Federica giggled again, then closed her eyes expectantly. Her stomach flinched as she felt his lips on her skin, kissing her jawbone, the muscle below the ear, her temples and her eyes. As much as she tried to detach her mind, she couldn’t allow herself to bask in the pleasure of her senses as he had suggested for fear of letting go and looking foolish. She could smell the spice of his aftershave mixed with the natural male scent of his body and she wanted to pinch herself to make sure it was really happening. Then, just when she thought her mind would ruin so magic a moment, his lips fell onto her mouth again, opened and ceased the frenetic racing of her thoughts. She tasted the wine on his tongue and felt his rough chin against hers. Aware only of the sensual aching of her limbs she responded instinctively. He wrapped his arms around her body and drew her against him. There in the flickering candlelight of the barn her whole being stirred with the flowering of spring.
Chapter 26
Helena returned home to find a note on the kitchen table from Arthur.
Gone to the cinema with Hal, see you later. Love Arturo.
She opened the fridge, took out a can of Coca-Cola and a plate of cold meat and sat down to eat alone. She glanced at the clock on the wall and wondered how Federica was doing at the party. She had been too distracted with her new husband and son to notice the ripening of her daughter. In the past year Federica had quietly begun to metamorphose, emerging from her chrysalis as a lucid young woman, with deep melancholic eyes and the shy smile of a child uncomfortable with the shedding of her girlhood. On one hand she was capable, sensible and independent, yet Helena recognized in her a growing neediness and insecurity because those were the traits she had inherited from her. She ate her meat with little enthusiasm. The resplendent image of Federica in her party dress cast a shadow of regret over her heart that she was unable to shake off. She tried not to think of Ramon, but his image surfaced in her thoughts like a buoy on the sea. There he floated, unwilling to leave. His coal-black eyes bore into her inquiringly and she could almost hear him asking her if she was happy.
She wasn’t as happy as she had expected to be. Arthur was good to her and she was deeply fond of him. He was a saint, putting up with her changing moods and impatience with the kindly smile of a doting father. He was everything that Ramon was not. He was unselfish, tolerant, non-judgemental, yet he lacked the charisma, the passion and the drama of Ramon. With Arthur she still yearned for something more. She wished he were better looking, thinner, less clumsy. The jolly bounce in his stride irritated her and she longed for him to hold himself back rather than rushing up to people like an over-enthusiastic Labrador. His ebullience grated. She was afraid to dwell too long on the first few years of her marriage with Ramon because nothing in the world could compete with that all-consuming joy and sense of fulfilment. In Federica she saw the reflection of the girl she had once been. Flawless, like a piece of virgin paper waiting for someone to paint it with love. She thought of her own sheet of paper and what life had imprinted upon it, so many colours, but she didn’t have the courage to look deep enough to notice that most of the ugly colours were of her own making.
When Toby arrived at Pickthistle Manor the following morning to collect Federica, he found her radiant face smiling out at him from Foster's bedroom window. She ran down the stairs and threw herself into his arms. ‘It was the best party ever!’ she enthused, barely able to disguise the smile of a satisfied woman. She had intended to keep her midnight kisses with Sam a secret but once she was alone in the car with her uncle the words came spilling out as if she had no control over them. ‘He took me into a barn and kissed me. It was so romantic,’ she sighed, fanning her face with the AA manual. ‘It was raining outside, but warm inside with the smell of hay. He lit a candle and showed me a nest of sleeping ducks. He was so sweet. We talked all night. He was so understanding and kind, not like those awful oafs I danced with. Sam rescued me like he did that day in the lake. I can’t imagine what he sees in me, though.’
Toby smiled a little nervously. He didn’t imagine someone of Sam’s age would want a long-term relationship with a girl of Federica’s, and he knew what she would be hoping for.
‘I know what he sees in you, Fede. You’re a beautiful young woman. It
doesn’t surprise me at all that he thinks you’re wonderful.’
‘What will happen now?’ she asked.
Toby sighed and stared ahead of him.
