by Larry David
SIDNEY Who’s that? Stewie?
STEWIE Yes, Sidney.
ROSE And your sister, Rose.
HARRY I’m here too.
SIDNEY Who’s that?
HARRY Harry.
SIDNEY Harry Gold?
HARRY Harry Kanter, your brother-in-law.
SIDNEY Oh.
SIDNEY (glancing toward Norman and Arthur) Listen, I want you to do something for me.
ARTHURNORMAN
Of course.You name it.
ARTHUR He was talking to me.
NORMAN He was talking to me.
SIDNEY I want you to always take care of your mother.
ARTHURNORMAN
Absolutely!Yes, of course, of course!
SIDNEY I don’t want her to live alone.
NORMANARTHUR
What?What?
SIDNEY I want her to come live with you.
NORMAN Me?
ARHTUR Me?
SIDNEY Exactly.
NORMANARTHUR
(pointing to Arthur)(pointing to Norman)
Who? Him?Who? Him?
SIDNEY Promise me. Promise me you won’t let her live alone in that big house.
Long silence . . .
NORMAN Promise him.
ARTHUR He was talking to you.
NORMAN He was talking to you.
GLORIA Sidney, who were you talking to? Sidney?
NORMAN Dad?! Dad!
NATALIE Grandpa.
GREG Mr. Drexel.
BRENDA Sidney.
GLORIA Oh my God.
ARTHUR Dad, who were you talking to?
NORMAN Dad, who were you talking to! Who the hell were you talking to?!
Dr. Stiles checks Sidney’s stats then shakes his head.
Blackout
Scene 4
Sidney’s hospital room, a few minutes later. Except for Natalie and Greg, all Principals are present, including the dead body.
ARTHUR Oh come on. He was looking right at you.
NORMAN No way. He was looking at you. How much you want to bet?
ARTHUR I’ll bet you whatever you want. A thousand!
NORMAN Ten thousand!
ARTHUR Ten thousand? You don’t even have ten thousand!
NORMAN I can get ten thousand!
ARTHUR You can get ten thousand?!
BRENDA Will the two of you stop it? Your father’s been dead for five minutes. What’s the matter with you? You should be ashamed of yourselves! Anyway, it’s all so ridiculous . . .
To Arthur.
He was looking right at you.
ARTHUR (to the Nurse and Dr. Stiles) Doctor, could we talk to you both for a second? You were here. Were you able to tell who he was talking to?
NURSE (to Arthur) First I thought he was talking to you and then he seemed to switch.
NORMAN (to Nurse) How dare you.
ARTHUR (to Norman) Okay?
DR. STILES That’s not the way I saw it. He started with you and then ended up with you.
Norman reacts in kind.
ARTHUR Thank you. That’s very helpful . . .
Gloria begins to cry.
DR. STILES The mortician should be here soon . . . I’m sorry for your loss.
GLORIA Thank you.
Dr. Stiles and the Nurse head for the door.
ARTHUR Let’s wait outside. This is morbid.
To Dr. Stiles.
How long does it usually take for them to get here?
DR. STILES Not sure. Could be fifteen minutes. Could be two hours.
ROSE You’d think as soon as somebody dies, they’d get swooped up.
STEWIE She’s right. You can’t just leave the guy lying here. It’s like at a restaurant after a meal—the busboy clears away the plates . . . He needs to be bussed.
DR. STILES On that note . . .
Dr. Stiles and the Nurse leave. Norman remembers something and follows them out.
Lights down on Sidney’s room. Lights up on the lounge.
NORMAN Hey, Doc.
He reaches into his pocket and removes a wad of bills.
Just wanted to thank you for everything. Here’s a small token of my appreciation . . . Use it in good health. Go buy yourself a new stethoscope.
DR. STILES What are you doing? You’re giving me a tip?
NORMAN Yeah.
DR. STILES Seriously?
NORMAN I thought it was customary.
DR. STILES I assure you it is not customary. That’s the first one I’ve ever been offered.
NORMAN Is that so?
DR. STILES Yes, that’s so.
