by Larry David
GLORIA Oh some . . . underpinnings.
NORMAN Underpinnings?
GLORIA Just some lady stuff.
Fabiana enters cheerfully, holding a bag.
FABIANA I got biscuits!
GLORIA Thank you, Fabiana.
FABIANA And they have cinnamon on them.
GLORIA Cinnamon biscuits! Where did you find that?
FABIANA I made them! Take a bite.
GLORIA (trying one) Mmm . . . out of this world!
She exits to her bedroom, humming “I Could’ve Danced All Night”. As soon as the bedroom door closes, Norman breaks into My Fair Lady’s “Tonight, Old Boy, You Did It”.
NORMAN (singing, while sharing a celebratory victory dance with Fabiana) Tonight, old man, you did it! You did it! You did it! You said that you would do it and, indeed, you did!
FABIANA Thank you!
NORMAN Boy, you’re right about Diego! That kid’s something.
FABIANA I told you . . . Mr. Drexel, my friend says I should get everything in writing as soon as possible. Your mother’s old. What if something happens?
NORMAN Nothing is going to happen. I’ll take care of it Monday.
FABIANA No, do it today!
Gloria reenters from the bedroom with her purse and the Rolex.
GLORIA Oh, FYI, your dad really did tell Harry he could have the Rolex.
NORMAN Oh, FYI? He didn’t. Okay?
GLORIA He did.
NORMAN (emphatic) Mom . . . he didn’t.
GLORIA Norman, trust me, okay? I know.
NORMAN No you don’t know. First off, Dad promised me that watch.
GLORIA Nope, he gave it to Harry. Anyway, I’m going there now to drop it off.
NORMAN No you’re not! It’s mine! Give me that!
Brenda and Natalie enter. They observe Gloria and Norman fighting over the watch for a few beats. Then:
BRENDA What did you do?!
NORMAN What?
NATALIE (as cockney Eliza the entire scene) Greg and I had a ’uge row! I moved out!
NORMAN Can you talk normal please?
NATALIE When ’e ask you for your blessin’, you tol’ ’im you dint want us gettin’ married! I said it didn’t matter, but by then, ’e realized that this family is nothin’ but a bunch of bloomin’ idiots and dint wan’ anything to do with the likes’o me! Why would you do that?
NORMAN It was a joke!
NATALIE (looking to Brenda for help) Mum!
BRENDA A joke?!
NORMAN I was just getting back at him.
NATALIE Gettin’ back at ’im for what?
NORMAN For telling me to tip the doctor.
BRENDA What?!
NORMAN He told me to tip the doctor.
NATALIE Tip the doctor?
BRENDA Who tips the doctor?
NORMAN No one tips the doctor.
BRENDA Did you tip the doctor?
NORMAN No, but I tried.
BRENDA (incredulous) You tried to tip the doctor?
NATALIE ’Cause Greg tol’ you to?
NORMAN I didn’t want to shirk my tipping responsibilities! You know how anxious I am about missing tips. I’m so sorry! Let me call him.
BRENDA You’ve done enough.
NATALIE It’s over. (she storms out)
BRENDA (to Norman) You’ve really raised your stupidity bar . . . Which was already set pretty high.
GLORIA Don’t you call my son stupid!
BRENDA You call him stupid all the time!
GLORIA I’m allowed to! You can leave.
BRENDA It’s my house!
GLORIA We paid for it!
BRENDA We paid you back!
GLORIA Half!
BRENDA (to Norman) Half?
Norman shrugs.
Unbelievable!
Gloria notices the blank space on the wall and pauses in front of it.
GLORIA . . . Where’s my painting?
BRENDA It’s on loan to the Met. (she leaves.)
GLORIA What the hell is wrong with you? You tried to tip the doctor?
Norman shrugs.
Okay, I’ll see you later. What do you want for dinner? I’m cooking . . .
NORMAN Surprise me.
GLORIA Will do. Buenos dias, Fabiana!
FABIANA Buenos dias!
GLORIA Buenos dias, Norman!
NORMAN Buenos dias, mi madre.
Gloria exits. Norman groans.
FABIANA I wish there was something I could do for you, Mr. Drexel.
