by Saundra
“Hey,” she spoke before I could say anything.
“What’s good? You okay?” I asked.
“I’m fine. I just want you to know that I really appreciate you taking the step to come here today.”
“No, it’s fine.” I wanted to reassure her. The last thing I wanted to do was make her think I was mad for coming.
“No, for real. Let me say this.” She held up her hand to stop me. “I know this was hard for you to commit to. And not for nothin’, I want you to know that I appreciate it.”
“It’s all good. Trust me, I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t. Now let’s go in here and get this over wit’.”
Once inside, my nerves calmed a bit, as the office felt like home. The walls were decorated with fine African American art. I almost forgot where I was until Penny stepped up to the receptionist to check in. I took a seat on one of the plush chairs that were available. But no sooner had I sat down, a professional, petite black lady with her hair up in a bun stepped out and said Penny’s name. She gave Penny a gentle smile and me a nod. Penny looked at me and gestured for me to follow.
Inside her office, I got the same feeling, as it was decorated just as nicely as the common area. African American paintings and art were placed throughout. She stopped at the door and allowed us to enter her office.
“You two can have a seat wherever you would like.” I could tell right away she was soft-spoken. I took a seat on the love seat and Penny sat right next to me. “And who do I have the pleasure of meeting?” She smiled at me.
“Hi, I’m Secret, Penny’s older sister.”
“I guess I would be blind if I couldn’t see that.” She grinned. “Hi, I’m Dr. Cesaley Wright.” She extended her hand to me. I wanted to say, ‘I’m well aware of who you are; I’m the one who pays that expensive-ass bill you send every month.’ But even though Jackie didn’t raise me right, I knew how to act in public, so I chilled.
“Nice meeting you.” I reached out and shook her hand. She walked over to her desk, grabbed a notepad, and sat down on a couch that was across from us. The room was silent a minute too long for me. I didn’t come there to hang, so I cut to the chase. “So Penny has been telling me that you wanted to see me?”
“Yes and no.” She slid a pair of glasses on. Now I was confused, because I was deaf or crazy. My eyes went to Penny, who glared at the doctor.
“Could you be more specific about that?” I swallowed hard. I had to check my mood and quickly. Penny seemed nervous. “What’s up, Penny?” My eyeballs burned a hole in the side of her face. “Penny, speak up!”
“Secret, what I meant by yes and no was . . .”
“Yeah, hurry up and spit that shit out. I don’t have all day.” I was losing my control.
“Secret, don’t do that.” Penny turned to me. I was embarrassing her.
“Like I was saying . . .” Cesaley jumped back in. “I requested that you to come in here because Penny has some things that she needs to say to you. And as her therapist, my goal is to help her make comfortable transitions. In other words, her feelings, thoughts, emotions, anything that’s inside, need to come out so that she can heal properly. Otherwise, nothing I do or say will be effective. She will crawl back into the hole, however small it might be, once these sessions are over, and regardless of the time spent here with me. But deeper into the abyss of her depression. The choice is yours.”
Why Cesaley thought it necessary to be so dramatic was a mystery to me. But I had heard her, and now I needed to hear from Penny, because anything she had to say to me, she could have said to me away from this office. I turned my attention back to Penny.
“Penny, you do know that you can talk to me about anything, right?” I needed to clear that up right away.
“Yeah, but this is different.”
“How?” My tone was demanding as I scooted to the edge of the couch.
Again Penny went quiet. I looked at Cesaley, writing on her pad. She looked up at Penny. “You have to start somewhere. There is no right or wrong. You can do it.”
Penny looked at me. Something in her eyes was different, something I couldn’t quite put my finger on whether I had ever seen it. My heart sped up; I took in a deep breath without opening my mouth or even meaning to breathing in. “Secret, we have always shared a tight bond. No matter how bad or good things were, I had you there. I could count on that, and I did . . .” She paused. “I came to you and told you I needed to be independent, and I felt that. Needed, even. I could no longer be your burden.”