NORMAN (turning to the Nurse) Have you ever heard of tipping a doctor?
The Nurse laughs.
That’s what I thought. I think I’ve just been had.
NURSE Well now you have the fun of getting even.
NORMAN So I do, Nurse Ramirez. So I shall.
SR, we pick up on a conversation already underway.
HARRY (forcefully to Stewie) I was talking to him. We were having a nice conversation. Then you barged in, started screaming, and he died. You killed him!
STEWIE He was about to die any minute.
ROSE Any minute? What are you, a doctor?
STEWIE I’m sorry. It came from a good place.
HARRY Where’s that?
STEWIE (defensive) Fine. I’m leaving.
ROSE Oh that’s right! As soon as things get a little sticky, the tough guy leaves.
STEWIE What do you want me to do, sleep here?
ARTHUR All right, enough. Give us a break.
STEWIE . . . Gloria, I’m sorry. Did I kill him?
GLORIA You didn’t help.
STEWIE So this is how it’s going to be? The only reason I was even civil to you people was out of respect for my brother. Now that he’s gone, we’re done. (Stewie starts to leave, then stops abruptly) If you don’t mind . . . I’ll just be a minute. (he enters the bathroom and shuts the door)
HARRY Well, Rose, we should also get going.
ROSE Yes we should.
They say their good-byes. On their way out, Harry stops by the bed and addresses Sidney’s corpse.
HARRY Good-bye, Sidney. You were one of my favorite people. And it was so nice of you to promise me your Rolex. I’ll wear it every day and think of you. What a beautiful parting gift. I’ll cherish it for the rest of my life. Thank you, Sidney. Take care.
GLORIA Sidney said you could have his Rolex?
HARRY Yes . . . wasn’t that a beautiful gesture?
GLORIA When did he say that?
HARRY Earlier when I was in the room talking to him.
GLORIA Doesn’t sound like Sidney.
ROSE That’s what he said, Gloria.
HARRY I even said to him, “Are you sure, Sidney? Is that what you want to do?” He said, “Harry, I’ve never been more certain of anything in my life.”
NORMAN No kidding.
HARRY You don’t have to give it to me right away. I’ll pick it up.
As he and Rose start to exit—
NORMAN Take care of those big balls.
They leave. As soon as they’re out the door:
GLORIA What a liar. A filthy liar.
ARTHUR That really takes the cake.
BRENDA Wow.
GLORIA He’ll get that watch over my dead body.
NORMAN Actually, Dad promised that watch to me.
ARTHUR He did? When?
NORMAN You think I’m making that up? He told me that watch was mine.
ARTHUR You couldn’t wear that watch anyway! You’re not a Rolex guy.
NORMAN Oh, you are? You are?!
ARTHUR I’m more Role
x than you!
NORMAN I’m much more Rolex than you! Ma, who’s more Rolex?
GLORIA Oh, for God’s sake.
To Brenda.
Where did Natalie go?
BRENDA She left with Greg. He had to go to work.
NORMAN Oh! She’s got my credit card. (he runs out)
GLORIA She’s taking this acting thing too far. Who goes around talking like that?
BRENDA Well, she’s finally found something to focus on. And she’s in a very serious relationship with Greg, who I happen to like a lot.
GLORIA He’s not the brightest bulb in the box, that one. I think he’s got ADHD.
BRENDA He’s actually trying to become a life coach.
GLORIA I rest my case.
BRENDA Well I think it’s pretty impressive.
ARTHUR It’s great that you like him. My father didn’t care for my ex.
BRENDA (half-joking) Or me.
ARTHUR (laughing) Well that’s true.
BRENDA (this comes as bit of a surprise for Brenda) What?
ARTHUR The day you guys got married, my dad told Norman he didn’t have to go through with it.
BRENDA Excuse me?
ARTHUR Norman never told you? Oh, well . . . um, he thought you were . . . too young.
BRENDA (skeptical) Too young?
ARTHUR Mom, will you tell her? Wasn’t that it?
