“So very unjust.” Serene nodded solemnly in agreement. “This world…so unjust…”
“Yes it is, thank you very much! And to top it all off you won’t even tell me where we’re going!”
“That’s because surprise is integral to the enjoyment of our family getaway.”
“Fine. Whatever. Just… I…drop it. I don’t want to talk about it. Puts me in a bad mood. You’ll have to forgive me if I find this ‘wonderful’ experience of yours incredibly depressing and stressful.”
“On a side note, your continued ignorance of the plan is likely in your own best interests as well. In the unthinkably unlikely event we be captured I wouldn’t want the details to be tortured out of you,” Serene added nonchalantly. “I have no reservations about your impeccable character, though I am much less confident of your ability to withstand an intense troll interrogation.”
“Torture? Troll interrogations?”
“Yes, they often pull your fingers off and shove them…well, never you mind.”
“Damn it all, Serene! What the hell have you gotten us into?!”
“Now, now, now, don’t let your overactive imagination get the best of you again. Trust me, dear boy, everything will turn out splendidly. I won’t let those sadistic little buggers lay a finger on that adorable face of yours.”
“Oh, God, it just keeps getting worse and worse…” he groaned, leaning forward, palms pressed against his face.
“Someone needs a strong drink and a nap, I think.”
“No, Serene.” Alex looked into Serene’s eyes, a desperate, pleading look in his own. “I want…I need some stability back in my life. I mean, how long do you think you can keep this up? Do you plan on running for the rest of your life, dragging all of us behind?”
“Look at that quaint little farmhouse over there!” Serene blurted, thrusting her pointed finger in front of Alex. “Reminds me of this marvelous bed and breakfast I stayed in with Rupert back in Yorkshire. The proprietor would craft the mot succulent omelets each morning from eggs she had laid herself. Imagine that! Fascinating. Utterly fascinating. And the bed was magnificent! If we ever reach England in our travels I shall have to take you there. Damn, I wish I had a camera!”
Alex sighed heavily, shook his head, then leaned back, closed his eyes, and tried his best to block out Serene’s voice. The crazy woman could never be reasoned with, nor could she seemingly ever come to understand his perspective. He was powerless, held tightly in her clutches, and wholly reliant on her assuredly insane, half-baked plan — whatever the hell that was. The way things were going, those stupid cows would be around longer than he would.
Chapter 3- The End of the Road
The monotonous hours had ticked away with excruciatingly slow rebelliousness, while the mind-numbingly dull gray asphalt of the interstate continued infinitely into the horizon, seemingly never changing in the slightest. An incessant thump had been reverberating in Alex’s ears all day as the Rolls Royce coasted over the seams in the road, like a torturous metronome from Hell. It was already late afternoon, the sun sagging tiredly into the western sky. Moody had driven them many hundreds of miles, yet the view of the surroundings had remained virtually identical since the morning. The hunchback had only stopped twice briefly throughout the course of the day to refuel in rustic, country towns. Alex had immediately volunteered to pump the gas on each occasion, as his legs and back were killing him from sitting so long, coupled with the fact that he’d do practically anything to get away from being cooped up in the back seat with Serene for even a few short minutes. Surprisingly, Moody had in her possession an unusually large roll of U.S. twenty-dollar bills, which Alex used to pay for fuel and to purchase snacks. But aside from these painfully brief breaks, they had pressed onward at maximum speed. He had long since abandoned any efforts of forging conversation with the present company, and with nothing to read or occupy his mind, the tediousness of this so-called holiday was beginning to generate a strong feeling of irritably and restlessness. He almost began wondering if life in an Eville jail cell would be better than this misery.
Just as Alex was beginning to think that he couldn’t endure a single agonizing mile more, Moody abruptly veered off the interstate to the left onto an unmarked dirt road. On each side of the road were what appeared to be tall, brown crops of some sort, reaching a good six feet in height, though Alex thought that the plants looked more like weeds than anything worth harvesting. Because of these odd plants very little could be seen of what lay ahead, and after several miles down the dirt road Alex began to envy the splendor of the endless fields and moronic cattle he had been forced to stare at all day. It wasn’t until a full forty minutes had passed, the interstate now far behind them, that these crops finally thinned and they came upon a large open space a good two miles wide.
