both physically and mentally.
“I wanted to talk to you about Tom. Don’t get me wrong, I’m really glad he’s back, but...”
“You wish for him to behave in the same manner he did before he was presumed dead.” she finished for him.
He wondered when she had begun to know him so well. “That’s exactly it. I just wish I could help him remember his past. I’ve tried almost everything I know of, but nothing works. It’s almost like he doesn’t even want to remember.”
Seven sat there for a moment to contemplate what she had just heard. “When I was first removed from the Collective it was difficult for me to adapt to life aboard Voyager. I wished to return to my previous life even though I no longer see it as the one to which I belong. It would be logical to assume that Ensign Paris needs time to adapt to his change in life. He has lost his ship, his mate, and the life to which he had become accustomed. I would predict that in time he will show a greater interest in his past.”
Harry listened to what Seven was saying. She had a way of making a point. He hadn’t brought into account that Tom might not want to remember. Memories of what Seven had gone through floated through his mind. It had taken her a while to get used to her life here, but now she considered Voyager her collective.
“What do you think we should do then?” he asked her.
“I believe,” she said. “That the best course of action would be to give him time to adapt to his new surroundings. It might also be helpful if we were to reveal segments of his past to him at a slower rate than merely overloading him with information regarding past events.”
He smiled slightly. She really had a way of saying things. “I think you’re right. Maybe tonight I could load the Sandrine’s
program on the Holodeck. It might help him adjust to his new life a little more easily.”
“I believe that would be beneficial if you did so,” she said.
Another idea then came to his mind. “Seven, you know what he’s going through better than anyone. Do you think you could show up tonight as well? I could really use your help.”
She looked at him for a moment and then replied. “I have no other previous engagements. I shall attend.”
He smiled. “Tonight then. At about 1900. I should be able to get B’Elanna to come along as well.”
She nodded. Harry then went into a long list of preparations for the night while she listened attentively.
It hadn’t been hard to convince B’Elanna to go along with the plan. B’Elanna and Seven went to the holodeck to wait on
Harry and Tom. Seven had said that Tom might accept to come more readily if Harry was the only one to invite him. Otherwise he might feel that something was going on if three came to his door.
So now, Harry stood at Paris’s cabin door. He chimed the door and waited a few moments until Tom allowed him to enter.
Tom looked up from the desk he was working at.
Harry walked over to his old friend. “Hey Tom.” he said.
“Hello Harry.” Tom replied. “Is there something you wanted?”
Harry jumped into the monologue he had prepared. “Tom, I was hoping you could come down to the holodeck for a little while. We’re running a program right now that you might enjoy. Besides, you haven’t even stepped into the holodeck since you got here. You need a break.”
Paris just stared at the young ensign. He could tell what Harry was up to, but he decided to go along anyway. Xara was at
Naomi’s quarters for a couple of hours so he had some free time to spare.
“Sure,” he said. “The way you were talking, it sounds like you’ve been rehearsing those lines for a while. I wouldn’t want to make you think you wasted your time.”
Harry’s mouth dropped open. *How’d he know?*
Paris got up from his desk. “Don’t look so surprised Harry. I didn’t have to be a telepath to realize that. Now let’s go see this ‘holoprogram’ you were talking about.”
By the time Harry and Tom entered the holodeck, a few other crewmen besides just Seven and B’Elanna were in there as well. Harry led Tom over to where Seven and B’Elanna sat.
Kim then turned to Tom. “This place looks pretty real doesn’t it?” he said. There were a few holocharacters mingling with the Voyager crewmen and the place had the atmosphere of a genuine bar to it.
“Yes, except for these holocharacters.” Tom said.
“What’s wrong with them?” B’Elanna asked. She was sure that the program was almost completely flawless.
