Almost a Family

by Donna Alward

  She lifted a shaky hand to his cheek, smiled a wobbly smile.

  “Love me one last time, Jason.”

  Chapter Nine

  His eyes blazed at her words. Saying nothing, he reached out and began unfastening her blouse button by torturous button. Once he was done, he pushed it from her shoulders, his gaze lighting on her pale skin. It was as tangible as a caress. Molly’s breath shook as she exhaled, reached for his sweater and tugged at the hem.

  He helped her pull it over his head, dropping it on the floor beside her blouse. Hesitantly she reached out and touched his chest—like this?—her fingertips asked. His palm covered her breast possessively. Like this.

  Molly moved closer, running both hands over his skin now, the warm, smooth expanse of his chest, the strong curves of his arms. She worried the waistband of his jeans with her fingernails, pulling him close. Their torsos touched, warm, magnetic, and she knew nothing in the world had ever felt as right as his skin pressed against hers.

  The CD changed again, to something soft and bluesy while the firelight flickered around them, creating light and shadow. Molly touched her lips to the hollow between his shoulder and collarbone, tasting the saltiness there with the tip of her tongue, hearing the sharp intake of breath in his lungs. Her tongue slid from that hollow down to flick over his nipple, and he groaned.

  Drawing her back up for a hot, open-mouthed kiss, he trailed his right hand down her back to release the clasp of her bra and blindly slid it off her arms.

  It was like before but better, familiar yet new as he took her hand and led her to the fireplace. He grabbed a green throw from the sofa and laid it over the braided rug, tossing a few cushions after it. Seeing it—a nest, the place where she’d be one with him again—almost made her change her mind. But then he smiled, soft, knowing, and she knew there was nothing she wanted more than to be with him. She unfastened her jeans, slid them down over her legs and left them laying on the floor beside the rug.

  “You’re more beautiful now than you were then,” he said huskily, shaking his head. “I didn’t think that was possible.”

  “Things change.”

  “Some things don’t.”

  She padded over to him on bare feet. When had she ever been this comfortable with a man? Certainly not since she’d left him. She was standing in the dusky light in nothing but a pair of tiny white panties and she didn’t feel the least bit of discomfort or awkwardness. From their first time it had been like this. All she felt now was anticipation. Because she knew. Knew what was in store.

  “You’re a bit overdressed, don’t you think?” Her voice came out as a teasing sing-song and she couldn’t hold back the sexy laugh that escaped as his eyes widened. She unbuttoned his jeans and pushed them down over his lean hips, taking his briefs with them. When they were gone, she reached for him.

  “The blanket,” he muttered hoarsely in her ear seconds later. “The blanket, or so help me God I’m not going to be able to stand.”

  She lay down on the blanket, her hair spread on the pillows, invitation clear. When he knelt beside her, his gaze never leaving hers, she knew she was in trouble. Glorious, bone-melting trouble.

  This wasn’t one last time, not for her. She loved him again, heart and soul. Tomorrow was going to break her heart, but tonight…tonight would be the parting memory she’d take with her. Something much more beautiful than the bitter words six years ago. A celebration of the love they’d once shared.

  His fingers slid along the inside of her thigh and she quivered. “Touch me,” she whispered, moaning when he answered her command.

  His lips covered hers, swallowing her groan. When she thought she couldn’t possibly go another moment without breath, he pulled away and dropped kisses on her neck, her collarbone, her breasts. He pulled a taut nipple into his mouth and she arched, her body a perfect bow. Between his hands and his lips right now she was a quivering pool of sensations, all of her senses attuned to him. The way he smelled. The way his skin rubbed against hers. The sound of his breathing, heavy and aroused. The contrast of his dark hair against the creamy skin of her breasts. How could she possibly have forgotten how good this was?

  Pulling away, he inched her panties down her legs until they were gone. When he covered her body with his she lost all perspective and guided him inside her, arching to meet him.

