“What do you mean, I don’t measure up to a dead person?” “At least Raul has imagination. I try to spice things up, and you get all upset.” “You attacked me with an ax!” I protested. “And you cut it off!” “Oh poo, that was just foreplay. Don’t you believe in foreplay? No of course not. A girl has to have her foreplay. That’s why I had to let you go.”
“Stop! I’ve heard enough about you and Raul. Tell Miranda that continued citizenship after death requires certain responsibilities, including duty to country. Legion service fills that responsibility nicely. Tell Miranda we have an agreement.”
“That sounds like a threat,” commented Janice. “I will tell Raul, but you would be wise to be more cautious. Ever been haunted?”
* * * * *
Desperate for recruits, I roamed Cemetery City, hoping to establish contacts. Networking is a salesman’s best friend. I started with those I already knew, visiting Bertha Butt and the Butt sisters.
“Put your palm on my pad, and I’ll show you what you can do with enlistment papers,” answered Bertha Butt sweetly.
“No, thank you,” I replied, sensing the virtual ‘close encounter of the heavy kind’ would not go well for me. “Do you have any friends or relatives who might want to join the Legion?”
“Hell will freeze over before that happens,” advised Bertha. “Have you seen Shaky Jake? He promised to be here by now. My sisters and I miss him so much.”
“Sergeant Green has him out painting tombstones with rust repellant. I’m sure he’ll be along anytime.” “That’s ridiculous,” groused Bertha. “Our memorials don’t rust.” “See? It works. Besides, it’s a Legion tradition. If it don’t move, paint it.” “Tell Tyrone he can come by anytime too. We can all interface!” “I’ll do that,” I promised, scanning tombstones as I left.
* * * * *
Finally I found a potential recruit. First Sergeant Arthur Mendoza. Died during the Disneyland Prison Riot. I pressed his activation button.
“What the hell do you want?” asked Sergeant Mendoza’s brain imprint memorial. “They should never allow tourists in here. At least you’re not one of those goddamned civilians!”
“Captain Norris sent me to enlist recruits into the Foreign Legion. You know Captain Norris? He is the ranking officer in Cemetery City. So, feel like you might want to re-up?”
“Norris! That’s the fool who got me killed in the first place! Where’s he at? I’ll kill him for free!” “Captain Norris is already dead,” I explained. “He’s a Hero of the Legion, and a brain imprint memorial just like you.” “Hero of the Legion, my ass!” fumed Sergeant Mendoza. “Link me to that fool, and I’ll kill him twice!” “Can that me done?” I asked, alarmed. “Can one imprint kill another imprint?” “Put me in the same room with Norris, and we’ll find out,” suggested Sergeant Mendoza. “I’ll rip off his head and shit down his neck!”
“I am signing you up for anger management counseling and a diagnostics check-up,” I advised. “Obviously you weren’t screened properly for psychological issues needing to be resolved.”
“I don’t need no namby-pamby touchy-feely counseling!” “Your purpose, or mission, is to comfort loved ones. You seem a bit off track.” “Comfort this!” “With your unresolved angst, I’m surprised you’re not a ghost.” “I’m surprised too. If I was a ghost, I would hunt that fool Norris down to the ends of the galaxy. Nowhere would be safe from my haunting. Where is he?”
“Captain Norris is at my office.”
“Bring Norris to me, and I’ll consider reenlisting,” suggested Sergeant Mendoza. “I know other potential recruits who would like to reach out and interface with Norris too. It will be one big party.”
“Others might enlist?” I asked, excited. “Fantastic! I’ll set it up.”
“Everyone will be there. The more the merrier!”
* * * * *
I lugged Captain Norris’s tombstone imprint memorial up the hill to the ‘dead end’ street where Mendoza and his friends rested. I leaned Norris against Mendoza, pressing both activation buttons at the same time. Sparks arced into the night air, attracting the attention of other legionnaires. They came running to investigate.
