Fish in the Dark

by Larry David

  NORMAN Right. Although my father just died with ten people around him and I think he might’ve been better off alone.

  JAY (while getting on the elevator) Well, maybe with your family . . .

  Doors close.

  NORMAN Yeah . . . maybe with my family . . .

  He ponders this, lost in thought, as the lights go down on the lounge. Lights up on Gloria’s hospital room. Gloria is in bed, as the Nurse tends to her.

  NURSE You’re doing much better, Mrs. Drexel.

  GLORIA Thank you. You’ve been very helpful . . . Do you wear you hair like that all the time or just for work?

  NURSE No, this is how I wear it.

  GLORIA I see you’re not married. You might want to think about the hair.

  Norman enters.

  NORMAN Hey, Mom.

  GLORIA Norman.

  NORMAN How are you feeling?

  GLORIA Surprisingly well. Where’s Brenda?

  NORMAN I wish I knew.

  The Nurse exits, as Natalie and Greg enter.

  NATALIE Hi, Grandma!

  GREG Hey, Mrs. Drexel. Hey, Norman.

  NORMAN Hey, look at this! You made up?

  NATALIE We made up.

  NORMAN And you’re talking like your old self again.

  NATALIE My friends had a Facetime intervention.

  GREG Hey, Norman. I’m so sorry about all this . . . but my Dad really does tip doctors.

  NORMAN You know what? I’m sorry, because I just tipped one ten minutes ago.

  GREG You see!

  He hugs Norman.

  NORMAN (mid-hug) Not necessary.

  There’s a knock on the door. It’s Stewie, Rose, and Harry, who has bruises and bandages on his face. His left arm is in a sling.

  ROSE Gloria!

  NORMAN What the hell?

  ROSE These hoodlums beat him up and took his Rolex!

  NORMAN How did that happen?

  ROSE Because he was asking for it, showing the watch off to strangers in the parking lot.

  HARRY I wasn’t showing it off!

  ROSE Idiot. If it wasn’t for Stewie here, he could’ve been killed. Stewie jumped in and they ran away. But they got the Rolex.

  STEWIE To tell you the truth, I didn’t even know who it was.

  HARRY So if you’d known it was me, you would’ve let me get beat up?

  STEWIE If I’d known it was you, I would’ve helped them.

  NORMAN (looking at his phone) Oh my God.

  NATALIE What is it?

  NORMAN I just got an email from Jessica. It’s to me and Arthur.

  NATALIE What does it say?

  NORMAN (reading aloud) Dear Daddy and Uncle Norman, I’m writing to express my profound sorrow and disappointment about what’s happened to our family in the wake of Grandpa’s death . . .

  Norman notices Arthur entering and pauses.

  Arthur, holding flowers in one hand and his cell phone in the other, is also engrossed in Jessica’s email. Norman and Arthur lock eyes for a moment. Then Norman continues:

  NORMAN (still reading) . . . Most tragedies bring families closer together, but not ours. All we do is fight, and the two of you are the worst offenders. No one’s immune from your fallout. Even I got dragged into it. It’s not right for brothers to treat each other the way you do.

  I’m sure Grandpa would be heartbroken. I know I am . . . Gandhi once said, “You cannot shake hands with a closed fist.” I hope you’ll both think about that. Please kiss Grandma for me. Love, Jessica.

  There’s an uncomfortable silence, as Norman contemplates the egg on his face.

  Well then . . . If you people will excuse me, I’m going to jump out the window.

  ARTHUR Would you mind if I landed on top of you?

  NORMAN (checking out his fist) I wonder how Gandhi would’ve felt about the fist bump.

  ARTHUR (also making a fist) It’s a closed fist, yet it’s still a shake of sorts.

  NORMAN Interesting.

  ARTHUR Maybe Gandhi got it wrong.

  Then, finally succumbing to their better angels, they bump fists.

  ARTHUR (derisively) Gandhi . . .

  NORMAN What the hell did he know . . .

  Brenda enters, wearing an argyle scarf.

  NATALIE Hi, Mom.

  GLORIA (noticing Brenda) Brenda . . . Is that the scarf?

  BRENDA (approaching the bed) It is.

  GLORIA It looks lovely on you.

  BRENDA Thank you.

  NORMAN (also approaching the bed) Ma, I’ve got something to tell you. I’m really glad you’re okay, but, alas . . . you’re going to have to move out. I hope you understand.

  GLORIA Of course I understand. (laying it on) I have a cousin in Virginia. She’s a raging alcoholic. Maybe she’ll take me in. Or I’ll go to one of those nursing homes.

  ROSE We would take you, but we have a dog.

  NORMAN (gesturing to Brenda) Okay, Stewie. Go ahead.

  STEWIE What?

  NORMAN Tell her you’re sorry.

  STEWIE For what?

  NORMAN You know what. Go ahead.

  STEWIE . . . Brenda, I’m really sorry I called you a cunt.

  BRENDA Thank you, Stewie. I appreciate that.

  STEWIE But I still don’t know why they didn’t have meatballs and spaghetti in that place. It’s ridiculous!

  Adlibs from all, weighing in on this. Brenda approaches Norman. All is well.

  ARTHUR Mom, I almost forgot. (he hands her the flowers)

  GLORIA Oooh, Arthur. Flowers. Beautiful.

  NORMAN Really? You used to find flowers depressing. You said they die in two days and that’s the end of them.

  GLORIA I’ll enjoy them while they last.

  ARTHUR Okay, people, hear me out. As many of you know, I’m a jerk.

  Murmured adlibs of agreement from all, ending with:

  ROSE . . . Ever since you were a little kid.

  ARTHUR Fortunately, I have people around who aren’t afraid to tell me. It’s not true about how it takes a big man to admit a mistake. Small men can do it too. I’m going to make this easy on everybody . . . Mom, I want you to come live with me.

  More collective adlibs, this time of approval, except from a sour Norman.

  GLORIA You’re serious?

  ARTHUR Never been more serious in my life.

  GLORIA That’s so sweet of you, Arthur.

  NORMAN Yes, that is very sweet of you, Toro, but the thing is . . . she’s kind of already in my house. She’d have to move. Thanks—very sweet gesture, it means a lot—but we’re good.

  ARTHUR Normal, how hard is it to move? I drive up in the van, throw a couple of suitcases in it, and we’re off.

  NORMAN I know, but Dad said he wanted me to take care of her.

  ARTHUR No, actually, he didn’t. He asked me.

  NORMAN Uh-uh, he was looking right at me!

  ARTHUR Baloney.

  NORMAN Baloney? No, I’ve thought about this a lot . . . I remember the moment. He was looking at me.

  ARTHUR You’re wrong, Norman. It was me.

  NORMAN No, no. It was me.

  ARTHUR Let’s ask Mom.

  NORMAN Okay, let’s ask Mom. Mom . . . ?

  GLORIA . . . Not sure. But I can find out. Next time Diego stops by, I’ll ask him.

  ROSE Diego? Who’s Diego?

  BRENDA Yeah, who’s Diego?

  GLORIA A dear friend . . . A very dear friend.

  Curtain

  END OF PLAY.

 

 

 
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