‘I know.’
‘Or take me riding.’
‘He’s very busy.’
‘I want to go back to Viña. I think Abuelito misses me.’
‘I’m sure he does. I’m sure they both do,' she said wistfully. ‘It’s bedtime now, Hal. Shall I read you a story?’
‘Where’s Mama?’ he asked, padding out of the bathroom in his bare feet.
‘At Joey and Lucien’s house.’
‘She’s always up there.’
‘I know. She likes the Applebys.’
‘I don’t.’
‘Yes, you do.’
‘No, I don’t.’
‘You always play with Joey.’
‘I don’t like Joey.’
Federica sighed in anticipation of a row. ‘Come on. I’ll read you a story,’ she cajoled brightly.
‘I want Mama to read me a story,’ he insisted. ‘I won’t go to bed until she does.’
‘What about Granny then?’
‘I want Mama,’ he whined and folded his arms in front of him stubbornly.
All right,’ she sighed. ‘Get into bed and wait until Mama comes back, she shouldn’t be long.’ But Federica knew that by the time she returned they’d both be asleep.
It was late when Federica heard the wheels of the car scrunch on the gravel in the driveway outside her window. The light penetrated her bedroom for a moment before she was once more plunged into darkness as the engine was switched off. She listened for their voices as her parents hurried in out of the cold. They were laughing, but she couldn’t make out what they were saying. She hadn’t heard her mother sound so happy in a long time. She sat up in bed and strained her ears for some indication that her father might stay, but she only heard muffled voices that revealed nothing except a growing friendliness between them.
‘I really enjoyed tonight,’ said Helena, climbing the stairs. Federica cowered in the darkness, watching as her mother came into view through the crack in the door.
‘Me too,’ Ramon agreed, following closely behind her.
Helena hesitated outside Federica’s room. ‘I’m glad you like the Applebys,’ she said softly so as not to waken her children.
‘Nuno’s an original,’ he chuckled. ‘As for Inigo.’
‘You’re the only one I know who gets Inigo’s point. He barely talks to anyone, shuts himself up in his study all the time. It must be exasperating for
Ingrid.’
‘I have to admit I find him fascinating.’
‘I can’t imagine what you talk about.’
‘Everything.’
‘Really?’
‘He’s learned and wise. You just have to penetrate his disappointment.’
‘Disappointment?’ She frowned.
‘He doesn’t have Nuno’s ability to rise above the world.’
‘Like Ingrid.’
‘Exactly. He spends his days pondering life and dwelling only on the negative. If we look hard enough we can find ugliness in anything. The trick is not to look for it.’
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about,’ she said lamely and chuckled to hide her ignorance. ‘Thank you for making such an effort with Hal these last few days.’
‘He’s a sweet boy,’ Ramon replied.
‘He is, but you never knew him. It’s important for him to feel your affection.
I know Federica’s more interesting to you. She’s older and more outwardly
loving. But Hal loves you too, he just doesn’t understand it.’
‘It’s been good for me to see them.’ He nodded then yawned.
‘It’s been good for us, too,’ she said and looked at him steadily.
He caught her eyes and smiled ruefully. ‘It has,’ he agreed in such a low voice, that Federica hardly heard him.
‘I’m glad you came.’
‘Me too.’
They both hovered awkwardly before Ramon walked on up the corridor. ‘Goodnight, Helena.’
‘Sleep well, Ramon.’ She watched him go with tenderness. Then she too disappeared out of sight.
Federica felt a shudder of anticipation cause her skin to shiver as if it were cold. But she felt very hot and very excited. She squeezed her eyes closed and hoped that what she had just witnessed was the beginning of a new love affair between her parents. She was sure then that her father would stay.
