by David Haynes
The house creaked, as it always did in the night. Sometimes it groaned too if the day had been particularly hot. The rafters and beams supporting the roof eased themselves into position for the night like an old man preparing to sleep. He rolled over and closed his eyes. Tomorrow was a new day and with the light might come some ideas about what he could do.
The stairs creaked and he opened his eyes. A moment passed without further sound and he allowed his eyes to close again.
They creaked again. Twice. Like something, or someone, was very slowly coming up the stairs. He held his breath and waited.
It happened again, and again it was very slow. Was the house still...
Then it was like a pianist running his fingers up the keys as the stairs rumbled together in an almighty crescendo.
Chris was out of bed before the sound had stopped and he threw open the bedroom door. In front of him stood the figure of a young woman. It was the young woman he’d seen down at the slipway with his dad. A young woman with a tangle of chestnut hair which fell over her shoulders.
“Carol,” he whispered.
She turned toward him and her eyes were beautiful and dark. Her eyes were there again. She was whole but she was sad. Tears fell like crystals.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered and took a step toward her. “My dad, Pat, Joe, they’re all sorry.” He was aware that Lou was standing behind him because he could feel her breath on his shoulder.
The door to Ollie’s room creaked. “No,” Chris whispered. “No, Ollie.”
Then it banged open and Ollie was standing there in his astronaut pyjamas, rubbing his eyes. “Mummy?” he called out.
Carol smiled at Chris and one by one her teeth fell to the floor and those crystal tears turned to murky, festering water. Her eyes slid away, leaving only black holes and despair.
She turned to Ollie and lifted a finger. Her voice echoed throughout the house.
“I can see you.”
Ollie fell back into his room. His body twitched twice on the carpet and a great torrent of water ran from his mouth like a river.
He’s drowning, thought Chris. He’s drowning just like I was, just like Dad did. But it’s happening inside the house!
Lou pushed him out of the way, screaming “Leave him alone you fucking bitch! Leave him alone!” She ran to Ollie who was coughing up the slimy depths of the Atlantic Ocean onto the carpet.
Joe almost fell out of his room. “This is my house!” he shouted, but he was immediately thrown back against the door and crumpled to the floor.
“You can have me,” Chris shouted. “Take me, I’ll come with you but please leave my boy!” He watched Ollie’s poor little body convulse and twitch in Lou’s arms.
“Lizzy?” Joe’s voice was weak but it came through the madness. “Lizzy!” he roared and this time there was no doubting the strength that still flowed through his veins.
The house creaked and groaned again and then Ollie’s room slammed shut. The force of it made the house shake. It locked Lou and Ollie in there together.
Carol turned back to him and screamed. The sound it made was so deep and so low that Chris felt his eardrums vibrating in his head. He covered his ears but he could feel the thin membranes of his eardrums stretching to their limits.
And then she was gone.
Chris ran across the hall and pushed Ollie’s door. It wouldn’t give way. He put his shoulder to it but still it wouldn’t open.
“Lou! Open the door.”
He could hear her crying on the other side. “Lou!” He banged his fist on the door.
“Lizzy? She’s gone.” Joe was beside him and he put his hands on the door. “She’s gone away, it’s safe.”
The door swung slowly open. Lou was on the floor kneeling beside Ollie who was trembling, but at least he was conscious. There was no sign of the water but his face was wet, wet from tears.
Chris dropped to his knees and held Ollie’s head against his chest. Ollie was sobbing but he was alive. He was alive.
He looked at Lou. “The water. I thought he was drowning. I thought...”
“Water? There wasn’t water, Chris. Just her eyes. Just those holes.” She was crying too and he pulled her close.
“Daddy, make it stop. Make her stop it.” Ollie’s words broke his heart. With every sinew in his body he wished he could make this stop. Make her stop. But what could he...
He knew. In that instant, he knew what he must do. What he must do to make this stop. What he must do to protect his son. What his dad had wanted to do to protect him.
He kissed Ollie’s head and smelled his hair. It was mango, his favourite shampoo.
He pulled away and held Ollie’s face. “I’ll make it stop, Ollie. I’ll stop her.”
He kissed his head again and turned to Lou.
“I need to do something, Lou. I need to do it for Ollie and for Dad, Pat and Granddad. And for me.” He kissed her gently and smiled. “I love you.”
Lou grabbed Ollie and held him to her again. “I love you too. Just help him, please.”
He stood up and looked at Joe. The man looked angry, really angry. “Nobody comes in my house without my say-so. Nobody.”
Chris squeezed past him and into the bedroom. He dressed quickly and walked back to the landing. Joe was still standing looking down at Lou and Ollie.
Chris patted him on the shoulder. “I’ll see you in a while.”
Joe didn’t turn around or acknowledge that Chris had gone. It was probably better that way.
Chapter 20
Chris pulled into the car park. The tyres crunched over the loose stones as he drove straight to the bottom end; the end where the ambulance had been when they loaded Pat into it. He didn’t remember a single inch of the drive down here, not a single bend along the mile-long stretch of lane.
