‘Sam, don’t shut me out,’ he said in a quiet voice. ‘Not after . . . everything.’
‘This isn’t about you,’ she returned. ‘I just want to be with my kids.’
She straightened up and closed the car door. She walked determinedly down the path to the house and went inside without so much as a wave in Hal’s direction. She picked up the phone and dialled Max’s number. Thankfully it was her and not her machine that answered.
‘Hi Max,’ Sam breathed. ‘How early can you get here in the morning?’
‘Why? What’s going on?’
But Sam couldn’t speak any more. She just burst into tears.
Friday
Max had come to the house soon after Sam called and had stayed the night. Sam only gave her sketchy details – she couldn’t go into the whole drama with her at the moment. It was enough that Josh had broken his arm and was in the hospital. Max didn’t suspect there was anything more.
Sam left the house while they were all still sleeping. At the hospital, Josh had been moved from Casualty to a ward overnight. When she found her way there, he was awake but groggy.
‘How are you feeling, Josh?’ Sam said gently, after kissing him on the forehead. He didn’t protest this time. He looked frightened and much younger, like a little boy.
‘He’s had a bad night,’ said Jeff from his seat beside the bed. He looked dreadful, he must have hardly slept. There was a harshness in his eyes when they met Sam’s. ‘He couldn’t get comfortable with his arm strapped like that, and he was in a fair bit of pain.’
She stroked Josh’s forehead as Jeff spoke.
‘They’re coming to take him shortly. They’ve already given him something to relax him.’
‘Pre-ops,’ Sam nodded. ‘You’ll be alright,’ she said to Josh. ‘The worst of it will be over soon. Once your arm is set in plaster, you’re going to feel a lot better.’
He looked up at her bravely, but Sam could see the fear in his eyes. A nurse and an orderly arrived soon after, and Jeff and Sam followed as they wheeled his bed down to theatre. Sam stood holding Josh’s hand while the paperwork was completed. He held on tight. When they were ready to take him in, she kissed him on the forehead, and so did Jeff. She smiled bravely, trying to show Josh that she wasn’t worried, when in fact her insides were like jelly. The doors closed as they pushed his bed through, and after that they couldn’t see him any more.
‘You should go, Jeff, get some sleep,’ said Sam. ‘You look terrible. I’m staying anyway.’
He shook his head. ‘No, I want to be here when he wakes up.’
‘Fair enough.’ She paused. ‘Well, take a break then, get some coffee. Do you have any calls you have to make?’ she said, strategically avoiding Jodi’s name.
‘We have to talk, Sam.’
She sighed. ‘We will, but not now. I’m not up to it. And I don’t think you are either.’
‘I’ll be the judge of that,’ he said firmly.
Sam looked at him. She could see hurt and anger in his eyes, but also a kind of resolve.
‘I know you were in shock yesterday,’ Jeff began. ‘I understand that, honestly I do, I’m not being patronising,’ he added. ‘But you said some things that I believe were unreasonable, and if you take the time to think about them, once Josh is home and he’s okay, well, I think you might have a change of heart. That’s if you want the best for the kids, which I know you do, I know that’s all you’ve ever wanted. And it’s all I want too.’
Jeff didn’t usually talk so fast. Sam knew he was quite upset. She had to put him out of his misery.
‘Of course I was being unreasonable,’ she said plainly, watching the expression on his face shift. ‘Thank you for putting it down to shock. I hope that’s what it was. Or else I’ve turned into some kind of crazy, psycho bitch from hell.’
Jeff looked dumbfounded.
Sam sighed heavily. ‘I know we have a lot to talk about, Jeff. But I’m really not up to it right now. I wouldn’t be able to think straight and I’m likely to say something else I’ll regret. Can we just get through today, wait till we know Josh is alright?’
All signs of anger faded from his features. ‘Of course.’