Helena lay in bed and thought of Ramon. She then thought about what Nuno had said. ‘We are always getting ready to live, but never living.’ She repeated it
again and again in her head, pondering on the meaning and how it applied to her. Nuno was so right. Ramon was living. He didn’t bother about preparation; he just rushed off to live as much as he could, whereas she was always preparing to live. Ramon was like a large bird. For him there were no frontiers, he just flew where he wanted, when he wanted. She envied his spontaneity yet resented his lack of responsibility. He didn’t answer to anyone, not even the pleas of his children. Much less the entreaties of his wife. But, he was certainly living. Ralph Waldo Emerson would have approved of Ramon.
She lay in solitude and yet, tonight, her solitude felt heavier and more uncomfortable than ever before. She stared up into the blackness and remembered those early days with Ramon when she had curled up in the warm reassurance of his embrace and slept without doubts. She felt his presence in the house because it was as dense as smoke and hot like fire. She was powerless to ignore it and unwilling to fight it any longer. She remembered Ralph Waldo Emerson and climbed out of bed.
She slipped into her dressing gown, opened her bedroom door and crept down the corridor towards Ramon’s room. She didn’t hesitate outside his door as she had done that terrible night the previous January, but opened it quietly
and walked into the darkness. ‘Ramon,’ she whispered. He stirred beneath his bedclothes. ‘Ramon,’ she repeated. He stirred again. She felt her way to the bed and prodded him. ‘Ramon.’
He woke up. ‘Helena?’ he mumbled. ‘Are you all right?’
‘I’m cold,’ she said, because she couldn’t think of anything better to say. Her body was trembling all over, surprised by the impetuosity that had suddenly overcome it. ‘Can I get in?’
Ramon shuffled to make room for her. She climbed in beside him and pulled the covers about her. ‘What do you want, Helena?’ he asked. But she ignored the impatient tone of his voice and persisted.
‘I want you to stay,’ she said.
He sighed and pulled her against his warm body, wrapping his arms around her and breathing into her hair. ‘I can’t.’
‘Why can’t you?’
‘Because my home is Chile.’
‘Can’t you just stay for longer? You can write here. You don’t have to be in Chile. The joy about your work is that you can take it anywhere.’
He sighed again. ‘I can’t change,’ he said flatly.
‘Why can’t you, Ramon? Because you don’t want to?’
‘Because I can’t.’
‘But we’ve become friends again. We haven’t enjoyed each other like this for years. We’re getting to know each other again. No, let me finish,’ she said when he tried to interrupt her. ‘I thought I didn’t care about you any more, let alone love you. I felt this dead indifference and it scared me. I thought there was nothing left of our relationship. So I came home. I thought it was the only option. But I was wrong. I see that now and I pray that it isn’t too late. We can make it work, I really believe we can.’
‘But we’ll face the same problems we have always faced. It doesn’t matter where we are, our problems will follow us.’
‘I need you,’ she said, then swallowed because she heard the desperation in her voice and it frightened her.
‘You don’t need me, Helena. You need a life.’
‘But you didn’t want me to go, are you saying now you don’t want me back?’
‘I’m not saying anything at all. I’m just saying that we both need this time apart.’
‘Then you don’t want
me at all,’ she said with resignation, ashamed that she
had declared herself so carelessly.
‘I want you, Helena.' he said and kissed her forehead. ‘I would make love to you now, happily. I have always enjoyed you.’
Then why don’t you?’
‘Because I’m not going to stay.’
‘Because you don’t desire me any more?’ she said, defeated.
‘Because the holes in our marriage are still there, Helena.’
‘The holes were made by me. I was confused. I was hurt. I felt dejected.’
‘You were right. You were dejected. Nothing’s changed. Nothing’s changed at all.’
‘You said you loved me then,’ she choked.
‘And I do, but not in the way that you want to be loved. You want a man who can love you every day. I’ll be gone soon and then you’ll be left alone to feel dejected. I can’t help that.’
‘Then there really is no chance?’
‘Of what?’
‘Of trying again?’ she said, and her voice trailed off in humiliation.
