by Larry David
NORMAN (finds Brenda) You listening to this bullshit?
BRENDA Hard not to.
NORMAN I don’t think she wrote a word of that.
BRENDA You don’t, do you?
NORMAN No, I don’t.
BRENDA (mocking) Oh, so Arthur did?
NORMAN Uh, yeah!
BRENDA Because he wanted to show you up.
NORMAN There you go.
BRENDA I think you’re nuts.
NORMAN Are you kidding? No fourteen-year-old could write like that. She used the word “profound.” No way she knows that word.
BRENDA Profound? What’s the big whoop with profound?
NORMAN Big whoop? Since when do you say “whoop”?
BRENDA I say whoop.
NORMAN I’ve never heard you say whoop.
BRENDA Anyway, you’ll never know.
NORMAN That’s what you think.
BRENDA No. Don’t.
NORMAN It’ll be very easy.
BRENDA Everyone will just think you’re jealous because, the truth is, she was better.
NORMAN Et tu, Brendus?
BRENDA Don’t you have more important things to do, like talk to Arthur? I’m not kidding, Norman. This is not just a painting. She’s alive. In the flesh. It’s time to walk the talk.
NORMAN You mean talk the talk.
BRENDA No, you’re walking over there, so it’s walk the talk.
NORMAN Look, you either talk the talk or walk the walk! You can’t mix up the walking and the talking!
BRENDA Well you don’t know what you’re walking or talking about!
She heads off, leaving Norman alone. A few beats later, Jessica enters. Norman brightens. He gives her the once-over, then:
NORMAN Hey.
JESSICA Hi.
NORMAN So that was a wonderful, wonderful eulogy.
JESSICA Thank you, Uncle Norman.
NORMAN And you used the word “profound.” That’s a big word.
JESSICA It’s not so big.
NORMAN Oh it’s kind of big. Profound. That’s a real grown-up word. Where’d you come across that one?
GLORIA (screams) Sidney! Sidney!
All eyes turn to Gloria.
Sidney was here!
ARTHUR Mom, calm down. What are you talking about?
GLORIA The bird out there. You didn’t see it? It was right there.
ARTHUR So what?
GLORIA It was an Oriole. Daddy was from Baltimore. He was an Oriole fan. That was a sign from Sidney! He said he was going to give me a sign and that was it!
NORMAN Mom, are you crazy? They’ll put you in the nut house . . . It was just a bird.
GLORIA It wasn’t a bird. It was Sidney.
NORMAN So I don’t understand. What if it was Dad? Is that a good thing? Dad’s a bird?
GLORIA Sidney!
As she runs outside to the Garden Patio area, everyone follows except Norman and Greg.
NORMAN Dad’s a bird! It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s Sidney! . . . What a freak show!
GREG Hey, Norman?
NORMAN Oh, hey, Greg.
GREG Could I talk to you for a second?
NORMAN Sure.
GREG (with some difficulty) So Natalie and I have been together for over a year now and . . . well . . . Norman I’d really like to marry her. Of course, I wouldn’t ask her without your blessing first . . .
NORMAN (putting him on) My blessing . . . My blessing . . . Hmm . . . You know what? I-I-I-I . . . don’t think so. Nope. Not feeling it, Greggy boy.
GREG You’re denying the blessing?
NORMAN Yeah . . . not blessing-inclined right now. Too soon. Maybe a couple years. Sorry.
Arthur reenters. Greg exits.
ARTHUR Thanks for all your help. That was really pleasant . . . I was just thinking how out of control Mom’s going to be now. Dad was the only one she listened to. She worshipped the guy.
NORMAN I know . . . So look, we need to discuss this living situation with Mom.
ARTHUR Why can’t she just live here?
NORMAN Because her husband died and she doesn’t want to.
ARTHUR So she has to live with one of us?
NORMAN It was Dad’s dying wish. And he asked you. You know that.
ARTHUR Oh come on. He was looking at you.
NORMAN No. He was looking at you.
ARTHUR Even the nurse said so.
NORMAN The doctor said he was looking at you. Who would know more, a doctor or a nurse?