‘Don’t expect too much, sweetheart,’ he said, not wanting to dampen her excitement nor allow it to fly to fanciful heights.
‘What do you mean?’
‘He’s a lot older than you. Just don’t expect too much, then if he wants to be with you it will be a bonus.’
‘Oh, all right.’ She smiled happily, rolling down the window. ‘I’ll see him up at the manor anyway. Hester’s asked me up for tea this afternoon.’
‘Good,’ said Toby.
‘Don’t worry, I’ll bicycle. The exercise will make me glow.’
‘You’re glowing already,’ Toby chuckled.
Arthur, Helena and Hal came over for a barbeque lunch to hear how the party had gone. The rain had cleansed the sky during the night and it now shone with renewed brightness and clarity. Federica managed to tell her mother and stepfather enough about the party to satisfy their curiosity, without mentioning
her tryst with Sam. Toby winked at her and grinned mischievously, silently promising to keep her secret. Arthur, Hal and Julian played croquet on the lawn while Helena sat in the shade drinking Pimms. Federica was too distracted to notice the strain that had become ingrained in her mother’s features and skipped off for a walk with Rasta. Toby was never too distracted to notice his sister’s moods and joined her at the table. ‘Fede's happy,’ he said.
‘Yes, she is,’ Helena replied flatly. ‘It’s all thanks to you and Julian. I think it’s done her good living with a couple of men.’
‘She still misses her father though,’ he said, pouring himself a cup of coffee. ‘I sometimes catch her playing with that butterfly box of hers. You know she keeps all his letters in there.’
‘I know. Tragic, isn’t it?’ said Helena bitterly.
‘It’s only natural.’
‘It’s not natural to leave your family for years though, is it?’
‘No, it’s not.’
‘It’s not natural for a child to live with her uncle either. Not when her mother is just down the road.’
‘Is that why you’re depressed?’ he asked sympathetically.
‘Oh, I don’t know.’ She sighed. ‘I feel I’ve cocked up. I tore them away from their father, their country, their grandparents. I married again, someone Federica doesn’t like. So I let her live somewhere else so that she can be near her friends. Is that natural?’
Toby touched her hand that rested on the table beside her glass. ‘Dad ignores Julian and refuses to give his own daughter away at her wedding because he can’t face his son’s lover. He sacrifices his relationship with his son because of his sexual persuasion - that’s not natural either,’ he said and smiled with empathy. ‘It doesn’t matter what’s natural and what isn’t. It’s all a matter of opinion anyway. IfFederica’s happy with us, it’s natural. If Hal is happy with you and Arthur, that’s natural too. Fede and Hal see each other enough. They feel like brother and sister. Imagine, some people send their children away to boarding school for years. Is that natural?’
‘I suppose you’re right,’ she conceded gratefully.
‘But that's not what’s bothering you,’ he ventured quietly, glancing across the lawn at Arthur who had just hit his red ball through the hoop and was flapping his arms about in delight, like a fat penguin.
Helena laughed cynically. ‘You know me too well,’ she said.
‘I know.’
‘At times like this I wish I hadn’t given up smoking.’ She sighed, filling her glass. ‘I’m content, Toby. Arthur’s good to me. He looks after me. Does everything for me. He’s the opposite of Ramon who was a selfi
sh shit.’
‘But you still love that selfish shit,’ said Toby.
‘I wouldn’t use the word “love”,’ she interjected quickly, lowering her eyes that burned when she blinked.
‘But Arthur doesn’t do it for you.’
‘Arthur,’ she sighed in resignation. ‘Arthur isn’t enough.’ Toby looked at his sister pensively. She shook her head. ‘But I’m stuck. That’s it. I’ve made my choice. Look how much Hal adores him. They’ve really bonded, it’s lovely.’
‘Helena, we all have to compromise in life. You’re unlikely to get the qualities you like in Ramon and those you like in Arthur rolled into one man. It just won’t happen.’
‘But I didn’t want to leave Ramon in the first place,’ she whispered, looking at her brother steadily.