He stopped the car and looked down over the cove. The last time he’d sat in a car here had been with his dad, eating ham and mustard sandwiches. The mustard stung his nose and made his eyes run but he hadn’t let his dad see. His dad loved ham and mustard and because of that he would too. Whether he liked it or not.
It was all so simple really. Pat knew it and his dad had known. They knew where it had to end and yet Dad hadn’t been given the time. He’d been too busy saving his son to give his life freely. To give her what she wanted.
But that was where it must end. It ends here and now with him. The line stops. He walks down that slipway into the sea and lets it take him where it may. He gives his life and Ollie keeps his sanity and his life. Simple.
His dad hadn’t been weak. Quite the opposite. He’d written that note, knowing what he had to do to keep his son safe. It was all so very logical. Now he had to do the same thing.
He opened the car door and was immediately hit by the wind. It was what Joe referred to as a South-Westerly and was usually followed by rain, or a storm. The smell was the same though. That clean, fresh smell that came from the ocean. Nothing could capture it.
It was pitch black but if he closed his eyes, he could remember everything about the place, about that day. He lifted his eyes toward the headland where they had watched the waves and listened to the eternal rumble of sea against rock. In the distance, the lights from the houses at Sennen, and the building on Land’s End farther along, twinkled like stars in the sky. There were no stars tonight though. The clouds had seen to that.
Would Ollie understand? Not at first he wouldn’t. No boy could ever understand why their dad chose to leave him but in time he would. Like him, in time he’d see what had to be done. Chris took his mobile phone out of his pocket. There was no signal with which to send a message to Lou but that was good. He would just type out a message and leave it in the car. When they found it, the message would be there for Ollie, for them both.
He typed five words. I’m sorry, I love you. The screen glowed brightly in the gloom and the cursor blinked – hungry for more words. But there were no more, not really. He put the phone in the holder on the dashboard
and watched the glow fade then darken completely.
He started down the path. Past the fishermen’s huts and lobster pots, with the strong scent of the day’s catch, and stopped at the top of the slipway. What had he expected to find when he got here? Her? Pat, or his dad? It was empty. Nobody was waiting for him.
It was loud down here, much louder than he remembered. When he caught up with his dad on that day, he skidded and fell just here. He’d seen his dad pulling her out of the water, trying to save her, but she couldn’t be saved. She was already dead. Had he seen that or had he seen what his own dad’s conscious was seeing? All those years of guilt and all those years of regret had changed him into a man he should never have been. It had changed him and it had changed his son. Chris wouldn’t allow that to happen again.
The first few drops of rain fell on his face. He sat down and tipped his head backwards. A few drops quickly became a downpour and within seconds his clothes were soaked through. His flesh prickled at the sensation. He could sit here for hours like this and listen to nature do what it did best. How long had Pat done the same? How long had Pat waited with a knife in his hand and contemplated what was coming next?
The sea was simmering. Soon it would boil and rage along with the wind and rain. He could hear it sliding up the slipway toward him, tempting him to take those first few steps. He edged forward and lay back. He wouldn’t take those steps, he would allow the ocean to take him away instead.
It felt like an eternity had passed but he heard the wave break and for the first time felt it slip up his jeans and sting his flesh. Christ, it was cold. As cold as it had been on that day. It slid away but the next one rose higher, then the waves broke on his feet and tried to snatch him away. It would come soon. The wave in the series that was braver and fiercer than the others. The one that destroyed sandcastles and made families run up the beach clutching their blankets and flasks. It would come and drag him away. It was always looking for the opportunity to do just that. The ocean didn’t care who it was.
As the water crept up his body, the shivers and aches started to force groans from him. But as the first draft of salt water entered his mouth, his voice was silenced. He closed his eyes. It was coming and Ollie would be safe.
The power of the wave shocked him and his first instinct was to fight against it. To grab onto the concrete with his fingernails and stop it dragging him under, to stop it dragging him away from his wife, from his son and from Joe. But he knew that wasn’t how things were supposed to be. He was to give himself freely.
A second wave crashed against him and he knew he’d not been dragged but shoved sideways. It would be the same place as he had fallen all those years ago. He would hold onto life for as long as he could. He wouldn’t take that breath that filled his lungs with water yet but he wouldn’t fight its arrival. There was a symmetry here, wasn’t there? An awful symmetry that seemed to be written somewhere in fate. And yet where was she to witness it? Where was she to witness what she had so long fought for? Where was she to say those words: I can see you.
His head collided with something but the pain paled beside the freezing ache in his bones. Where was she? Where was...?
He felt his body being dragged upwards and his shoulder almost popped from its socket. This was the end. He opened his mouth to take that final breath.
“Get out of there you stupid bastard!” His body was slung onto the concrete and he opened his eyes.
Joe was looking down at him.
“Granddad?”
“You stupid bugger. What the bloody hell do you think you’re doing?” He felt a kick in his ribs. “You’re not going to leave that little boy without a daddy. I won’t allow it.” He kicked him again. From somewhere, Joe had summoned enough strength to drag him out and was now beating him up.
