by Unknown
“Fabulous day for it” Russell said, after helping Mum back ashore.
“Yes, just blew those cobwebs away” I said, as his hand gripped mine while I stepped off. Dad looked windswept and slightly sunburnt but overjoyed.
While Dad helped her back into the car I turned to Russell.
“I don't suppose you know anyone who could give me a few sailing lessons?”
“I think I just might, come back tomorrow afternoon and I'll fix you up with the best instructor I know”
“Thanks and yes I'll see you tomorrow”
Back at the house I called James and we chatted over Skype. He told me they had a slight breakthrough with the investigations and the police were looking into a private investigator called Keith Madison. I told him about my day on the yacht and explained that I was going to take some sailing lessons.
Saying good-bye I reached to touch the screen, wishing that he was with me or that I was there with him. Blowing kisses I watched the screen turn black and whisk my love away from me once more. I took my mug of hot chocolate out onto the veranda and watched the sun dive into the ocean, before the moon took its place and the stars sprinkled their random pattern onto the black fabric of the night.
“Seems like waiting, makes me love you even more”
Chapter 30
The next morning passed in a flash, Mum was still enjoying her good mood and talking about sailing in an animated fashion.
“I think it worked” Dad said, as we sipped our juice.
“It worked on me too, I'm off to get an instructor this afternoon”
“That's my girl, I'd like to leave it to someone who will appreciate its magic. Just wish it was me teaching you”
“God no Dad, remember my driving lessons” I let out a loud groan and then we both laughed, sharing the memories.
“Well I hope you have fun and I'll see you this evening”
“I'll grab some fish and chips for tea on my way home”
Grabbing my lightweight jacket I sauntered down to the harbour and found Russell reclined on his deckchair, Wilbur asleep beneath.
“Hi Russell, great afternoon”
“Sure is Steph, your instructor is at your mooring”
I was curious to find out who he was as I approached and found a familiar figure.
“Sebastian” I gasped.
“Stephanie and please just call me Seb”
“Likewise Steph is better for me”
He held out his hand as I climbed aboard then he jumped up alongside.
Seb was immediately business like as we went through all the technical terms and names before he untied us.
“Do you want me to steer us out?”
I nodded and sat down on the bench seating, gazing ahead towards the horizon. The sun danced its sparkling feet on the crests of the waves to the sound of the winds song. I felt so happy and free as we passed through the harbour walls and out into the ocean. Seb beckoned me over to the wheel and moved aside so that I could take over.
“Head starboard and we'll follow the coast and see what she can do”
“Aye, aye Captain” I giggled in response aware that he stood closely behind me.
I started to feel the pull of the sail and understand when to change course to either slow down or speed up. Then it was back along the coast to the harbour, two hours had flown by. We hadn't really spoken apart from the technical talk but the atmosphere between us was comfortable, like that of old friends. Back on dry land he showed me the best knot to tie and then we wandered back towards Russell's hut. He was nowhere to be seen.
“Same time tomorrow, weather permitting?”
“Yes, I'd like that” I said “but what if the weather is bad?”
He pressed a crumpled piece of paper into my hand.
“My mobile number should you need it”
Before I had chance to say anything else he glanced at his watch and hurried off in the direction of the car park.
I was starving and my head was spinning with all the new information crowding it so I picked up tea and walked briskly home. Dad was wringing his hands on the veranda where I found him.
“What's wrong Dad?”
“She's getting worse, she seems breathless and agitated”
I walked into the bedroom where she lay on the bed, her chest rising rapidly, her eyes flickering but not seeing.
“Mum” I knelt down by the bed “Mum, can you hear me?”
I looked around and saw Dad standing in the doorway.
“Ring for an ambulance, now”
I picked up her one hand and rubbed it in mine, it felt like ice.
I glanced across at the bedside cabinet and that was when my world slipped out of sync. Her glass of water had toppled over and splintered on impact, droplets spread out and dripped over the edge to pool on the floor. I stood up and walked slowly round to the far side of the bed, her arm dangled over it and my legs buckled at the sight. Blood seeped out across the lines and wrinkles of her skin, it coloured the broken piece of glass that had fallen beneath it. It was warm on my knees as the pool greeted them.
“Dad...DAD” I screamed, so high pitched I could hardly comprehend it was coming from my mouth.
I grabbed the thin throw that lay across the end of the bed and tried clumsily to dam the stream. Tears clouded my vision along with the dreams of my own suicide attempt. Now I was seeing and feeling what Sarah and Chris must of in the early hours of 1989, twenty four years ago. I don't remember much else until strong arms lifted me from the floor and wrapped a blanket around my shoulders. Blue lights flashed outside the windows as a stretcher took my Mum away. I followed and sat in shock next to my Dad as the ambulance took off with speed. I felt his shaking arm slide over my shoulders, he shook and I guessed he was trying to be a man and hide his sobs.
The wait in the sterile room of the hospital was almost too much for me. I paced while Dad sat with his head in his hands. We jumped when the Doctor emerged but his face was relaxed.