‘What do you mean?’ he asked slowly, hoping he had misheard her.
‘I didn’t think he’d let me go.’ Her eyes glistened with tears.
‘God, Helena,’ he gasped, shaking his head.
‘Once I’d started I couldn’t back out. I had to go the whole way. Then . . .’ She hesitated as if barely able to divulge the depravity of her secret.
‘Then what?’
‘Then, I married Arthur because the idea of it infuriated Ramon. I could see it in his eyes. I was hurting him and it felt good.’ She drained her glass. ‘Am I evil?’
‘Not evil, Helena, but very misguided.’
‘Don’t tell anyone,’ she said firmly.
‘I won’t,’ he promised. ‘But by God you’ve got yourself into one hell of a mess.’
She nodded bleakly. ‘And there’s no one to tidy it up for me,’ she said, and pulled a thin smile.
Federica returned from her walk and went straight to her room where she lay down on the bed and closed her eyes. She mentally replayed the scenes of the night before, rewinding them over and over again, enjoying his kisses and caresses as if for the first time. They had sat in the trembling light of the candle
and talked until the music from the party had ceased to reverberate through the rain and the sound of cars and departing guests had faded into the night. Federica had sat in his arms and allowed him into the secret halls of her mind. She had told him about the butterfly box, the story of Topahuay and her father’s letters, which she re-read whenever she felt sad. With Sam she had found forgotten memories hidden behind the clutter of her present life, such as the time she had found a dead fish on the beach in Viña and her father had taught her about death. He had picked up a shell and sitting down with her on the sand he had explained that when a creature dies it sheds shells, its fins, its body and floats up into the sky to be with God. He had then made a pendant out of the shell and hung it about her neck. ‘You see the shell isn’t important, it’s the spirit within that matters and cannot be destroyed,’ he had said, but it was only later when she was older that she understood what he meant.
Sam listened intently to her, stroking her hair, amused by some of her stories, moved by others. ‘You’re very special, Fede,’ he said wistfully, kissing her temple.
‘What do you mean by “special”?’
‘Well, you’re just different. I think you’ve lived more than other girls of your
age. ‘“Experience maketh man”,’ he quoted, ‘and you’ve experienced more than most women twice your age. I can see it in those big sad eyes of yours.’ He laughed, kissing her temple again. ‘You need someone to look after you.’
Federica snuggled up against his body and felt for the first time in many years the same sensation of security that she had felt in the arms of her father. ‘I wish I was older,’ she sighed. ‘Independent, not having to go to school.’
‘You haven’t got long now.’
‘You’re lucky, you’re in London. You’ll never have to do anything you don’t want to ever again.’
‘That’s not true. We always have to do things we don’t want to do. I’d rather live here in Polperro for a start.’
‘Really?’
‘Yes, I’m not a Londoner at all. But I’m not ready to “bow out” yet.’
‘What’s your dream?’ she asked curiously.
‘A cottage overlooking the sea, dogs, a pig perhaps, a family, an extensive library and a long list of bestsellers behind me.’
She laughed. ‘A pig?’
‘Absolutely, a cottage isn’t complete without a pig.’ He chuckled. ‘What’s
yours then?’
‘I’d like to take photographs and travel the world,’ she declared, then added, ‘and I’d like to return some day to Cachagua. I don’t know why, but I miss my grandparents’ house more than I miss my own.’
‘I’m sure one day you will.’
‘I’d also like to live in London, be very rich and famous like my father.’
‘Well, you’ll probably succeed there too,’ he said. ‘Or you’ll achieve your dreams and realize that they were empty vessels all along.’
“‘You can teach people knowledge, but wisdom, dear boy, has to be learned through experience,”’ said Federica in Nuno’s clipped Italian accent.
Sam laughed. ‘So you do listen to what old Nuno has to say,’ he exclaimed in admiration.
‘I can’t help it, he repeats everything so many times his sayings get ingrained.’
‘And a good thing too. You won’t ever meet anyone wiser than him.'