Forming a sort of natural fence, the tall crops circled this open stretch of level grassy fields, dotted sporadically with small bursts of yellow wildflowers. Running free range within this area was a motley collection of chickens (several possessing two heads), goats, dairy cows, and an astonishingly fat horse covered in thick, matted, black hair like a yak, its gnarly mop of a tail swishing from side to side to keep the buzzing flies at bay. In the center of the open space, positioned next to a large wooden barn and silo, lay a sprawling, single level country house. The homestead had been painted a mild yellow with white trim, and a bright red screen door at the entrance grabbed the viewer’s attention immediately. Many cheerful windows lined the side of the building, and built upon the front of the structure was a wide, covered porch, complete with several inviting rocking chairs, looking to have been frequently used.
Moody followed the dirt road up to the front of the farmhouse, then slowly came to a stop and parked several yards from the porch. Without a word the hunchback exited the car, snorted the thick, heavily country-scented air, and proceeded to grumpily kick at a three eyed chicken that had wandered over to investigate the visitors. The startled bird hurriedly trotted off, clucking its outrage, a trail of drifting feathers in its wake. Moody now walked around to the trunk of the vehicle, opened the latch, and began hauling out suitcases and boxes, which she lugged over to the porch and proceeded to roughly heap on top of each other.
Alex turned to Serene. “So are you finally going to tell me where it is you’ve brought us?”
The inventor remained seated, perfectly silent, head motionless, but her deep black eyes slowly panned back and forth across the farm. A curious look adorned her face, unusually thoughtful, and punctuated with an uncanny mixture of nostalgic joy and long buried sadness. It was obvious that this was a place intimately familiar to her, and Alex could almost see the years of experiences, wondrous as well as horrific, replaying within the inky pools of her eyes.
“Hello?” Alex asked again in frustration. “I asked a question, you know. Hello? Anyone? Moody, would you please tell me where we are?”
Moody lifted a box out of the trunk, paused to look straight at Alex, then rolled her eyes and shook her head in irritation before plodding over to the porch and dropping the box with a crunch.
“Thanks for ignoring me. I really appreciate it. I don’t suppose you know where we are, Marco?” he asked, leaning over the front passenger seat. Marco’s Etch-a-Sketch remained motionless, the brain likely asleep, or in some trance-like state similar to it. “Isn’t this lovely,” Alex sighed. “Best vacation ever. I’m having so much fun I could die.”
Leaving Serene to her memories, Alex hopped out of the car, stretched his arms and legs, and began assisting Moody with the luggage, giving her as filthy a look as he could muster, which naturally had the vastly disappointing effect of doing absolutely nothing. As he deposited a suitcase with care on the porch, Alex was startled by the loud creaking of old, rusty springs stretching angrily as a screen door was slowly forced open. Alex looked up to see an astoundingly tall man, easily close to seven feet in height, standing with the screen door held open by a massive, calloused, sun-baked hand
. Upon the man’s feet were a pair of worn, dirt encrusted boots, covered from the ankle up by a pair of beaten, stained blue jeans which seemed to rise up for eternity on his wiry legs. About his waist was a thick leather belt, clasped with an oval belt buckle of copper, and accessorized by a disgusting shrunken head set directly in its center. Covering his lanky torso was a simple, long sleeved plaid shirt of dull red. The man’s face had a tint of redness to it, sunburned through long hours of exhausting work under the blazing sun. His hair was light brown, with a dusting of gray settling in above his ears. Kindly hazel eyes looked out upon the newcomers hospitably, and the rather yellowed teeth of his wide smile were so infectiously friendly, Alex immediately smiled right back at the sight.
“Well, now,” the tall man said in a slow, deep voice. “Looks as though we have some hopelessly lost folks in our yard. Whatever are we to do with them?” The man’s smile grew wider as he spoke, and from his tone it became obvious that this good-natured fellow was no stranger to Serene and Moody.