ARTHUR A nurse. They’re always more attuned to the patient.
NORMAN I’ve had bad nurses. They can be very gruff.
ARTHUR Well she can’t live with me, so that’s out of the question.
NORMAN Listen, I would do it, even though I don’t want to, but Brenda has already told me she’ll leave me. She hates her. Mom cannot stay with us.
ARTHUR Look, Norman, I swear I’d do it if Dad asked me or Mom asked me.
NORMAN Hey, I’ve got an idea. Well Dad’s dead, and he did ask you. And Mom wouldn’t ask you that in a million years . . . Hey, I got it. She rotates!
ARTHUR Rotates? You mean going from house to house like kids whose parents are divorced? No, Norman, I won’t do that. She needs a safe and secure environment . . . Your house.
NORMAN Don’t you understand?! I just explained. I can’t! Brenda will leave me.
ARTHUR Blessing in Disguise. It will change your life. You’ll thank me.
NORMAN So that’s it? You’re not going to take her?
ARTHUR Nope. You need to learn to say no, Norman. It’s very liberating.
NORMAN Yes, I suppose it frees you up to be a thoughtless douchebag.
Arthur rejoins everyone outside. Norman begins to pace. He’s interrupted by Fabiana.
FABIANA Hello, Mr. Drexel.
NORMAN Hey, Fabiana. Oh, look you brought a little something.
FABIANA Some cuchi fritos.
NORMAN Oh, cuchi fritos . . . I didn’t know you were coming.
FABIANA Well I work for your father a long time.
NORMAN Yes, until I stole you.
FABIANA You no steal me, Mr. Drexel. I quit . . . Mr. Drexel . . . (she closes the door)
NORMAN Again with the door . . .
FABIANA . . . I need to talk to you about something.
NORMAN Sure.
FABIANA This is not easy to say . . .
NORMAN Okay . . . Go ahead.
FABIANA It was twenty years ago. I had been working for your parents maybe eight months. One day I was in the laundry room and Mr. Sidney came up behind me and grabbed my tetas and started rubbing up against me.
NORMAN What? My father grabbed your tetas?!
FABIANA Sí. Your father. This is true.
Jay enters.
Hello.
Offering one.
Cuchi frito?
JAY Jay Leventhal. (he takes it and exits)
NORMAN Oh God . . . Go on.
FABIANA Anyway, I couldn’t stop him, but Mr. Drexel, I didn’t want to stop him. We wound up having chingando right there in the laundry room.
NORMAN Chingando? With my father? In the laundry room?
FABIANA He said it was the safest room in the house, that your mother would never set foot in there.
NORMAN And it was just that . . . one time?
FABIANA No. I worked there three days a week, so we did it six times a week . . . That’s an average.
NORMAN That’s an average?
FABIANA Well, sometimes we’d only do it once or twice. Other times we’d do it ten, twelve, fourteen—
NORMAN Fourteen?! I thought he was tired from work . . . So did he ever see you outside the house?
FABIANA
Oh yes. He would take me out to restaurants. And once we went to a dude ranch.
NORMAN My father took you to a dude ranch?
FABIANA Yes.
A SERVER enters from SL, and places a plate on the food table. Norman and Fabiana immediately shift the conversation.
NORMAN I love horses.
FABIANA Me too.
NORMAN Beautiful creatures.
FABIANA I do sidesaddle.
NORMAN I do bareback.
Once the Server is gone, Fabiana and Norman resume their actual conversation.
NORMAN . . . Wow, all this time I thought you quit because of my mother.
FABIANA No. The truth is I left because of Diego.
NORMAN Diego? Your son? What did he have to do with anything?
Fabiana gives him a long look, raising her eyebrows. A few beats, then:
Oh no . . . No, no . . . No, no, no!
FABIANA Yes, yes, yes.
NORMAN No . . . No . . . That’s not good. Fabiana, it’s not good . . . It’s not good!
FABIANA When Diego got older, he started to look so much like your father that I couldn’t bring him to the house. Anyway, Sidney told me he’d always take care of us. He said he was going to speak to you about me.
