Fish in the Dark

by Larry David

  NORMAN Boy, for a guy with a lot of money, you’re so cheap.

  ARTHUR Not a ton.

  NORMAN Oh, it’s a ton.

  ARTHUR That has nothing to do with it. It’s the principle. Why should the living sacrifice for the dead? You don’t spend on the dead. Nothing for the dead. They get nothing!

  The elevator doors open and GLORIA DREXEL, their mother, early to mid-70s, bad wig and all, makes her entrance. You don’t want to get on Gloria’s bad side, but unfortunately that’s not an option.

  GLORIA (happy to see her son) Oh, Arthur.

  They hug.

  ARTHUR He had a good life, Mom.

  GLORIA What was so good about it?

  NORMAN It wasn’t so good? I thought it was good.

  GLORIA It was okay. That floor in the lobby is so slippery, I almost broke my neck. They don’t need to put so much wax on it. Just mop it. It’s not the White House!

  ARTHUR Mom, did you ever talk to Dad about going on a ventilator?

  GLORIA I did. He said if he ever couldn’t eat or maintain his hygiene, he’d rather die.

  ARTHUR Well that settles that.

  GLORIA And Tony Severino called. Said he wants to come and say good-bye to Dad, but I told him no.

  She opens the door to Sidney’s room and then closes it immediately, jolted.

  NORMAN What happened?

  GLORIA Nothing.

  ARTHUR Mom? Mom, what happened?

  GLORIA Nothing! Nothing happened!

  NORMAN Mom! What?

  GLORIA Your father was feeling up some girl!

  NORMAN What?

  ARTHUR Michelle?

  GLORIA A blonde woman.

  ARTHUR Oh my God!

  He goes back into Sidney’s room.

  NORMAN Where was he touching her?

  GLORIA You have to know where?

  NORMAN I’m just curious.

  GLORIA Her breasts, okay? He was touching her breasts!

  NORMAN Wow.

  GLORIA Who is this girl?

  NORMAN I don’t know. Arthur’s date.

  GLORIA His date? Your brother is some idiot. He brings a strange girl to the hospital? And what about your father? How do you explain that?

  NORMAN Sometimes the hand wants what the hand wants.

  Arthur and Michelle return.

  ARTHUR Mom, this is . . .

  And before Arthur can get her name out, Gloria walks past them and back into Sidney’s room. To Michelle:

  Oh my God. Is it true?

  MICHELLE It’s true.

  NORMAN How did it happen?

  MICHELLE I came out of the bathroom and we started talking.

  ARTHUR Talking? He could barely get a word out when I was in there.

  MICHELLE Well he was really talking up a storm with me.

  ARTHUR Go on.

  MICHELLE So then he asked me to sit down and I started to bring the chair over, but he said no and patted the bed.

  NORMAN Hello.

  MICHELLE So I sat down on the bed and we were talking . . .

  ARTHUR About what?

  MICHELLE Baseball. He asked me how I thought the Orioles would do this year.

  ARTHUR Don’t you think it’s odd that he’s still interested in baseball?

  NORMAN (quickly dismissing) Yeah, yeah, it’s odd. It’s very odd. So then what happened?

  MICHELLE Okay . . . So then as he was talking, all of a sudden he reached over and put his hand on my boob.

  NORMAN Unbelievable.

  ARTHUR You think you know someone.

  NORMAN And what did you do?

  MICHELLE Well he has one or two days, if not a few hours, to live. What’s the big deal? So he put his hand on my boob. Who cares?

  NORMAN What a fantastic attitude! Sure, it’s just a hand. What’s a hand? People put their hands on my shoulder. I’m aware of the hand. “Hey, there’s a hand on my shoulder.” But it’s not so terrible. Eventually they take it off.

  MICHELLE Right.

  NORMAN Hey, let me ask you this. Do you think he knew what he was doing or is it possible the hand just kind of landed there?

  MICHELLE Oh he knew what he was doing.

  ARTHUR Why do you say that?

  MICHELLE Because he squeezed it.

  NORMAN What kind of squeeze?

  MICHELLE A normal breast squeeze.

  NORMAN Like two seconds?

  MICHELLE Mmm . . . Yeah, that sounds right.

  NORMAN How many squeezes were there?

  MICHELLE Quite a few.

