Ethan sat and gazed at her. “You look incredibly beautiful. I’ve missed you.”
Sarah felt heat move into her cheeks, meeting his narrowing gray eyes. “Your poem—it was wonderful. I sat there this morning and cried because it was so unbelievably sincere. I knew it was your heart speaking to me.” She forced herself to pick up her utensils and eat. Just looking at that well-shaped mouth of his, sent her body on alert. Remembering.
“I don’t have any more written,” Ethan apologized, cutting the roast on his tray. “What did you get out of the poem?” He held her moist gaze. Sarah, he was discovering, was easily touched. But a woman’s heart and soul were wired differently than a man’s, and it was something he had always appreciated.
“It’s as if you took one look at me and knew I was trying to hide. Trying to not be noticed. That you felt I should come out of that hiding and bloom, be myself no matter what anyone else thought.”
Ethan shook his head. “Damn, you’re good,” he praised. “Bingo. I wrote the poem after that first day I saw you in the canteen. I could feel you hiding.” And then his voice softened. “But now I know why.” She still was to a degree.
“It’s in the past.” She shrugged.
Ethan said nothing, knowing Sarah’s past still haunted her. He marveled at how fearless she was as a pilot.
Unstoppable. To look at her classic face, to fall into the depths of her blue eyes—she moved every particle in his hard, aching body to vibrant, throbbing life. “There are so many sides to you,” he said, taking a drink of his water. “I find myself lying awake at night on my cot wondering what you did as a child that made you laugh. What fascinated you? What got your attention?”
She smiled a little, carried on the caress of his low voice. Sarah recognized the smoky-gray color of his eyes and knew what it meant. Ethan wanted to love her. And how her body was blazingly pleading with him to do just that. “I love butterflies,” she admitted softly, picking at her salad with her fork. “And rainbows…. I like to go for a walk in a soft rain and feel the drops on my face. I feel like the sky is washing anything dirty or sad around me away.”
When she looked up, Sarah saw the serious expression on Ethan’s face, as if he were memorizing her words and placing them in his heart. “What about you?”
Ethan raised his brows. “Riding a horse at full gallop over the hills, the wind cutting against my face, feeling the horse flying under me.” He dabbled with his corn, staring down at it, feeling her warmth and attention. Those beautiful blue eyes, so filled with awe. And there was undeniable life in their depths now. He understood loving Sarah had, in some small way, released her from the dark chain from the past that had held her prisoner for God knew how long. But it also raised the whole issue. Understanding he could continue to love her, open Sarah up to the wonders of a man fully loving his woman as equal and partner, would allow her to come from beneath the shadows she’d hidden beneath all her life. And Ethan wanted to be the man to trigger those changes in her, to give her the freedom that she so richly deserved. But would she let him?
“That sounds wonderful…the freedom,” Sarah admitted, carried away by his words and descriptions. “Tell me more. What else makes you happy, Ethan?”
Just the way his name rolled off her lips sent an incredible fire from his heart straight down to his tightening body. Damn good thing he had on bulky cammies. Looking up at Sarah, he realized she didn’t understand her impact on him.
“I like walking out in the middle of a hellacious thunderstorm,” Ethan admitted. “It would drive my parents crazy because they’d always think I’d get struck by lightning, but I never did. I just reveled in the awesome, natural power of the clouds, wind and rain swirling around me. I could feel the wind gut punch me, the rain tear through my hair as I ran, the sweet smell of dried earth being drenched with life-giving water.”
“You like chaos.”
Ethan chuckled a little. “I suppose I do.” And then he grinned. “SEALs own chaos. SEALs are chaos in action. It’s what we’re trained for—the unexpected and dealing with it.”
Sarah finished off her main course and moved to her buttered peas and small, dainty onions. “I’m chaos, too.” A dark, ugly storm that lived within her. It scared her that someday Ethan would see that part of her. And he would walk away.