It broke my heart into a million pieces to hear her say that she thought she was a burden to me. “Penny, don’t say that. You could never be a burden to me. You are my baby sister, I love you.”
“I know that. But you needed to live on your own to be a person. All your life has been spent protecting and loving me. I had to think of you . . . Me moving out killed two birds wit’ one stone: me gaining independence and you freedom. Only it wasn’t that easy. Those sleepless nights since the rape wouldn’t let me rest. No matter how hard I prayed, no matter what. They kept comin’ and comin’ like a thief in the night to claim me as bait . . .” I couldn’t believe what was coming out of her mouth. I had had no idea.
“So I thought moving Jackie in and having someone else in the house would help. I was wrong . . . so very wrong. It only got worse. But I noticed that when I drank, my mind found silence, and I found sleep. And the more I realized the alcohol was helping, I found hope in believing it was my cure. So, see, I was never hooked, I was relieved.” Tears rushed down Penny’s face.
I stood up. I had to think there was no way what she was saying was true. There is no way she had done that to herself. I wouldn’t believe it. I paced. I could feel Dr. Wright’s and Penny’s eyes all over me. I didn’t care. I had to rationalize why she would lie to me. It came to me. “No, you just saying this because you don’t want me to blame Jackie. But I do know she did that to you. And she still have you protecting her with these horrible lies that you turned yourself into an alcoholic.”
“Stop with that, Secret,” Penny screamed, and she balled her hands in her lap. I stopped pacing. “Just please stop fuckin’ saying that to me. Didn’t you just hear anything I just said? I sat here and poured out my truths, and all you think of is Jackie. Always Jackie. As much as you hate her, it will not change the fact that she did not start me to drinking. She never gave me one drink; she never even knew I was drinking. And I’m tired of repeating this to you. Just shut the fuck up wit’ that already.”
Dr. Wright stood up and walked over to Penny and rubbed her back, clearly to calm her down. “Penny, take a few breaths and relax. It’s okay for Secret to question, she needs to rationalize.”
I looked at Penny, and for the first time, I heard her and knew that she was telling the truth. She still suffered from the rape. And I had never paid enough attention to even see what was clearly there. I was in such a hurry to heal her so that she could be normal again and get on with her life. I never truly gave her time to heal her wounds, so she covered them up and hid behind a mask to please not only the world but me. Not only was I stubborn, I was selfish as hell, and to mask my bullshit, I blamed her drinking on Jackie. This way I didn’t have to face the truth. I had caused my sister’s rape and then her mental breakdown that led her straight to the bottle. Suddenly, I had no more strength, and my legs gave way. I dropped to the floor.
Penny rushed over to me. “Secret, are you okay?” She cried over me.
“I am so sorry for what I have done to you, Penny. It’s all my fault. Everything that happened. The rape, your drinking. All me,” I sobbed.
“That’s not true. So don’t say it.” She lifted me up.
“Yes, it is, and I apologize. I’m so sorry.”
“That’s not what I want, because I don’t blame you. I blame the person who raped me. We have had so many challenges growing up. And I know Jackie is the underlying reason for your hurt, your pain. She’s mine, too. But I have tried to work toward
forgiving her so that I can move on. I know you may never forgive her, but I want you to learn to deal wit’ it. Because you can’t go through life like this. We can’t go through life like this.”
I nodded my head in agreement. My heart was in so much pain, there were just no words that I could deliver. I needed peace and I needed it soon. Life was holding me in its fist so tight. I was sure to suffocate if I didn’t come up for air. But there was no hole where that air could seep in.
Chapter 33
Isis
Bobbi had been calling up a lot with questions about this or that while he was preparing to open his new clothing store. I know I had extended the offer, but I hadn’t really believed he would take me up on it. Or would have to. He told me had a successful business in New Jersey already. But he claimed he was sure there were things he could have been doing to work smarter, not harder. However, I was starting to believe he was using the opening of the store as an excuse to call me. I didn’t mind, though; I actually enjoyed hearing him get excited over some of my techniques.