Ramon stroked her hair and lay staring up into the darkness. He thought of
Estella and the confident way that she loved him. There was something very needy about Helena and he felt that old, familiar sense of claustrophobia suffocate him once again. He still loved her. But he couldn’t change her and as long as she enveloped him with her needy love he couldn’t love her in the way that she longed to be loved. He felt the wind of change blow outside his window and knew that it was time to leave.
The following morning Ramon came down to breakfast with his bags packed.
‘You’re leaving?’ said Helena tightly. Her headache had returned and she was filled with shame. She wished she could rewind the tape and erase the previous night. She could barely look into his eyes. When she did they were once more dark and impenetrable. She had gone too far and ruined everything.
‘I’m leaving,’ he replied, then sat down next to Federica.
‘You’re leaving?’ she stammered. ‘Now?’ She watched her father’s grim face nod at her sadly. Had she dreamed the night before when they had talked on the landing with such affection? She was certain they were falling in love again. How could it all have gone so wrong in one night? She didn’t understand.
‘Don’t be sad, mi amor.’ He touched her forlorn face. ‘I want you to write to
me and tell me how you’re getting on and what you’re doing. Don’t miss out a single detail.’ He wiped a tear off her cheek with his thumb. ‘You be good and don’t cry, because I’ll be back very soon to see you.’
But Federica’s face crumpled into misery and she threw her arms around his neck and sobbed. ‘I don’t want you to go,’ she choked. ‘Please don’t go.’
‘I can’t stay for ever, mi amor. I’ll be back, I promise,’ he reassured her. ‘Remember to write to me,’ he added and kissed her wet face.
When he gathered Hal into his arms the child squirmed and cried out for his mother. Helena soothed him with gentle words and gathered him up, where he clung to her like a frightened monkey. Ramon didn’t pursue it. There was nothing more to say. He kissed Helena’s stony face, then he was gone leaving a feeling of emptiness in their hearts and a terrible sense of loss. Helena wondered when he’d come back. She had a premonition that it wouldn’t be for many years.
Federica ran upstairs and slammed her bedroom door behind her. She threw herself onto her Snoopy duvet and cried. How could he rush off like that with no warning? She had invested all her hopes in him. She was sure he was going
to stay. Besides, he had enjoyed it in Polperro. They had had fun. He liked the Applebys but most of all he had appeared to like her mother again. They had become friends. What went wrong? When she had tired of crying she pulled the butterfly box onto her knee and opened the lid. She stared down into the glimmering crystals and watched the butterfly extend her wings, changing from reds to blues as if in sympathy. In the mesmerizing shades of the ancient stones she hid from her unhappiness and the sudden sense of rejection that gripped her heart with cold claws. Slowly she lost herself in her memories that seemed to resonate in each tiny gem. She saw her grandparents on their balcony in Cachagua and Rasta running up Caleta Abarca beach. She saw the house where she used to live and then the wide open sea, she smelt the lavender and felt the sun on her face. Dizzy with the invasion of so many recollections she closed her eyes and drifted on her father’s love.
Chapter 19
Cachagua
It was just before Christmas that Mariana finally made the effort to visit Estella. A Christmas visit of goodwill. She would take her a silver necklace that she had bought in Santiago as a present. After all, it hadn’t been her idea to sack her. In fact, Mariana had done everything in her power to persuade Ignacio to keep her on. She had liked her and she was the first maid she had ever had who did the jobs without being asked and used her initiative without being prompted. Estella had been far too intelligent to reduce her talents to cooking and cleaning but she seemed to enjoy it.
Mariana had been forced to ask the ill-tempered Gertrude to find out where Estella was now living. She was unable to discover her whereabouts on her own, especially now that rumour had it that Estella was no longer living with her parents. Gertrude had been quick to point that out. She had added with glee that according to her cousin who lived in the same village as Pablo and Maria Rega, not even they knew where their daughter’s house was.