NORMAN There isn’t. I just want my life back. (he heads to his bedroom and closes the door)
A few beats and he enthusiastically reemerges, raising his pointer finger with an idea.
Blackout
Scene 5
Norman’s great room. It’s a little after midnight. There’s a tap on the front door. Norman emerges from his bedroom in nightclothes and crosses to answer it. Diego’s back, in uniform.
NORMAN Hey, Pops.
DIEGO (glumly) Hi.
NORMAN What’s wrong?
DIEGO Do I really have to do this?
NORMAN Yeah. What’s the big deal? Just do what you did last night.
DIEGO (contemplating) Yeah . . . Is there no other way?
NORMAN If you knew my situation you’d understand. All you have to do is go in there and tell my mother that she’s in the wrong house. She’s supposed to be at Arthur’s. Got it?
DIEGO Yeah.
NORMAN Speaking of last night, that was incredible what you did. I don’t think it’s an overstatement to say that you’ll remember what happened in there for the rest of your life. Not a day will go by that you won’t think of it as a truly magical experience. Now get in there and do your thing.
Diego heads toward Gloria’s room.
Hey.
Diego turns back to Norman, who salutes him. With that, Diego trudges off into Gloria’s room.
So long Ma! It’s been swell having you!
He picks up the phone, dials, and waits.
Buona sera. Do you deliver? . . . Fantastic! All right, I’d like a big, big order of meatballs and spaghetti with plenty of gluten. And how about a tiramisu for dessert? Do we love that? And what the hell. A bottle of Chianti . . . I’m celebrating. My mother’s moving out—knock on wood . . . You got any wood over there? Give it a couple of taps . . . Hey, let me ask you a question. Is it walk the walk, talk the talk, or walk the talk? . . . Oh, I completely disagree . . . Okay, it’s 212 8th Street . . . Drexel . . . Thanks. See you soon. Arrivederci! (he hangs up the phone, then walks into the kitchen)
DIEGO (O.S. screaming) Gloria! Gloria! (he comes running out in his underwear) Oh my god! Something’s wrong! Something’s wrong!
NORMAN What the fuck?!
DIEGO Something happened. Call an ambulance!
NORMAN What happened?! Why are you in your underwear?!
DIEGO (unable to come up with anything) Because . . .
NORMAN Because . . . ?
DIEGO Because . . .
NORMAN Because . . . ? Because . . . ?
DIEGO (spitting it out) Because I FUCKED her!
NORMAN You what?!
DIEGO I fucked her!
NORMAN You fucked my mother?!!!
DIEGO Yes!
NORMAN Why?!!
DIEGO She wanted me to! I didn’t want to. Call 911. I think she had a stroke.
NORMAN Are you insane? (dialing the phone) . . . Hello . . . Yes, I need an ambulance. 212 8th Street . . . I don’t know. Sex-induced stroke? (he hangs up) You fucked my mother?!
DIEGO I’m sorry.
NORMAN Should we go in there?
DIEGO No! She’s out! Don’t go in there!
N
ORMAN I have to!
He heads toward the bedroom.
DIEGO Norman, don’t!
Norman opens the door and quickly slams it shut, screaming as if he’s trying to erase the vision from his mind.
NORMAN She’s naked! She’s completely naked! Oh that’s disturbing . . . I didn’t want to see that!
DIEGO I told you not to go in!
NORMAN You couldn’t cover her up?!
DIEGO I’m sorry! I panicked!
NORMAN . . . Is she dead?
DIEGO I don’t think so.
NORMAN Did you tell her you wanted her to live with Arthur?
DIEGO Never got to it.
NORMAN Oh, you never got to it? Never got to it?! You were too busy, no doubt? What the hell happened?
DIEGO I can’t tell you! It’ll haunt you for the rest of your life.
NORMAN You think what I just saw isn’t going to haunt me? . . . I gotta make a call . . .
Blackout
Norman picks up the phone and dials. Lights out on Norman’s living room.
