“That’s right.” Sarah popped her head in the doorway. “No arguments.”
“Reid, help me talk some sense—”
“Psht!” Sarah shushed Tinker. “You know you want to go.”
“Sarah—”
“Psht!” She did it again.
A laugh escaped Reid’s tightly sealed lips. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to.” He turned away, trying to stifle it, but a snort escaped. Then another laugh, and he couldn’t stop. “I’m sorry, I can’t help it.” He bent over his knees, letting the laughter roll out of him.
Sarah giggled, then Tinker started to chuckle. After a moment, all three were howling. When Reid got control of himself, his eyes were watering and his stomach ached, but he felt a whole lot better.
Sarah sighed. “I needed that.”
“Lordy, so did I,” Tinker said.
“So it’s settled?” Sarah looked from Reid to Tinker.
“It’s settled.” Tinker gave Sarah a sidelong look, then grinned at Reid. “We’re going on a road trip!”
“I was hoping to leave tomorrow,” Reid said. “But whenever you’re ready.”
“I assumed tomorrow was a foregone conclusion,” Tinker said.
“How’s that?”
“My wife told me to leave as soon as possible. You’ve seen what happens when I try to argue with her.” Tinker poked Sarah with his elbow. “So we’re leaving tomorrow. I guess I’d better gather up my clothes, huh?”
“I’m about done here, then I can get started on the food and other supplies.” Reid sighed. It was going to be a long night. “Grandma, will you show me what foodstores we can take?”
“No need. Your pops and I took care of everything while we had our little discussion. Food, water, cooking gear, bedrolls.”
“Tools, guns, ammo,” Tinker continued. “Tarps, toiletries, and everything else we could think of. Water’s the main thing, and we have lots.”
“Wow,” Reid said. “Thank you.”
“See you bright and early,” Tinker said, heading out.
“Goodnight, Pops.” Reid spotted a bin of baseball caps on a low shelf. “That’s what I’ve been looking for.” He grabbed a hat and pulled it on.
“It suits you,” Sarah said. “I always was partial to the Yankees.”
“Then Yankees it is.” He hooked the hat to his pack with a carabiner. “That’s the last thing I needed, so I’m heading for a hot shower. Might be my last one for awhile.”
“I did want to ask you something,” Sarah said, her expression serious.
Reid swallowed hard. “I’m sorry about Dad.”
“He should have had a lot more years. But I don’t blame you. It wasn’t your fault.”
But it was.
“Your father wanted you to be the next bishop, didn’t he?” Sarah continued. “What will happen now?”
“He’d finally accepted that I wasn’t going to do it. I’m no leader, and I’m certainly not a believer, not in his church, maybe not even in God. Dad had been training up a handful of others. I’m sure one of them has taken over already.” Or maybe not. Vega said “proof” of Raiders changed everything. Maybe there would be no church. “That’s what you wanted to ask me?”
“No, actually I wanted to know if you’re taking Zeke with you.”
The question surprised him. “I hadn’t thought about it.”
“Why don’t you sleep on it, dear.”
“No, he’s attached himself to Kayla. Don’t you think he’d be happier staying with her?”
“I was hoping you’d noticed. I think it would be good for her, too.”
“Then Zeke stays.” He gave her a peck on the cheek. “Goodnight.”
Reid stood in the shower for at least twenty minutes. The water felt almost hot enough to cook with. He never wanted to get out, but his skin had started to shrivel. He toweled dry and slipped into baggy sweatpants, then padded down the hall toward his room.
He hesitated at Kayla’s door. He’d been pointedly not thinking about her because every time he did he got confused. But on impulse he knocked.
“It’s open,” Kayla called.
He cracked the door. “Just saying goodnight.”
She was reading in bed, propped against the pillows with a pink quilt tucked around her. She looked beautiful in the soft glow of the lamp, her hair flowing loose over one shoulder.
