The Butterfly Box

by Santa Montefiore

  ‘Yes,’ Ramoncito insisted happily.

  ‘And Helena?’

  ‘No, just Federica and Hal.’

  ‘They’re going to stay with my parents, right?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘My God, I don’t deserve this,’ he mumbled, standing up and suffering a terrible head spin.

  ‘Yes, you do, Papa,’ said Ramoncito. ‘Mama was always telling you to go and see them.’

  ‘And I never listened to her.’

  ‘She’d be happy.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘Have you finished yet?’

  ‘The book?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Yes, I have.’

  ‘Great, let’s open a bottle of wine. We have two things to celebrate now,’ said Ramoncito joyfully.

  But Ramon was anxious. Federica and Hal knew nothing of Estella and Ramoncito.

  Hal and Federica boarded the plane for the long journey across the waters to Chile. Neither knew what to expect, but both hoped that somehow the ghosts of the past would be confronted and exorcised. Hal was pale and visibly shaking with discomfort as his body craved the poison that was destroying it. Federica kept forcing him to drink water to flush it all out, fussing over him like an overprotective nurse. As soon as they boarded the plane he slouched into his chair, closed his fevered eyes and slept.

  Federica tried to read but she was unable to concentrate. The events of the last month invaded her thoughts, allowing her no peace. She cast her mind back to Torquil. She had been unhappy right from the start of their marriage, but she had believed she loved him and did everything he asked of her in order to please him. How easy it had been for him to manipulate her and mould her into a submissive pawn. She had taken it all, every humiliation, until she had grown so accustomed to his controlling nature that she had no longer recognized it or realized that it was within her power to withstand it. She had wanted a father figure to look after her and protect her from the world. It was a miracle that she had grown up at all in the stifling air of their marriage where his overbearing personality had stunted her growth, but somehow she had realized that she no longer wanted someone to live for her, but to live herself in the way she wanted.

  It sounded simple with hindsight. She should have left earlier. She was appalled at her own lack of character and vowed to herself silently that she would never let anyone treat her like that again. She thought of her father and the notes of poetry he had sent her. It had been due to his support that she had been able to stand back and look at her marriage with detachment. Then there

  was Sam who had kept her afloat.

  When she thought of Sam she smiled inwardly until the smile rested on her lips, curling them up at the corners. She pictured his dishevelled figure, those shabby sweaters he always wore, the dusty shoes that hadn’t ever enjoyed the luxury of a lick of polish, his lofty expression and intelligent eyes. He had been a beautiful boy, she recalled wistfully, remembering their first encounter on the lake. He had had thick blond hair that fell over his eyes, pale pink lips that smirked sardonically, luminous skin that glowed with contentment and the charisma of a young man who knows he is much cleverer than everyone else.

  So what had happened? Age had stolen his golden hair, experience had humbled him and Nuno’s death had robbed him of his contentment. He was more loveable now, less aloof. But Federica didn’t allow herself to dwell on her feelings for Sam; she wasn’t ready to confront them yet. She pulled the butterfly box out of her bag and turned the focus of her attention to her father and grandparents, reliving all those glorious moments as a child before her mother had taken her away across the sea.

  Hal slept most of the way, waking up to eat and go to the bathroom. It was

  only when they landed in Santiago airport that he sat up and stared out of the window, the view over the Andes mountains strumming within him a familiar chord that caused his throat to tighten and his eyes to well with tears. He swallowed hard, gripping the arm of his seat as the complex jumble of his emotions churned in his stomach.

  ‘We’re home, Fede,’ he choked, turning to look at her. She nodded, for she too was moved and unable to speak. She blinked away her joy and threaded her hand into his.