“You are,” Ethan agreed, his voice turning low with feeling. “You’re an amazing thunderstorm in your own right, with incredible downdrafts of pleasure and then violent updrafts of flying loose and free. The sky isn’t even your limit.”
Her heart wobbled with fear, saturated with emotions she’d never experienced before. Sarah set her flatware down, feeling tears leak out of her eyes. “You even speak in poetry, Ethan. My God. I can’t hardly stand it because your words, the pictures you see in me…”
It took every bit of his control not to reach over and touch Sarah’s flushed cheek at that moment. Her lower lip quivered, and Ethan saw his words touch her as surely as he’d drawn her in his arms and kissed her. “I want you to know just how incredible you are as a woman.” His eyes became hooded as he held her gaze. “Every second I can find in my day is devoted to you, discovering who you really are. I see you. But you don’t see yourself.” His voice dropped to an intimate growl. “I’m going to watch you open up, grow, gain confidence in yourself as a woman. It’s a tough task,” he teased her gently. “And I want to do it.” Because I’m falling in love with you. Ethan ached to whisper those words to Sarah, but it was far too soon. He felt an urgency to tell her because he knew a SEAL’s last breath could be one bullet away. One RPG away. One helicopter crash away. They were not afforded the luxury of time, but his intuition told him to wait and continue to be patient.
Sarah sat there, wrapped in his warmth. She saw it in the tender expression of his face, felt it in the huskiness of his voice. She shook her head. “You’re a dream, Ethan. I swear, you’re a dream I’ve concocted because I couldn’t stand the pressure of being looked at by hundreds of men every day.”
“I’m real, and you know it.” Ethan gave her a heated look. “We’re good for each other. And I’m no mirage. It doesn’t get any more real than the night we spent at the villa, does it?”
Straightening, Sarah whispered, “That was the most wonderful real I’ve ever experienced, Ethan. You know that.”
“Then hold that night close to your heart, Sarah.” Ethan grimaced and looked around the small, quiet room. “I find myself wishing we’d met so many other places or at another time.” He shared a frustrated look with her. “Why now? Worst place on earth to try and start a relationship. Don’t you think?”
“We live in chaos, Ethan. That’s what we’ve chosen for our careers. I worry about that.”
“You have to have faith.”
“I had to have that,” Sarah answered, her voice turning bitter. The memories started to return and she pushed them away, focused on the present. Focus on Ethan, who was a ruggedly handsome warrior. And he liked her.
Did he feel what she felt? Sarah wanted to share her feelings with him, but she hesitated. What they’d found in one another was life giving. But fate could cruelly take it away from them in a heartbeat, too. Sarah pressed her lips together to hold the secret in her heart.
“You got the investigation summons?” Ethan asked her. Sarah’s eyes went dark.
“Yes. You, too?”
“Yes.” He saw fear in her eyes and knew she was thinking about what might have happened to her. “How can I support you?”
The question startled her. No one had ever asked her something li
ke that. But the seriousness in Ethan’s eyes, the set of his mouth, told Sarah he had her back.
“You’ve done so much already,” she said, finishing her food and setting the tray aside. “I need to go, Ethan. This was a nice place to meet. Thank you.”
She felt such a rush of anxiety, it made her stomach feel icy. It became apparent that the more she remained with Ethan, the more she knew she had to break it off. This was all just too much.
“The galley chief owed me a favor. Can’t do it often, but tonight…” Ethan ached to kiss Sarah’s soft mouth, to feel her lush body against his.
Glancing at her watch, she said apologetically, “I really have to go.”
Ethan stood. “Just leave the trays. The guys will come by and pick them up. Follow me?”
Sarah gave him a quizzical look. “Are we going out front?” Out to all those male eyes following her.
“No, we’re going into SEAL stealth mode.” Ethan grinned. “Trust me.”
“With my life.”
Ethan opened the door and stepped out, looking up and down the empty hall. He caught Sarah’s small hand for just a moment and said, “This way.”