GLORIA Well I’m not gonna lie. He never liked you.
BRENDA What did I ever do to him?
Norman enters and catches that.
NORMAN What’s going on?
BRENDA Your mother was just about to tell me why your father didn’t like me.
NORMAN What? Oh come on. Why is it that after someone dies all of a sudden people decide to become honest? Not only is honesty not the best policy, it’s actually the worst of all possible policies.
BRENDA No, I want to hear this.
GLORIA You wanna hear? Okay. Twelve years ago, you invited us for dinner. You served fish. You dimmed the lights and it was so dark in that dining room, you couldn’t see the bones. Sidney almost choked to death. I remember twice he asked you to turn up the dimmer and you know what you said? You know what you said?
BRENDA I know exactly what I said, but why don’t you refresh my memory.
GLORIA Tell her, Arthur.
ARTHUR You said, “This is my house.”
BRENDA I like to dim the lights a little when I eat. Your house is like a Baskin-Robbins.
GLORIA Who eats fish in the dark? It’s insane. Poor Sidney was retching for half an hour. I thought we were going to have to take him to the hospital.
NORMAN It was twelve years ago!
GLORIA He never forgot it and neither did I! Fish in the dark!
NORMAN It wasn’t even that dark!
ARTHUR I couldn’t see it.
NORMAN I had no problem.
BRENDA Me neither.
GLORIA You were near the kitchen. You had more light.
NORMAN So he swallowed a bone and that was it?
GLORIA And what about that beautiful scarf we gave her for her birthday years ago and she never wore it? Not once! Not once! I’ve seen her in a hundred different scarves since then. She bought scarves on purpose just to annoy us.
BRENDA I don’t wear wool. It itches.
GLORIA It itches? Oh, I’m sorry your neck is so delicate.
NORMAN (to Gloria) Will you stop it?!
Brenda gathers her things. She’s heard enough.
GLORIA You’re so scared of her! She snaps her fingers and you jump. She doesn’t appreciate you and she never did from day one!
BRENDA You know what? I look forward to getting that middle-of-the-night call about visiting you right here. The sooner, the better.
NORMAN (to Brenda) Oh, come on.
Brenda leaves, just as the MORTICIANS enter. Norman gestures to the bed.
Right there.
GLORIA Oh my God.
As the Morticians put Sidney on the gurney and wheel him out, we hear a toilet flush. Stewie opens the bathroom door. Everyone turns and stares.
STEWIE What?
Blackout
Scene 5
Lights up on Gloria’s dining room. CS, a long table with a spread of food and pastries. Behind it is a smaller, rectangular table, which serves as a makeshift bar. There are a few dining room chairs scattered about.
UL are French doors, which lead to the patio, where most of the family will gather.
A door, SR, leads to the street. Norman and Brenda, wearing funeral garb, enter through the French doors.
BRENDA How you holding up?
NORMAN Okay.
BRENDA You know, Norman, you don’t have to pretend. At the funeral, I saw you covering your face and shaking.
NORMAN No . . . I was trying not to vomit from an acid reflux attack.
BRENDA Ohhh . . . that’s what that was.
NORMAN Yeah, it was a bad one.
BRENDA So besides the Louis XIV decor, this isn’t a bad house. I don’t see why we can’t just get her a dog for company.
NORMAN She hates all animals. She looks at extinction as a good thing.
BRENDA Well then you need to talk to Arthur soon because I’ll move out before she moves in with us. Could you imagine?
NORMAN Oh, we’d kill each other.
BRENDA I think I’d kill you first so your mother would suffer more.
NORMAN If you ever killed me, she’d drown you in the toilet bowl, then impale you and use your head for a tchotchke.
Brenda takes a piece of food from Norman’s plate.
What are you doing? There’s a whole table full of food.
Now the other Drexels and their Family and Friends begin to straggle in, also wearing funeral garb.
ARTHUR I could use a drink.
To Stewie.
Do you want something?
STEWIE Now you’re talking!
ARTHUR Mom, where do you keep the liquor?
GLORIA It’s right in front of your face.
