“Madeline—”
“I like to be called Maddie,” she corrected me.
“Okay, Maddie, we’ll talk more later. Right now I need to go.” And with that I walked into my Carter’s room and sat against the still-red wall and cried.
Blake came home a few minutes later and found me there, sobbing.
I was furious with him. “When did you do all of this? And why didn’t you tell me?”
He stood at the door, not sure what to do. All he did was step in. “I thought it would be easier on you if I took apart the room while you were at work.”
I pulled my knees up and held on to them for dear life. “You had no right to do that. Where are his things?”
“Jessica,” he said as he made his way toward me.
“Don’t come near me. Tell me what you did with my baby’s things.”
He stopped dead in his tracks and stared hard down at me. “He was my baby, too. And just because I know about Madeline now, it doesn’t lessen the pain of losing him for me.”
His words pierced me, and on top of my sadness I felt white-hot shame and lowered my head into my knees and cried into them. In my head, and even in my heart, I knew Blake wasn’t trying to hurt me and I knew he loved Carter. I would never forget the distraught look on his face when the nurse couldn’t find a heartbeat and she called for the doctor. I’ll never forget his tears as he held our lifeless baby.
Blake slid down the wall and seated himself next to me. I turned to him and he wasted no time putting his arm around me. “I put our baby’s things in the attic.”
“I’m sorry, Blake.”
He kissed the top of my head. “I should have told you before I moved everything out. I was trying to spare you some pain.”
“I know. Blake?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you ever think I’ll be okay? That we’ll be okay?”
“We haven’t killed each other yet.”
“I guess that’s something.” I almost laughed.
“It will all be okay.”
“You’re getting good at that line and lying to me.”
He pulled me closer. “I would never lie to you.”
I shook myself out of my thoughts and that moment and looked over at my truthful husband, driving with a purpose. It was like we couldn’t get to Salt Lake City fast enough. I couldn’t blame him, but I was okay with it taking a while.
I pulled the cozy mystery I had brought to read out of my bag. I wasn’t sure how much talking I could expect from my husband. Although we were talking more, he wasn’t a talkative guy and I knew he had a lot to think about. We weren’t only going to get Madeline. He had hired his own lawyer and was working on getting his name on her birth certificate and joint custody, and finalizing child support payments. He didn’t like to talk about it and, to be honest, I was fine with that.
I was a few chapters into my novel about a woman detective who just happened to be on vacation in Hawaii, when by happenstance a guest is murdered in the same hotel she is staying at and her love interest is a suspect. Silly, I know, but my mind appreciated the indulgence and the escape from real life. Oddly, the love interest was a quiet and mysteriously handsome man. No wonder I was drawn to the character. I glanced over at my own quiet significant other, who happened to look at me at the same time.
I smiled and tucked my hair behind my ear.
He somewhat smiled back and turned back to the road.
I turned back to my book.
“Hey, do you mind if we get our lunch to go when we stop in Grand Junction?”
“Oh. I guess.”
He glanced my way. “Does that not work for you?
“It’s just I promised Lexi she could show me around her new bistro.” We knew each other from culinary school and she had recently opened up this little bistro in the heart of Grand Junction.
“Can we do that on the way home? I’m anxious to get there.”
I shrugged. “Yeah, I’ll text her and let her know.” I pulled out my phone and texted my friend, who I was looking forward to seeing. I had looked at her website and the pictures were amazing—she had this whole chrome-and-steel look going for her place. She was gracious and said Friday would work for her just as well. I placed my phone back in my bag and went back to my book.
“Jess.”
“Yeah,” I answered into my book.
“Thank you.”
“For what?” I looked over to him.
“For coming and for trying.”
“My mom says there is no trying, only doing.”
I barely made out a grin on his face before he surprised me and reached over for my hand.
“Driving with only one hand. I thought you considered that dangerous?”
He tightened his hold of my hand. “I’m keeping us safe.”
I squeezed his hand in response.
“By the way, I noticed what you did to Madeline’s room. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. I couldn’t in good conscience leave the soccer ball comforter you picked out on her bed.”
“She said aqua and black were her favorite colors, and she likes soccer,” he responded defensively.
“The aqua colored walls are beautiful, but no girl wants a juvenile boy comforter.”
“I guess I’m learning about girls.”
“And women,” I threw in.
He squeezed my hand. “Yeah, those too. Anyway, the room looks perfect thanks to you. It means a lot to me, especially because I know how hard it must have been for you.”
Hard didn’t even come close to describing how it felt to walk into the newly decorated room. It was completely transformed. It wasn’t only the walls and furniture. Once upon a time that room was my haven, I would spend hours in there planning my baby’s life. Now the room felt … alive.
I really did want Maddie to feel comfortable, so I asked myself what Maria von Trapp would do. She would have made some bedding from some old curtains, but since I didn’t sew or have any old curtains lying around, I did the next best thing. I ordered the cutest crinkle voile black comforter with poms all over it, and some aqua and white throw pillows to match. I also bought some curtains that went perfectly with the ensemble and a few accessories for the new dresser and desk her dad had purchased her. It all went perfectly with the white picket fence headboard he had made her.
