by Kim Watters
Moments later, she hurried across the pavement, her steps keeping tempo with her heartbeat as she followed behind the paramedics pushing the stretcher carrying Ethan and the man in dark green scrubs pushing Cameron in the wheelchair. The door snicked open and she stepped inside the foyer; the odor of antiseptic filled her nostrils. Another wave of nausea hit her.
A woman looked up from her clipboard. “Please take Cameron Stanwyck to Room 1 and Ethan Pellegrino to Room 7.”
Hesitation racked her as Holly glanced between her son and a now-conscious Ethan. She needed to be there for both of them, but how could she be in two rooms at once? Ethan refused to meet her gaze, though, and her heart cried out as he was wheeled away in the opposite direction. He had shut her out.
Holly followed Cameron.
“Is he allergic to anything?” the nurse asked as she transferred Cam to the hospital bed.
“No. No allergies that I’m aware of.” Still running on adrenaline and fear, Holly moved to Cam’s side and pushed the hair off his forehead. She caught her lip between her teeth again. How small and fragile he looked, seemingly lost among the white sheets in the adult-size hospital bed. And scared.
“I’m going to give him some morphine for the pain. Is that okay?”
“Fine.” Wanting to give the nurse some space, Holly sank down in the chair opposite the bed. Now that they were at the hospital, she acknowledged the pounding behind her eyelids and that her stomach had twisted into knots until she thought she was going to taste what remained of her lunch.
How was Ethan doing? Was his head wound serious? Did he suffer any other injuries? She clenched her hands and bit down hard enough to taste blood, staring at the heart-monitoring machine when the nurse inserted the IV for a morphine drip into Cameron’s left arm.
“Hi.” An older man in a white lab coat entered the room. “I’m Doctor Hill. Let’s see what we have here.” He went straight to the bed and examined Cam’s arm. “Yep, I’d say it’s broken. Now, how did you happen to do this?”
After listening to the story, he pulled a small flashlight from his pocket and looked into Cameron’s eyes. “Good. No concussion. We’re going to take a few X-rays, young man, and then I’m going to set it. Then you can get out of here when the snow lets up, but no roughhousing for a while.”
A few moments later, another staff member came in. Holly held the hand on Cam’s unbroken arm as they wheeled the bed into another room.
“Okay, Mom, you’re going to need to stand behind that wall with the window while I’m taking the pictures.” The woman in the dark blue scrubs motioned to her left.
“Cam, I need to go check on Ethan.” Holly squeezed her son’s hand. She didn’t want to leave her son, yet she had to know how badly Ethan was hurt. “Will you be okay?”
Cam nodded.
“Are you sure?”
“Mom.”
“I’ll be right back, then.” She kissed Cam on the forehead and then retreated from the room.
Holly’s heart fluttered as she made short work of the distance between the rooms. There was nothing she could do for her son right now, and she needed to know that Ethan was going to be okay. He’d taken the brunt force of the crash and looked as if he’d lost a fair amount of blood. She glanced down at the dark red drops staining the sleeve of her jacket. Ethan’s blood. Another sob wedged its way into her throat. He had to be okay. She couldn’t lose him, too.
“Hi.” Holly knocked as she peeked into Ethan’s room. Aside from the large bandage covering the wound on his forehead and being slightly pale, he looked good. Better than good. He was alive. “How are you feeling?”
“Like I got hit by a brick building.”
“Funny. Very funny. Glad to see you didn’t lose your sense of humor.” Holly wedged her hands onto her hips and strode to the bed. “You gave us quite a scare back there, mister.”
“How’s Cameron’s arm?”
“They’re taking X-rays right now and then the doctor is going to set it. What about you?”
He stared at a spot behind her shoulder. “So far just the cut, but they’re going to keep me here for a few more hours to do more tests.”
Holly’s stomach flip-flopped again. Was there something going on that he wasn’t telling her about? She searched his self-loathing expression. “Quit blaming yourself, Ethan. You kept us as safe as you could. The accident wasn’t your fault. In fact, it could have been a lot worse. What if the other driver had T-boned us?”
