by Larry David
FABIANA (to Norman) A biscuit?
NORMAN It’s sort of like a combination of bread and a cookie.
FABIANA I know what a biscuit is! (to Gloria) We don’t have biscuits.
NORMAN No biscuits!
Gloria reeneters.
GLORIA What kind of house doesn’t have biscuits? Buy some biscuits.(she returns to her room)
NORMAN Ah, shut the hell up!
Brenda enters.
Hey! You’re moving back?
BRENDA Is your mother here?
NORMAN She just got here.
BRENDA Then no, I’m not. I came for my body pillow. (she heads for the bedroom, then turns back abruptly) August 7, 2006.
NORMAN Oh, here we go.
BRENDA It was a Monday. We had dinner with your family at Fratelli’s. Your mother, your father, Rose, Harry, and Stewie. It took a month to get the reservation. Of course, they didn’t like anything on the menu and they all ordered spaghetti and meatballs, which wasn’t even on the menu. I got in an argument with Stewie, who was being impossible about it, and called him a dickhead. And then he called me a cunt. A cunt! And you just sat there! You didn’t even support me! You took his side!
NORMAN You called him a dickhead!
BRENDA Cunt is much worse than dickhead!
NORMAN Dickhead is the cunt equivalent!
BRENDA A dickhead is just a jerk.A cunt is a vicious, miserable hag.
NORMAN I was doing it more by body parts.
BRENDA You didn’t support me then and you’re not supporting me now!
NORMAN You can’t go around calling people dickheads!
BRENDA . . . Do you know why we never have sex?
NORMAN Do I know why we never have sex? . . . Is it because you don’t want to ruin the friendship?
BRENDA Because you spend so much time in the bathroom before you come in at night that I lose all desire and fall asleep!
NORMAN I need to do my nightly ablutions.
BRENDA Every night you’re in that bathroom for a half hour, flossing and water pik-ing and brushing and sudsing and moisturizing and gum stimming!!
NORMAN My dentist says I have the gums of a thirty-year-old man!
BRENDA The point is, whenever I’m in the mood, you’re not there! WHY CAN’T YOU JUST BRUSH YOUR TEETH AND GET INTO BED LIKE A NORMAL PERSON?!
NORMAN Why couldn’t you put that scarf on once? Just once?!
GLORIA (O.S. shouting) —Norman? Norman?!
NORMAN (to Gloria) WHAT?!
GLORIA (O.S.) Come here!
NORMAN You come here!
Gloria enters.
GLORIA I can’t find the remote . . . Oh, hello, Brenda. Very nice to see you.
BRENDA Hello, Gloria. I hope you two will be very happy together.
To Norman.
And it is walk the talk. I did some research! (she storms out)
GLORIA What’s with her?
NORMAN (calling after Brenda) Hey, you forgot your body pillow!
Gloria goes back to her room as Fabiana enters.
FABIANA (to Norman) So Mr. Drexel, did you talk to your brother about Diego?
NORMAN Yes, I have. He won’t give me anything. How much was my father giving you?
FABIANA Thirty thousand a year. Not a lot for me and your brother.
NORMAN Thirty thousand? I don’t have that kind of money.
FABIANA Your mother does.
NORMAN My mother? She’s even cheaper than Arthur. She’s not even leaving us anything. She’s giving it all to Hadassah.
FABIANA Who’s she?
NORMAN Her sister.
FABIANA Well you can explain all this to Diego. He’s coming here to pick me up.
NORMAN Here?
FABIANA Any minute.
Gloria reenters.
GLORIA Fabiana? Where’s my coffee? And you know what I just thought of? Cinnamon toast! You can never go wrong with cinnamon toast!
The doorbell rings.
I’ll get it.
She opens the door and standing before her is . . .
SIDNEY!!!
And with that, she faints.
Blackout
Scene 2
Norman and Fabiana in the great room, moments later. Gloria is out on the couch. Norman and Fabiana are hovering.
NORMAN Boy, I hope she’s okay.
FABIANA I don’t think she hurt herself.
NORMAN I mean mentally. She thinks she just saw her dead husband. They look exactly the same.
FABIANA It’s astounding . . . We gotta wake her up.
