Shattered & Scarred

by A. J. Downey

  “You stupid fucking whore! What did you do!?” he screamed.

  Ethan folded me up against him. Strong arms going around me, sheltering me from the storm. The two deputies were yelling at Chadwick to calm down and to stop yelling. Maynard stood by and nodded once in my direction.

  “Ma’am,” he said plaintively, and that one word held so much. It was cold, and dispassionate and dripped with his disapproval and disdain. I opened my mouth before I could stop myself.

  “Truth is I don’t much care for you either Maynard.” I said and was surprised I didn’t burst into flames, spontaneously combust from his look alone. He’d known what Chadwick was doing, had known from the start, had even participated to some degree in ‘correcting’ my behavior.

  “Sir if you don’t stop screaming at your wife I’m going to put you in handcuffs and take you in on a charge of disorderly conduct.” the female deputy snapped. Chadwick stopped screaming and looked at her, realizing that this time his money and affluence held no sway.

  “What the fuck are you here for?” he demanded, face red, vein in the side of his neck throbbing at the perceived indignity.

  “I want my papers. That’s all. You can have everything else. I just want my license, my passport, my social security card and my birth certificate.” He tugged his sleeve cuffs and adjusted them smartly, pushing a hand through his hair.

  “They’re in the safety deposit box at the bank, darling.” He lied.

  “They’re in the wall safe in your office.” I said flatly. He was going to make me work for this. Ethan had taken up position behind me, his arms still around me, holding me on my feet. I was grateful.

  “No, they’re at the bank.”

  “Then you won’t mind showing us.” I said coolly.

  “Fine!” he snapped and stomped into the house. The deputies, Ethan, and I followed. Dragon, Doc, Reaver and Chandra stayed outside with Maynard.

  “Your boss is a dick.” I heard Reaver say.

  “Don’t bother Reaver, this one’s a dick too.” I heard Chandra’s voice clear and loud as I went into the house.

  Ethan was a warm comforting shadow at my back. He loomed over me and I drew what strength from him that I could. I was terrified, I didn’t want to be here. With every fiber that I was I wanted to tuck tail and run, far away from here… but Ethan was behind me, pushing me inexorably onward until we stood inside Chadwick’s study. I trembled and shook and felt like I couldn’t get enough air. Ethan’s hands descended on my shoulders and he kneaded them gently and suddenly I felt calm. I could do this.

  Chadwick took down the painting behind his desk, it was of some revolutionary war ship battle, and he keyed in the safe’s combine. He opened the door and pulled out file folders, slapping them on the desk.

  “See, I told you. Not here.” He crossed his arms and I went forward, slipping from Ethan’s grasp and went through the first file. Nothing, the second file held my birth certificate and marriage license as well as my social security card and mother’s death certificate. I sighed in relief. In the third file I found our passports.

  “I guess you were wrong.” I breathed. I met his cold gaze and stood my ground.

  “So it seems.” He scowled at me. He had expected me to cow down and take his word for it. That wasn’t going to happen.

  “Anything else my darling wife?” he asked, acid lacing his tone, a barely suppressed caustic rage emanating from every pore.

  “Yes.” I said defiantly, straightening, my important papers clutched to my chest. I went for the second floor and our bedroom. Ethan, the Sherriff’s deputies and my very angry husband hot on my heels.

  I snatched my iPod off the dresser and stuffed it in my dress pocket before anyone but Ethan could see. He smiled at me and I went to the closet. I pulled an old file box down and Ethan took it from me. It held a few mementos from my life before Chadwick Granger. Some high school yearbooks, photographs… that sort of thing. I pulled out the largest suitcase and began throwing clothes into it, from underthings to my yoga gear to jeans and sweaters and blouses to summer dresses until I could barely close it.

  “Like me to carry anything ma’am?” the female deputy asked and I nodded once and hefted some things on hangars. She threw them over her arm and I knelt in the back of the closet and pulled up the carpet there, revealing my secret stash.

  Chadwick looked apoplectic when I pulled out the journals. I stared across the short distance between us coldly and I put them into the box Ethan carried. He handed me the box and heaved the overstuffed suitcase by its handle.