Then, over a darkened stage:
NORMAN Yes, hello! there’s been an emergency! Something happened to my mother . . . I think she had a stroke and the ambulance is coming, so I have to cancel my order . . . What do you mean you’re going to charge me? . . . All right, well I’m not going to pay for the tiramisu . . . Nobody touched it . . . Did you knock on wood, by the way? . . . Yeah, I didn’t think so. This is all your fault.
Scene 6
The same hospital lounge from Act 1. Norman is sitting on the couch, waiting. After a few beats, the elevator doors open and Fabiana steps out. Norman is surprised to see her.
NORMAN What are you doing?
FABIANA What am I doing? I want to know what’s going on and I’m not leaving until I find out!
NORMAN I don’t know. I haven’t spoken to the doctor yet. He’s in there with her now.
FABIANA Oh, this is so upsetting. This has been very hard on Diego.
NORMAN Oh, it’s been hard on Diego . . .
FABIANA Don’t blame Diego for this! You’re the one who made him come back! He didn’t know he was going to have chingando with your mother!
NORMAN He told you?!
FABIANA Of course. He tells me everything. We’re very close.
NORMAN What kind of son did you raise who has sex with the elderly? What is he, sick?
FABIANA No, he’s not sick! He’s nineteen. That’s what they do!
NORMAN I didn’t jump geriatrics when I was nineteen!
Doctor Meyers exits Gloria’s room.
NORMAN Hey, Dr. Meyers . . . This is my housekeeper, Fabiana . . .
FABIANA Hello. Nice to meet you.
DR. MEYERS How do you do?
NORMAN So what’s going on?
DR. MEYERS Well, we suspect she had a ventricular tachycardia.
FABIANA A what?
DR. MEYERS It’s an arrhythmia, where the heart is vibrating like jello and blood doesn’t get to the brain.
NORMAN Vibrating like jello.
DR. MEYERS I expect her to regain consciousness, but the truth is, it’s not a certainty.
NORMAN What would you say the odds are?
DR. MEYERS Fifty-fifty.
NORMAN Hmm . . . Okay.
DR. MEYERS I just wonder what could’ve triggered it. She doesn’t have a cardiac history, so it must’ve been some pretty unusual event. Can you think of anything that might have provoked it?
NORMAN No, I can’t think of anything.
DR. MEYERS Okay. Well, we’ll just continue to monitor the situation.
NORMAN Great. Thanks a lot.
A few beats, as Dr. Meyers waits, much like a bellman before leaving a hotel room. Norman is befuddled, then finally removes some bills from his pocket.
There you go.
DR. MEYERS (takes the money) Thanks so much. (he exits)
FABIANA Not a certainty? What if she doesn’t wake up? Then I’m out of luck!
NORMAN You’re out of luck? What about her? . . . What if we’ve killed her?
FABIANA We?! You! You!
NORMAN You! The whole Diego/Sidney thing was your idea. “He’ll be Sidney! He’ll be Sidney!”
FABIANA . . . Oh Sidney . . . If only Sidney were here.
Unbeknownst to Norman and Fabiana, the elevator doors open and Diego steps out.
DIEGO Hey. How’s she doing? Is she still unconscious?
Norman and Fabiana turn and see Diego.
NORMAN Sidney!
He and Fabiana rush over to Diego, who immediately presses the elevator button and runs back inside, but Norman catches him in time and pulls him out.
DIEGO . . . No! No!
Fabiana blocks the elevator door.
NORMAN All you gotta do—and you’re the only one who can do it—is go in there and tell my mother that it’s not her time.
DIEGO No, please! Don’t make me! I can’t! Please! Please! Please! (he looks to Fabiana for help)
FABIANA I can’t help you, kid.
Diego finally concedes and allows Norman to walk him to Gloria’s door.
NORMAN . . . And after you wake her, try to control yourself.
As Diego dejectedly enters Gloria’s room, Norman takes out his phone.
You know what I’m going to do for you? I’m gonna get the lawyer, Jay Leventhal. We’ll work it out right now.
FABIANA Oh, that’s so nice of you, Mr. Drexel.
NORMAN (as he texts) You know, Fabiana, for the last ten years you’ve been calling me Mr. Drescoll. That’s not my name. It’s Drexel.
FABIANA That’s what I’m saying.