NORMAN (to Arthur, trying to sound casual) So you didn’t invite Michelle to the funeral . . . ?
ARTHUR I’m not seeing her anymore. Didn’t want to touch her after Dad copped a feel. Eeech . . .
STEWIE I gotta tell ya, Norm, the only time I feel truly alive is at funerals. It’s like life is an elimination tournament and I’ve moved on to the next round.
NORMAN Very touching, Stewie. I should’ve mentioned that in my eulogy.
STEWIE You gave a good eulogy, Norm, but you finished a distant second.
NORMAN Yes, Jessica was very good.
STEWIE Good? Great. Arthur must be very proud.
A beat, as everyone settles. Gloria sighs.
GLORIA I never would have believed it. Sidney’s gone.
BRENDA One down, one to go.
GLORIA They should have eulogies when people are alive so at least they can hear it.
ARTHUR Good point, Mom.
GLORIA (to Norman) All I know is I hope you say such nice things about me at my funeral.
NORMAN Nicer!
GLORIA Really? There’s something nice to say?
NORMAN (fumbling) Uh . . . Sure, sure. Yeah, yeah . . . Sure. I’ll come up with something.
JAY LEVENTHAL, mid-50s, approaches Norman and Arthur.
JAY (to Arthur) So I hear you’re dating my notary, Michelle.
ARTHUR I was.
NORMAN She’s something.
JAY That she is . . . Your dad was quite a guy. I wish I’d known he was in the hospital. Most of my clients are senior citizens. I’m over there more than I’m at my office.
ARTHUR He always liked you, Jay.
JAY Boy, he gave me a lot of good laughs.
NORMAN He was the funniest.
To Stewie.
This is Jay Leventhal, my dad’s lawyer and estate planner. This is my Uncle Stewie.
STEWIE Nice to meet you. If I ever get an estate, I’ll give you a call.
To Norman.
I’m funnier than your father!
NATALIE (employing proper voice for the entire scene) With all due respect, dear Uncle, I beg to disagree. There was nary a man who could match wits with darling Sidney.
STEWIE Where is this play you’re doing? I want to come see it.
NATALIE It’s in a work space above the Hooters on Cahuenga Boulevard. Shall I put you down for two?
STEWIE I’ll tell you later.
Rose and Harry enter and head straight for Gloria.
ROSE Gloria, it was a lovely service.
HARRY I was crying like a baby.
GLORIA Forget it, Harry. You’re not getting the Rolex.
HARRY But Sidney said—
GLORIA Please, Harry. Sidney said? I know Sidney . . . His last words were not going to be, “Harry, you can have my Rolex.” He’d rather die.
HARRY Gloria, as God as my witness.
GLORIA I don’t care if Lindbergh’s maid was your witness. You’re not getting it . . .
ROSE Come on, Harry. I’ve heard enough.
To Gloria.
You’ve got some nerve.
GLORIA I’ve got a nerve?
As Rose and Harry head to the door, Rose can’t resist stopping at the buffet table.
ROSE (to Harry) You want a sandwich?
HARRY What do they have?
ROSE Tuna, pastrami, egg salad . . .
HARRY Egg salad? It’ll stink up the car.
NORMAN Just pick one!
Rose and Harry leave with the sandwiches, as more Family and Friends arrive, among them, Arthur’s fourteen-year-old daughter, JESSICA.
ARTHUR Oh there she is! My daughter, ladies and gentlemen. How fantastic was she?
Very, according to the assemblage.
GLORIA Come here, sweetheart. I want to give you a hug.
Jessica gets the full treatment.
You were so wonderful. I’m so proud of you. Grandpa would be too.
JESSICA Thank you, Grandma.
GLORIA You had the best speech. Better than Norman. Norman, she was better than you.
NORMAN Yes, yes. She was very good.
GLORIA Fourteen years old.
To Norman.
Could you write a beautiful eulogy like that when you were fourteen?
NORMAN No, I could not.
ARTHUR Yeah, well, she worked very hard on it. How ’bout this kid?!
