by Sera, Drew
“You do too.”
“Yes, but I have to go slow with her. There’s a lot to work around. You know how it goes. Which is what I wanted to talk to you about.” I leaned forward in my chair and looked up at him. “I want you to help me work with her. You know that there will be times when she’ll hate me. She’ll have questions or feel scared and uncertain if what she’s doing is right or wrong. There will be times when I have to push and I won’t be able to do my part unless I know she has you to lean on.”
“I’m the teddy bear in other words.”
“Anth, she trusts you and connects with you. You’re so good with her. The training will be hard on her I think because she’ll realize through my actions that everything she had with Howard was garbage. She’s going to need to lean on someone. I can’t put that trust in anyone else’s hands.”
“I understand. When do we start?”
During the game I kept a close eye on Sydney. She sat on the chaise and Gina sat on the seat next to her. During commercials they would talk quietly but were quiet during the actual game. At half time, Matt carried some plates to the kitchen with me and helped me gather some fresh beverages and clean plates.
“I have to tell you, Col, she’s been great for Gina. Gina hasn’t found a good friend that she can sit and talk to or maybe just go shopping with. But I can see how easily they get along.”
“Good, I’m glad. I also think Gina has been good for Sydney. And I think she will continue to be crucial for her, you know, with the training and everything. She’ll have another sub she can talk to.”
Anthony hung around for a bit after the game. I wanted to talk to Sydney about training and about Anthony helping. When we told her that Anthony was going to be her sounding board, she looked excited.
He helped me change her bandages and clean up some of her wounds with the medicated cream. She was laying on a towel on the bed while I rubbed in some of the ointment. She never lets on that she’s in pain. But she does shake and that never escapes my notice. Her small hands grip the edge of the towel or the sheets and she shuts her eyes tightly. Tonight, Anthony sat to her side and held one of her hands until I finished. These sides of hers are something else. They’re raw and chapped. No matter how often we clean it and reapply the ointment, they’re bone dry when I go back a few hours later.
After Anthony left, I helped Sydney get situated in bed and asked her if she completed the two papers I gave her earlier. She handed them to me and I quickly glanced over them. I saw some things that made my stomach hurt but tried to keep a straight face for her sake.
“Thank you for finishing them as I asked.”
I quickly glanced over the document to see if I had any initial questions for her. These two documents would give me an excellent glimpse into her world and thoughts. My heart rate began to increase as I read over the documents, somewhat unsure and afraid of what I may encounter.
No allergies, she didn’t wear contacts, didn’t use recreational drugs or abuse alcohol. She did make a comment about the drugs being forced on her but that she didn’t know what they were called. Before she started working on the lists I had told her about my full disclosure policy and for her not to hold anything back. This road we were going down had to be honest or else it would collapse. There is a injury section on the paper for her to list any recent injuries, which ended up nearly turning my stomach when I saw it in her own handwriting. I got down to the fears section of the document and steadied myself before I read it. I kept in mind that Sydney was sitting right there.
FEARS: being locked in closets, darkness, blindfolds, belts, cuffs/shackles, needles, knives, sandpaper, cleaning solutions, having hands on the back of my head, radiators/space heaters, being hungry or deprived of food, being left in the cold, cigarettes, being hit on my ears, throwing up, having safe word ignored.
What the fuck? I read and re-read the fears section another couple of times for them to sink in. Some were very common and I’ve seen before on these worksheets. But there were a few that I saw which caused my stomach to drop. As much as I wanted to discuss this with her now, more for my benefit, it was in her best interest for me to accept it and then talk about it tomorrow.
“Sydney, I’m going to take these papers and read them over tonight and make some notes. You and I can discuss it tomorrow.”
I looked down at her and she nodded. She looked sad and I wondered if writing all of that out had stirred some stuff up. I was looking at some of her responses again when I heard her sniffle. I looked up and tears were falling from her eyes and she moved to sit up. She pulled herself into a little ball and hid her face from me. I kicked my shoes off and moved to the center of the bed, leaned against the headboard and started to gently rub circles on her back to sooth her.
“Baby, talk to me. I’m not a mind reader. What specifically upset you, baby?”
I had a feeling it was writing all of this shit out. Writing can be very difficult especially when it’s recent trauma. Still, she's going to have to start communicating with me and opening up. I know it’ll be hard but it’ll have to happen.
“What if there isn’t a Dom out there for me?”
“Why would you say that, Sydney? There are tons of Doms looking for a girl just like you. Many Doms would flip over someone like you. You’re very grounded, despite a lot of shit you’ve gone through. You know exactly what you want and what you have to give. There are a lot of Doms who want exactly what you want to give.”
“But I don’t like belts. What if he wants to use a belt and then discovers I hate them? Then he’ll get rid of me.”
What on earth was going on in this girl’s head and what sort of rejection had she endured?
“Doms adjust, baby. You and him will negotiate. I know you aren’t used to it with the group you’ve played with before, but believe it or not, a Dom will actually respect your fears. He won’t fuck up with the trust you’ve given to him by purposely doing something to harm or scare you. He’ll work with you to help you overcome your fears, not to purposely use them against you. I don’t know where you have played but I swear, no one I know plays like that.”