It looked like a room I would have liked when I was growing up.
“I’m going to do my best to be a good stepmother to her.”
“Jessica, I’ve never doubted that.”
“I’m glad one of us hasn’t.”
“I’m worried about being a good dad.”
“Well, you already have the spoiling part down.”
He let go of my hand and ran his fingers through his hair as if he was embarrassed by the categorization. “I’m trying not to be critical, but I don’t think Sabrina has provided her with a very good life.”
I wasn’t surprised. When I knew her, she barely seemed to be able to take care of herself. But I didn’t like thinking she didn’t take care of her child, my husband’s child. It made me wonder what was waiting for us when we arrived in Salt Lake City. I also couldn’t keep from wondering why it took her so long to contact Blake.
As we made our way into the Salt Lake Valley, I turned to my husband. “Remember this place?” I had very fond memories of this city. I would have never guessed we would be coming back here over thirteen years later with our marriage in a so-so place and on the verge of picking up Blake’s daughter that he fathered with Sabrina. I wanted to know who scripted out my life, because they kind of sucked at it—or they had watched way too many soap operas. But I tried to remember the good times we had there, like the mountain hikes and tubing down the river, the late night walks around the lake and talking until I had to leave for work. I don’t know how we ever lived on such little sleep, but it all seemed worth it at the time.
“Yeah,” he said offhandedly.
I forgot for a moment
who I was married to. Blake was neither sentimental nor romantic. I sighed softly.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“Nothing. I was just thinking that this is where we met and fell in love and we’ve never come back here together before now.”
“I didn’t know you wanted to,” he said blandly.
He wasn’t getting it. I was trying to reminisce and he was, well, being himself. I turned to look out the window as we cruised down I-15. I tried to count all the Mormon churches I could see. I’d never been in a place with so many churches.
We made our way silently to downtown Salt Lake City where Blake booked us at the Marriott across from the City Creek Center. That’s where I planned to spend my day tomorrow as Blake met with lawyers and signed paperwork. It was also close to the castle-looking Mormon temple, so I planned to take a walk around there and maybe take some pictures.
When we arrived at the hotel I was suddenly nervous. We hadn’t shared a room since April, and I was still having issues with my body. Blake offered to sleep on the pullout couch, but I felt terrible asking him to do that. And it seemed so dumb. We were married. And it’s not like I didn’t want to have physical contact with him. I found myself looking forward to the times when he held me or kissed me, but anything past that was still difficult. He wasn’t pushing. He was a gentleman, as always. He had always maintained that it was my body and my rules, but I felt … broken.
We checked into a beautiful suite with a mountain view. Even though we were surrounded by mountains where we lived, I never tired of looking at them. Besides, those mountains above Salt Lake City were where I spent the best months of my life. I stood at the window and breathed deeply. My life was about to change once again. We were going to finally become three instead of two, but it wasn’t in the way I wanted. My mother kept telling me it was going to be one of those blessing-in-disguise moments, but I still wasn’t sure about God or if any blessings were in store for me.
I wrapped my arms around myself at the same time Blake came from behind and wrapped his arms around me. He kissed my cheek softly. I barely felt the stubble from his own cheeks. “Are you ready for this?” he asked.
I shook my head no.
“Me, neither.”
“Ready or not, I guess. Right?”
“I said we would be there soon to pick them up for dinner.”
“Give me a minute to change and freshen up.” I felt gross after being in the car all day.
He let me go only to pull me back and kiss me hard once. His lips lingered and I felt a release of tension from him. “Jess, I love you,” he whispered.
“I know.” I wanted to say I love you back. Sometimes I even felt like I meant it. But I didn’t say it because there were still times when I felt anything but love toward him, and when I said it next I wanted him to know it was for real and for keeps. My mother disagreed with me on this course of action, but she wasn’t always right. “It will be okay,” I whispered. It was the best I could do.
“Are you lying?” he asked playfully.
“I would never lie to you.”
“I know.”
With that I left to prepare myself to meet the girl that would change my life forever.
Chapter Thirteen
We held hands as we rode the elevator down to the parking garage. I could tell he was nervous because he was playing with my ring again.
“Do you think we would have time to visit Montagne before we head back to Merryton?” I asked as we walked across the well-lit parking garage.
He halted and looked down at me. “Didn’t I tell you they sold it? It’s a dude ranch now.”
“When did that happen?” I don’t know why, but that really disappointed me.
“A couple of years ago.”
“How did you find out?”
“Dane.” Dane was the owner of the construction company Blake used to work for in Utah. He was one of the very few people Blake considered to be one of his friends.
“I wonder why the Marcelles sold it.”
Blake shrugged his shoulders and continued walking toward the Tahoe.
After I buckled my seatbelt I turned to him. “Do you think the new owners would at least let us walk around the lake? I hope they kept the gazebo.”
“I don’t think we’ll have time,” he said, almost irritated as he pulled out.
“What’s wrong?”
He didn’t answer right away.
I knew better than to push, so I pulled out my phone and texted Cheyenne and Abby. We may have had the world’s longest group text going. I let them know we arrived safely and I was on the way to meet Maddie. By the time I hit send Blake was ready to talk.