NORMAN (trying to rouse her) Ma, Matlock’s on! . . . Ma, the house is filthy. There are dirty dishes in the sink. The tub’s disgusting. Schmutz all over and company’s coming. Company!
FABIANA That’s not working.
NORMAN I’ve got another idea . . . (crouching over Gloria) . . . Mom, meet my new girlfriend, Habeeba. She’s from Gaza! She’s a member of Hamas! I’m going to visit her home next week. Did you hear what I said, Ma? I’m going to Gaza! GAZA!
Gloria finally stirs.
GLORIA Norman . . . I saw him. I saw Daddy.
NORMAN You did?
GLORIA Yes, he came to the front door. He was here. I saw Daddy. But he was very young. Looked exactly like he did the day we first met—when he came out of an elevator in his army uniform and bumped into me.
NORMAN Maybe you should go lie down in your room, get some rest.
GLORIA You don’t believe me. He’s trying to tell me something. You think I’m crazy.
NORMAN It was probably someone who looked like Dad.
GLORIA No one could look that much like him. Same eyes, same hair, same expression. I know your father.
Norman leads her back to the bedroom and shoves her inside, then reemerges, as Fabiana removes a bowl of food from the fridge.
NORMAN This is not going to end well.
FABIANA I made meatballs and spaghetti. Want some?
NORMAN Meatballs and spaghetti?! I’ll take a plate.
The doorbell rings.
NORMAN That’s Arthur. I’ll get it.
Fabiana exits SL as Norman lets in Arthur.
. . . Oh, hello.
ARTHUR What’s going on? Why all the drama?
NORMAN Diego, Fabiana’s son, stopped by. He’s a dead ringer for Dad at that age. Mom saw him and fainted.
ARTHUR Where is she?
NORMAN In Natalie’s room.
ARTHUR Hey! So get this. I had dinner last night and recommended the veal piccata to the—do you know what veal piccata is?
NORMAN Yeah, yeah, it’s the lemon one.
ARTHUR Right, so I recommended it to the guy sitting next to me. He orders it, doesn’t like it, and blames me. We got into a big fight!
NORMAN That’s fascinating. Have you thought anymore about our talk?
ARTHUR Our talk?
NORMAN Yeah, about helping out with Diego.
ARTHUR (ignores him, heads for the kitchen) Oh, that’s why you called me? No, I haven’t thought about it and I won’t think about it.
NORMAN So it’s not just “Nothing for the dead,” it’s also “Nothing for the living”? Hey . . . Maybe there’s one thing you could do for me.
ARTHUR What is it?
NORMAN Well, you know, Brenda left me . . . Thank you very much.
ARTHUR Ah-ha! See?
NORMAN I want Michelle’s number.
ARTHUR Why?
NORMAN I can sit through an hour dinner, no problem.
ARTHUR That’s very bold of you, Norman.
NORMAN I’m just trying to be more like you, Arthur. I would think you’d encourage that.
ARTHUR I’ve never seen you like this.
NORM
AN That day in the hospital, I was so jealous of Dad. I wished it was me who was dying.
ARTHUR I can’t do it.
NORMAN Why not?
ARTHUR Doesn’t feel right.
NORMAN Hey, I’ve got your wacked out mother in there for life! For the rest of her life. In there. Every day! Every meal. Shopping. Doctor visits. Listening to her raving about bialys. My life is over! And I have no idea how I’m going to send this kid to college.
ARTHUR You don’t have to do that.
NORMAN I know I don’t have to, but it’s Dad’s kid. He’s our brother. I would do it for you. So could you not do one thing for me? One small thing that costs you nothing?
ARTHUR I don’t really want you dating her.
NORMAN Well you know what? I know where she works. I’ll call her anyway.
ARTHUR She wouldn’t go out with you.
NORMAN Why not?
ARTHUR Because you have no game. You’re clumsy and awkward and inappropriate. You couldn’t make a move if your life depended on it. Your dream date is a woman breaking into your house and sitting on your penis!
NORMAN Who wouldn’t want that? Anyway . . . I’ve got moves! I’ve got plenty of moves.
