by Ashley Bloom
Letters to Brendan
Ashley Bloom
Letters to Brendan
Text Copyright © 2012 Ashley Bloom
Cover Copyright © 2012 Ashley Bloom
All rights reserved
August 12, 2010
Dear Brendan
I don`t know how to start this. I don`t even know if you remember me.
Of course you do. I can feel it. You remember as well as I do, our time together, our summer. And that`s what is making it even harder for me to write you this letter.
But I have to confide in someone or I will go down. And who else could I ever unburden my heart to if not you?
You were always there for me. You were my second half, my soul mate. I can`t tell if you still are, because so many years have passed. It seems like a lifetime. But when I think of comfort, there is only one person on my mind. That is you.
That`s why I will confide in you, and you alone. There is nobody else who I could tell how I feel, who I could admit to what has become of me. Me, Miss Fremont, me, star of the cheerleading team, me, everlasting beauty…
Oh, Brendan, if you could just see me now, you`d be shocked, you wouldn`t believe what has become of the girl that once meant the world to you.
I feel so ashamed for the things I`ve done to you, when you always were so good to me. When you were the only one who loved me for who I was and not for my long legs or bright smile, not for my popularity or my beauty pageant sashes. No, you loved me because you really saw me. You looked inside the shell and discovered a girl in me that could be so much more than just pretty. That was so much smarter than it knew itself, that wanted to achieve so much more than anyone expected.
You were the only one who saw it. My dad didn`t see it in me, because I wasn´t like my brother, of whom he expected big, that he would join his lawyers office one day. I was just a girl.
My mom saw in me what everyone else saw, pretty little Rosaly, sweet and popular. And she had planned my future already. I would finish High School, find a nice man, marry, have children and be happy until happy ever after.
There wasn`t gonna be anything more than that for me. And that`s what I expected from life. Until I met you.
You were different, Brendan, you were well read, you knew so much more of the world than I did. You were my Columbus, my Magellan, my Galileo, together with you I discovered things that I would had never come across on my own. Like the books of Kerouac, the songs of Coldplay and the chili fries at “Ricky`s”, which I miss most of all. The feeling of something exploding in your mouth, because those things were so damn hot. The feeling of being alive.
My mom had predicted it. And I followed her wishes. She was right with most of the things she said, they came true. Just two times she was totally wrong, I didn`t find a “nice man” and I didn`t become happy.
Well, my dear Brendan, now you`re surely wondering why I write all this to you. Why I load all my sorrows down on you. But that`s not what I want to do. It`s just that I`m desperate. I`m not only doubting the love my husband and I share, and if there is really any true happiness in this world, I also have doubt in myself. I don`t know anymore whether this past that I always dream of has ever existed. That was no imagination, Brendan, was it?
It was really there, our love, our dreams and our plans. And there it really was, the girl that I once was. The girl, that truly wanted to change the world, that wanted so much more.
All that I want is asking you to answer that question with “yes”. Asking you to give me just a little bit of hope for the rest of this miserable existence. I don`t want to complain and pour my heart out to you. I chose to live this life by myself. I alone am responsible for this situation.
I hurt you so much and maybe it`s not right to write this letter to you after all these years and ask you for a favor. And most likely you will throw it away at a glance, but I still have that little hope that from time to time you still think of me. And that maybe you feel a little pity for me.
Just one friendly word from you… and I would have something to draw on in lonely hours. Just like the thought of us sometimes puts a little smile on my face…There is one thing left that I have to say before I finish here.
I`m sorry. I`m so terribly sorry.
Rosaly
November 8, 2010
Dear Brendan
Three months have passed since my last letter and I haven`t heard from you yet.
I figured you wouldn`t write me back, `cause I just hurt you too bad, then, when I said goodbye to you. I can fully understand that you want nothing to do with me anymore. But I just had another thought too. And that is why I`m writing you one more time.
I hope so much that I didn`t cause you any trouble. That you don`t have a jealous wife who found my letter and is really mad now. If it is so, or anything like that, I want to apologize for it. I surely didn`t intend that.
I have thought a lot about so many things since my last letter. And I still can`t decide whether it was a big mistake to write to you or the best thing I could have done. Because it has done something to me. I`m happier again, I am – even just a little bit – more the girl I used to be.
A couple of days after I send you that letter, I walked into a bookstore and bought ̋On the Road ̋ and ̋Lonesome Traveler ̋ by Jack Kerouac. I can`t even describe what reading these books releases in me. It`s like hearing you speaking. It`s like listening to your passionate words. You both are so unbelievably freedom-loving, and you live your life so consciously. It`s beautiful to have found a part of you in him.
Also, it feels really good to do something just for myself again. I have to hide the books, because Vince, that is my husband, doesn`t want me “wasting” my time reading. There`s enough to do in the household and raising the kids is my job too, of course. But after everyone has left the house in the morning I get out my books and I am in another world again.
Oh, how much I wish someone would come and make everything alright again.