“Come in for a minute?” She put her book on the nightstand, scooted over, and patted the space she’d vacated.
Reid wondered if he should say no, but he couldn’t. He crossed the room and sat on the foot of the bed, not sure what to do with his arms, wishing he’d put on a shirt.
“Reid . . . I’ve been trying to think what to say.” Her eyes welled up.
He moved closer and took her hand. It was small and strong, and fit perfectly in his.
She pulled her hand back and folded her arms across her chest. There was determination in the set of her jaw. “No, don’t be nice. I need to say . . . thank you. . . .” Her face wrinkled up, but she composed herself again. “Thank you for always being there for me, and for Brian. He knew that, and he loved you.”
She half-smiled, half-grimaced. He reached out again but she stopped him.
“No, let me say this.” She blew out a breath. “I don’t want you to worry about me while you’re gone. I’ll be fine. Just come back. With seeds. That’s what Brian would have wanted.”
Reid opened his mouth to ask about Brian’s death—he needed to know before he left—but Kayla burst into tears.
“I’m going to miss you.” She sobbed, covering her face with her hands.
Reid felt like his own heart was breaking. He wrapped his arms around her and she clung to his chest, her face warm and moist against his bare skin. “Shhh. Shhh,” he said, smoothing her hair. “It’s going to be okay.”
She cried harder, racked with sobs and ragged breaths. He held her tight and rocked her until she shuddered and pulled away, wiping her face.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I didn’t expect that. I didn’t know it would be so hard to say goodbye to you.”
“Then don’t.”
“I don’t want to.” She touched his face. “Will you stay with me tonight?”
He stood and put out the lamp. In the moonlight her features looked porcelain, her hair like spun silver. He watched her, giving her a moment to change her mind.
She pulled back the covers and he climbed in, sliding his arm under her shoulders. She snuggled into the crook of his neck. He didn’t know what she wanted from him or what it would do to him, but it didn’t matter. He’d do anything she asked.
“I didn’t want to be alone this last night,” she said.
“You don’t ever have to be alone.”
She looked into his eyes. Her mouth was soft and her breathing was slow. He thought she was going to kiss him. Instead she took his hand and placed it palm down on her stomach.
“I’m pregnant.”
Twenty-Seven
Lost Angeles, Pascal’s living room
“Professor Emery, I am not accustomed to being kept waiting.” Pascal’s anger had been growing since sunset, and he had to remind himself he couldn’t handle Emery like other men.
“I apologize, Chancellor,” Emery said, pushing his glasses higher on his nose. “I was in the middle of an experiment. I opened the door for your men as soon as I could.”
“From now on, you’ll keep the doors unlocked.”
“But that could be extremely detrimental. Some of the experiments require delicate conditions of light, temperature, and airflow. If one were disturbed at the wrong time, it would set us back weeks. Months, even.”
“We wouldn’t want that. Not as long as there is actually progress. You do have progress to report, don’t you?”
“Yes, in fact I do. Quite exciting findings. The rat specimens are—”
“Rats?” Pascal rose from his chair before he realized. He made himself sit back down. “I believe I was quite
clear on the subject of rats. We already have rats. We will never get milk or butter or eggs from rats.”
“Yes, but the cow and goat experiments were going nowhere. There’s not enough data to recreate that kind of animal. With rats, we have the advantage of living specimens, plus the substantial amount of research material from the world before. We’ve made real progress with rat DNA. Eventually we’ll apply our findings to the preserved DNA of other species.”
“Eventually.” He saw it in his mind’s eye—the path to the Irvine labs crumbling away. The scientists were never going to bring back animal life, not in his lifetime or his son’s. Probably not ever.
“This is good news, Chancellor,” Emery said.
“Is it?” Not for you. Pascal wanted to shove a pistol between the professor’s yellow teeth. It would be satisfying to watch his brains spray out the back of his head. But the satisfaction would be fleeting. He visualized it on the scales, weighing that satisfaction against the possibility—however remote—that Emery would produce something useful. “Leave now, Professor. While I’m feeling generous.”