They took a seat and waited together in silence. Sam was glad Jeff was there beside her. He was the only other person in the world who cared about Josh as much as she did. It was right that they were sharing this. It was right that they were both here for him. Jeff went home soon after they were shown into Recovery to see Josh. Sam stayed with him for the rest of the day. The hospital’s policy was to keep patients in for four hours after general anaesthetic, in case of complications. Josh bounced back quickly, being so young, and he was clearly experiencing relief with his arm secure. It wasn’t long before he complained he was hungry, and he woofed down the tray of food that was brought to him. Sam phoned Max around midday to let her know when they were likely to be home.
‘Hal’s called a couple of times,’ Max told her.
‘Oh?’
‘He didn’t want to bother you at the hospital, he just wanted to know when to come and pick you up. He said you should give him a ring.’
‘I’ll get a taxi.’
‘Why? Hal said it’s no trouble. He’s waiting to hear from you.’
‘Well, he can wait,’ said Sam impatiently. ‘I’ve got enough on my plate without worrying about him as well.’
‘What’s going on?’ said Max. ‘Have you two had another fight?’
‘No,’ Sam insisted. ‘He’s . . . it’s all too much to deal with at the moment, okay?’
‘He just wants to give you a lift, Sherl, what’s so hard to deal with about that? It’ll make things easier for you.’
‘Look, I’ll talk to him later. For now, I just want to bring Josh home as soon as they say so. I don’t want to be waiting around for a lift.’
‘Oh, so you’ll wait around for a taxi instead?’
‘Maxine!’ Sam snapped. Then she took a deep breath. She had to start controlling her temper. ‘Please, just trust me that I’m handling things the best way I know how. I’ll talk to Hal later. And I’ll see you in a couple of hours.’
When Sam and Josh arrived home the girls were absorbed in a video, but they stopped it long enough to fuss over his cast.
‘Very impressive, Josh,’ Max remarked. ‘You’ll pull the chicks with that.’
‘Can I write my name on it, Joshy?’ Ellie pleaded.
‘Maybe tomorrow,’ Sam interrupted. ‘He’s still a little sore.’
‘Can I go on the internet, Mum?’ asked Josh.
He must have been having withdrawals by now. ‘I suppose so, for a little while.’
‘It’s not going to hurt my arm, Mum,’ he pointed out.
‘No, just your brain,’ she quipped.
The girls went back to their video and Sam walked out to the kitchen. Max handed her a glass of wine. ‘Here you go,’ she said. ‘I figured you could use this. You had nothing in the fridge so I called Dan and he picked up some things. Just the basics – you know, milk, bread, chocolate. And dinner’s in the oven.’
Sam hooked her arm around Maxine’s neck and hugged her. ‘You are a wonderful woman. And Dan is a wonderful man, make sure you thank him for me.’
‘Speaking of wonderful men,’ Max said carefully, ‘Hal rang again.’
Sam sighed, taking a mouthful of wine.
‘What’s going on, Sam?’
She looked at Max. ‘More than I can handle.’
Max frowned at her.
‘When I got to the hospital yesterday, I freaked out at Jeff, I made a huge scene in the middle of Casualty. I said I wasn’t going to let him have the kids any more, that I’d go to a magistrate if I had to.’
Max whistled. ‘Still, you were in shock.’
‘Well, that’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it.’
‘But what’s that got to do with Hal? Are you worried he thinks you’re a nutter?’
‘Oh, it’s a bit late for me to s
tart worrying about that.’ She sighed. ‘It’s not that. I just don’t think this is the right time for me to be starting a relationship.’
‘Oh, not this again.’
Sam shrugged. ‘I haven’t worked myself out yet, how can I be any good to anyone else?’
‘You think that people in relationships are all worked out, Sam?’
‘No, that’s why so many of them are stuffed. I’ve already had one disaster, I don’t want another one right on top of it.’
‘Sam, you’re doing the avoiding thing –’
‘Sure I am,’ she agreed. ‘I’m avoiding stress and pain and heartbreak. Look what’s ahead of me. I have to sort things out with Jeff. Josh is going to need extra attention for the next month or two, physio, God knows what else. Ellie’s starting school in a couple of weeks. And I’m about to start a new job. I can’t cope with a relationship on top of all that.’
‘So take it slowly.’