Yeah, I know I can`t expect that somebody comes along and gets me out of here. It`s my decision. I could pack my bags today and walk out, leave everything behind. But it`s just not as simple as that. Vince says he will take the girls away from me, should I ever try to leave. He sees I`m unhappy. He doesn`t care at all.
He insists that he loves me and just wants the best for me and the children. But he thinks that he alone knows what is best for us. Whenever he beats me up `cause he wants to keep me away from “mischief”, and the girls see me with a black eye and a bursted lip the next morning at the kitchen table, he still thinks he has acted right. These things are no rare incidents, you should know. It happens every time that I say one word too much to the post man, or if I smile a second too long at the cashier in the supermarket. Or if I put the kids down to bed five minutes after bed time. It`s always my fault. He always finds a reason to be upset with me. I guess, as the years have passed, he began to really enjoy it. And he made his top priority finding mistakes in me.
I tried to talk about it with my mom. After all, she`s lived with a man who`s never satisfied for forty years. She said I should be brave, it is my job as a loving wife to stand by my man, in good times as in bad times. I tried to tell her that there were only bad times left. At that she advised me to just try a little harder. I`ve never mentioned a word again.
Sometimes I blame her for my dilemma, `cause it was her after all who introduced me to Vince twelve years ago.
It`s twelve years ago already. And I think I haven`t laughed since then, let alone felt like in heaven. The way I always felt when you were near. I wish I could turn back time and correct that big mistake that changed everything. I wish I could hold you in my arms again and everything would be alright. Sometimes I imagine what would have been, ha
d I married you instead of Vince. Where would I be now? What kind of a person would I be?
I must not have these thoughts, I only destroy myself with them. There is no turning back time. And that is good, because that way I wouldn`t have my two beautiful girls, who have to see far too much pain. How much I wish for an easier childhood for them. And for a happier mom.
But it is what it is. I have to live with what I have. I have to get up every morning and put on a smile, and force myself all day long to go on, not to give up. How many times did I want to leave already?
But no, I will be strong. I will continue remembering us and looking for the girl that is still somewhere deep inside me. And probably one day she will show up again. That`s my only light. And a word from you.
I will be patient…
Love,
Rosaly
December 25, 2010
Dear Brendan
Merry Christmas!
It was a hard day, and the only way to stand it all is writing you again. Not to load all my heartache down on you, no – I want to get the things that happened today out of my mind and out of my heart as soon as possible – but to gain different kinds of thoughts, nice ones. Just to let this Christmas be worth something after all. Because it is Christmas, the celebration of love.
Most likely you`re celebrating it with your loved ones, happily and high-spirited. Without a thought of me. There will be reasons for the fact that you still haven`t replied my letters. But I don`t want to think the reason could be that you`re happily married, with loads of children. That you`re much better off without me. I`d like to think that the reason you`re not writing is that my letters didn`t reach you. For any kind of reason, because you moved away, for example. Although I couldn`t imagine you living anywhere else than in that little cottage at the far end of your parents` land, that you already called your home when we were still one. There, where we both lost our innocence. There, where I found warmth and comfort.
I can still see you sitting in that old rocking chair of your grandpa`s, holding a book by Kerouac.
I gave myself a gift today. “The Town and the City” by Jack Kerouac. I`m pretty sure you`ve read it. I`m really excited to start it, and I`ll smile at it, `cause I`ll know I`m taking in the same words that you did before.
I read “On the Road” three times already and I soaked in every single word with longing. I imagined to be on the road, to be hitchhiking through all the USA, from town to town, wherever the wind takes me. I imagined to be free. To be me.
I hope you are fine. And even if I don`t hear from you, I`ll write to you again. Because it`s the only thing that keeps me alive.
You don`t even know how grateful I am to you. Your existence alone is such a relieve. It`s like talking to a friend. And this friend just listens and nods understandingly, without judging.
Thank you! Just for being there.
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
With love,
Rosaly
February 14, 2011
Dear Brendan
It`s Valentine`s Day.
Vince forgot about it. When Betty, my youngest, handed me a self-made heart-shaped Valentine`s card at the kitchen table this morning, he remembered. After work he came home with flowers. And a smell of booze. Those were my presents: Flowers and a punch in the face. Because I`m a “stupid bitch” that could have shown a little more joy over those nice flowers. Other women didn`t even get anything on Valentine`s Day, he said, but I didn`t even appreciate it.
But I was happy with Betty`s card and Laura`s necklace, that she made herself. I have two amazing daughters, you know. Laura is eight, Betty just turned six. And they`re both so pretty. Oh, if I didn`t have them, I wouldn`t be here anymore. I would have been up and away for so long. Not that I blame them, but of course they`re the reason. Only for them I am standing all this without complaining.