“What is going on here?” demanded Corporal Tonelli. “Can’t I leave you alone one minute without you causing trouble? Why are those tombstones leaning like that. Are they broken? Do you have any idea how much those things cost?”
“It’s Sergeant Mendoza and Captain Norris,” I explained. “They’re fighting. They’re having a grudge match.”
“Who is winning?” asked Sergeant Green, just arriving. “I’d like to see that fight. I’ll bet a thousand dollars on Mendoza!”
“You will lose your money!” announced Captain Norris, indignantly. “I am trained in all the latest martial arts, including Karate, Tae Kwon Do, Legion Offensive Tactics, and Martian Death Strikes. My whole body is one finely tuned killing machine!”
Your fancy fighting don’t mean shit!” replied Sergeant Mendoza. “Bring it on, bendaho!”
“How come we can’t see what’s happening?” asked Tonelli. “This could be good.”
“What if one of them dies?” asked Sergeant Green, having second thoughts, but still waving his thousand dollars. “You should have thought about that before you put those two together.”
“I was trying to meet recruitment quotas,” I explained. Tonelli separated the two tombstones, causing the sparking to stop. The smell of metallic burn still hung in the air. “Good thing he pulled me off your sorry ass!” shouted Sergeant Mendoza. “I was about to finish you off!” “In your dreams!” replied Captain Norris. “The only thing you can finish with that pot belly of yours is breakfast, lunch, and dinner!”
“Guido, why did you pull them apart?” asked Sergeant Green. “It was just getting good. That punk Norris is way overdue to get his ass kicked.”
“No illiterate NCO is going to kick my ass!” interrupted Captain Norris. “I graduated tops in my class from West Point!”
“If we can’t see the fight, what’s the point,” answered Tonelli, ignoring Norris. “Think of the money we could make selling tickets to see them fight – if we could actually see the fight. Think of the gambling profits.”
“I still have a thousand dollars that says Mendoza can take Norris any day,” advised Sergeant Green, waving a fist full of bills at the growing crowd of legionnaires.
“That is a great idea!” said Captain Norris. “Put the fight on TV so the whole galaxy can watch me beat down this unwashed ruffian peasant!”
“I don’t think Colonel Czerinski would go for it,” I commented. “We’re supposed to be recruiting brain imprint memorials, not setting up fights.”
“You let me worry about Czerinski,” advised Tonelli. “Czerinski will come on board once I figure out how to fix the fight. He always bets on a sure thing.”
“The hype and publicity might be a huge boost for recruiting,” I added, thoughtfully calculating figures and strategies. “I think you might be on to something.”
“An officer’s honor will not allow throwing a fight to the likes of Mendoza!” announced Captain Norris.
“I will enjoy cutting you and watching you bleed,” threatened Sergeant Mendoza. “West Point fool!”
“Knock it off!” ordered Tonelli. “Remember, I can unplug you both anytime I want, and ship you to recycling. But because we’re all one big family, brothers of the Legion, I’ll make you a deal you can’t refuse.”
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Chapter 16
Corporal Tonelli insisted on doing most of the talking when we met with Colonel Czerinski at his office.
“We can make a lot of money on this fight,” urged Guido. “I guarantee intergalactic publicity, and a fortune in advertising commissions.”
“I don’t want intergalactic publicity,” responded Colonel Czerinski. “We are in an arms race with the spiders to develop AI weapons, and I have the CIA breathing
down my neck on this project. I don’t need theater for TV.”
“The publicity would be great for recruitment,” I added. “The AIs want guarantees of equal rights. This fight will help the public to accept them as equals.”
“This from a man who shoved Captain Norris in a locker?” asked Colonel Czerinski. “You don’t believe your own words. Why should I?”
“There is a learning curve that even I am adapting to when it comes to accepting new technologies and concepts,” I explained. “AIs are real. Norris just has a way of pissing people off.”