  The sound of their breathing mingled with the music, pulsing through her like a throbbing heartbeat. Molly’s eyes stung with unshed tears as she realized she didn’t want this to be an end. She wanted a beginning. She loved him more now, if that were possible, and felt helpless to tell him. She would try in every way to show him, right now.

  She put her hands on his hips, slowing the movements, drawing them out. “Love me,” she whispered, sliding a fingernail over the curve of his hip.

  He stilled. She felt their contact, their link, as if everything in their bodies was centered on that one perfect point of union. When she thought she couldn’t possibly bear it any more, he whispered in her ear.

  “I do.” And he started moving again, taking her up, up, and she met his hips equally, watching the glow of the flames flicker over his skin, seeing them dance in his eyes.

  “Like this?” he murmured, twisting his hips and making her cry out.

  “Mmmmmm,” was all she could manage, trying desperately to maintain the fragile thread of control.

  His voice became a growl. “Like this,” he confirmed, twisting again and she gave up, gripping his shoulders with her fingers while she shattered beneath him.

  He held on, took her over and followed with a final thrust so powerful it slid the rug six inches up the hardwood floor.

  Molly turned her head towards the fire so Jason wouldn’t see the tears in her eyes. She’d done this to feel whole again. To remember and take with her the sweet memory of loving Jason Elliot. Instead she felt only the emptiness of defeat. She had to leave tomorrow. But the simple fact was Jason wasn’t trying to convince her to stay. He was accepting her leaving and not even fighting for her. He was doing what she’d thought she wanted—letting her go.

  He curled up behind her, covering her thigh with his, warming her skin now that the heated blood-rush of lovemaking was waning. Molly knew that to say anything at all would betray her emotions. She remained quiet, listening to his breathing at her shoulder.

  Warmed by the fire, she fell asleep there. And woke an hour later.

  She’d been asleep in Jason’s arms. Three weeks ago if she’d been told that she’d be sleeping with Jason again, she would have said, “Not in this lifetime!” But here she was, in a bigger mess than she’d been before.

  Nothing had changed. She was still leaving; it was still over. What they’d shared had been nothing more than a beautiful goodbye.

  Molly closed her eyes, taking a few moments to imprint the feeling of being in his arms on her heart. She slid out from their warmth, retrieved her underwear. As she dressed, she watched him sleep—his lips relaxed, his eyelashes on his cheeks. The beautiful form of him on the blanket. He had been hers. Tonight she had been reminded of all she’d thrown away… All it would have taken even all those years ago was for him to compromise, just a little. To let go of all the plans and just let them be. But he hadn’t. And he wouldn’t. So she buttoned her blouse and prepared to leave.

  “Going somewhere?”

  The husky note in his voice stopped her at the door to the living room. She answered without looking at him.

  “I should get back to Kim’s. I haven’t finished packing, and my flight leaves early.”

  “At least look at me, Mol.”

  She heard rather than saw him rise up to sitting on the blanket behind her, and felt his stare burrowing into the back of her head. She closed her eyes against the knowledge that what she’d said had sounded cold.

  She turned, slowly, met his gaze.

  “I don’t want you to go yet,” he said.

  She sighed. She couldn’t let herself feel hope at his words
. She’d been broken enough over him before. But hope…hope always ended badly. Something always happened to disappoint and then all that was left was to pick up the pieces.

  “We’re only prolonging the inevitable. My flight does leave tomorrow; we can’t pretend that it doesn’t.”

  Jason crossed his arms over his knees. “That doesn’t mean you have to be on it.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Stay.”

  She waited, willing him with all her heart to say the right words this time.

  “Stay with me tonight, Molly. Come to my bed, make love to me again. Let me change your mind.”

  Molly froze.

  Let me change your mind. Those words echoed through her, stretching back six long, lonely years. This had been her greatest fear. And now, in the aftermath of their lovemaking, he had the power to do it all again.

  He couldn’t realize that those had been the exact words he’d used that June morning. As if somehow she’d come around to the way he wanted things.

  “Don’t. Don’t do this to me again.”

  The line between his eyebrows wrinkled in confusion. “What exactly just happened? What am I doing again?”