‘Max, this would have to be the slowest courtship in history,’ Sam cried. ‘We’ve been skirting around the edges for almost a year. If it was going to work, it would have by now.’ She felt a cramping pain in her chest as she said the words. She looked squarely at Max. ‘I have a terrible feeling that Hal is the absolutely right person at the absolutely wrong time.’
By nine o’clock the children were all in bed, Max had left and the house was quiet. Josh had insisted he wasn’t tired and that he would read in his room for a while, but when Sam went to check on him, he was out like a light, a surfing magazine opened across his chest. She was worried about him, he was sure to have another unsettled night’s sleep. She left his door open so she would be able to hear him from her room. She needed to get to bed herself, but she was not so sure she’d be able to get to sleep.
Sam heard a knock at the front door. She had an uneasy feeling she knew exactly who it was going to be.
And she was right. As she opened the door, Hal was standing on the verandah, a faint, sad smile on his face, his eyes filled with concern.
‘Hey Sam, how’re you doing?’ he said quietly.
Oh, she was not ready for this.
‘Okay,’ she croaked. She stepped out onto the verandah, closing the door behind her.
‘You don’t want me to come in,’ he said in a resigned tone.
‘The kids are all in bed. I was just headed there myself.’
‘How’s Josh?’
‘He’ll be alright.’
‘What about you?’ he said gently.
She shrugged. ‘I’m just tired.’ She couldn’t look at him.
Hal reached up to stroke her cheek with the back of his fingers. Sam caught her breath. ‘Don’t . . .’
He let his hand drop. ‘Don’t do this, Sam. Not again.’
She lifted her eyes to meet his. ‘What do you mean?’
‘Don’t use this as another excuse to back away from me,’ he said squarely.
‘I’m not,’ Sam faltered. ‘It’s not an excuse.’
He folded his arms, watching her. ‘Then what’s this about?’
Sam could feel tears welling in her chest. She had to keep calm if she was going to get through this. She took a breath. ‘I just can’t cope with all of this right now. At the beach, alone with you, it was wonderful, Hal. But it wasn’t real life. I was kidding myself. I have three kids, a job, an ex-husband. That’s my life, I can’t pretend it doesn’t exist.’
‘I never asked you to do that.’
‘You asked me to ignore the phone,’ she returned, biting her lip.
He frowned. ‘What?’
Sam cleared her throat. ‘I should have answered my phone.’
‘It wouldn’t have made any difference,’ said Hal. ‘Josh’s arm was already broken.’
‘I realise that. But at least I should have picked up the damned phone!’ she said, raising her voice.
‘What difference would it have made?’ Hal cried.
‘It would have made a difference to me!’ Sam was shouting now. Her words echoed in the space between them.
Hal glared at her. ‘You’ll find any damn excuse, won’t you, Sam? Any opportunity to see the worst. What’s wrong with you? What the fuck does it take to make you happy?’
‘I don’t know,’ Sam swallowed, staring up at him earnestly. ‘I honestly don’t know. I’m beginning to think it’s a family curse.’ She took a breath, trying to collect herself. ‘I feel like I don’t even know who I am. I was somebody else in my marriage. I playacted a role for sixteen years, and now this is real life without the safety net and I’m not sure if I can do it.’
‘Then let’s do it together,’ he urged.
She met his eyes directly. ‘Don’t you see, Hal, I have to do this for myself. You can’t fix it this time. You can’t make it right.’
‘But I love you, Sam. And I think you love me,’ he went on. ‘You’ve never said the words, but I’ve seen it in your eyes –’
‘Of course I love you,’ Sam blurted.
He stared at her, breathing hard. ‘Then we can make it work,’ he insisted, grasping her hands. But she shrugged them off.
‘Just loving each other isn’t enough, Hal! Jeff and I loved each other once. So did you and Lisa. My father must have loved my mother enough to marry her. Love is overrated!’ she declared, raising her arms. ‘You might have a few good years, as long as you’re not being jealous or possessive or pissed off with each other for some reason. But you do have passion and that keeps you going, you put up with all the rest. Then after a while the passion fades, you can’t be bothered being jealous or possessive, you’re just pissed off. You’ve got bills and a mortgage and all the rest of the shit, and you stop having sex and you don’t even like each other any more,’ she cried, her voice breaking. ‘And then it’s just awful. I don’t want to go through that again.’