  Mariana had sent the chauffeur to pick them up and drive them down to Cachagua. He introduced himself as Raul Ferro but didn’t speak a word of English and Hal and Federica had forgotten the Spanish they had once spoken fluently. So they communicated with gestures and followed him out to the car. The heat in Santiago was stifling and oppressive but Hal and Federica absorbed it with delight along with the long-forgotten memories. At first they sat in the back in silence, watching the scenery pass by the windows, lost in the dusty halls of their past. Then, when the car left the city and sped up the open road that cut through the arid mountains to the coast, they sat back and looked at one

  another with different eyes. After years of estrangement they were at once reunited by their shared childhood and their shared longing to reclaim it.

  ‘I was only four when we left, but you know, I remember so much,’ said Hal wistfully, wiping his sweating brow with his shirtsleeve. ‘I feel better already!’

  ‘I thought it would be strange seeing it all again, but it feels as if I never left,’ she sighed, watching the heat shimmering above the road ahead like pools of water.

  ‘I never really felt I belonged to Papa,’ said Hal suddenly.

  Federica looked at his troubled face and pulled a thin smile of sympathy. ‘I know. He ignored you didn’t he?’ she agreed softly.

  ‘It’s odd because I was so small, but I’ve felt his rejection through the years.’

  ‘You were Mama’s golden boy, though.’

  That came with a price, believe me.’

  ‘Pretty suffocating, I know.’ Federica shook her head as she remembered her mother’s overwhelming neediness and constant discontent.

  ‘She’s a deeply unhappy woman,’ Hal mused. ‘I grew up with the responsibility of making her happy where everyone else had failed. You know, Arthur’s given up on her too, just like Papa did. I really thought Arthur could make her

  happy.’

  ‘Oh, don’t give up on Arthur,’ she chuckled with a smile.

  ‘What do you mean?’ He frowned. ‘I thought you hated Arthur.’

  ‘I did. But I never gave him a chance. He’s a good man and Mama’s lucky to have him.’ She noticed the perplexed expression on his face and added, ‘I went to see him, Hal. They still love each other.’

  ‘Well, that’s good.’ Hal sighed. ‘She’s not all bad. Just very misguided.’

  ‘It’s taken a while to get over Papa, but I think she learnt the hard way. “In much wisdom is much grief,”’ she quoted wisely.

  ‘You sound like Sam Appleby,’ he said.

  Federica grinned. ‘Do I?’

  ‘Yes, his pomposity is catching. You’ve obviously been spending too much time with him.’ Hal gazed out of the window. ‘Why do you suppose Papa deserted us?’ he asked tentatively, changing the subject. They had never talked about their father like this before. They’d never dared ask those questions.

  Federica lowered her eyes. ‘I don’t know,’ she said, allowing thoughts of Sam Appleby to dissolve into her father’s shadow. ‘But I’m going to ask him. I need to know and so do you.’

  ‘What makes you think he’ll be happy to see us?’

  ‘I just know it,’ she replied firmly.

  ‘He could always have come to see us in England but he didn’t. So why’s he going to be pleased to see us now?’

  ‘I know what you’re saying, Hal,’ she said carefully. ‘Just trust me. I know he regrets the past and I know he still cares.’

  Hal rested his eyes on the magnificence that surrounded him, so far from the cold cliffs of Cornwall and felt a deep yearning in his soul. He felt as if an invisible force was filling his spirit with something weightless so that his body felt buoyant and bursting with optimism.

  Ramon sat on the
terrace of his parents’ beach house, looking out across the sea that lay still and gleaming in the late morning light. He had barely slept at all for his mind had itched with guilt and anxiety - how was he going to explain himself to the two children he had abandoned long ago and left to mourn him? How was he going to explain Ramoncito to them - and Estella? Would they understand? How was Ramoncito going to feel suddenly finding himself having to share his father’s devotion when he had grown up with the exclusive

  right to it? He looked at his watch; they’d be arriving soon. He felt his stomach churn with nerves. He knew he should have gone to pick them up at the airport, but he needed the moral support of his parents.

  Mariana had agreed with him. ‘Much better that they see us all together at the house, less pressure all round,’ she had said.

  ‘Here, son,’ said Ignacio, handing him a tumbler of rum. ‘You look as though you need it.’

  ‘I don’t know what to expect,’ he said sheepishly.