All that was finally over, though; Bobbi’s new clothing store was all done. He had had a grand opening a few days before, but I couldn’t attend. We had a huge shipment of cocaine being delivered, and there was no way of getting out of that. But Bobbi had been bugging me nonstop to come by and check out the store. So since today was my day off, I decided to take him up on that. Typing the address into my GPS, I balled out.
“I thought you had changed your mind.” Bobbi grinned as soon as he had me in sight. I had to admit the store was nice. Kinda put me in mind of Buckle in the mall. I had to admit it looked all together.
“I think you know I’m a woman of my word.” I took in the whole store. A dark chocolate, tall, skinny girl stood by behind the counter.
“Hi,” she said when I glanced in her direction.
“That’s Lesley, my new employee.” He turned to face her. “Lesley, this is my close friend Isis. Whenever she in here, always give her the VIP treatment, discounts, the whole nine.”
“Not a problem.” She smiled.
“Trust, I will be looking for the hookup. Nice meeting you, Lesley.” I smiled, too. “She looks young,” I pried.
“She is nineteen. College and all that, her schedule works wit’ what I need. Part-time and all.”
“Oh, okay. That’s cool.”
“Yeah, I hired two other full-timers, and Melvin gone take care of the rest. I’ll be back and forth from here to Jersey.” It sounded like he had it all figured out.
“You got it all together; I must say I’m impressed. I see you got that True Religion up in here.” I used my eyes to continue to browse.
“No doubt. Let me show you around.” He took the lead, and I followed. I was glad to see he even had some red-bottoms for the ladies. “You got some stuff. How was the grand opening?”
“Packed. Sales were through the roof. I didn’t know Florida was still showing ya’ boy love like that.”
“Hey, don’t doubt us. One thing for sure, we got money to spend out here.” I giggled. “And I’m sure every drug dealer that was close showed up.”
“Listen, I am not the IRS, I don’t ask any questions about the coin. All money is accepted.”
“I feel you.” I laughed. “I’m for you, though.”
“That means a lot, coming from you.” He reached out and gently touched my cheek. I played it cool, but I was stunned, not because I couldn’t believe he had done it, but because I didn’t know how I felt about it.
“Soo . . .” I stalled. “Ummm, I kinda got a few things planned since it’s my day. You know I spend so much time working. I’m going to spend the rest of my day knocking things off my to-do list. So I’ma get outta here.”
He stared at me for a moment. “You’re not upset wit’ me, are you?” He looked me directly in the eyes.
“I’m cool. I told you I would stop by, and I did.”
“A’ight. I won’t hold you up. Thanks for coming through.”
With that I was out. And it’s not like I had lied; I did have plans, to do whatever I felt like doing. And today I felt like checking out some whips. A Porsche, to be exact. I pulled onto the lot and was in Porsche heaven. I couldn’t wait to at least sit in one.
“I’m Jeff, and you are?” This short, middle-aged white guy with red hair approached. He wasn’t attractive, but he smelled hella good. And oddly, he had a slick pimp to his walk.
“Just looking.” I smiled. “Just kidding; my name is Isis.” I reached out to shake his extended hand.
“Which one would like to drive off in today? Or are we going custom?” Dude didn’t waste any time.
“Jeff, how do you know I got it like that? Maybe I’m just a dreamer who spends endless hours window shopping.”
He looked me over and smiled. “There is nothing about you that says dreamer. There is nothing on this lot that you can’t have.” I was feeling Jeff’s style; he was a charmer, which could in some cases make up for his not-so-good looks. He had my vote.
“Really.” I grinned. “Yep, you good at what you do. Now show me around.”
Jeff must have showed me every Porsche on the lot from the 911 to the 718 Cayman, and I loved each and every one. Now I saw how Secret had ended up with the Ferrari. The car lot was a complete addiction. I was craving a Porsche, now that I was on the lot. That craving reached an all-time high by the time Jeff walked me onto the showroom floor. I nearly crashed and burned when I got a glance of the all-black Panamera model with Bordeaux red leather interior and twenty-inch turbo wheels. I was in complete love with it. I told Jeff to have the paperwork started. I made a quick dash to the bank and visited my safe deposit box.