“Look at you! Just bloody look at you!” Joe kicked him again but this time there was hardly any strength in it.
Chris lay stunned. He’d been plucked out of the ocean for the second time in his life but it looked like Joe might kill him anyway.
“But it’s the only way... I don’t know what to do.”
Joe grabbed his t-shirt and wrenched him upright. “Well neither do I but I know this isn’t it. I ought to thrash the living daylights out of you and I still might.” He shoved him up the slipway.
“Where are we going?” he asked.
“Pendeen. You’re going to Pendeen.”
Chapter 21
Joe berated him all the way back from Hawk’s Cove. He slapped him around the back of the head a couple of times to emphasise his point too. Chris had never seen Joe lose his temper before but he well and truly blew his top this time. He couldn’t remember hearing him swear either but every other word was a profanity.
Had it been such a stupid idea? There seemed to be this underlying symmetry about it all. Pat never had kids – through never finding a partner or through choice, Chris couldn’t say – but maybe he knew what having a child would do to him. He’d witnessed it first hand in his dad though, that was for sure.
Chris pulled the car up outside Joe’s cottage. His head was aching, in fact his entire body was throbbing, from the sea and the beating from Joe.
“Why has she never come for you? Why me, why Ollie? We’re not to blame for this. Dad, Pat and you were. Not us.” Now Chris was warming up, he was getting angry too.
“It wasn’t the sea burial we gave her,” said Joe. “It was something that happened whilst only they were there. Something they did. What I did will be judged later but what they did, that’s what she’s mad about. You need to go up there and make amends.” Joe grabbed the back of his neck. “And that doesn’t mean throwing yourself in the drink. Got that?”
Chris tried to nod but Joe’s grip was strong. “And you’ll look after Ollie and Lou?”
“And so will my Lizzy.”
“They don’t need to know about what just happened, do they?”
Joe released his hold and opened the door. “Not from me they don’t.”
He slammed the door and walked inside. The lights in the kitchen were on and as Chris drove away, there was a fleeting glimpse of Ollie at the window. He slammed his palm into his forehead.
“Stupid, stupid bastard.” Nobody was touching his son.
*
The lighthouse beacon was visible long before he turned off the main road. It winked at him every four seconds to show him the way. He had no idea what he was going to do once he got there, what he was supposed to do. But Joe was right, this was where he had to be.
He looked at the light as it swung over the ocean. “I can see you,” he whispered. And in the back of his mind, an answer was given. And I can see you.
He stopped on the grassy bank and left the engine running. The car’s lights lit up a sheet of heavy rain as it fell on the coast. It seemed to be raining sideways as the wind whipped it through the headlights. Joe was right about the weather, he always was, and the storm was upon them. Upon them all.
He touched the door handle and paused. His phone was still in the dashboard holder and as soon as he swiped his finger across the screen, his last unsent message was still there. The cursor blinked as he deleted the five words. He stuffed it in his pocket and climbed out. Nobody need know about what he tried to do.
The wind took the door from his grip and slammed it for him. It had been strong down at Hawk’s but it was nothing in comparison to this. His clothes were already wet, the wind drove them onto his body and stuck them in place like glue.
“What do you want?” he yelled. “Come on, what do you want?”
He stood at the top of the bank and put his hand on the lighthouse perimeter wall. There was nothing, just the scream of the wind and the roar of the ocean. He had to go down. He had to go and find the place Joe had described, whether or not his head and stomach told him that it was a bad idea. They hadn’t said that when he was lying on the slipway at Hawk’s Cove an hour ago though, so if he couldn’t trust them, what was left? Instinct.
That was all that was left. Blind instinct.
He gripped the wall and took a few steps down the bank before he slipped and rolled the rest of the way. The sound of the ocean grew closer and closer until he managed to sink his hands into the dirt to hold himself steady. His injured hand screamed in agony and he let the pain come out of his mouth in a great torrent of expletives. The words were carried away in an instant.
He got to his feet. Rain was dripping from his nose and running into his mouth, and he could taste blood. The rusted fence posts were still there; if nobody had fixed them by now, they never would. He stepped closer and looked over the edge. It made his stomach lurch at the sight of the spitting waves below.
He followed the wall round until he was in the meadow. Joe, Pat and his dad had all stood in this place and decided what they were going to do with Carol. The thought of it was enough to make him angry.
“You took the drugs! It wasn’t their fault!” His voice was nothing to the forces of nature that were happening around him.
He ran across the meadow, with no idea where he was going or what he would find. “They were sorry, and they’ve paid for what they did. Please, please Carol.”
He tripped and fell to the ground “And I’m sorry, for what they did.” He banged his hands into the earth sending another ripple of pain through his arm. “I’m sorry!”
At that moment, it was as the world had been told to shh. The waves stopped roaring and the wind stopped screaming and all that was left were four words.
“I can see you.”
It was as clear as anything he’d ever heard. It shook him to the core, as it had done each and every time the words had been uttered. He fumbled in his pocket and found his phone. It had a torch on it and he pressed the button to switch it on.