NORMAN Me?
FABIANA Yes, you . . . Or maybe it was your brother.
NORMAN Yes, Arthur! It was Arthur!
FABIANA I’m not sure. It was the last time I saw him, when he was in the hospital. He said a name I never hear before.
NORMAN Was it Toro? Normal?
FABIANA One of those two.
NORMAN Of course it was Arthur. He has way more money than me. Why would my father want you to talk to me?
FABIANA I don’t know.
NORMAN Fabiana, does anyone else know about this?
FABIANA No, no one.
NORMAN Listen, would you do me a favor?
FABIANA If it’s not a big one.
NORMAN Would you tell Arthur that my father wanted him to take care of Diego?
FABIANA I’m sorry, Mr. Drexel. I can’t. I don’t know him like that. But someone has to take care of us. Diego wants to go to college and it’s expensive.
NORMAN College? Really?
FABIANA Yes.
NORMAN You know, I went to college. It’s a complete waste of time.
FABIANA Not for my Diego. He will learn. He’s a good boy.
NORMAN Of course he is.
FABIANA And then he wants to go to medical school.
NORMAN Why wouldn’t he? I would imagine he might want to study abroad, as well.
FABIANA No, but that sounds like a very good idea. I will mention it to him.
NORMAN Look, Fabiana, can I be honest with you? I can’t afford all this. The urinal business has not been great.
FABIANA (getting emotional) So what are you saying? You are not going to help us? What’s wrong with you? This is your brother . . . This is your blood.
NORMAN All right, we’ll work it out.
FABIANA You promise?
NORMAN Close to promising . . . Eighty-five percent promise . . . Ninety-six percent promise . . .
Fabiana leaves. Norman frantically motions to Arthur to come back inside.
Close the doors, close the doors.
Arthur does.
So guess what?
ARTHUR I give up.
NORMAN Ready for this?
ARTHUR Yeah, I’m ready.
NORMAN . . . We have a brother.
ARTHUR We have a brother? What are you talking about?
NORMAN Fabiana’s son, Diego . . . Dad’s his father.
ARTHUR What?!
NORMAN Yup.
ARTHUR Are you fucking kidding me?
NORMAN Nope.
ARTHUR I swear, the last time I saw that kid he was twelve and I thought, “There’s something about him that looks familiar.” But I couldn’t figure it out.
NORMAN Can you believe Dad? I thought that breast thing in the hospital was an aberration, but apparently it’s the tip of the iceberg.
ARTHUR I can see it. To be perfectly honest, I’ve had the same thought about Fabiana.
NORMAN Really?
ARTHUR Yes. I’m attracted to housekeepers in general. Especially in hotels. There’s a woman in your room, wearing a uniform. It’s a sexually charged situation.
NORMAN You’re like that guy from France.
ARTHUR Strauss-Kahn? No. He forced her. That I don’t get. I mean, at least ask. Put a move on her. Buy her a drink. Offer to vacuum. Something.
NORMAN And how do you force someone? It’s hard enough to have sex if it’s consensual . . . You know, for me . . . Anyway, here’s the thing. Dad was giving them money and he said he was going to talk to you about it, but, tragically, he never got the chance.
ARTHUR Dad was going to talk to me about taking care of them?
NORMAN Yeah, well, makes sense. You’re the guy with the money. Why wouldn’t he?
ARTHUR I got all that money . . .
NORMAN You got the money.
ARTHUR Okay, that’s obviously bullshit. Nice try.
NORMAN It’s not bullshit!
ARTHUR “He never got the chance?” . . . Norman, you disappoint me. There’s no way I’m taking care of them.
NORMAN We have to do something.
ARTHUR She’s your maid.
NORMAN My maid?! She comes once a week and that’s only because I’m doing her a favor. You know my financial situation. And by the way, lest I remind you—Ta-dah! (pointing to Gloria) That’s what I got going! So it all falls on me? Mom and Diego?! I get the check and the tip?
Brenda enters.
BRENDA What’s going on?
NORMAN He won’t take her.
BRENDA He won’t and you will?