ARTHUR Fine, go make all the moves you want. Let me know how that works out. (he starts to leave)
NORMAN That’s right, get out! And by the way, we’re done.
ARTHUR Fine with me.
NORMAN Yeah, fine with me too!
As soon as Arthur exits, Norman picks up the phone and dials.
. . . Um, yes, I’d like to speak with Michelle please . . . Oh, hey . . . It’s Norman Drexel, Arthur’s brother . . . Hi . . . So Arthur told me you guys broke up and I was wondering . . . if maybe you want to go out and get a beverage of some kind . . . A frothy latte . . . A lovely Dr. Pepper . . . Perhaps a 5-hour Energy? . . . Oh, well she moved out . . . She’s growing and I’m not . . . Really? That sounds great . . . Fantastic! I’m very excited.
Unbeknownst to Norman, Brenda enters.
Still on phone:
See you Saturday. (he hangs up)
BRENDA See who on Saturday?
NORMAN Hey!
BRENDA Hey . . .
She goes into the bedroom, as Norman grabs a bowl of the spaghetti. She then returns moments later with her body pillow.
BRENDA Who are you seeing on Saturday?
NORMAN Oh, I’m meeting with the head of the block association. Mark Tobin. There’ve been some prowlers and . . . we’re going to talk about it. I might have to do some neighborhood watch duties.
BRENDA Well you go get ‘em, Batman. I’m sure you’ll be quite a deterrent.
She starts to head out. Norman holds up his plate of food.
NORMAN Do you want some meatballs and spaghetti?
BRENDA Okay.
As Fabiana reenters, Brenda takes the plate and hurls it at the painting, then exits without a word.
FABIANA . . . I’m not cleaning that up.
NORMAN Oh for God’s sake! She’s nuts! (he grabs a sponge and starts to wipe up)
FABIANA How was your talk with Arthur?
NORMAN . . . That bastard! He’s so goddamn selfish. Won’t give me anything . . . I don’t know where I’m going to get that kind of money.
FABIANA So what are you saying?! Diego’s going to starve? Oh my God! How am I going to pay for college and his Pilates and his improv classes?
NORMAN I don’t know.
FABIANA You don’t know.
NORMAN No.
FABIANA . . . Well I know one way.
Norman puts the sponge down, gives her his full attention.
NORMAN You do?
FABIANA . . . Yes, I do.
NORMAN What is it?
FABIANA What if Sidney tells your mother to give me the money?
NORMAN What are you talking about?
FABIANA Listen to me . . . She thinks Diego is Sidney, so we have Diego tell her as Sidney.
NORMAN That’s crazy.
FABIANA Why? We just have “Sidney” pay her a little visit tonight.
NORMAN Oh, it’s impossible. Even if I agreed to it, what about Diego? He would never do it and he couldn’t do it.
FABIANA Of course he could. Sidney and Diego spent a lot of time together. Diego can imitate everybody. He even does Ben Affleck from “The Town” with the Boston accent.
NORMAN He does Ben Affleck from “The Town”?
FABIANA He does Ben Affleck and he does a perfect Sidney voice.
NORMAN And he would come here and do that?
FABIANA Of course.
NORMAN Interesting.
FABIANA Yes it is.
Gloria wearily reenters.
GLORIA First the Oriole and then he appears at the door. I’m not crazy, Norman. I’m not crazy . . . Pick up some biscuits tomorrow. (she returns to her bedroom)
Norman turns back to Fabiana, seeing her in a new light.
NORMAN How soon can he get here?
Blackout
Scene 3
Gloria’s bedroom. It’s 3 a.m. and she’s sound asleep. The window is open. It’s a rainy night and we hear a crack of thunder, followed by a flash of lightning, which casts a supernatural glow on the room, and reveals Diego, who’s sitting on a chair next to her bed, wearing Sidney’s old army uniform.
DIEGO (whispers singsongy, à la Sidney) Gloria . . . Glor-i-a . . .
No response.
Gloria—Gloria!
She stirs.
GLORIA . . . Sidney?
DIEGO Yes, it’s me, my darling.
GLORIA Oh. I knew that was you earlier. What are you doing here so late? You have to pop in? You could’ve given me a heart attack.