‘It doesn’t have to be like that, Sam,’ said Hal.
‘But it seems to be how things turn out, more often than not,’ she said sadly. ‘You turn into some kind of crazy person, standing in a crowded hospital waiting room, screaming at the father of your children, the man you vowed to love for the rest of your life.’
‘He was the one who left you.’
Sam stared at Hal. ‘That’s right. He did.’
He held her gaze for a moment before turning away, sighing heavily. He rubbed his forehead with his hand, and then turned back to look at her again. ‘So what are you saying?’ he said, frustrated. ‘You’re going to cocoon yourself so you can’t possibly get hurt again? What kind of a life is that?’
‘A less complicated one.’
‘But life is complicated, Sam!’ Hal insisted. ‘It’s messy, shit happens, that’s how you know you’re alive. You can’t keep everything neat and tidy and organised.’
‘I’m going to have to try. For the sake of my children.’
‘And what about your needs?’
‘It’s not about what I need.’ She breathed out heavily. ‘Please understand, Hal, this isn’t your fault. It’s nothing you’ve done. I just don’t want to be this crazy, out-of-control person any more, flying off the handle at people I care about. People who deserve to be treated better.’
Sam saw the pain in his eyes. He looked away, staring down at the ground. They were silent for a while. Eventually he thrust his hands in his pockets and lifted his gaze to meet hers again.
He sighed. ‘I never got to take you sailing.’
Sam had contained herself till now, but she couldn’t stop the sob that escaped from her throat. She dropped her head as tears brimmed over her lashes. Then she felt Hal’s hand on her chin, lifting it, wiping her tears away with his thumb. His face was close to hers.
‘Don’t kiss me,’ she said in a small voice.
He stared at her for a long time. Then his hand dropped away from her face. He turned and walked up the steps and out the gate. Sam went inside, closing the door behind her. But she had to hold her stomach as sobs wrenched from deep inside her. She slid down the wall to the f
loor, hugging herself, as though she might be able to stop her heart from breaking. But she couldn’t. And she realised then that she had never felt this before.
Saturday
Jeff pulled up outside the house at eleven o’clock. When he’d called to check on Josh, Sam had invited him over. She was emotionally exhausted, what little sleep she’d had only seemed to make her feel more tired. But she knew Jeff wanted to see his son, and they still needed to talk.
The kids were all out front, Josh basking in the attention of the neighbourhood and the exalted status he was enjoying since becoming the survivor of a motorbike accident. There would be no room left on the cast by the time it had been signed by all his fans.
Sam wandered out after a while, having allowed Jeff time to talk to the kids and meet their friends.
‘Hi,’ he said when he saw her.
She smiled faintly. ‘Hi.’
He took a couple of steps away from the pack. ‘They seem like a nice bunch of kids.’
‘They are.’ She hesitated. ‘Would you like to come inside for a drink? We can talk while they’re occupied.’
‘Okay.’
‘Jess, keep an eye on your sister,’ Sam called. ‘We’re just going inside.’
‘Why do I always have to look after her?’ Jessica whined. ‘Why can’t Josh do it?’
‘Because at the moment he’s only got one good arm,’ Sam replied. ‘You don’t have to do anything, just keep an eye out.’
‘And you be good for your sister, Ellie, and stay away from the road,’ Jeff warned.
‘I will, Daddy!’
‘Jeff,’ Sam began, after she’d made coffee and they’d taken a seat on the sofa. ‘I’m sorry about the scene at the hospital. I was angry –’
‘I know. You apologised already.’
‘Not properly.’
‘Sam, I understand. It’s over, okay?’
‘Okay. Thanks.’ She paused. ‘But we still have to talk about what happened.’
He looked at her, waiting.
‘We need to discuss things like this. When we were together we would have talked about something like taking them motorbike riding.’
Wife for Hire Page 47