“Don’t just stand there like a lazy scarecrow, Eugene! Move your buns and help with the luggage,” a high pitched, cheerful voice squeaked from behind the man. An exceptionally rotund, large-breasted hunchback bustled from under Eugene’s outstretched arm and onto the porch, her wild mass of strawberry colored hair barely reaching the height of the man’s belt buckle. She possessed sparkling, boisterous green eyes, rosy cheeks, and more freckles than stars in the night sky. Her smile was even wider and more joyful than Eugene’s, although her teeth were horrendously crooked and tainted an unhealthy shade of gray. Her attire was of the same practical, hard-working sort as the man’s: dusty little brown boots, beaten old jeans, and a simple, buttoned up long sleeve shirt of tan with the print of black scorpions running through it.
“My dearest Thistle!” Serene said, walking up from behind Alex with a smile to match her hosts.’ The inventor kneeled down and hugged the plump hunchback tightly, then lightly kissed her forehead. Serene continued looking into the bright green eyes of her friend for several seconds, that thoughtful expression having returned to the inventor’s face once more, before finally standing up and embracing the man, still standing motionless with the screen door in his hand. “Eugene! You’re as virile as ever! If I weren’t the most wanted woman on the face of the earth, I should devote all of my attention to stealing you all for myself.”
“Eh, you can have him,” Thistle chirped happily, with a lazy wave of her hand.
Eugene blushed, while his large left hand squeezed Serene’s shoulder fondly. Then with a nervous cough, he courteously stepped aside, greeted Alex with a strong, confident handshake, and picked up two pieces of luggage and hauled them into the house.
“Moody! You’re as beautiful as ever!” Thistle wrapped her stumpy arms around the other hunchback, squeezing her tightly, while Moody groaned, appearing wholly inconvenienced, and gave Thistle’s back an obligatory pat.
“Thistle, my dear, I should like you to meet the newest addition to the Necrosia clan,” Serene said with a wave at Alex.
“Hey, it’s a pleasure to meet you,” he said with a smile to the hunchback, hand outstretched in greeting.
“We don’t shake hands with family around here, Alex,” Thistle laughed, then wrapped her arms around him, and gave him a vigorous, playful shake. “Now come on in! Don’t worry about your things! I’ll have Eugene bring them in. Come in! Come in!” The pudgy hunchback waved her guests inside, and then shuffled through the front door, calling for Eugene to bring in the remainder of the luggage.
The interior of the house was appropriately rustic, full of earthy tones and unfinished, knotty wooden surfaces. Simple paintings of rural countryside dotted the walls, with the occasional obscure animal hide tacked on here and there, while the impressive head of a walrus complete with long, blood stained tusks, had been stuffed and mounted above the hearth on a far wall of the living area. The sun was overflowing with cheerful light bursting through the windows, with the long, flower-print curtains pushed to the extreme ends of their rods. In addition to the quaint atmosphere, Alex was immediately charmed by how these two individuals of drastically differing physiques had adapted to life together. Next to a tall bookshelf was a much shorter one. To the left of the fireplace was a large recliner, and to the right, one nearly a quarter of its size. The entire feel was as bizarre as everything else he had seen in Eville, but here the oddity coalesced into a welcoming, homey environment.
“Eugene and I have been expecting you to come here as soon as we saw that you were being hunted on the news,” Thistle went on cheerfully. “We just didn’t know exactly when that would be. I’m sure relieved to know you’re here safe and sound.”
“Bah!” Serene huffed, waving her hand in the air. “Those imbeciles in Eville couldn’t uncover sand in a desert. Evading them has been entirely trivial.”
“Good,” Thistle nodded happily. “Anyway, I’m going to whip us up a big old feast tonight, and in the meantime I want all of you to make yourselves at home. Can I get you anything? Something to drink? How about you sweetheart, you hungry?” she asked Alex.
“Oh, no thank you. Not at the moment, anyway.”
“Sure I can’t get you something?”
“Well, honestly, since you asked…is there someplace I could go to get cleaned up a bit?” he asked sheepishly.