Her heart beat a little harder in her breast as he moved quickly and silently, like the shadow he was, down the empty hall. Abruptly, he turned right. He opened a door and slipped through it. He turned, holding out his hand to her. She took it, feeling his strong fingers wrap around hers, sending electric tingles up her hand and arm.
As Ethan drew her into the room, Sarah noticed they were in the maintenance room, where all the machinery, the air-conditioning, plumbing and pipes were located. A hungry look filled Ethan’s eyes as he turned and locked the door behind them. They were alone. She met his burning look. Though she wanted to run, she was anchored. Ethan was going to kiss her. How badly she wanted it. One last kiss. A goodbye kiss. Without a word, Sarah walked into his opening arms and felt his mouth press hotly against hers.
She relaxed in Ethan’s arms, surrendering to him. Sliding her hands up across his broad shoulders, Sarah strained, wanting to be closer, wanting him inside her. Wanting the pleasure he had given her before. Ethan’s breath was uneven as he opened her mouth, moving his tongue against hers, teasing her, asking her to dance with him. His hand ranged down across her back, coming to rest on her hip, hauling her tightly against him.
She moaned, feeling how hard he was, pressing into her belly, her womb tightening with an ache that dived down between her thighs and made her go weak with need.
Sarah couldn’t get enough of his mouth, how he possessed her, rocked her lips open, tasted her, shared his breath with her. Ethan was making her ache so much she wanted to cry for relief. As he cupped her face, drinking of her mouth, giving everything he had to her, Sarah quivered in the face of his incredible energy, his protection, flowing through her.
Finally, as Ethan eased from her mouth, giving her lower lip soft nips and then moving his tongue across it, Sarah opened her eyes to stare into his narrowed, stormy gray ones that held her a willing captive. She inhaled his male scent, the sunlight on his flesh, the heat of his skin. She never wanted this moment to end.
Sliding his fingers through her loose, dark hair, Ethan shook his head. “You make me burn. I want you so damned badly I can’t think, Sarah.” He brushed his mouth against her cheek, feeling the soft velvet of her skin, inhaling her scent. Sarah was so damned exotic. Those blue eyes of hers would melt a glacier in ten seconds flat, no problem. He bussed her cheek, nuzzled into her temple, her hair tickling his face.
The unexpected kiss only tormented Sarah more. Ethan was like sunlight to her dark world. He shed light into her, filling her with radiance, with hope. Her throat constricted, her voice coming out strained. “We need to talk—”
“Listen,” Ethan rasped, his hands sliding around her waist, pinning her lower body hotly against his own. “We’ve got a long-range patrol, several of them, coming up in a week. I’ll be gone. I don’t know how long, Sarah, but just hold good thoughts for me. I won’t be able to contact you.” He flexed his mouth. “Not as much as I want to, but where we’re going, comms is going to be sporadic at best.”
The hair on the back of her neck rose. Sarah frowned, sensing this mission was dangerous. But which one wasn’t? “Will your patrol take precedence over this summons?”
“I don’t know yet. My LPO is trying to find out. This particular mission is based upon perishable intelligence. It won’t wait. I think he’s trying to get the court-martial board to give us a waiver. When the mission’s complete, I can fly into Bagram and be interviewed.” Ethan gave her a sad look. “So, maybe that villa will have to wait.”
Sarah was even more confused. Ethan was going into danger. She cared so damn much for him, but at the same time, she felt pulled between that and her own terror over their budding relationship. “We have to talk,” she said more firmly, pulling out of his arms. Wincing when she saw the sudden puzzlement come to his gray eyes, Sarah had to step back, against the wall. “I—I can’t do this, Ethan.”
“What are you talking about?” Panic began to eat through him as he saw the old wariness and distrust in Sarah’s eyes. “What’s wrong?” He forced himself not to move toward her to try and embrace her. She stood tense, shoulders up, as if expecting to get hit. He’d never hit a woman in his life.