Federica lay on her bed and smiled as she recalled their conversation. She had sat in his arms until her clothes had dried and the gentle light of dawn seeped
in through the cracks in the barn, like mist announcing the beginning of day. They had talked like old friends and she had discarded her inhibitions with each caress and her fears with each kiss. When she had crept into Hester’s room she had been unable to sleep. All she could do was think of Sam. She had always known in her heart that Sam was meant for her.
Toby and Julian were sitting outside on the terrace reading the papers and commenting on the issues of the day when Federica skipped downstairs, ready to bicycle up to Pickthistle Manor. The house was now quiet as Helena had left with Arthur and Hal to have tea with her parents. Toby put the paper down and scrutinized her.
‘Well?’ she asked. ‘Do I look all right?’
He nodded thoughtfully. ‘You look pretty good to me,’ he said smiling, removing the square-shaped glasses that gave him the look of a seventies singer-songwriter.
‘Well, actually, I’m not so sure you don’t look as if you’ve made too much effort,’ said Julian, rubbing his chin.
‘Really?’ she asked, looking down at her jeans and pumps.
‘Darling, she looks wonderful,’ Toby insisted.
But Julian shook his head. ‘No, no,’ he muttered. ‘Put on your trainers instead of those pumps, I think that’s what it is. You don’t want to look like you’re trying.’
Federica ran off upstairs, appearing two minutes later in a pair of white gym shoes.
‘Darling, you’re right,’ said Toby, impressed.
‘I’m not a photographer for nothing,’ Julian replied, tapping his cheekbone with his finger and raising his eyebrows. ‘You have to have a good eye.’
‘Sweetheart, you look very cool,’ said Toby. ‘Have fun and behave. Remember, he’s much older than you.’
‘Be firm and say “no”,’ Julian added. ‘Whatever he asks of you, say “no”.’ Federica rolled her eyes and laughed.
‘It’ll make him keener,’ said Toby.
‘Little bastard, putting his dirty paws on our Federica,’ Julian muttered, grinning at her.
‘I want to hear you say it, sweetheart,’ said Toby. Federica giggled, wandering off.
‘Go on!’ Julian shouted after her. ‘It’s the most important word in a woman’s vocabulary.’
‘NO!’ she retorted, turning the corner.
Toby shrugged at Julian. They were both thinking the same thing. They’d be there for her when it all ended badly.
Federica cycled up the winding lanes lined wi
th cow-parsley and buttercups, humming to herself with gusto. When she turned the corner into the drive the first thing she noticed was the space left by the absence of Sam’s car. She stopped humming and a frown replaced the smoothness of her brow. She leant the bike against the wall of the house and ran in. During the summer months when the weather was good Ingrid liked all the doors to be open so that the scents of the garden and the roses that covered the walls of the house would fill the rooms with the fertile fragrances of nature. It also allowed the various animals rescued by Hester to come and go freely without having to ask to be let out. The swallows that always nested in the porch year after year dived in through the open windows and the odd brave mouse crept into the kitchen to satisfy his greed in the dog bowls. Federica walked through the rooms to the
lawn where the tent was being dismantled by an army of tanned men in baseball caps and khaki shorts. She found Hester and Molly lying on the grass still in their dressing gowns, drinking cups of coffee.
‘Hi, Fede,’ said Hester wearily, peering at her over her dark glasses.
‘We can’t be bothered to get dressed,’ said Molly. ‘We’re knackered.’
‘It was a wonderful party, though,’ Fede said, casting her eye about for Sam.
‘Great party,’ said Hester. ‘Come and join us.’ Federica sat down on the grass and played with the daisies distractedly.
‘You look sickeningly well for someone who was up all night,’ said Molly, looking her up and down.
‘Whom did you disappear with for so long? I didn’t even hear you come to bed,’ said Hester, rubbing her red eyes.
‘No one very exciting, I’m afraid,’ Federica muttered, doing her best to dissemble.
The Butterfly Box Page 32