She nodded and let me comfort her by pulling her against me to cuddle with for a while. When her hand started to shake, I thought it might be best if I stayed with her tonight. I loved the way she felt in my arms. She was soft and smelled sweet. Places on her body still felt too boney to me but we were working on some weight gain with her.
“Sydney, would you like me to stay with you tonight?”
She didn’t answer right away but then gave me a frantic nod. This would be as good of a time as any to start her on vocalizing.
“Baby, tell me.”
“Yes, Sir. I’d like for you to stay with me tonight.”
“Okay, I’m going to go change and I’ll be right back.”
I kissed her forehead and went to turn on the bathroom light and closed the door half way. I sprinted upstairs to change quickly and then found her curled up on her side clutching a blanket. Fuck, why did I leave her alone? She’s not a trainee yet. Not without Anthony around. She’s still my frightened fragile kitten.
I snuggled up behind her and made sure my chest and stomach were against her back. I wrapped my arm over her waist and let my hand rest flat on her stomach. I stroked her stomach with my thumb to help calm her. She shook for a little bit longer but then slowed down and eventually fell to sleep.
My mind was too busy to sleep. I didn’t even feel tired after having looked at her lists. Over the years of playing at Irons or training subs, I’ve seen a lot of the same things on limit lists and fears list. Many times if a sub has a bad experience with one element, it’s not likely she’ll opt to go back and try it. There were some things on Sydney’s list that I was having a tough time with. Tomorrow she and I would talk about them.
Just from me living through some of her nightmares, I knew each of the things she put on the list were of importance and I needed to take each one very seriously. Her “Yes/
No/Maybe” list was easier to digest because she just had to mark a yes or a no next to each item. I wasn’t surprised to see that she had tried many things off the list. But I wondered how many of those things she tried willingly. That bothered me all night. In this lifestyle, if what you’re doing isn’t consensual, then it’s a crime.
Her limit list kept me up most of the night as I thought about what possibly could be behind the limit. I needed the time actually to calm down and work on a calm tone in which to ask her about them.
Hours later I woke up to some thrashing movements on the bed and saw her in the grips of a nightmare. She was mumbling about something being hot and hurting. I had a feeling that I knew exactly what that was. I woke her up and cradled her until she calmed. She was opening and closing her fist like she was trying to grab onto something. I realized she was grabbing subconsciously for Anthony.
I stayed awake for a while and thought more about the connection between her and Anthony. It was evident that she found great comfort in him. If she was developing a dependency on anyone, I was thrilled it was him. She was bringing out something good in Anthony as well.
Chapter 34
Monday, November 4th
Colin
“Good morning, baby.” I sipped from my coffee mug as Sydney came into the kitchen and sat at the breakfast bar next to me.
She looked really tired and had red eyes and puffy bags under her pretty blues. I tilted her chin so she’d look at me and I examined the dark circles under her eyes and felt her forehead. I knew she hadn’t slept much.
“Nightmares.”
I didn’t pose it as a question because I knew it was the reason she didn’t sleep much. I made Sydney and I some breakfast and knew we could talk after that. She made it through her toast and some bacon quietly.
“Sydney, I have some things I wanted to talk to you about with regards to your lists.”
She wrapped her arms around her stomach and nodded. She was clearly nervous and bracing for the worst. I tilted her chin up again so she’d look at me.
“It’s okay, Sydney. I just want to ask you a few things. There are no right or wrong answers, but it will help to give me some background so I can understand.”
I gave her a few minutes to calm down while I finished my breakfast and poured more coffee.
“Sydney, some of your fears are common but there are a few that I haven’t seen before. I wanted to go over and make sure that I understand the fear and set the proper limit.”
I paused and looked over at her. She had her hands balled up and was staring blankly at her plate. There was no easy way of doing this and it just needed to be done. I picked up her list and a pen so I could make notes.
“I was curious about the cleaning supplies. Are there specific ones or just cleaning supplies in general?”
I had to remember to go slow with her. She sat still and looked like she was trying to gather her thoughts.
“Um, ammonia and bleach mostly. He’d do stuff and then I’d be left with the mess. He enjoyed cutting me and then would squeeze the wound until blood dripped onto my floor. Or if I had passed out, he’d put ammonia under my nose to get me to come around. So, I’m a little sick of them.” I tried to keep my facial expressions to a minimum as I made a few notes on her paper. While I was making some notes, she spoke up.
“Um, you know, it’s okay. We can take that off the list. I’m sorry.” She reached for the paper but I slid it out from her reach and looked at her.
A number of things bothered me. The prick liked to non-consensually physically cut her until she bled and dripped on her floor. Then he’d fucking leave her to clean up the blood he spilled. Then the ammonia thing left my stomach in knots. How many fucking times had she passed out to where ammonia was used to bring her out of unconsciousness more than as a cleaning agent? Then for her to go back on her fear and say she’d basically deal with it if it came up.
“Why, Sydney? It means something to you or else you wouldn’t have put it on the paper. Why would you rescind that?”