  NORMAN What kind of pressure was applied?

  MICHELLE Medium to hard.

  ARTHUR So how long, all tolled, was his hand on there?

  MICHELLE Hard to say. I lost track of time.

  ARTHUR So eventually he took it off?

  MICHELLE Yes, but then he put it someplace else.

  ARTHUR And where was that?

  MICHELLE My leg.

  ARTHUR He put his hand on your leg?

  MICHELLE With no compunction.

  NORMAN And was the hand active in any way or was it just sort of resting there for the most part?

  MICHELLE Oh, there was activity.

  NORMAN He inched up?

  MICHELLE He inched up. But then, much to my surprise, he removed his hand and put it back on my boob.

  NORMAN Interesting, inasmuch as he was making progress there, he chose to retreat to there.

  MICHELLE Anyway, that’s when your mother came in.

  ARTHUR It’s remarkable. It never ends. A man’s dying and this is what he’s thinking about.

  MICHELLE I thought we were just exchanging pleasantries.

  ARTHUR (to Michelle) I think you should probably go home. I’ll give you a call. My mother’s going to be coming out of there any second and it’s going to be really awkward.

  MICHELLE Would you please tell her why I did it?

  ARTHUR Yeah, I’m sure she’ll be very understanding.

  MICHELLE Bye, bye, Norman.

  NORMAN Bye . . . A pleasure to meet you.

  MICHELLE Thank you . . . And I’m so sorry.

  She leaves.

  NORMAN Oh my God, that Michelle character . . . (in reverence) Get outta town . . .

  ARTHUR Tell me about it.

  NORMAN You tell me about it!

  ARTHUR Well, the sex is out of control, but other than that, I have nothing to say to her.

  NORMAN So what do you do when you’re not having sex?

  ARTHUR We don’t do anything but go out to dinner, and I eat fast. Really fast . . . You know what else? She likes women too.

  NORMAN No.

  ARTHUR Yes.

  NORMAN Please tell me you’re joking.

  ARTHUR I’m not.

  NORMAN And have you . . .

  ARTHUR Not yet, but it’s on the table.

  NORMAN That’s so unfair. Have you ever been with two women?

  ARTHUR Oh yeah. I assume you haven’t?

  NORMAN Well . . . I once sat between two women in coach.

  The elevator doors open and FABIANA, the Puerto Rican housekeeper, early 40s, steps off. She’s taking this very hard.

  FABIANA (to Norman) Hello, Mr. Drexel.

  ARTHUR Hey, Fabiana.

  NORMAN Hey, Fabiana. So nice of you to come.

  FABIANA Of course . . . Can I go in to see your father?

  NORMAN Yes, but he’s not very alert. It’s not looking good.

  Fabiana starts to break down and mumbles something in Spanish. Norman awkwardly pats her arm. As she takes a step toward Sidney’s room:

  You know, Fabiana, I meant to tell you. I keep forgetting . . .

  Fabiana turns back.


  I don’t think the dishwasher is getting the silverware clean. I think you need to rinse off the knives and forks before you put them in. Or maybe just wash them separately, ’cause it’s kind of gross.

  FABIANA (through tears) Then why bother with the dishwasher? It’s like washing your hands before you shower.

  NORMAN Very good point, Fabiana. I must say, I’m no fan of the dishwasher. I prefer to do it by hand. I have much more confidence in a hand wash.

  FABIANA Well if you want me to rinse them off, I can rinse them off.

  NORMAN Just something to keep in the back of your head.

  FABIANA Okay.

  Gloria emerges from Sidney’s room, passes Fabiana, and gives her a funny look.

  GLORIA Oh . . . Fabiana.

  FABIANA (curtly) Hello.

  Fabiana continues into Sidney’s room.

  GLORIA What the hell is your maid doing here?

  NORMAN What are you talking about? She worked for you and Dad for ten years.

  GLORIA And she was terrible!

  NORMAN Oh yeah, like you’re a day at the beach!

  Now Brenda reenters with her daughter, NATALIE, early 20s. She’s with her goofy boyfriend, GREG.

  BRENDA Look who I found.

  NATALIE (with proper British accent) Hello, Uncle Arthur.

  They hug. Arthur gives Norman a look.

  NORMAN Hello! Well if it isn’t Miss Doolittle herself.