“It doesn’t matter. I failed in my duty.” His gaze shifted back to hers, yet she knew he didn’t see her but the horrific scene from all those months ago that replayed in his mind. Anguish and pain distorted the features that she’d come to love.
“No, you didn’t.” Holly refused to back down. “This isn’t your fault.” She reached out and touched him, ran her palms across his face. The day’s growth on his jawline was rough yet welcoming as she pressed her lips against his, trying to push away their nightmares.
He turned his head. “Allow me some dignity, Holly. This was all my fault. I can’t keep anyone safe. Tell Cameron I can’t have him out at the sanctuary anymore. You, either.”
* * *
“Here, take this. How’re you feeling?” Holly handed Cam the painkiller and a glass of water later that night. She sat down on the side of the bed and pushed away his bangs again.
“My arm hurts.”
“Well, that’s only to be expected. The painkiller from the hospital is starting to wear off, but what I just gave you should kick in soon.”
“I’m sorry, Mom.” Cam sat up in bed and hugged her as best he could with his good arm. Emotion laced his voice. “I was only trying to be helpful. If I hadn’t fallen, I wouldn’t have broken my arm and then we wouldn’t have had to go to the hospital and Mr. P. would be okay.”
“Of course you were trying to be helpful, sweetie.” The endearment slipped out, but Cameron didn’t seem to mind, even though he’d been embarrassed lately when she showed him any affection. She held him close and rested her cheek on the top of his head. “Ethan is going to be okay. He simply had a cut on his forehead and they were keeping him for a bit to make sure there was nothing else wrong.”
“But if I hadn’t broken my arm—”
“Shh. It was an accident. It could have happened anytime, anywhere. Accidents happen.”
Accidents happen.
There was nothing Ethan could have done to prevent what happened today, just as she realized there was nothing she could have done two years earlier. Too bad Ethan didn’t believe that. He was still consumed by a past that refused to release its grip.
No longer would she allow her past to continue to rule her life. She’d had a taste of happiness again and so had Cam. She was also sure that Ethan had felt it, too. Ethan. His image rose in her mind’s eye. The caring and compassionate man had become a part of both her and Cam’s lives. Maybe she could help him. If he’d let her. Which wasn’t going to happen in the immediate future.
Giving her son one last gentle squeeze, she held him away from her and steadied herself for her next words. “But just like you, Ethan is having a hard time with what happened tonight. He doesn’t want you out at the sanctuary anymore.”
“Just until my permanent cast is on, right?”
How could she explain this when she didn’t really understand the reasons herself? “No. You won’t be going back at all. It’s what he wants and we have to respect his wishes.” She leaned down and kissed him on the forehead, hating to have to be the one to break the bad news to her son. “Good night.”
Cam shrugged out of her grasp and hugged the covers to his chest, his expression laced with pain, disappointment and denial.
She left Cameron’s room and lifted her gaze heavenward, staring at the ceiling before closing her eyes and breathing deeply.
I get it now, Lord. I understand. You give and You take away. Let go. She had a lot of letting go to do. God knew what He was doing. By shutting the window, He was opening a door for her. She had to be ready to accept the new phase in her life by shedding the past and allowing a future into her heart. Pastor Matt was right. She had enough room in her heart to love a lot of people, Ethan included.
Her memories spun back to earlier that day when they cut down the Christmas trees, and she smiled.
Metamorphosis.
That was what she needed. In her life with Jared she’d been a caterpillar. When he’d died, she’d formed a cocoon and hid from the world. Now she was ready to break free from the chrysalis and start over as a new person.
Peace settled across her shoulders. She knew what she had to do. She didn’t know what the future held for her, but she had to be ready to grasp it when it came.
* * *
“Cam?” Holly knocked on her son’s door at six o’clock. He should be up by now. “Wake up. How are you feeling? You should be going to school in just over an hour.”