DIEGO Next time I’ll text!
GLORIA So . . . you’re dead.
DIEGO I’m dead.
GLORIA How is it?
DIEGO Honestly, if I knew I was going to feel this good, I would’ve killed myself years ago.
GLORIA Really.
DIEGO Oh yeah. And if I had to quibble—and I don’t have to, no one’s holding a gun to my head, saying, “Quibble!”—It’s a little too bright. No nighttime. It’s like Norway in the summer. So if you don’t like bright, this is not the place for you.
GLORIA You look very handsome in your uniform.
DIEGO (lapsing into normal voice) Thank you. (realizing, clears throat) I mean . . . thank you.
GLORIA So when I die, am I also going to be nineteen?
DIEGO You don’t know until you get here. Some people are ten, others eighty. I got lucky . . . Look, Gloria, I don’t have much time. We have a few things to discuss.
GLORIA Like what?
DIEGO I want you to give some money to a few people.
GLORIA What people?
DIEGO Well . . . our housekeeper, Fabiana, for one.
GLORIA Fabiana? Why the hell do you want me to give her money? She hasn’t worked for us in ten years . . . And she’s a real pain in the ass, that one. Very fresh.
DIEGO Well it’s not an easy job. Maybe she wanted to do other things, but never had the opportunity.
GLORIA Oh I’m so sorry if the housekeeping got in the way of her being an engineer.
DIEGO . . . Anyway, I want you to go see Jay Leventhal. I’d like to give her thirty thousand a year. I left you plenty . . . It doesn’t matter.
GLORIA Are you out of your mind? What is this? You die and suddenly you’re a big sport?
DIEGO Look, her kid wants to go to college and medical school.
GLORIA If that kid’s a doctor, I’m a pirate . . .
DIEGO Gloria.
GLORIA If you really want me to, I’ll do it.
DIEGO Don’t forget to get it in writing, just in case.
GLORIA
Are you sure about this?
DIEGO Just do it, Gloria!
GLORIA Okay . . . Oh, before I forget, did you tell Harry when you were in the hospital that he could have your Rolex?
DIEGO (confused) . . . Yes. I did.
GLORIA That’s so unlike you.
DIEGO Well, I was dying. A momentary lapse . . . Anyway, I’d better get to my heaven meeting. They penalize you. You know, because I’m new.
She pulls back the covers, making room for him.
GLORIA Come here. Relax a little. You went through a death. That must be exhausting.
DIEGO I’m not tired. I feel like I’m nineteen.
GLORIA I know.
She grabs his hand, pulls him down onto the bed.
Come here, Sidney.
DIEGO What are you doing?
GLORIA (all over him) Oh, Sidney . . . My God. Oh Sidney.
DIEGO (trying to get her off) Gloria . . . Gloria.
GLORIA Oh my God. Look at you. Look at you.
She smothers him with kisses. Diego continues to protest, but to no avail.
Blackout
Scene 4
Norman’s kitchen, the next morning. Gloria enters with a heretofore unseen bounce in her step. The romp with young Sidney has transformed her.
GLORIA (singing from “My Fair Lady”) Bed, bed, I couldn’t go to bed . . .
Norman enters.
My head’s too light to try to set it down!
NORMAN Good morning!
GLORIA (still singing) Sleep, sleep, I couldn’t sleep tonight. Not for all the jewels in the crown . . .
NORMAN Well aren’t you the merry widow.
GLORIA Norman, I’ve been doing some thinking.
NORMAN Yes.
GLORIA And I’ve decided that I want to give Fabiana some money.
NORMAN Mother . . . ? Mother! My God, that’s so generous of you.
GLORIA Yes, isn’t it? Quite remarkable. It feels good. It happens to feel very good.
NORMAN I bet it does.
GLORIA Remember how Scrooge felt when he changed at the end? Kind of like that. But don’t get me wrong, I’m no Scrooge.
NORMAN But this is wonderful. Look at you—you’re smiling! I don’t think I’ve ever seen your teeth before. You happen to have nice teeth. Did you know that?
GLORIA One of my best features . . . Anyway, I’m off. I’m going to the bank, followed by a little shopping.
NORMAN What are you going to get?