“Don’t worry about it,” advised Colonel Czerinski. “I don’t like the idea of machines ordering us around either. But two imprints fighting? What were you thinking? Is this going to be a death match or what?”
“The fight will be billed as a grudge match,” advised Guido. “New Memphis odds makers and bookies are already making Sergeant Mendoza the prohibitive favorite.”
“Who do you think will win?” asked Colonel Czerinski.
“I haven’t decided yet,” replied Guido. “I still need to talk to Mendoza about that. You know Mendoza. He was a reasonable man when he was alive. I think we can do business if his temper doesn’t get in the way.”
“I’ll talk to Mendoza myself,” advised Colonel Czerinski. “We go way back. What about Norris?” “Norris was an idiot,” replied Guido. “I expect no more from his imprint. Maybe I can mess with his electronics or something.” “You can’t be serious about fixing a fight that might have an intergalactic audience!” I exclaimed. “What if you get caught?” “We will not get caught,” replied Colonel Czerinski testily. “You will be the referee to make sure everything goes right!” “Referee? What do I know about death matches or grudge matches or whatever? I don’t even like violence. I am only in the Legion because I owed that ATM money!”
“Welcome to the club,” Colonel Czerinski snarled. “You better read up on full contact fighting real quick, because it will be your ass if anything in the ring goes wrong. Play this right, and your money worries are ancient history.”
* * * * *
The spider commander marched into Colonel Czerinski’s office to present the colonel with a warrant of arrest for three counts of murder. The warrant was for Raul Miranda, signed by the Governor of the North Territory.
“Raul Miranda is dead,” explained Colonel Czerinski. “Miranda and his family were massacred by you spiders years ago. This is outrageous!”
“This warrant authorizes me to exhume Miranda for interrogation,” insisted the spider commander.
“Interrogate bones? How are you going to do that? There is no way I will allow Miranda to be exhumed in violation of the peace treaty.”
“This cemetery is located inside Imperial territory.”
“The Blue Rock National Cemetery is jointly administered, and sovereignty is shared. That means you can not dig up USGF citizens without USGF permission!”
“I am taking Miranda whether you approve or not,” advised the spider commander, tossing a copy of the warrant at Czerinski and storming out. “I have a court order, and national security is at stake.”
“No spider will dig up human graves!” shouted Colonel Czerinski, pressing an alarm button under his desk. “Who do you think you are?”
* * * * *
The entire Legion Honor Guard, myself included, was rousted out of the barracks and deployed around the Miranda plot.
“How dare they try to take my beloved Raul,” sobbed Janice. “Have those spiders no sense of decency, disturbing the dead like this?”
I did not immediately reply as I quietly watched a column of spider tanks roll up the hill. “Now would be a good time for Raul to do his little sandstorm trick,” I suggested. “We don’t have enough legionnaires to stop them. Where the hell is Miranda?”
“Raul went out for a walk!” cried Janice. “He mentioned something about messing with all those Blue Lizards for leaving guano on his tombstone and eating my flowers.”
“It’s about time someone decided to do something about those pests,” I agreed, tossing a rock at a lizard as it sniffed at flowers on the edge of the plot.
I turned and saw Colonel Czerinski and Mr. Depoli confronting the lead spider tank. I picked up my rifle and aimed it at the spiders like the rest of the troops, in anticipation of the worst.
“Greetings!” called out Mr. Depoli. “Take me to your leader!”
“Move aside or risk being squashed!” ordered a spider team leader. “We are here to serve a legal warrant of arrest on the human pestilence Miranda!”
“It is my considered legal opinion that you may not seize the remains of Raul Miranda, as to do so violates treaty,” advised Depoli. “Raul Miranda recently enlisted in the United States Galactic Federation Foreign Legion, and per treaty cannot be extradited without presidential approval.”
“Miranda is dead,” argued the spider team leader, and lacks the legal capacity to join your Legion. He is buried on Imperial territory, and I am digging him up, pursuant to the arrest warrant.”