No sound came from behind the door. Her stomach muscles clenched, upsetting the cup of coffee and yogurt she’d taken at breakfast.
“Cam? Come on, honey, it’s time to wake up.” She turned the handle, stepped across the threshold and flipped on the light switch.
Her son’s bed was empty.
And not just empty; it looked as if Cam hadn’t even tossed and turned in it last night. Sagging against the door frame, disbelief then terror ignited her blood. “Not funny, Cam. Where are you?”
As if her feet moved independently of her body, she entered the room and pulled back the sheets. Nothing. Not that she expected to see him without the telltale lump, yet her fingers ran up and down the cold fabric. She searched his closet, pushing his clothing aside, his old karate equipment, and even rummaged through the plastic bin of old cars. Then she checked every room in the house. Staggering back to his bedroom, she grasped the back of the chair to his desk and toppled it, daring to hope he’d wedged himself underneath.
Nothing.
“Cam? Please don’t do this to me.” She crawled back to the bed, tears ravaging her cheeks as she lifted the bed skirt and stared into the inky void. Not even Figaro hid in his favorite spot. In a vain attempt to find her son, she stretched out her arm and swept the area, only coming up with a few stray socks and one of his old Cub Scout T-shirts. She buried her face in the cotton. Cameron had run away.
Hoping that they’d released Ethan from the hospital last night, Holly grabbed her phone, her fingers stumbling across the buttons three times before she managed to dial his number. Cam had to be with him. He had to be, although she had no idea how he’d walk all the way across town in the dark. Clutching the phone like a lifeline, Holly clenched her other fist and pounded her knuckles against her forehead. “Answer the phone, Ethan. Please, answer the phone.”
Her stomach clenched with each ring and her teeth worried her bottom lip. Maybe Ethan was outside with the dogs? Maybe he didn’t realize that Cameron was supposed to be getting ready for school? Maybe they never released him and something far more serious was wrong with him? More panic twisted her emotions.
By the time his voice mail picked up, she’d already circled her kitchen twice. Holly hung up and reached for her winter jacket thrown across the kitchen chair. She had to do something.
Darkness pressed against the kitchen window. From outside, the sound of the wind chimes on her back porch echoed in her brain as she shoved her arms through the sleeves. Adrenaline spurred her out the door. Cold enveloped her in its icy grasp and her foot stumbled on the bottom step, but she continued to her car. After she rubbed her chilled, damp hands against her jacket, her fingers shook as she jammed the keys into the ignition.
Fifteen minutes later, Ethan answered the door as soon as she knocked. He looked good—really good— despite the accident last night. A bandage covered the cut on his forehead, but other than that, he showed no other signs of trauma. “Holly? Is everything okay? I tried to call you back but there was no answer. You didn’t answer your cell phone, either.”
Instead of soothing her, it set off another chain reaction of emotions. Holly bit back another sob. She must have left her cell phone on her nightstand. What if Cam was trying to call her? More fear gripped her lungs, making it impossible to breathe. The first time she opened her mouth, nothing came out. The second time, she managed a squeak. “Is Cam here?”
Ethan ran his fingers through his hair, instant concern etching deeper lines around his mouth and eyes. “No. Why?” Realization dawned in his eyes. Ethan pulled her to him and cradled her as if it were the most natural thing in the world. “I’m sorry. This is my fault. You told him what I said, didn’t you?” He kissed the top of her head. “We’ll find him, Holly. I promise. We’ll find him. And I know just where to look.”
* * *
Stepping in behind Holly, Ethan wedged the door to the barn closed with his shoulder and shut out the biting wind. He knew Cameron was here; the footprints in the snow didn’t lie. He just had to find him. With a flick of his finger, the lone lightbulb in the center of the room illuminated all but the corners of the large space. He stomped his feet to remove the snow and rubbed his gloveless hands together. Despite being on the inside, he saw his breath. This place still wasn’t ready for the dogs—or the twelve-year-old boy hiding somewhere inside.