“I’m afraid, Ethan,” Sarah whispered brokenly, forcing the tears back. “I’ve never met someone like you before. I feel…out of water…. I’m afraid….” She curled her hands into fists for a moment at her sides. She saw shock and then hurt in his expression. “It’s not you,” Sarah rushed on in apology. “It’s me. It’s me, Ethan. You really don’t know me. I feel so ugly inside. I—I have so many issues that are still stalking me. I don’t want to hurt you!” she choked out, pressing her hand against her mouth, trying not to sob as she stared up into his anguished face.
“No,” he rasped, his voice breaking. “Sarah…no…Just hear me out? Please?” he pleaded with her. The tears glittered in her eyes. Ethan suddenly got it. Sarah was caught in the past. She was trying to break free of it, but she wasn’t there. Not yet. “We can slow down—”
“No,” she cried out. “No! I’m not beautiful like you think, Ethan.”
He blinked, as if physically slapped in the face. “What?” And then he drew in a deep breath, willing his emotions aside because all it would do was escalate the terror he saw in her eyes. “You are beautiful to me, Sarah. I see your beauty. I saw it with those little girls you put the shoes on. I saw your beauty with the women of that Afghan village.” He halted, his mind spinning with what to say next. And not chase her off.
“I’m not good for you!” she cried out. “Don’t you see that?”
Ethan winced at her cry. It tore through him, shredded his pounding heart and ripped into his soul. “Sarah—”
She closed her eyes and shook her head. “It’s over, Ethan. I can’t move forward with you. I want to, but I can’t. All I’ll bring you is unhappiness.” She touched his face, tears streaming down her pale cheeks. “All you see is this. Beauty is skin-deep. I’m not beautiful inside, Ethan. I’m not. And I think too much of you to hurt you. And I know I will.” She angrily wiped the tears off her cheeks. “This is over. I need it to be over. Don’t send me any more poems. Don’t try to sit with me at dinner. I—I need space. Time to think. So much has happened so fast.”
Ethan watched her turn and swiftly walk to the door, jerk it open and disappear down the hall. Oh, God. He slumped against the wall, hand pressed to his face. He’d pushed Sarah too fast. Asked
too much of her too soon. Ethan felt tears burning in the backs of his eyes as he tried to forget the night of the most incredible love he’d ever shared with a woman. But Sarah… Why did he push her so fast?
He’d taken advantage of her because she was starting to trust him. He cursed softly as grief rippled through him, stunning him, making him feel as if he were being skinned alive, so vulnerable, so damned open to Sarah.
Ethan got ahold of himself. He swallowed his tears. He forced himself into that box of no emotions to look dispassionately at what had happened. Worst of all, he loved Sarah. Loved her. And she wouldn’t want to hear that. Ever.
Chapter 13
The next morning when Sarah woke up, there was an envelope at her door. Her heart sank yet also swelled with joy. Miserable, she rolled out of the cot. She knew Ethan had no other poems to share with her. So what was this? Sitting back on the cot, Sarah opened it up.
Sarah,
Am on a long-range patrol into a hot area. Don’t know how long I’ll be gone. My testimony was granted a stay and I’ll give it when we get off this direct action mission. Stay safe out there?
Ethan
Sarah drew in a shaky breath, a bad feeling moving through her. She had told him she didn’t want any more of his poems. Her heart broke over what she’d done. She’d never met a man nicer than Ethan. Never been loved like he had loved her. He’d cherished her. Worshipped her heart, body and soul. Why the hell was she letting this old fear run her life? Tears jammed into her eyes. She had hurt Ethan. She’d seen it in his eyes. Heard it in his voice. Felt the desperation to keep her, not let her run. In the end, he’d stepped aside and respected her request. Sarah almost wished he’d fought to keep her. But if Ethan had done that, then she knew that whatever little trust that had grown between them would have snapped and broken forever.
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