  He rose, grabbed his pants and pulled them on, leaving them unbuttoned.

  Panic threaded through her. “Persuasion, that’s what!” She took another two steps backward, putting distance between them. “What’s your plan this time, Jason? Make love to me until I’m a puddle of goo, and then mold me to fit all your plans?”

  “What in the world are you talking about?” His arm swept wide. “We were dancing! Kissing! We made love, and don’t say you didn’t feel it too because I was there! I’m asking you to stay this time! How much clearer can it be?”

  “That’s the problem. It’s crystal clear!” Oh, why couldn’t he have just remained asleep then, so they didn’t end everything with an argument?

  Jason heaved a sigh. “You were going along just fine, to my recollection,” he snapped back.

  Her chin flattened. “That’s a low blow.”

  “I’m a little frustrated here. All of a sudden I’m under attack and I’m not sure why.”

  “So what happens after tomorrow?”

  “I don’t know.”

  She laughed bitterly. “Sure you do, Jason. Just say it. What’s the plan?”

  His eyes darkened, wary. He couldn’t escape the thought that he was somehow walking into a trap. But he couldn’t put his finger on it. She was right, he did have a plan. He’d been thinking about their situation a lot lately, so of course he’d come up with a scenario or two.

  “Well, since you’re job’s already on the line, you could quit before they have the chance to fire you…and stay here. Kim and Sara would love having you around more. We could take the time to see where this is going… I never stopped loving you Molly, you know that.”

  “And then?”

  Her voice was dangerously low and his lips thinned in response. She could tell he sensed the trap she was setting but wasn’t sure where it was. His response had been so close to her own plans it was eerie…and terrifying. Yet he still couldn’t see what it was she needed from him.

  “And then I suppose our relationship will go to the next level. I never told you this but I kept the…”

  “Stop. Right. There.”

  He stopped at her dire command.

  “You don’t get it, do you?” She smoothed down her blouse and jeans, trying to wipe away any sense of the seduction she’d felt while in his arms. “Don’t you see what you’re doing? You’re making me fit the mold of what you want. Again. Who would be making all the sacrifices here, Jason? Certainly not you. Your life will remain exactly as you’ve ordered it while mine gets turned topsy-turvy. You see what works for you and expect everyone else to see that too, and order their lives around yours.”

  “But you already said there are no ties back in Calgary.”

  “So what? It’s my life. It might not be perfect, but it’s what I’ve built for myself. Why is it any less important than yours?” She was defending a life that didn’t really even exist anymore. But Jason had to understand. He knew nothing of her longing to reconnect with her sister and to start a new job, make a difference. And right now that wasn’t the point at all.

  He squared off now, growing angrier. “What is the big issue here? You know you want to be closer to Kim and Sara. You still have feelings for me; don’t deny it. What is it that’s holding you back?”

  She stared into his eyes, and said with no ambiguity at all, “You.”

  His mouth opened and shut; for once he was completely speechless.

  “You are the one holding us back. Because you can’t even see why. I loved you then and I’ll admit my feelings for you were never resolved, but you want exactly the same thing now you did then. You have everything planned out for me, perfectly ordered like some cutter life that suits you. But that’s not me, Jason, and you’ve never been able to see beyond that.”

  “What are you talking about? It’s always been you, Molly.” He stared at her. His hands threaded through his hair in frustration while she took two steps backward. “Is there anything so wrong with wanting to be with you? To love you? To want a family with you?”

  “But it’s all on your terms!” she shouted back at him. Why couldn’t he see that?

  “I don’t have terms. All I know is what makes sense. And from where I’m standing, it’s simple.”

  “Nothing is simple, not with you.”

  “Don’t you get it? I tried over the years to move on. God knows I tried.” He let out a bitter laugh, dropped his hands. “But it never worked. Ask Kim.”

  Molly’s eyes narrowed, her heart grew heavy with dread and her words were iron-lined velvet. “Ask my sister what?”

  His eyes blanked as he scrambled for words. “It’s just that…” He stopped, floundering.