Cameron. This time his words had put another life in danger. But he could fix that when he found the boy.
As he thought of decorating the Christmas tree at Holly’s house yesterday, memories rushed through his mind—the laughter, the friendship, the love. All the times they’d spent together held special meaning for him. Ethan grasped the reality of the situation. He loved the boy like his own. He loved the boy’s mother.
Determination filled him. God had granted him a new day and another chance. This time he would seize the opportunity and not fail.
In the corner past the row of assembled dog kennels, Ethan saw the pile of blankets and towels that the church had donated. Amid the greens, browns and tans, he spotted an unusual lump in the center.
“This way.” He grabbed Holly’s hand and pulled her with him. With his heart beating a tad bit more than normal, Ethan made short work of the space between them. Cameron’s pale face was a sharp contrast to the black beanie hat and the dark brown blanket covering him.
“Cam.” Holly gasped in relief, sank to her knees and then reached out to touch her son.
At the same time, Ethan squatted and gently shook the boy’s shoulder. “Wake up, Cameron. Your mom is worried sick about you.”
After a few moments, Cameron woke up and glanced between them with a worried, nervous look. “Mr. P.? Mom? You’re here?” He tried to dig himself deeper into the pile, his scared gaze never leaving Ethan’s face. “My mom said you didn’t want me out here anymore. Did you mean it?”
The saliva fled Ethan’s mouth, making talking difficult. What could he say when the words were true? He stared at the stricken look etched into the boy’s features. In Ethan’s preoccupation with himself and his own feelings, he hadn’t thought about Cameron’s. Just like he’d only thought about himself and blaming himself for what happened in Afghanistan.
Let go, let God. It was about time he started not just listening to the words, but living them, too. “I’ve been saying and feeling a lot of things, and I thought it for the best after the accident yesterday. I’m sorry if I hurt you, but your mother spoke the truth.”
“Then you don’t want me out here? You don’t need my help anymore?” Cameron’s bottom lip shook as he clutched the blanket to his throat.
Ethan stilled. Help? He needed a lot of help. He couldn’t do it alone. He never could. God was always with him and He always made sure that His children had what they needed. Sometimes it just took them
time to figure that out. “That was yesterday. Today is a different story. You don’t think I can handle this all by myself, do you?”
Cameron shook his head, hope blazing in his eyes.
Ethan stood and held out his hand to help Holly to her feet before he reached out for Cameron. “How did you get all the way out here?”
Wide eyes stared back at him. “I hitchhiked. I told the man that I’d run away from home and wanted to get back. He dropped me off at the end of the driveway.”
“Cam!” Beside him, Holly gasped and stiffened.
Ethan wrapped his arm around the boy’s shoulders and squeezed, careful of his broken arm. Things happened, despite all the precautions. There was no way he could have prevented the accident any more than what happened in Afghanistan. Peace finally settled within him. “We’ll talk about the dangers of hitchhiking later. Right now we need to get you to a warmer place before you catch pneumonia. And if it’s all right with your mom, there are some dogs that need some attention this afternoon.”
* * *
After Cameron went to bed later that night, Holly pulled the old banker’s box from where she’d hidden it in her closet. Sadness and anticipation filled her. Without opening it, she carried it downstairs, placed it on the coffee table and then rubbed her hands against her jeans. She knelt, sank back onto her heels and then scratched Figaro under his chin. “Well, Figgy. Here we go. Are you ready?” Her cat rubbed the top of his head against her palm. She hadn’t looked inside in a couple of years. After Jared died, she hadn’t had the heart to set it out that Christmas.
All because of her inability to let go of her husband and let someone else get close to her and her son. Jared was dead and nothing would bring him back. She’d made peace with that. So what was keeping her from admitting her love for Ethan?
Fear.
Because letting someone else into her life opened up the possibilities of losing him as she’d lost Jared. Except there were no guarantees in life. This year, she’d found the courage, thanks to Ethan.