Her fingers were twisting around each other and she was trying to put into words her reasons.
“Um, well, don’t a lot a Doms have their subs do housework and cleaning?”
“Some do.”
“Well, if I have that on my list, isn’t it like a black mark against me? If the Dom sees that, he won’t want me if I don’t like bleach and ammonia to clean.”
Her bottom lip started to quiver and then the tears fell from her eyes. “Baby,” I stood and wrapped my arms around her and held her head against my chest as she cried.
I knew Anthony should be here for this conversation. If he was helping with training, then he should be aware of these things. I think she’d do better with him around too. I pulled my phone out and sent him a text.
CE: Anth, are you busy?
AG: Just finished the staff meeting. What’s up?
CE: I was starting to go over the lists that she filled out yesterday. Some things are common. Other things aren’t so common. She started shutting down. I think she’d do better if you were around for this conversation.
His response didn’t come right away but when it did, he said he was walking to his car and would be over in about twenty minutes. Anthony would drop anything for her and he was developing a soft spot for her. He wasn’t seeing it yet though.
Sydney had calmed down some and made it through her fruit while I sat beside her and read the newspaper. Sydney jumped a little when the doorbell rang. I was curious to see how she’d do with Anthony here.
“Relax, it’s Anthony.”
I thanked Anthony for coming over so quickly as I let him in. I stood in my jeans while he stood in his expensive suit and pulled a bag of M&M’s out of his pocket. He took his suit jacket off and hung it up in the closet. He knew my house like the back of his hand and I think he was here more often than his own place. He rolled up his sleeves to his forearms as we walked towards the kitchen.
“She okay?”
“Yeah, but I think things would go more smoothly with you here. Plus I think you should be here for this conversation.”
He gave me his cocky smile, even though I knew he wasn’t being cocky at all. Anthony has never dropped anything for a woman. Yet I had sent him a text about twenty minutes ago and here he is.
We went into the kitchen and Sydney smiled at him. Anthony winked at her and leaned on the island counter beside her.
“What are you doing, sunshine?”
“Hi, Anthony! I’m finishing my breakfast.”
“Good girl,” he said to her and pushed her half full glass of juice closer towards her hand. “Drink your juice, sweetie.”
Anthony kissed her forehead and went to the fridge for some water and hopped up on the counter. Sydney laughed some and when I asked her what she was laughing at she smiled and said Anthony.
“You guys are funny. He walks around like he owns the place.” I glanced over at Anthony and found him with a genuine smile on his face as he looked at her.
“Yeah, he does seem to do that a lot, doesn’t he?”
Anthony shrugged. “What can I say? I like the atmosphere. It’s better than my place.”
“Since you’re here so often, Sydney may think you don’t have a place.”
“Company is better here. All I have at my place to keep me company are the echoes of my footsteps.”
There was a harsh reality to that statement. I have been to Anthony’s place less than a dozen times in all the years I’ve known him. He’s a private guy and while I can say that I know him and trust him like a brother, I know there are things in his closet that he doesn’t bring out. I don’t doubt for a minute that it doesn’t get lonely at his place. His place lacked the warmth that was sitting in my kitchen.
“Anth, you want to join Sydney and I? We were just getting ready to go over her lists.”
He nodded and followed us to the great room. They sat next to each other on the chaise and couch while I sat in one of th
e chairs next to the couch. Anthony put his arm up on the back of the couch and would be able to provide comfort if needed. I was pretty sure that would come up, but I think she’d do better now that he was here. I wanted him in the protective role.
“So, Sydney and I were just getting ready to talk about her lists she completed yesterday. There are some things on there that I haven’t seen before.”
To say the expression of confusion and shock wasn’t on Anthony’s face would be a lie. He eyed me over the bottle of water he was sipping and gave me a frown as if he didn’t understand how anything could shock me. For his sake I calmly explained that many of her listed fears were common but there were some that I had questions surrounding. It was as though he couldn’t fathom that Sydney had disturbing things on her list that I’d never encountered. Given how we found her about two weeks ago, I don’t know how a filled out fear section could be shocking to him.
“Like what?” Anthony frowned and looked back and forth between Sydney and I.
I wasn’t prepared to see him so bothered and concerned and we hadn’t even gotten into the thick of things. I should have prepared him and pulled him aside when he got her so he could read her papers.
“We only got as far as the first one; cleaning supplies.”
I explained that Sydney offered to take it off her list but I refused and asked her to explain it to Anthony.
“Um, I’d pass out and H-howard would use the ammonia to bring me back around. I’m just tired of smelling it. It makes my stomach hurt. And the bleach upsets me because I’d use it to clean the tile with after he’d cut me. He liked to cut me and squeeze the wound until blood fell to the tile. And I’d use the bleach to clean it up.” She looked down and began to twist her fingers around each other. “But, I think I’ll be okay. We can take it off the list.”
Anthony took hold of her hand so that she wouldn’t pull on her fingers anymore. I could tell hearing that was hard for him too. I found myself wondering again how many times she had passed out to where she’d grow tired of ammonia. It disgusted me and I wanted to hurl something across the room.