“Absolutely. Eugene will show you to the tub and fetch you a clean towel. Eugene! Eugene! Alex wants to take a bath.”
Alex was overjoyed to be led to a surprisingly clean bathroom, featuring a deep, inviting bathtub, coupled with the news that Moody had the foresight to bring along a clean set of his work clothes. Once he had washed up, the previously pure water in the tub transformed into a filthy black sludge, gurgling loudly as it spiraled down the drain. Now looking and feeling like an entirely new man, Alex walked back to the living room and heartily took Thistle’s invitation to make himself at home by throwing his achy body onto a long, comfortable-looking sofa.
“Here, son, have a cold one.”
Alex opened his eyes and saw Eugene towering above him, a frosty bottle in his hand. “Oh, thanks man,” he replied, sitting up and taking the bottle.
“It sure is nice to have some company,” Eugene said with a smile, throwing his tall frame into the larger recliner, leaning back, extending the footrest, followed by a long swig on his own bottle. “I can’t remember the last time we had houseguests.”
“Thank you for your hospitality. After everything that has happened the past few days, it feels as though it has been years since I’ve been able to relax. You have no idea how appreciative I am.”
“Our pleasure, Alex.”
“So…how is it that you two know Serene and Moody?”
“She didn’t tell you where you were going, did she?” Eugene asked with a laugh.
“Not a word. I had absolutely no idea what to expect when I stepped out of the car.”
“That’s Serene for you. She never changes. Well, Thistle and I have known Serene for ages. In fact, we were working for her long before Moody was even born.”
“You used to be her employees?”
“Still are,” the man replied. “You saw all those tall plants surrounding the farm? My duties primarily revolve around those little beauties. Season after season.”
“And what are they exactly?”
“Serene calls them sorghum Varlicallis, though we typically refer to them as simply Varlic plants.”
“No kidding? So that’s what Varlic is made out of?”
“Not entirely, but the plant is a key ingredient. The hardy thing is of her own making.”
“You grow all of it here?”
“Oh, no. We’re the smallest operation amongst all of them. There are dozens of farms many times this size around the world that provide the bulk of the harvest. But we were the first. This is where Serene and Richard dreamed the whole thing up. And if it ever comes down to it, we’d be the last.”
“I’m sorry. Ric
hard?”
“He was her husband, you see. Number…um…six, if I’m not mistaken. She’s had so many, though, I can’t hardly keep them straight. This used to be their home. Well, one of them, anyways.”
“Really? This place doesn’t exactly strike me as Serene’s style.”
“Richard owned this property long before he got together with Serene. I don’t believe he ever cared so much for the mansion in Eville. So, for a majority of their marriage this was the place they called home. But after Richard passed on, Serene couldn’t bear to stay and returned to her family estate. At the same time, she didn’t want just anyone to come into possession of this country house —too many special memories, I believe. So, in the kindness of her heart, Serene gave the homestead to Thistle and me. And…this is where we’ve been ever since, harvesting the Varlic plant crops.”
“How did Richard die?”
“Pig stampede.”
“Pig stampede?” Alex asked, a puzzled look on his face.
“Terrible way to go. Happens more often than people realize. Another ever present danger of country life. But enough of that. I imagine you’ve had enough bad news lately as it is. You just relax and make yourself comfortable. You don’t have anything to worry about while you’re under our roof. Now, I have a few things to take care of before supper. So, if you’ll excuse me…”
Eugene sat up from his recliner and exited the house through the front door. Alex in turn leaned back, sipping his drink, pondering Serene’s expression at their arrival, and wondered what thoughts and emotions were tumbling about in that crazy mind of hers. Behind her cavalier exterior, it was easy to forget how much loss and tragedy she had suffered in her wild life. What manner of curse had been inflicted upon her so as to lose every man that entered her heart? And how in the Hell had she been able to survive everything and remain in one piece all these years? Musing on these things, Alex stretched out on the couch again, curling his toes forward as far as they could reach, and allowed himself the luxury of feeling relaxed and secure for the first time in ages.
Eville's Most Wanted Page 2