See, Jeff was like Jack, who had sold Secret the Ferrari. It wasn’t a coincidence that I went to that specific Porsche lot. Jeff had come highly recommended by Kirk, and when I had called Kirk up the day before and told him I would be out looking, he had given Jeff a call, so even though we had never met or seen each other, we played the game well. All we knew about each other before today were our names.
Back at the lot I handed Jeff a hundred twenty stacks and he gave me legit paperwork and the promise that my Audi that I had driven to the lot would be delivered later that day to my house. With a huge smile I thanked him, jumped in my beautiful Porsche, and set out to give the streets a piece of my new blessing.
I pulled up to a red light and leaned my head back onto the headrest. It was so comfortable, I could just about close my eyes and go to sleep. A quick glance to my right told me my Porsche was pulling status already. A fine redbone dude was admiring the car. He looked at me and winked before speeding off in his brand-new Camaro. I almost forgot where I was until cars behind me started to blow. To show them I was a boss, I burned rubber, leaving my skid marks as memories.
I found the closet route to the interstate and got on it. I needed to put the Porsche to the test. And trust, it lived up to my expectations. I laid it down and the gas pedal felt like butter. I was riding high and on one. But the flashing of red and blue lights through the rearview mirror put things in perspective. Slowing down, I pulled off the highway.
“Would there be any particular reason you in a hurry, young lady?” the old black cop with a gray-and-white beard asked. The glass part of his eyeglasses was dark like shades, so I couldn’t see his eyes.
“Not really . . .” I decided to just keep it real. “Listen, I literally just drove this car off the showroom floor. I had to try it out. But I promise I don’t normally drive like this.” I hoped he believed me.
He observed the car. I could tell he was holding back a grin. “This is a fine automobile.”
“Thank you.” I wasn’t sure if I should smile or not. The last thing I wanted was a ticket.
“In honor of your new car, I’m just gone warn you. Slow this thing down, young lady. And you have a good night.” He grinned.
“I will.” He nodded and turned and walked away. I breathed a sigh of relief. Readjusting my thoug
hts, I pulled back into oncoming traffic, but I still did a cool seventy; hell, I was driving a new Porsche. I was sure it was a rule not to the do the speed limit. I couldn’t disappoint.
Driving along, I began to think about Bobbi’s store, and it got me to thinking about Secret and how we dreamed of opening up a business. To see Bobbi do it so effortlessly had me motivated. My thoughts were really about a shoe store, since we both were shoe fanatics. Obviously, we would excel at it. Actually, I believed we could excel at anything we decided to do. Secret and I were both smart; our ideas would only multiply. Our only hold-back at this point was Kirk; we did a lot for him, and he really needed us. But I knew eventually in order for us to get our own start, we would have to step out and just do it. Maybe we could start without leaving Kirk all at once. I was sure there was something we could come up with that could make it happen. We just had to put our heads together.
One thing I was sure of: I was ready to do something. There was no time like the present. I was feeling good about everything. But I needed to make sure Secret was still all in. She had her hands full with work and family and decisions. I didn’t want to jump into anything that could be overwhelming for her at this time, because whatever we did, like always, we would do together and be on the same page. And I believed a shoe store could be perfect. Veering off the interstate, I decided to give Secret a call. I had to share the idea with her while it was fresh. Our biggest challenge was finding the right spot. The right location was the key to being successful because, in my opinion, you could have all the nice things you wanted, but if you were located in the wrong spot, it was for sure that you might never make a dime. I wasn’t about to make that mistake.
“Call Secret,” I said into my phone receiver. I couldn’t stop smiling, I was so excited to introduce my idea. But her cell phone rang until it went to voice mail. I tried a second time but got the same result. I hated when she didn’t answer and I had something I needed to get out. Annoying.
