At first, Holden is gentle, kissing me like he’s not sure where the line is. I’m the one who deepens it. I loop my arms around his neck and pull him closer, opening my mouth beneath his and inviting him in. He accepts. I’ve never been kissed like this. Thoroughly. Completely. Expertly.
And that’s what it feels like. As if Holden knows exactly how to coax, persuade, entice. A couple minutes of this, and my mind is blanked of everything but him. I explore the ripples of abs. His breathing quickens, and I trace the other side.
He runs his hands down my back and under my bottom to anchor me up against him, as if he needs me to know what I’m doing to him. Knowing I’m not ready for what I’ve so clearly asked him for, I pull away and study his far too good-looking face, my chest feeling as if I’ve just run a marathon.
“I’m sorry, Holden,” I say.
He smooths my hair back from my face. “If this ever happens between us, it has to be for the right reasons.”
Sanity begins to wash over me in a wave. And along with it, a tide of mortification. “Thank you.”
He laughs. “Thank you?”
“For taking my mind off Hank Junior for a few minutes.”
“It was entirely my pleasure. Should I feel used?”
“Maybe a little.”
“It’s not so bad, being used by you.”
I smile, then just as quickly feel the tears well back up and spill down my cheeks.
Holden physically slides me to the middle of the seat and climbs in, shutting the door. He hooks an arm around me and tucks me into the curve of his shoulder. “He’s going to be all right,” he says. “We can wait here until someone comes to open up.”
“You don’t have to stay with me.”
“I want to.”
“Why?” I ask, my voice muffled against his shirt.
Holden glances out the window. “We had a dog when I was growing up. A yellow Lab named Lucy.”
He’s silent for a bit, and I say, “Yeah?”
“Our yard was fenced, but some of the kids in the neighborhood unlatched the gate one day when we weren’t home. She got out, and that night after we came back, we looked everywhere. The next morning, my mom called the pound to make sure she wasn’t there, and they said she wasn’t. We put up flyers and kept looking for days. Every day my mom called and gave them her description again. They kept telling her she wasn’t there.”
My stomach drops, and I’m not sure I want to hear the rest of this. But I wait, unable to tell him that.
“Someone my dad knew called and said he’d just heard we were missing our dog. He had seen a yellow Lab at the pound when he and his family went down to adopt a puppy.”
I want to say something. I can’t because it feels like my voice is locked up inside me.
“My mom and dad and I jumped in the car and drove to the pound as fast as we could. Mom showed a woman at the front desk Lucy’s picture, and just the look on her face made me run out of the place.”
“Oh, Holden.”
“We’d been calling for days, and they said she wasn’t there.”
I hear the bitterness behind the words, and I can barely bring myself to ask, “Did they—”
“The woman said they’d held her for the required period of time, but when the kennels became full—”
I reach up and touch my fingers to his lips. Tears run down my face, and I’m not surprised to see that the same is true for Holden. I lean in and kiss each of them away, my heart feeling as if it has splintered into a thousand pieces.
We sit silent for what feels like a long time, me absorbing, Holden reliving, I guess.
And then he finally says, “When I think about someone leading her to some room and taking her life while she’s wondering where we are…while we’re looking for her—”
A sob rises up out of me, this image of Lucy more than I can manage right now. Sorrow for her and renewed fear for Hank Junior swallow me.
Holden pulls me closer, and while I know I should be comforting him, he’s the one comforting me. “So that’s why I want to wait here with you,” he says.
I’ve barely known Holden for any time at all. It feels like I’ve known him forever.
WE’RE QUIET FOR the next hour or so, arms locked around one another, like we both need this mutual infusion of empathy and understanding.
The truck’s digital clock says 4:07 when Holden reaches beneath the seat and pulls out a notebook. I sit up and watch him remove a pencil from the spiral binding.
“What is it?” I ask.
“Just a thought for a lyric.”
He writes a line on the blank page.
So I got a few things I need to say
He’s still for a bit before writing:
Never thought my life would turn out this way
His pencil is quiet again. This time several minutes pass before he writes down:
Do you ever think about the choice you made
And what those who loved her have had to pay
Then he adds:
Chorus
What you took from me
You can’t give back
I wait for the next line, trying to guess what it might be. Several minutes pass before he writes:
You took the sun
You took the stars
You took the ground beneath my feet
The words are out before I realize I’ve said them. “You even took the air I breathe.”
Holden looks at me and nods. He writes it down.
You even took the air I breathe
And then adds:
Everything, that’s what you took from me
“For Lucy,” I say.
“I don’t know what else it will end up being. I never do at this point.”
The sun has started to lighten the horizon behind the pound building. I feel a settling sense of peace that it’s all gonna be okay. That very soon, I’ll have Hank Junior back, that his fate will be different from Lucy’s. Holden’s sweet Lucy.