“Everything went well, it wasn't a deep cut so she should recover with just a little scarring”
I looked at my own gashes, they would never disappear.
“So how soon can she come home?” Dad asked.
“Well possibly a day or two, the consultant will speak to you about that”
We shook hands and as we did he noticed my scars. A flicker of puzzlement glinted in his eyes as he tried to make sense of this parallel. He didn't ask as he showed Dad to the nearest phone so we could ring for a taxi. The drive home was silent, I re-heated our supper but we both just pushed it around on the plates. I hardly slept that night as every time I closed my eyes the image of my Mum mingled with the red bath water of my own. As dawn broke and started to colour the vines I cradled my first mug of coffee and tried to clear my mind. I pulled out the crumpled piece of paper with Seb's number on it, wondering whether I should call and cancel.
But as the sun rose higher and spread its light over the clear blue sky I knew that I would rather be sailing than sitting in the hospital with my Mum and Dad. After breakfast Dad drove there and I sauntered down to the harbour, I found Seb on board. I hopped on and untied us so that we were free to the currents of the ocean.
"Do you want to guide her out?"
I nodded and took the wheel, hoping that once we hit the open waves it would wake me from the nightmares that were still close. I stood hunched over the wheel, my moves felt stilted and I jumped when Seb placed his hands on my shoulders and started to kneed them.
"You're tense today, what's up?"
His kind enquiry toppled my resolve to hold it all in, as my sobs wrenched free and I shook.
Seb reached around and took the wheel from my tight grasp and allowed me the space to sit and cry. He steered us into a small inlet and dropped anchor. I felt his arm rest lightly on my shoulder, his silence comforting.
"Mum's in Hospital" I muttered "She tried to kill herself last night"
Slowly I stuttered the story out to him
as the tears dried on my cheeks, he passed me a tissue and as I grasped it he noticed my scar. Grabbing my hand in his he took a longer look. I glanced up into his face, mine covered in my usual rush of shame.
"It's ok, you don't have to tell me"
I pulled my hand from his and shook my head.
"That's a long story and for another day, I've burdened you enough"
"Sometimes you need to unload" Seb murmured, quietly.
"Feel free" I replied.
Standing up Seb started to pull up the anchor.
"Enough counselling I think we need to finish this sailing lesson"
"Aye, Captain" I tried a grin, the darkness of my thoughts floating away on the soft breeze. Taking the wheel again Seb stood beside my shoulder and stared into the distance. I hoped that he would open up about him and Lena but he stayed silent. Back in the harbour he jumped off to tie us up and then held out his hand to help me down.
"I can't do tomorrow or the day after but are you ok for Friday?"
"Yes, that will be fine"
We lingered awkwardly next to the yacht, the bond between us strengthening our friendship. Then he glanced down at his watch.
"I'd better go, take care, Steph"
"You too Seb"
I watched his jog down the pathway and into the car park, before I turned and walked towards the sea wall. Sitting down on the warm concrete I pulled out my phone. I knew it would be the early hours of the morning but last night had left me in need of a chat with my James.
"Is everything ok, Steph" his words worried by the early hour of my call.
"Just wanted to hear your voice, sorry I woke you"
I hesitated as the waves lapped against the solid wall.
"I've just been out sailing and wish you were here sharing it with me"
"I do too honey" his voice warm and tender. Closing my eyes I imagined him under the covers of our bed, his warm body just waiting for my tender touch.
"Is everything alright at home?" I enquired.
"Yes, Darren and Sophie are working on a new costume drama. Mum and Dad are looking after me in their usual fashion and Charlie rings every Friday night"
"And"
"No more news on Mark's murder, they are back against that brick wall"
I sighed, I knew how important it was for James to try and get some answers for me but in my heart I only blamed one person. I had no grounds to think it was Felicity, apart from my intuition.
"I'd better let you go back to sleep"
"Yep, I'm on early shift so will be up and about in a few hours. Take care baby, I miss you more that you can imagine"
"About as much as I miss you then" I breathed, cherishing our love.
Hanging up I stayed and watched the ocean, moving to its own lullaby. The walk back home was a slow one and in the empty house I crashed out on my bed and found sleep.
Chapter 31
The next thing I remembered was my phone beeping and with bleary eyes I reached for it. It was Charlotte for one of our regular weekly chats.
"Give me ten minutes sweetheart" I texted back, before setting the computer and webcam up and then taking another few to wash my face. I hoped that she wouldn't notice my puffy eyes. Then I turned on the screen and saw her beautiful face, the wet tendrils of hair slipping from the towel wound round it.
"Hi Charlie, how are rehearsals?"
"Hey Mum, they're going well I don't have to be in until lunchtime today but then we're going to do our first run through of the whole thing"
"Sounds good, I so hope that I can come home in time to see you perform"
"Me too Mum"
I watched her sweep a strand of hair from her eyes.
"Are Nana and Grandad ok?"
"As well as can be expected" I replied, I didn't want to worry her with the news of the previous night.