I know that it doesn`t make me a good mother, all what they have to see, Vince and his fury, me, crying in the corner. The bruises, the plasters, the bandages, the scars. The visits at the doctor`s. The lies that Vince is telling everyone, his parents, my parents, colleagues, teachers, doctors. People must think I`m unbelievably clumsy, as often as I hurt. I`m pretty sure most of them know what is going on. But either they don`t want any trouble with Vince or they find it easier closing their eyes, `cause it`s more convenient. No one wants to interfere in our “problems”, this is marriage, this is nobody else`s business.
I had a friend, Patricia, and I am saying “had”, because she isn`t my friend anymore. She was the only one who was able to see behind the curtain, the only one who confronted me with it. She was the only one who wanted to help me. Vince scared her away. I don`t know what he did, all I know is that she is gone. She hasn`t called in years.
Especially on days like these I remember you. And your tender kisses. Vince`s kisses are brutal and aggressive, just like him. Sometimes I catch myself thinking of you while he and I … I guess “making love” you wouldn`t call it.
You, Brendan, you were loving to me. And I wish so badly to lie in your arms again and be yours again. With heart, body and soul.
I would die for a single moment with you.
With everlasting love,
Rosaly
April 4, 2011
Dear Brendan
I can`t go on. I can`t stand it no more.
If Vince hits me, it`s one thing, but if he lets his anger and aggressions out on the children, it`s a whole different story.
Laura must have mentioned something in school yesterday about what is going on at her home. What Vince is doing to me. Her teacher went straight to the principal who called Vince to his office. I guess Vince somehow talked his way out of it, but when he came home he was really mad. He went for Laura furiously and carried her to her room. I could hear her crying and screaming. After he was finished with her I ran for her and found my little sweetheart crying on the floor. Her back was all red and this morning you could see the bruises only too well. I had to call school and notify them that Laura wasn`t coming because she wasn`t well. I sat with her all day and held her, a little wreck in my arms.
I really think that was my wakening call. I will not accept this anymore. I just can`t go on like this. What a childhood is this for my kids? They will suffer all their lives from this. I don`t know if it`s too late already, but I have to try to save them before it is.
Please give me some advice. No matter what you think about me or how disappointed you are in me for what I`ve done to you, please help me! Tell me what to do.
I can`t make it all alone.
In black despair,
Rosaly
May 4, 2011
Dear Brendan
You haven`t answered. It has been exactly one month that I wrote you last, and by now I have given up all hope.
I`m pretty sure that I would have heard from you, if you had received my letters. But all my prayers remain unanswered.
I think this will be my last letter to you. What`s the sense in it anyway?
I`m still with Vince. After the incident with Laura I was so determined to leave. I even told him so, strong and firm, without a shaking in my voice. Whereat he told me, I could leave if I wanted to. He definitely wouldn`t miss me “useless bitch”. But the girls would stay with him. Should I decide to go I could also say goodbye forever.
So I stayed. I know I don`t have a choice.
Since then he hasn`t said a word to me. He ignores me. Spends his nights who knows where. I don`t care, everything is better than getting his full attention.
I realized one thing, I will have to get used to the fact that this is all there is in life. I shouldn`t expect anything more. I should finally stop dreaming that everything`s gonna be alright. I had my chance. I threw it away.
Probably I was so lucky in the first eighteen years of my life that it`s all used up.
That`s the way it is. I am at the end. I`m half dead already. And every day I die a little bit more.
Goodbye,<
br />
Rosaly
August 12, 2011
My soul mate
Exactly one year ago I wrote you for the first time. And I waited …, for an answer, for a sign from you. But after a whole year of waiting even I have come to the conclusion that it`s senseless. You won`t answer me. It`s over.
But I also have to understand that I don`t want to be without you and the memories of our times together anymore. And so you are with me in my mind at day and at night. You, as you approached me that hot summer`s day, with that smile on your lips that could have melted icebergs.
I remember those hours that we spent together in your little cottage, while the world outside continued turning. With you, time was standing still. I could have stayed there forever listen to you, reading me stories of places we dreamed of together.
What happened that we have never seen those places? Oh, I`m sure you were there and discovered the whole world for you. I wonder whether you had me in mind while you did.
The only place I have ever been to was San Francisco. And that was only for you. I will never forget our trip to the big city on which you showed me all the beautiful things that are still buzzing my head, as if it was yesterday. You took me to the pier, and with hot dogs in our hands we watched the seals. They made so much noise that we couldn´t understand each other anymore. But we understood one another without words. You could look into my soul as I could look into yours, and we knew exactly what the other one needed. I needed you. You were everything I wanted.
Then you took me to Height Ashbury and bought me this pretty bead chain that I still have. I take out of its secret place from time to time and hang it around my neck when Vince is not around, and I feel young again. When you put it around my neck that day, with all the love in your eyes that you had for me, I knew that I wanted to grow old with you. Despite my eighteen years I knew that already.
Sometimes things turn out different than you thought. Who is to blame? Your parents? The circumstances? Your own insecurity? And sometimes it`s just your own stupidity that causes you to make the biggest mistakes of your life.