Sitting here with him as he writes on his rumpled pad, I have no way of knowing that in a few months, one of Nashville’s most well-known artists will hear Thomas singing Holden’s song, the one he started in this truck with me, at a club downtown. Or that in a year and a half, that same artist, whose wife was killed by a drunk driver, will release it, and the song will hit number one.
Looking at him now, the intensity on his good-looking face, my heart feels like it’s becoming aware for the very first time of what it was made to feel. It’s both terrifying and wonderful all at once.
He has a girlfriend. I know this, but my heart isn’t listening. Just like it hasn’t listened to all the reasons why turning my dreams over to Nashville might not have been the safest route for me to take.
Some things, our hearts don’t let us have a say in. For me, music is one. And right here, right now, I believe Holden Ashford might be the other.
Someone once said every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end. The trick then has to be letting go of the safe, the known and reaching out for what we can’t yet see.
I’m ready to reach.
I really am.
What You Took From Me
By Holden Ashford
So I gotta a few things I need to say
Cause I never thought my life would turn out this way
Do you ever think about the choice you made
And what those who loved her have had to pay
Chorus
What you took from me you can’t give back
You took the sun
You took the stars
You took the ground beneath my feet
Man, you even took the air I breathe
Everything, that’s what you took from me
The roses she planted still bloom each spring
Now and then I sit in our old front porch swing
I look for her in places we used to go
They say the heart forgets but it just ain’t so
Chorus
What you took from me you can’t give back
You took the sun
You took the stars
You took the ground beneath my feet
Man, you even took the air I breathe
Everything, that’s what you took from me
Somewhere in all of this
Forgiveness has its place
But if you’d know then how this would feel
Would you have skipped that last drink
Never taken the wheel
Chorus
What you took from me you can’t give back
You took the sun
You took the stars
You took the ground beneath my feet
Man, you even took the air I breathe
Everything, that’s what you took from me
Oh, you even took the air I breathe
Everything, that’s what you took from me
Up There
By Holden Ashford
The day we brought you home I was so darn proud
Flew a hot air balloon over our house
Showered flower blooms in a rainbow from the sky
Honey, that sure made your Mama cry
When you were five we took you to the county fair
Rode the carousel with the wind in your hair
Now at seven you’re askin’ what’s it like in Heaven
I’ve been thinkin’ real hard about your question
It’ll be like this up there
Little girls don’t have a care
Rain’s nothin’ more than butterfly kisses
Pain’s somethin’ that a pony ride always fixes
Cold watermelon every single day
Big parks where kids can run and play
Old oak trees throwin’ summer shade
It’ll be like that up there
You can’t hold sunshine in walls this cold and grey
I’ve been prayin’ about that night and day
They say you’re just waitin’ on me to let you go
But, honey, I’ve gotta make sure you know
It’ll be like this up there
Little girls don’t have a care
Rain’s nothin’ more than butterfly kisses
Pain’s somethin’ that a pony ride always fixes
Cold watermelon every single day
Big parks where kids can run and play
Old oak trees throwin’ summer shade
It’ll be like that up there
I open the window like you asked me to
Let that soft breeze drift on through
Honey, don’t you worry I’m gonna hold your hand
And I’ll be right beside you till it all begins
It’ll be like this up there
Little girls don’t have a care
Rain’s nothin’ more than butterfly kisses
Pain’s somethin’ that a pony ride always fixes
Cold watermelon every single day
Big parks where kids can run and play
Old oak trees throwin’ summer shade
It’ll be like that up there
It’ll be like that up there
It’ll be like that up there
Read Holden’s blog:
holdenashford.wordpress.com
Next:
Nashville - Part Two:
Hammer and a Song
Credits
Hammer and a Song
Written by Inglath Cooper and Gabe Stalnaker
Performed by Ron Wallace
Produced by Jason Garner Productions, Inc. –Nashville, TN
All rights reserved
Fifty Acres and a Tractor
Written by Inglath Cooper and Gabe Stalnaker
Performed by Ron Wallace
Produced by Jason Garner Productions, Inc. –Nashville, TN
All rights reserved
NASHVILLE
Part Two – Hammer and a Song
A Novella
Inglath Cooper
Like great books, great songs give us a place to go when we need a respite from the pace of the world.
How tiring life would be without them.
For all the songwriters whose songs have provided the soundtrack to my life.
CHAPTER TWELVE
CeCe
I’m sitting in the middle of the truck seat with my head on Holden’s shoulder when the sun begins to peep up over the Davidson County Pound building. I’m not the least bit sleepy. I’m as wide-awake as I’ve ever been.