  ‘Don’t think about it too much,’ said Ignacio simply, sitting down opposite Ramon and pulling his panama hat onto his head to protect him from the sun. ‘They’re coming out to see you because you’re their father, not to torment you. Let bygones be bygones and get to know each other again. That’s my advice.’

  ‘So much has happened,’ said Ramon, staring into his glass. ‘Estella, Ramoncito ..

  ‘Life goes on. It has many chapters yet it’s one book. There’s a common thread that runs through each chapter.’

  ‘What’s that, Papa?’ said Ramon, sighing heavily.

  ‘Love,’ said Ignacio bluntly. Ramon frowned at him, but his father just

  nodded back. Tm old and wise, son, I should be after eighty-four years, and I’ve picked a few things up in my life. That’s one of them. Learn something from an old man.’ He chuckled. ‘Love will unite you all, you’ll see.’

  That and forgiveness,’ said Ramon, knocking back his glass. ‘A large dose of forgiveness.’

  As the car drove up the coast Federica and Hal began to reminisce with growing excitement. They recognized the shack where they had always stopped en route to their grandparents’ house, where Ramon had always bought them drinks and empanadas, where the Chilean children had played football with an empty Coke can under the sycamore trees. They were both struck at how little it had changed in so many years, as if they were driving through a strange void which time was incapable of penetrating.

  When they descended the dusty track into Cachagua itself they were both too moved and anxious to speak any more. Hal took Federica’s hand, which surprised her for it had always been she who had initiated any demonstrations of affection. She squeezed it, grateful for his support for she was nervous too. The thatched houses were the same, surrounded by verdant trees and bushes,

  although there were more of them. When the car drew up outside the familiar walls of their grandparents’ house they both heard the thumping of their hearts as they beat loudly and in unison.

  ‘I’m scared,’ Hal confessed.

  ‘Me too,’ Federica replied hoarsely. ‘But we’re here now, so let’s just plunge on in,’ she said, trying to make light of their fear.

  Ramon heard the engine of the car and then the expectant silence that followed when the ignition was turned off. He heard the doors open and close. He looked across at his parents and Ramoncito, who had all got to their feet and were making their way into the house. Mariana’s old legs were slow but she bustled through the sitting room as fast as she could go, her breathing heavy with excitement. Ramoncito didn’t understand his father’s uneasiness and was caught up in the enthusiasm of his grandparents. He had always wondered what his half-siblings were like, often fantasizing that they lived in Chile so that he could enjoy the fun of having a large family like all his school friends, who often had as many as ten brothers and sisters to play with.

  Ignacio turned to his son who hesitated on the terrace, pale-faced and

  apprehensive. ‘Son, it’s like diving into the sea, the anticipation is uncomfortable but once you’re in the water is warm and pleasant.’ He smiled at him in understanding. ‘You just have to take the plunge and not think about it.’ Ramon nodded at him and followed his unsteady old frame into the dark interior of the house where it was cool and smelt of tuberose. In his mind he still imagined Federica as he had seen her as a thirteen-year-old child on her bicycle in Cornwall. Hal he remembered less well and that made him feel guiltier than ever.

  When Federica and Hal saw their grandmother hurry out of the house to greet them their hearts ceased to beat with anxiety but accelerated with joy. She was much greyer and appeared smaller because the last time they had seen her they had been children. But her smile and her tears were the same expressions of her gentle nature that had clung to their memories for almost two decades and they ran to her and embraced her. She wanted to tell them how tall they were, how beautiful Federica was and how handsome Hal was, but her throat ached with emotion and her lips trembled with regret because she was old and had lost countless precious years of their growing up. So she embraced them

  again, gesticulating with her shaking hands and expressive face all the things she was unable to put into words.

  Ignacio appeared next in the doorway because Ramoncito hung back, suddenly overcome with shyness. He hugged his grandchildren, chuckling with happiness because he also was too moved to speak. Hal remembered him for his shoulder-rides but was barely able to reconcile the ursine man of his childhood with the thin, wizened man who now stood before him.