So Mariana had driven herself to Estella’s beach house, following the
directions that Gertrude had given her. The old woman had offered to accompany her but Mariana had graciously declined her offer with a shudder. She could barely spend more than five minutes in the maid’s company in her own home, let alone in the claustrophobic interior of a car. The thought of it made Mariana’s mouth curl downwards with distaste. Not only was Gertrude insolent but she also had a strange tendency to smell strongly of aniseed. Mariana was old fashioned and liked the parameters between employer and employee to be clearly defined. Gertrude hurled herself against those parameters without thinking and always caused offence. Ignacio dealt with her firmly by shouting at her to ‘know her place’, to which Gertrude responded with a scowl but also a reconfirmed sense of duty and commitment to her job.
When Mariana first saw Estella’s beach house she was immediately impressed by the size and quality and curious how a woman in her position could afford such luxury. It was built into the bank overlooking the sea and had the good fortune of being the only house for some distance. It was painted white with an American-style veranda and large green shutters to keep the interior cool in the summertime. The roof was thatched and the walls supported an abundance of sky-blue plumbago which had managed to weave its way over
the veranda where it hung down and fluttered in the wind like butterflies. Mariana had never suspected Estella’s errant lover to be rich. She had assumed he came from the same world as she did. She had been wrong.
The door was open and she could hear Estella singing inside and the cheerful gurgles of a baby. Mariana recalled Gertrude’s vicious comment about the monkey and smiled with satisfaction. That was most certainly not the noise of a monkey. She hesitated a moment before calling for Estella because she noticed evidence of the presence of a man. A man’s shirt hung on the back of the chair on the veranda and a pair of moccasins were placed by the door. Well, she thought, if he’s here I may as well meet him too. So she called out ‘Estella’ and waited.
Estella recognized the voice immediately and she stood rooted to the ground, stunned with panic. Ramon was in England yet all his belongings were scattered over the house. In the brief moment between Mariana’s call and Estella’s thin reply she tried to remember what items of Ramon’s were where and which would give him away. Finally she laid Ramoncito in his cradle and walked up the corridor to the door where Mariana was inching her way in, curious to cast her eyes about the house.
‘Señora Mariana, what a
surprise,’ said Estella firmly, attempting to hide the tremor in her voice. ‘Let’s talk outside, it’s very hot in here,’ she said, ushering her former employer out onto the veranda. Mariana was disappointed. She had wanted to see the house. But her good manners prevented her from requesting a tour.
‘I’m sorry I came unannounced. Are you alone?’ she asked.
Estella noticed her eyes rest on the pair of shoes by the door. ‘Yes, I’m alone,’ she replied casually. ‘Please, sit down and make yourself comfortable.’ She gesticulated to the chair with the shirt hanging off it. Estella removed the incriminating item and placed it inside the front door along with the shoes. Mariana noticed everything and wondered why she was so embarrassed. Then it suddenly occurred to her that perhaps the man sharing her house was not the father of her child.
‘I see you are quite happy,’ said Mariana tactfully. ‘You have a beautiful house.’
‘Thank you, Señora Mariana.’
Mariana noticed how nervous the girl was and concluded that it was only natural after Ignacio had so brutally asked her to leave his employment. ‘I’m so
sorry about your job,’ said Mariana, desperately trying to put the girl at her ease. ‘Ignacio can be very insensitive. He doesn’t mean to. It’s his way. But not everyone understands him like I do. Are you being taken care of?’ It was a clumsy question but Mariana couldn’t resist. Estella stiffened and her eyes lowered as if she were ashamed to look at Mariana directly.
‘I am very content,’ she replied simply.
‘You have a little baby now. A boy?’ Estella nodded and she smiled without restraint. ‘He’s obviously giving you a lot of pleasure. I adored every one of my eight children and grandchildren,’ she sighed. ‘Grandchildren give me the same pleasure all over again.’ Then she thought momentarily of Federica and Hal and her eyes misted. ‘What is he called?’ she asked, deliberately forgetting her own melancholy.
Estella’s cheeks burnt with guilt. She could tell the truth and risk suspicion or she could lie. She raised her eyes to Mariana’s and decided that lying was without doubt the only option.
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