  “What exactly is there between you two, anyway?” Molly’s stomach lurched painfully. In the flash of a few seconds, she saw his face, pale with worry over Kim, Kim’s reaction to his name, the way he was with Sara… There was more. More they hadn’t told her, and more she needed to know right now before she went any further.

  “Nothing. Friends, I swear it.”

  But his lips thinned and his eyes were evading, caught in a trap of his own making.

  “But there was, wasn’t there.”

  “A long time ago,” he admitted. “She was alone. I was helping her out… I thought that if we could try it, maybe it would work out… I could move on and she’d…you know.”

  Molly looked away, embarrassed. Dear Lord. What had she done? Never in a million years had she thought Jason was the kind of man to sleep with two sisters. She had to know for sure. At this point there was nothing more to lose…

  “Yeah. I know.” Molly couldn’t keep the bitterness out of her voice. “So did you sleep with her, too?”

  “What?”

  “Close your mouth. You can’t be that surprised. I’m asking if you slept with my sister, then slept with me.”

  “Molly, for God’s sake!” His eyes widened as he stared, incredulous. “Do you really think I’d do that?”

  “I don’t know, Jason. I just don’t.”

  “Well, let me enlighten you. I never slept with Kim. Never. We were both alone and lonely. We thought we might try something more. Kim’s a special woman…so strong. She’s been through so much. I would never trifle with her feelings unless we were sure.”

  Molly stared at her toes as he continued. “But once we kissed, I knew…”

  “Just don’t.” She cut him off, held up a hand. “I don’t want to hear the details about you kissing my sister.”

  “But Molly, it wasn’t…”

  She raised her head, her eyes burning fiercely at him. “Don’t. The fact that this happened and neither of you told me…” She remembered asking Kim about it point-blank and receiving nothing but an evasive answer. “Even when I asked, Kim denied it.” Her voice rose
as she let the anger in. “You should have told me before I made a fool of myself.”

  And before she’d hurt her sister. The only family she had. She’d just begun making amends. And now instead of closure so Jason and Kim could move on, all she’d done was come in and muddle things even further. She did know how things were between Jason and Kim. From the first moment she’d seen them together, they’d seemed to fit in a way she didn’t. Jason was good for Kim, and she would give him the family he wanted. It had been foolish of her to get in the way. Foolish of her to get involved with him at all.

  She’d been the one to walk away all those years ago. Kim deserved someone like Jason who wanted the same things she did. Now Molly and Jason had slept together and she had that on her conscience as well.

  “And why would it matter anyway? You don’t want me. You don’t want the life I have here.” His voice intruded, harsh and condemning.

  That was what he thought, because that was what she’d wanted him to think. He couldn’t know how far it was from the truth.

  “And what would Kim think if she knew you and I had sex all over that throw blanket?” She eyed him squarely, daring him to wither with guilt beneath her stare.

  He had the grace to blush, but shoved his hands into his pockets, shrugging with a nonchalance she thought unbelievable. “She’d probably wonder what the hell I was thinking, setting myself up for hurt again.”

  Molly sagged. She was hurt and humiliated, but she was too tired to be angry anymore. Three weeks of being on a constant emotional rollercoaster finally took their toll and she gave up.

  “Maybe I’ll ask her,” she said sadly. “Before I leave in the morning.” She knew she wouldn’t. She’d never reveal to her sister what had just happened with Jason. She’d hurt Kim enough.

  “Molly.” His voice gentled, but she couldn’t look up through the sudden prick of tears she felt when he said her name in exactly that way.

  “I’ve got to go,” she said weakly. Deep down, she knew she was planning on leaving Calgary, leaving her job and looking for one that was more rewarding. But her personal life was shambles. She’d be somewhere closer to Kim, but she wasn’t sure anymore that Fredericton was it. Being this close to Jason… It wouldn’t work. If he finally moved on from her with her sister, it would be a painful death every time she saw them together until her heart simply withered away into nothingness. There was simply too much to deal with. And she’d dealt with it for long enough.