“I will call in air support,” threatened Colonel Czerinski. “You know I will. I’ve done it before!”
The spider team leader closed the hatch on his tank, gunned the engines, and pushed past Czerinski and Depoli. “Halt!” I ordered, as the tank reached our position.
“Do not interfere,” warned the spider team leader as dozens of spiders followed. Sergeant Green clanked his scythe against the turret of the spider tank. “You don’t know who you’re messing with!” he yelled. “There are dangerous spirits up here!” Sergeant Green looked about, hoping Miranda would show up with another sandstorm. Nothing happened. “It figures. That fool is AWOL, his first day on the job!”
The spiders ignored Green and quickly dug up Miranda and his family.
“I will be filing a lawsuit!” threatened Depoli. “It is a violation of treaty to dig up Raul Miranda, and your arrest warrant did not state anything about Raul’s family.”
“They are accessories and material witnesses,” assured the spider team leader. “It’s all legal.”
“This is desecration of the dead!”
“Of the dead?” asked the spider team leader, triumphantly. “You know as well as I do that we are not dealing with the dead. We are dealing with the undead. But unlike you human pestilence, we of the Empire have experience with such unholy matters!”
As if on cue, spider marines separated the Miranda family bones into small bags, crushing larger bones and skulls under treads. They loaded the bagged remains into different vehicles and drove off in different directions.
“Now the energy fields of your human pestilence ghosts are dispersed, rendering them harmless,” explained the spider commander, gloating. “It was pure folly of you human pestilence to think you can control ghosts. I actually did you a favor by getting rid of Miranda. Ha! So much for your secret weapon!”
“You bastard!” screamed Janice.
“Turn that thing off!” ordered the spider commander. The spider team leader immediately deactivated Janice. “Which reminds me. Guido! I want to place a half million credits on Sergeant Mendoza! Can you cover that much action?”
“Yes, sir,” answered Corporal Tonelli, stepping forward to take the swipe of the spider commander’s card on his pad. “I can handle all the action you spiders bring.”
* * * * *
The spider team leader parked his tank at a remote desert location to dispose of his share of Miranda remains. He smoked a human pestilence Marlboro cigarette as other spider marines dug a small slit trench for the bones. Marlboros are one of the few things the human pestilence do right, thought the team leader as he watched marines pour gasoline over the crushed bones. He took one more drag, then flicked the cigarette butt into the trench, lighting it up.
Suddenly, a two foot long Blue Lizard leapt from the high grass at the team leader’s face, biting at his mandibles. The team leader frantically swatted the pest away
with his claw. Two more Blue Lizards attacked, leaping through the air. Spider marines fired shots as still more lizards attacked.
The team leader jumped up on his tank to escape, Blue Lizards still clinging to his back. He swatted Blue Lizards off fellow marines as they fled down hatches. Sealed safely inside, they stomped several Blue lizards to death that had made it inside.
“What the Hell was that all about?” asked the tank driver, staring out a portal. Even now, they could hear hundreds of Blue Lizards scurrying about on the outside. He started the engines. “It’s like they were possessed.”
“We must have been caught in a Blue Lizard stampede,” speculated the spider team leader as he swiveled the turret around, firing the machine gun. He also set off mounted grenade launchers. “Maybe it’s mating season?”
“Do you want me to report the attack?” asked the tank driver. “This is so odd.”
“There is nothing to report,” replied the team leader. “What would you say? That we killed several hundred Blue Lizards? They’re a protected species. I don’t have so much money that I can afford to pay the fines. Do you?”
“No, sir.” “No one would believe us, anyway.” “Yes, sir.”
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Chapter 17
Captain Norris and Sergeant Mendoza walked amicably to the barn, each carrying a duck and a chicken. They placed the nervous fowl on a loft window ledge. One at a time, each bird was pushed off. Both fluttered safely to the ground as Mendoza and Norris watched.
“I like it here,” commented Mendoza. “It’s peaceful.”
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