After Emery scuttled out the door, Pascal rested his head back against the chair and closed his eyes. Only one path to the future remained. It was faint, but visible. Off in the murky distance was the home of the missionaries.
Twenty-Eight
Manitou Springs, Colorado
“Oh my God,” Reid breathed. A baby.
Kayla let go of his hand, but he didn’t move it from her stomach. There was a baby in there. Brian’s baby.
“That’s why I can’t go with you to Ellay.”
“No, of course you can’t. You need to be on bed rest, monitored, taken care of. How far along are you?”
“More than three months.”
“What? You had to have known before now. What the hell have you been doing running around in the city? If you’d only said something, they wouldn’t have made you go on brevet.”
“I know.”
“Then why didn’t you tell them? Why didn’t you tell me? Kayla, you could have lost the baby.”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
“Did Brian know?”
She nodded. “I kept it from him at first. When I found out, Tinker had just gotten the car working and we were all going to leave together. I didn’t want Brian to go without me.”
“Go where?”
“Anywhere. Everywhere. Looking for seeds, looking for people. Brian was convinced there were other people alive in the world. I think Tinker believes it too, even though he’s never heard anyone on those radios of his. Personally, I didn’t care if we ever found anything as long as I was with Brian. If I’d let on about the baby, I’d have been left behind.”
“No, you’re wrong. Brian never would have left you.”
“Don’t you see? That would have been worse. I couldn’t be the reason he didn’t go. So I kept the pregnancy a secret. When we were getting ready for the trip, it was easy to hide the symptoms, but once we were driving, the motion of the car was too much. We were only a little way into the Burn when I needed to throw up. Your grandparents didn’t know we’d stopped—they were so exhausted from packing, they were asleep in the backseat. After I puked, Brian asked point-blank if I was pregnant, and I couldn’t lie. I’ve never seen him so angry. The things he said . . .”
Reid could imagine his brother’s fury.
“I didn’t want to wake your grandparents,” Kayla continued, “so I walked away from the car. He followed, telling me I was irresponsible, that I could have lost our baby. He said we had to go back, that I couldn’t travel until after the baby was born. I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want him to be right, so I kept walking. One second he was behind me. The next, the ground gave way beneath him and he fell into a basement. A piece of rebar went right through his side. There was so much blood.” Her voice broke and she took a shuddering breath. “But he must have also hit his head because he never screamed. He was just gone. I don’t think he even knew what happened.”
Reid held tightly to Kayla’s hand, trying not to squeeze it too hard, trying not to be angry with her, trying not to picture his brother lying bloody and broken. Sobs welled up in his chest, but he held them in. Brian was gone and nothing could change that. He took a deep breath, making sure he had control of his voice. “You were lucky. You could have been killed, too.”
“I should have been! It should have been me. It’s my fault he’s dead. I was scared and stupid and selfish. We both knew better. But I wasn’t thinking, and he was so angry, he wasn’t looking. One wrong step and he was dead. It was my fault, but I blamed the baby. I know that’s terrible, but I did, and I didn’t want it.”
“But you changed your mind?”
“I could hate it when it was only an idea. But I felt it move, and now it’s real. It’s a baby. Brian’s baby. All I have left of him.”
He let out a long breath, holding Kayla’s hand gently now. His heart ached for Brian, but also for Kayla. She’d been through hell, alone. “I wish you’d told me sooner.”
“I didn’t want you to hate me. But tonight I realized I might never see you again, and you deserve to know the truth. About the baby, and about how Brian died. No matter how it makes you feel about me.”
He squeezed her hand and looked into her eyes. “I could never hate you.”
She broke eye contact, but still held onto his hand. “You should hate me. I was stupid and selfish. If I hadn’t been, Brian would still be alive.”