NORMAN What can I do?
BRENDA You’re choosing your mother over me?
NORMAN I’m not choosing anybody! I’m trying to be a good son!
BRENDA How about trying to be a decent husband?
NORMAN Look, it was a dying request from my father! I can’t ignore that. You wouldn’t want me if I was like that.
Arthur slinks out. Norman points to Arthur.
Like him!
BRENDA That’s where you’re wrong. You could do with a little more Arthur and a little less Norman!
NORMAN That’s the most insulting thing anyone’s ever said to me!
BRENDA Go cry to Mommy about it!
NORMAN No, that’s the most insulting!
Brenda leaves. Gloria comes stomping in.
GLORIA Norman.
NORMAN What?
GLORIA Your wife stormed out of here without so much as a “Good-bye, Gloria. So sorry for your loss. If there’s anything I can do . . .” Nothing. I have no use for her.
She exits, just as Arthur reenters, steaming.
ARTHUR What the fuck? What did you say to Jessica?
NORMAN I didn’t say anything. I complimented her on the eulogy.
ARTHUR Oh, compliment? She didn’t write the eulogy?
NORMAN I never said that.
ARTHUR Well she’s crying. She said you told her she didn’t write it.
NORMAN Nope! Nope, nope . . . I never said it. I implied it.
ARTHUR You’re a fucking asshole, you know that?
NORMAN Oh I’m an asshole? I didn’t ghostwrite a eulogy for my daughter, then brag about how wonderful she is and watch her take credit for it.
ARTHUR I didn’t write it and you’re just jealous because it was better than yours. I know you. You wanted your eulogy to be the best. It had to be the best . . . ! (he storms off, then O.S.:) Come on, Jessica, we’re leaving!
NORMAN I wrote mine! It was better! It was the f
ucking best! IT WAS PROFOUND!
Curtain
End of ACT ONE
ACT TWO
Scene 1
Norman’s house. SR, a kitchen area with a right-angle island counter that looks onto the great room, which contains a comfortable sofa and chair. The front door is UC. There are also doors DL and DR. Brenda’s touches are everywhere, from the plants to the artwork, to the shabby chic decor. She made a beautiful home for Norman—and apparently his mother.
Norman enters, dragging heavy luggage, followed by Gloria.
GLORIA I just do not understand why you have to drive so close to the other cars. What’s the hurry? Why the rush? We were only going from my house to your house. You know what else? I don’t even need all this stuff. It’s not like I’m going anywhere.
NORMAN (covering his face) Oh my God. You know what you should think about? . . . A cruise. People love cruises.
GLORIA Are you kidding? The toilets don’t ever work. That’s all I need . . . Drek boat.
NORMAN It happened one time. They fixed that.
GLORIA The boat probably still stinks.
NORMAN Do you think that’s the only boat? It’s a great trip. Goes to all these different ports.
GLORIA What, Haiti? That’s not on my bucket list.
NORMAN Who said anything about Haiti?
GLORIA And I’m not going to Puerto Rico.
FABIANA (enters from the bedroom) What’s wrong with Puerto Rico?
GLORIA Fabiana? Oh that’s right. I forgot you work here.
FABIANA You have a problem with Puerto Rico?
GLORIA No more so than the average person.
FABIANA (under her breath) Pendeja.
Gloria goes into her bedroom.
NORMAN Hey, what’s with the attitude?
FABIANA It’s not my attitude. It’s her attitude!
NORMAN She had a bad experience there.
FABIANA What bad experience?
NORMAN She couldn’t get a cabana. It was a disaster.
FABIANA I don’t work for her anymore. I don’t have to be nice.
NORMAN Yes you do . . . Look, I know you don’t like her. It’s understandable. You’re jealous because my father was married to her.
FABIANA Jealous?! Your father loved me, not her. I work for you, not her. I’m not going to let her boss me around like she used to.
GLORIA Fabiana, would you put up some coffee?
FABIANA One second.
GLORIA And I’d love a biscuit with that. A nice warm biscuit with a little butter. Delicious! (she goes back to her bedroom)