NORMAN Nope, not even close. You’re saying Drescoll. It’s DREX-el. Drexel . . . What’s my name?
FABIANA Norman.
The elevator doors open and Uncle Stewie hurries out, holding a bouquet of flowers. Norman intercepts, stepping between him and Gloria’s room.
STEWIE I came as soon as I heard!
NORMAN Uncle Stewie! What are you doing?
STEWIE Marty Simon told me he saw you coming into the hospital. First one, then the other? I can’t believe it.
NORMAN (with rising anxiety) You can’t be here! Anyway, someone’s in there.
STEWIE Who? Harry?! Again?! I’m going in!
NORMAN No, you can’t!
STEWIE Fuck him! Once is enough, Norman! It’s not fair!
NORMAN It’s not him!
Stewie tries to shove Norman aside. They grapple. Norman forces him back toward the elevator. Fabiana pushes the elevator button, then goes inside to hold the door open.
STEWIE I don’t want to hurt you, Norman!
NORMAN It’s not a good time!
He finally shoves Stewie in and Fabiana pushes the button to close the doors.
FABIANA (to Stewie, as the doors begin to close) Are you okay?
STEWIE No.
The doors close and Stewie and Fabiana are gone. Norman breathes a sigh of relief. A few beats, before the elevator doors open again, revealing Jay and Michelle.
NORMAN Oh my god . . .
MICHELLE Hello.
JAY You guys know each other. I needed a notary.
NORMAN Right! Of course. Were you already here in the hospital?
JAY Unfortunately. Where’s your mother?
NORMAN She’s not awake yet, but it’s imminent.
JAY All right. I’ve got someone else on this floor. I’ll be right back.
He leaves down the hallway. Michelle takes a seat on the couch. Norman paces, looking anxiously toward Gloria’s room.
MICHELLE So is this considered a date?
NORMAN Well I haven’t showered, shaved, or gargled, so I don’t think so.
MICHELLE Does yo
ur brother know you called me?
NORMAN No. I asked him if he minded and he said he did . . .
MICHELLE Did he tell you why he stopped seeing me?
NORMAN Yes.
MICHELLE I don’t know what his problem is. It didn’t seem like it was that big of a deal. How did you feel about it?
NORMAN I thought it was—and I’ve never used this word before—hot.
Michelle smiles. He’s transfixed.
In fact, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. (then he goes for the boob)
MICHELLE What are you doing?! (she slaps his hand away)
NORMAN Not okay?
MICHELLE Not okay! You can’t just do that!
NORMAN My father did.
MICHELLE Well he was dying!
NORMAN . . . I’ve been married. Same thing!
Fabiana steps out of the elevator, just as Diego emerges from Gloria’s room. Michelle heads to the elevator and exits.
DIEGO She’s up.
Norman and Fabiana shower Diego with praise.
NORMAN Oh my God! Good going! That’s fantastic!
FABIANA I’m so proud of you!
Just as Jay returns, Norman notices Michelle in the elevator.
NORMAN I’m sorry! I’m sorry!
The elevator doors close.
FABIANA What happened?
NORMAN The notary left.
FABIANA Why?
NORMAN I touched her teta.
FABIANA Right here? In the hospital?!
NORMAN Right here in the hospital.
FABIANA You know what you need, Norman? A life coach. (she pushes the elevator button) And more importantly, you gotta get your wife back.
She and Diego enter the elevator. As the doors close:
. . . And we’re out of laundry detergent.
JAY . . . What the hell?
NORMAN I couldn’t help it. I was possessed.
JAY Hey, everybody is. She’s worked for me for twelve years. It’s not easy.
NORMAN I can imagine.
JAY So . . . how’d it feel?
NORMAN Pretty good. Pretty . . . pretty . . . pretty . . . pretty good.
JAY Well what do you want to do now?
NORMAN As soon as she gets out of here, first chance I get, I’ll bring her to the office.
JAY (standing up to leave) All right.
NORMAN Hey . . . You’re divorced, right?
JAY Yes, but I’d like to get married again someday.
NORMAN You would?
JAY Sure . . . I don’t want to die alone. I want to live alone, I just don’t want to die alone.