  NATALIE Hello, Father.

  They also hug.

  GLORIA I don’t get a hello?

  NATALIE Forgive me, Grandmother. Terribly sorry. Nasty business.

  They, too, hug.

  GLORIA Why are you talking like that?

  BRENDA She’s in character.

  NATALIE I’m playing Liza Doolittle.

  GLORIA Eliza Doolittle has a cockney accent. She’s not proper.

  GREG Well she is after Professor Higgins gets through with her.

  NATALIE (cockney) I ’ave to do both.

  NORMAN (to Natalie) Do you really need to be doing that here?

  NATALIE (back to proper, employed for the remainder of the act) Don’t be cross, Father.

  To Gloria.

  Grandmother, you remember my boyfriend, Greg?

  GREG Hi. I am so sorry for your loss.

  GLORIA He’s not dead yet.

  We hear a wail from Fabiana in Sidney’s room.

  BRENDA (to Norman) Fabiana?

  NORMAN She’s visiting.

  GREG Could it smell any worse in here?

  GLORIA He’s shy, isn’t he?

  NATALIE But it is unpleasant.

  GREG Unpleasant’s an understatement . . . Let me ask you. Can you die from an odor?

  NORMAN Not a terrible question.

  GREG I mean, if something really stunk and you had to smell it all the time?

  NATALIE If you could, I’d already be dead.

  GREG Norman, how funny is she?

  Dr. Stiles enters. Another wail from Fabiana.

  DR. STILES What’s that?

  NORMAN Our housekeeper. She used to work for my dad.

  DR. STILES Any news on the ventilator?

  NORMAN Yeah . . . We’re not doing it.

  DR. STILES Good decision.

  He exits. Norman and Greg find themselves paired up.

  GREG Was that your dad’s doctor?

  NORMAN Yeah.

  GREG Did you tip him? (he places his hand on Norman’s shoulder)

  NORMAN Tip him?

  GREG Sure, you should give him something.

  NORMAN Really? (Norman swats at Greg’s arm, which removes the hand)

  GREG Positively.

  NORMAN I never heard of that.

  GREG (putting his hand back on Norman’s shoulder) Oh, it’s appropriate. My dad does it all the time.

  NORMAN Hmm. How much? (he swats Greg’s hand away again)

  GREG One or two hundred at the very least.

  Fabiana wails again. Then the elevator doors open and an older couple step out. They are Sidney’s sister, ROSE, and her husband HARRY. Pudgy Rose has been the happiest of women since the day she married her shifty husband. Everyone adlibs their hellos to them.

  ARTHUR Hi, Aunt Rose.

  HARRY Brenda, Norman, Arthur . . .

  ROSE I’m so sorry, Gloria.

  GLORIA (looks at her watch) Oh, you finally decided to come?

  HARRY How is he?

  NORMAN Not great.

  HARRY Okay if we go in?

  NORMAN Sure, but there’s someone in there.

  HARRY (to Norman) So how’s the lawyer?

  NORMAN That’s Arthur.

  ROSE (re: Norman) He makes toilets, Harry. You know that.

  NORMAN They’re not toilets, they’re urinals. There’s a difference.

  HARRY They wish they were toilets.

  Fabiana exits Sidney’s room.

  ROSE Oh, it’s the cleaning lady! Hello!

  A distraught Fabiana ignores her, along with everyone else, and continues to the elevators.

  She’s awfully rude.

  NORMAN Well, she’s upset. She worked for my father a long time.

  ROSE Big deal. I’m his sister. You say hello.

  HARRY You can nod, for crissakes!

  ROSE That’s all I’m asking for, Norman. A simple nod. You move your head.

  Sidney’s blustery, bull-in-a-china-shop, younger brother, STEWIE, steps out of the elevator. He’s never had a conversation that someone didn’t overhear.

  STEWIE You live a virtuous life and for what?!

  NORMAN (gestures for him to keep it down) Inside voice, Uncle Stew.

  STEWIE I am inside.

  NORMAN It’s a little raucous for a hospital.

  STEWIE Hello, Gloria.

  He kisses her.

  GLORIA Stewart.

  STEWIE Rose . . . Harry. Hello, Natalie.

  NATALIE Uncle Stewart.

  STEWIE (to Norman) How is he? Can I go see him?