"Have you been home to see James?"
"No, I've been so tired at weekends that I sometimes don't get up until lunchtime, then I'm practising"
"Well, don't burn yourself out, your health is important"
A brief flicker of something crossed her face at my comment and I almost pushed but she looked at her watch.
"I've got to go now Mum, I'll speak to you next week"
"I'll look forward to it, love you honey"
"Love you too Mum"
I padded into the kitchen and started to prepare a salad and some chicken for dinner. Dad appeared.
"How's Mum?"
"No change, she's just lying there, it’s like she's given up living" his voice cracked as he slumped down in the chair.
"I'll come with you tomorrow and we can both hear what the consultant has to say"
After another silent meal he went down to the cricket club for a couple of beers and I took my book and music out to catch the last rays of sun. The next morning the weather seemed to match our mood, cloudy and grey. Dad drove to the hospital and after a silent half hour in her room the consultant appeared and ushered us into his office.
"So, when can she come home?" my Dad asked.
"I think after what happened it might be better for her to move into one of our care facilities"
"But I want her home"
I could see the determination in his eyes as he stared straight ahead at the consultant.
"Dad, it might be best, we can choose the right one for her"
"No, she's coming home with me" he stood up and stormed out of the room. I hesitated in my chair.
He smiled kindly at me, his gaze taking in my scars.
"You understand, don't you?"
"Yes, but it's a hard decision for Dad to make, he's looked after her for so long now"
"She can stay here for now, but I'll need an answer after the weekend so we can get the paperwork completed"
I nodded and stood up to shake his hand.
"Has she regressed back to a time from your past?" he enquired, his fingertips just glancingover the tip of my scar.
"Yes, she thinks I'm still a teenager and yes that was when I did this" I motioned to my scars "I think she still feels guilty that she didn't realise how I was feeling"
"No one can ever know, but she's tried once so chances are she will try again. In a home she can be monitored twenty four seven, if you tried that even between the two of you, you'll be knackered before the week is out"
"I'll talk to him"
"Thanks Stephanie, and try not to worry about your Mum she's in a safe place"
I found Dad outside in the drizzle, his head bowed and hands shoved in his pockets.
"Come on Dad, shall we go home"
"No, let’s go to the Harbour"
Driving the now familiar road we saw the sea crashing against the protective barrier of the harbour wall. We both walked along the gangplank until we reached the yacht. I watched him climb aboard and then hold out his hand for mine.
"I don't think this is a good idea" I protested, as he passed me a life jacket.
"It probably isn't but I need to do it"
I sat down and let Dad steer us out into the choppy seas, the rain lashed at our faces and soaked our clothes. We flew down the coastline, faster than I had ever been before. I clung onto the side and watched my father battling with the forces of nature, the muscles in his arms straining to keep the wheel straight.
Turning I grabbed the sail round and we found ourselves at the mercy of the waves before the wind caught once more.
"Are you ok Dad?" I shouted into the air. He nodded and I watched his skill in handling the yacht in such stormy weather through the harbour opening. Back at our pitch I found my legs were shaking as I climbed down to tie us off. Russell and Wilbur had made the walk along and stood waiting for us.
"That was brave, sailing in this weather" he said, as my Dad stepped down.
"Probably stupid, but we're back in one piece" he said, smiling at Russell and reaching to stroke Wilbur.
"Come on Dad, we're soaked and I think in need of a hot drink"
"Yes, good idea
Steph and thanks for indulging your old man"
"Less of the old Dad" I jested, taking his arm in mine.
Back at home we each showered and I was about to put the kettle on when Dad gave me a glass of brandy.
"Think we need this more" he said, a small look of pain crossed his face. The liquid heated us from the inside and Dad scraped together some wood to light the fire.
"So Dad, I think we really need to consider the offer, Mum is not safe by herself and we can't provide the kind of care that she really needs now"
"You're right, it's all I've been thinking about since the other night but I feel like I'm letting her down"
"You're not Dad, she will still be nearby but you can try and still have a life, you know take the yacht out in better weather than today? Hang out with your friends at the club"
My Dad caught my eyes and his gaze was warm, he opened his arms and I snuggled into them.
"We'll do it, I'm going to find it hard at first but you need to go home to James and Charlotte, where you belong"
"Dad" my sob broke and he held me as I cried. Cried for all the times we had shared as a family, for the time we had spent apart and for the Mum I once knew. He stroked my hair and I pulled my emotions back in.
"I'll stay until she's sorted and you are happy"
"Just the sorted will do, just promise you'll come back to visit and bring my beautiful granddaughter with you"
"I will Dad, believe me I will"
The next day we returned to the hospital and started to fill in all the paperwork so that enquiries could be made into the best place for her. We went out for dinner in the pub by the harbour and enjoyed the view of the calmer sea.
"The yacht's yours, why do you think we called it Stephanie's Star"
"Thanks Dad, you can look after it for me until I come back"
That evening I called James and told him everything that had happened.