Holden’s hand is on my knee, his thumb rubbing back and forth over the fabric of my jeans. We haven’t said anything for a good while, instead letting the music from the radio take up the space between us.
There are so many things I want to say, but I know I shouldn’t. Like how is it possible to feel this kind of connection to someone you’ve known for such a short time? Or how I can’t imagine sitting here all night, waiting to find out if Hank Junior is okay, without Holden next to me.
I know it hardly makes any sense, but it’s true.
An engine sounds behind us, and I look back to see a white truck pull up. A man in a tan work uniform gets out, repositions the ball cap on his head and walks up.
Holden opens the door and steps from the truck. “Mornin’,” he says to the man.
“Help you?”
“I hope so,” Holden says. “Our dog is missing, and we were told an animal control officer picked him up last night. We think he might be here.”
My heart does a somersault at Holden’s description of Hank Junior as our dog. Had I really called him Grouchy Guy the first day we met?
“I’m afraid you’ll have to wait until the main office opens at eight to find out.”
“Are you headed down there now, sir?”
“Yeah, but I can’t release him for you.”
“Could we just go with you and make sure he’s there?”
“I’m real sorry.”
Tears well up from my chest and splash down my face before I even realize I’m crying. I jump out of the truck and stumble on a rock, righting myself with a hand on Holden’s arm. “I’m CeCe,” I say, sticking out my hand. “This is Holden.”
We shake, and he points to the nametag on his shirt. “Kenny.”
“Hey, Kenny. I’m kind of having a hard time with this. Hank was in a pound when he was a puppy. His first family left him at one, and he just sat in a corner of his kennel and shook. He wouldn’t eat, and he—” I break off there, unable to speak past the knot in my throat. “Please. I need to know he’s okay.”
The man shakes his head. “It’s against the rules.”
My heart drops south, and I search for the words to make him understand. “He’s my best friend,” I say. “He needs me.”
He looks at me for an endless string of moments. “I wish some of the folks who throw their dogs away here thought of them like that instead. If I get fired, maybe you can help me find a new job.”
“I don’t want you to lose your job, but I just want my dog back.”
“Probably wouldn’t be the worst thing that ever happened to me.”
“Thank you so much,” I say, the words pouring out in a gush of gratitude. “Thank you.”
“Well, all right then.” He pulls a set of keys from his pocket, walks over and opens the padlock on the gate, swinging each arm wide. “Y’all follow me.”
I scramble into the truck, and Holden slides in behind me.
Neither of us says a word all the way to the building. I feel frozen to the seat, my heart pounding so hard in my chest that I know Holden must hear it.
Kenny pulls up to a side door, and we roll to a stop behind him. I hear the dogs from inside, a few barks starting up, and then more follow. By the time he steps in and flips on a light, all the dogs are awake and starting to bark.
“All right, now,” Kenny says in a kind voice. “Y’all settle down.”
His voice has an amazing calming effect. The barking subsides to a few rumbles of conce
rn.
I scan the kennels in front of us, trying not to look at the faces. Already, my heart feels like it’s swelled to the size of a pumpkin, and I’m afraid the sob sitting at the back of my throat is going to burst out at any second.
“Walk on down, and see if you see him,” Kenny says.
I start down the aisle with Holden right behind me. I can tell he’s trying to keep his gaze focused straight ahead. Halfway down, I spot Hank Junior curled up in the back of his kennel, shaking from the tip of his nose to the tip of his tail. Snuggled up next to him with its head on Hank’s side is a chubby little Beagle.
“Hank,” I say, my voice cracking.
He looks up, thumps his tail once as if he’s afraid to believe it’s really me.
Kenny steps in and says, “That him?”
“Yes,” I say.
Kenny opens the door. I nearly leap inside, dropping to my knees and hugging Hank so hard he yelps. He licks my cheek though, still shaking.
“I’m sorry,” I say, kissing his velvety ear, unable to hold back my tears.
Something nudges at my elbow, and I glance down to see the chubby Beagle looking up at me as if hoping to be included in the reunion.
Holden walks into the kennel and squats down beside us. He reaches out and strokes Hank’s head, then does the same for the Beagle.
She all but melts under his touch and rolls over on her back. He smiles and scratches her belly.
“What’s her name?” Holden asks, looking up at Kenny.
“Patsy,” he says.
“As in Kline,” I say, and we both smile.
Patsy turns her head and licks the back of Holden’s hand. I see him melt a little.
“I hate to rush y’all,” Kenny says, “but I’ve got to get to work.”
I stand up and turn to face him. “Please let me take him now, Kenny. I can’t leave him here. I just can’t.”
He looks at Hank and then back at me again. “So what kind of work did you say you have lined up for me?” he asks with a half-grin.
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