“No, look at me, Kay.” He tipped her chin up, making it hard for her to look away. “It was an accident. It was horrible and tragic, and we’ll never be the same. But it’s not your fault.”
“God, I want to feel normal again. Is anything ever going to feel normal again?”
He hugged her and she clung to him. He wasn’t sure what normal was, but at least these secrets weren’t between them anymore.
“Reid?” she whispered. “I’m scared.”
He held her closer. He wanted to tell her that he was scared, too. Scared of his feelings for her. Scared what it meant that Brian was gone. Scared of her going through a pregnancy without him there to take care of her. Scared of leaving and maybe not ever coming back. But that’s not what she needed to hear.
“It’s going to be okay,” he murmured in her ear. “My grandmother won’t let anything happen to you or the baby while I’m gone, and when I come back I’ll bring seeds. I’m going to make sure this baby has a future. I promise.”
Twenty-Nine
Highway 285, Poncha Springs, Colorado
Tinker beat a rhythm on the steering wheel. “I should have rigged a way to play music.”
“Do you miss it?” Reid asked, wondering what it would have been like to have music any time you wanted it.
“Yeah, particularly in the car. Still, it’s great to be on the road again. So free. Almost like the good old days.”
Reid let silence fall in the car again. He was worried about Kayla, but he didn’t want to spoil Tinker’s fun.
“Even going this route, we should make Albuquerque before dark,” Tinker said.
They’d gone a back way to avoid being seen by Vega’s men in Colorado Springs.
“Yeah, that’s great, Pops.”
“Try to sound a little excited,” Tinker said. “This is a road trip. It’s supposed to be fun.”
“Sorry.”
“A penny for your thoughts?”
“Another one of your ancient expressions?”
“No, I thought you could use a penny.”
Reid couldn’t help grinning. “Okay, if you must know, I was thinking about Kayla. I hate leaving her behind. I know Grandma will take good care of her, but . . .”
“You care about her.”
“Yeah.”
“But there’s more to it. I get it. I know about the baby. That’s a tough thing. A real joy to have that living memory of Brian, if it works out. But tough for you, I imagine. Hard to have a constant reminder of h
er dead husband if you’re in love with her.”
“What? Why would you think that?”
“Are you? In love with her?”
“It doesn’t matter how I feel, Pops. What matters is I’m going to be there for her, and the baby too. I’m glad to have that reminder of Brian, and I’m going to do everything I can to give the baby a chance for a good life. We’re that baby’s family, and we should be Kayla’s too.”
“Kayla is family. Always will be,” Tinker said. “I love her to pieces. I treat her like my own, and that won’t change. But I gotta speak my mind on something.”
Reid was pretty sure he didn’t want to hear it, but Tinker wasn’t likely to let it go. Might as well get it over with. “Okay, Pops. Spit it out.”
“You need to be clear how you feel about her. With yourself and with her. If you love her, tell her. If you don’t love her, you won’t be doing her any favors, or yourself either, by marrying her.”
“Marrying her? You don’t have to worry about that. We’re not going back to the Mountain, so even without Dad’s protection, no one is going to force us to get married.”
“Good. Because once you’ve walked in the sunshine, you can never go back to living in the dark.”
“Huh? What are you talking about?”
“What I’m trying to say is, when you care about someone versus when you’re in love, it’s like night and day. Sure, you can live a pretty good life in the dark. You’ll stumble around and bruise your shins, but you can be happy. But, once you’ve walked in the daylight and you can see, it’s a whole different ballgame. After that, you’d wonder why you’d ever willingly live in the dark. You get my meaning?”
“I, I guess so.”
“Kayla and Brian, they lived in the light. So if you two aren’t in love, you might be able to make it work, but she’d know the difference. Be honest with yourself, and with her. Tell her how you feel.”
“Sure, Pops.” But he had no intention of ever telling Kayla how he felt. She’d always see him as a poor substitute for his brother. If he hoped for anything more, he’d only be disappointed. Besides, he’d made a promise.
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