  Then Ramon’s large body hesitated in the doorway with his son.

  Federica detected the anxiety in his eyes and strode up to him and threw herself into his arms as she had always done as a child. Ramon was stunned at her confident display of affection and wrapped his arms around her with gratitude. He was astonished to see in her features echoes of the young Helena he had fallen in love with on the pier in Polperro. Her hair was white and flowing, her skin translucent and her eyes that same clear blue that had disarmed him in her mother. He held her face in his hands and swallowed his regret. ‘You’re so grown up,’ he choked. ‘And you’ve done all this without me?’ he said, pulling her into his arms again.

  ‘Without you, no,’ she sniffed, breathing in the familiar scent of him that had

  carried her through the years and prevented her from ever forgetting him. Ramon looked over Federica’s shoulders and saw the grey face of his son who stood staring at him with haunted eyes. He gently disentangled himself from his daughter and walked up to him.

  ‘Hal,’ he said, extending his hand. Hal tried to say ‘Papa’ but all that escaped his throat was a dry rasp. He looked into the face of his father, searching for some sign of affection but all he could see was fear and uncertainty. He swallowed hard. Ramon floundered, not knowing what to do next. He lifted his eyes to his father and remembered the advice he had given him. ‘Hal, I’m sorry,’ he muttered. The boy’s eyes softened and the corners of his mouth twitched with emotion. Ramon took the first step, held out his arms and pulled the trembling young man against him. Hal responded with a moan before his decrepit body shook with sobs. ‘I’ll make it up to you,' said Ramon. ‘I promise.’

  Ramoncito watched the scenes of reunion from the doorway and felt excluded. The tears and emotion were alien to him for he hadn’t even cried at his own mother’s funeral. He watched Federica and Hal with curiosity and listened to them speaking a language that he didn’t understand. Federica didn’t look anything like Ramon but Hal was uncannily similar, except he looked thin and

  ill. He wanted to go up and introduce himself but he was aware that he played no part in this family gathering because they were all mourning a parting that had happened before he was born.

  Suddenly Ramon remembered Ramoncito. He pulled himself up and turned to face his son who stood anxiously in the shadows. ‘Ramoncito,’ he said. ‘Come and meet your brother and sister.’ He said it in Spanish but Hal and Federica understood an
d blinked at each other in bewilderment. The fifteen-year-old boy emerged into the sunlight. He was tall and athletic with raven-black hair and shiny brown eyes as soft as milk chocolate.

  Federica at once recognized Ramon in the languor of his smile and in the poise of his gait, yet his skin was the colour of rich honey and his face was long and gentle, which set him apart from their father.

  Hal immediately saw himself reflected in the dark features of Ramoncito and he gathered himself together and strode forward to shake him by the hand. ‘I’ve always wanted a brother,’ he said.

  When Ramon translated for him, Ramoncito’s face broke into a wide smile and he replied in Spanish, ‘Me too.’

  Federica took him by the hand and kissed him. He blushed to the roots of

  his glossy hair. Federica smiled at him. Besides their blood, their blushing was something they both had in common.

  Chapter 41

  Both Hal and Federica remembered their grandparents’ large terrace, overlooking the wide sea. The scents of gardenia and eucalyptus transported them back to their childhood - but they were very different people now and the past seemed like another life. They all sat in the sunshine, the heat melting away their apprehensions, but still the atmosphere was awkward. There were so many things they wanted to say to each other and yet no one knew how to start.

  Gertrude brought out a tray of pisco sour and handed them around, wondering why the place vibrated with such intense joy and sadness all at the same time. For once her scowl was replaced with an expression of curiosity as she eyed the two strangers with suspicion. She was more perplexed when Hal asked for a glass of water.

  ‘I can’t believe you’re here,’ said Mariana happily. ‘After all this time, what possessed you?’

  Federica sipped the alcoholic drink she’d never been allowed to taste as a child and screwed up her nose. ‘This is so sour!’ she exclaimed.