“That place holds some bad memories for me.”
“Oh. It holds some of my best.”
He turned my way as we waited at a red light and his features softened. “Jess, meeting you is the best thing that ever happened to me, but after you left, I—”
“Yeah, I know.” It was the reason we were here now.
“It’s more than that. It was a dark time in my life. I did some things I’m not really proud of.”
The light turned green and we began to move forward, but Blake wasn’t done talking.
“Madeline has already asked me if I loved her mom. Do you know how hard it was for me to tell her that I didn’t? Hell, I didn’t even like her. I still don’t. What kind of an example am I? The very thing that gave me Madeline, I wish I could forget.”
“So what you’re saying is you don’t want to go to Montagne or whatever it’s called now?” I tried to add some levity to the conversation. I figured it was the best way to go since we were about to meet Maddie and Sabrina. And to be honest, I really didn’t want to talk about how his daughter got here.
I could see him smirk as he faced forward, paying attention to the road. “Not really, but if you really want to, I’ll try and work it out.”
“That’s okay. I’ll think of something else for us to do.”
He reached over and ran his finger down my cheek. “I’d like that.”
I reached over and rubbed his neck. “You need to relax, because one of us has to be calm and I’m choosing you.”
“All right. Just keep doing that, it feels good.”
I happily complied. I forgot how much I loved the feel of his skin and running my fingers through his hair.
It wasn’t long before we pulled into a very rundown apartment complex in not the nicest area of town. Who was I kidding? It was terrible, and I worried about leaving my Tahoe in the parking lot.
Blake easily found a parking space next to some jacked-up sedan with the biggest spinning hubcaps I’d ever seen. As soon as he turned off the car he reached up and took my hand from his neck and kissed my palm.
I smiled at him. I loved that particular expression of love and he hadn’t done it in quite some time. I took a big, deep, nervous breath. “So, this is where they live?”
“Unfortunately, for now.”
If I knew Blake—and I did know him—Maddie would not be living here once we returned her to her mother. I was surprised he hadn’t already removed her from the premises.
We walked up the old, wooden, paint-peeled stairs to the second floor. I wasn’t sure if I was more nervous about meeting Maddie or seeing her mother again. The jealous side of me wanted to claw her eyes out, or at least give her a piece of my mind. She knew how I felt about Blake and how devastated I had been when we broke up, but it wasn’t like we were the best of friends. I knew I shouldn’t be jealous—Blake obviously had no feelings for her—but she had known my husband intimately and shared a child with him, and that was a hard pill to swallow.
Blake knocked on 27C and then reached for my hand. It lent me some comfort, at least briefly. I lost his hand to his very exuberant daughter, who opened the door with gusto and flew into her father’s arms.
“Dad, you’re here.”
There she was in all of her glory: unruly dark blond hair, long legs, and her arms
wrapped around my husband. Blake reciprocated nicely and hugged her tightly.
A lump rose in my throat, but I at least prevented the tears from forming. Believe me, they wanted to come out.
After a few seconds Blake released her and put his arm around me. “Madeline, this is my wife, Jessie.” The only time he used Jessie was when he introduced me. It was like he didn’t want anyone else to call me Jessica, and I was fine with that.
“Jessie,” she said loudly as she hugged me. I was not expecting that at all. At the very least I thought she would be wary of me. I honestly thought she might hate me. After all, I had married her dad while her mom was pregnant with her.
I remembered that I was going to be friggin’ Maria von Trapp, so I put my arms around her in return, albeit a little awkwardly, and patted her back. She was almost as tall as me, which wasn’t saying a lot, but it was weird. “It’s nice to meet you, Maddie.”
She let go of me and looked up at her father. “See, Dad? She calls me Maddie. Why won’t you?”
I laughed softly. Blake wasn’t into nicknames.
“I like the name Madeline,” is all he offered. “Where’s your mom?” he asked her.
Her face and shoulders immediately dropped.
Both Blake and I looked at each other, concerned.
“She’s not feeling well. She’s resting on the couch.”
We followed her into the dingy apartment that was uncomfortably cluttered with laundry, old pizza boxes, magazines, and who knows what else. It also smelled of cigarette smoke. I hated to think that Sabrina was smoking, especially considering she was being treated for cancer. I was trying not to stare too closely as Blake held on to me and led us through to their small living room. I was suddenly so grateful for my life, and even more grateful for it as I looked at my old roommate sitting on the couch, wrapped in a stained, white blanket. She was no longer the beauty I remembered. Her hair was thinning and shaggy, she had a couple lower front teeth missing, and a completely defeated look to her; maybe that was from her glazed-over eyes. I felt horribly guilty for every mean, spiteful thought I had had about her the past several weeks.
I looked down at my outfit and wished I had dressed down some. I had thrown on a chambray shirt dress and paired it with red shoes and accessories. It wasn’t dressy, but I felt extremely overdressed in present company. Madeline was wearing a tank top and tiny shorts, like too-tiny shorts. I had already noticed Blake’s look of disapproval.
Jessie Belle: The Women of Merryton - Book One Page 12