  HARRY Well we were just about to go in.

  STEWIE We can all go in together.

  HARRY Actually, if you don’t mind, we’d like to go in by ourselves.

  STEWIE “If I don’t mind?” Why can’t we all go in together?

  ROSE Look, we’ll just be a minute.

  STEWIE Nothing takes a minute.

  HARRY Two at the most.

  STEWIE Now it’s already up to two.

  ROSE I want to say good-bye to him and it’s personal.

  STEWIE You weren’t even close to him!

  ROSE He was best man at my wedding!

  STEWIE That’s ’cause he’s got no friends!

  HARRY I’ve got friends!

  STEWIE They’re all in prison.

  GLORIA Stewart, let them go in!

  STEWIE Ahh, go ahead! (he waves them off)

  ROSE (snidely) Thank you.

  They go in.

  STEWIE He’s a real pleasure, that Harry. Top prick . . . So, Gloria, what’s new?

  GLORIA What’s new? My husband’s dying.

  NORMAN Maybe not such a good question.

  Gloria exits.

  GREG (to Brenda) April 19, 2007.

  NORMAN Oh, God.

  BRENDA . . . Oh, that’s a special one. It was a rainy Thursday. I did the crossword puzzle, missed 51 Across. Quarterback who led the Jets to victory at Super Bowl III . . . Namath. Then Sidney came over and gave us that hideous portrait he painted of Gloria. And with Norman’s permission, he hung it right in the living room. I’ve had to look at that monstrosity for the last seven years.

  NORMAN It was a gift.

  BRENDA So what? Your mother gave me a grotesque, woolen, ar
gyle scarf for my birthday one year. I don’t wear it. It’s not a big deal.

  STEWIE (re: Harry and Rose) What are they doing in there? (getting worked up) What if something happens and I don’t get to see him?

  ARTHUR Nothing’s going to happen.

  STEWIE I betcha Harry’ll stay longer on purpose just to piss me off!

  NORMAN He’s not going to doing that.

  STEWIE You don’t know him, Norman. He is!

  NORMAN No, he’s not!

  STEWIE He thinks I’m going to stand for this bullshit? I don’t stand for bullshit, Norman! (he starts for Sidney’s room)

  NORMAN Stewie, don’t go in there.

  Stewie continues for the door.

  Stewie!

  But Stewie will not be deterred and barges in.

  STEWIE (O.S.) It’s not going to work!

  HARRY (O.S.) Will you get the hell out of here?

  STEWIE (O.S.) No, time’s up. You get out!

  ROSE (O.S.) Get out, Stew! What’s wrong with you?

  STEWIE (O.S.) Who do you think you are?

  ROSE (O.S.) You’re a lunatic!

  HARRY (O.S. panicked) Sidney! Sidney!

  HARRY/STEWIE (O.S.) Sidney!

  HARRY/STEWIE/ROSE (O.S.) Sidney!

  (Rose, Harry, and Stewie rush out)

  ARTHUR What’s going on?

  STEWIE Something happened!

  NORMAN What happened?

  HARRY Someone get the doctor!

  STEWIE Who? Who should get the doctor?

  HARRY I don’t know! Somebody!

  STEWIE Okay, so you go!

  HARRY No, you go!

  STEWIE Rose, get a doctor!

  ROSE You go!

  BRENDA Oh for God’s sake! I’ll go.

  Brenda waves them off and marches out to find the doctor.

  STEWIE That’s okay, I’ll go.

  HARRY No, I’ll go.

  STEWIE Oh, ’cause I said I was going? Now you wanna go?

  Blackout

  Scene 3

  Stage lights up on Sidney’s room, where everyone, including Dr. Stiles, has gathered around the bed of the once mighty Sidney Drexel. The end is nigh.

  NORMAN Dad . . . Dad . . .

  NATALIE Quiet, he’s trying to say something.

  SIDNEY I love you, Gloria.

  GLORIA What?

  NORMAN He said he loves you.

  GLORIA I love you, too, Sidney.

  SIDNEY I love you, Norm-al.

  NORMANARTHUR

  I love you too, Dad.I love you too, Dad.

  ARTHUR He was talking to me. He said I love you, Toro. He calls me Toro.

  NORMAN He said Norm-al. He calls me Normal.