  “C’mon Sunshine. Let’s get you out of here.” He said.

  “Yes. I’d like that.” I said and took Ethan’s hand, grateful for his strength.

  We all trouped downstairs. Maynard looked like he was seething and Chandra lit up.

  “Hey Baby! We’ve been having a good ‘ol time at the rent-a-cop’s expense out here. You missed it!” I blinked and gave a tentative smile in return. The suitcase, and clothes went into the back of the truck, the box I held Ethan took from me, sliding it into the truck.

  Chandra got in the driver’s side. I got in the passenger’s and took one last look at Chadwick. The look he gave me chilled me to the bone. He had murder in his eyes and I knew without a doubt that none of this was over, not by a long mile. Ethan looked from me to Chadwick then back to me. He leaned in the open door of the truck.

  “I’m right behind you Babe. It’s going to be fine.” He said and then he kissed me.

  My world stopped spinning, everything that had felt so out of control and completely mad the moment before simply fell away. It was a quick, chaste press of his lips over mine. My hand flew of its own accord, the scruff of two days growth scratching against my palm as I gently cradled his face and returned the press of his lips against mine. The universe seemed to hold its collective breath and all too soon he pulled away.

  He pressed his lips in one final kiss to my palm, his hand warm against the back of my own where he pressed it to his mouth before relinquishing his hold. My fingertips trailed across his stubble and skin and fell limp with shock and wonder into my lap. He shut the door to the truck with a hollow metal clang and I jumped.

  I looked across the drive way to Chadwick one last time. He’d gone very still and very cold. A snake in the grass.

  “I bet you won’t be so smart mouthed when there’s no one to stand behind you Ashton.” he said, crossing his arms.

  “Oh boy.” Chandra said and started the old pickup, the motor rumbling to life. The overwhelming growl of four motorcycles starting in unison filled the warm spring afternoon, shattering the idyllic silence. I spared a final look at Chadwick but he wasn’t looking at me anymore. He was staring at Ethan and the look on his face sent icy fingers of fear ticking down my spine.

  I sat back into the old worn bench seat as Chandra put it into drive and pulled down the long circular drive. A new kind of fear took root in my mind, planted by the seed of his chilling words; that one look. I sent up a fervent prayer that whatever bad thing that was going to happen would happen to me and not Ethan, because I knew my husband… I knew the monster that lived inside his head and the monster was hungry. I closed my eyes and prayed that I would be enough to sate it, and that Ethan would be spared.

  Please God, let him be spared.

  Much later on we were inside Ethan’s room at the club house.

  “Why did you kiss me?” I asked suddenly. We were trying to sort through the pile of things I had grabbed.

  Ethan looked up sharply from a photo of my mother and me, silver eyes startled.

  “Because you’re beautiful, because you’re amazing and because I wanted to.” He said, searching my face.

  “Oh.” I said softly.

  “Are you upset that I did?” he asked me. I thought about it for a moment.

  “No. I’m just… I… Are you..?” I sighed frustrated.

  “Babe, take a deep breath.” He said, placing a hand on my knee. He’d taken of
f of work for me, said he hadn’t had any clients today anyways which was a lie, I’d heard him cancel his one appointment for today when he’d thought I hadn’t been near.

  “Are you afraid this changes things?” he asked. I closed my eyes. I didn’t want to see his face…

  “Yes.” I opened them changing my mind and found he was smiling.

  “I’m still here.” He said, taking my hand, “I’m still me and you’re still you.” He added and sighed. He shoved everything ingloriously off the bed into a pile at the foot of it and stretched out.

  “Come here.” He said.

  I crawled up the bed and sat beside him. He patted his chest and I lay down, snug against his side cheek resting on the flannel of his shirt.

  “I like holding you like this.” He said, truth was I liked it too, “I’m going to miss it when you’ve got your own room.” He said, I nodded against him and closed my eyes breathing deeply his smell. He smelled like antiseptic from the tattoo shop and working machine parts from his motorcycle, he also smelled of fresh clean air and faintly of cigarettes. He smelled like he lived and I could appreciate that after years of overpowering aftershave and sterile lifeless suburban living.

  “You did good Sunshine. I’m proud of you.” He said quietly and my heart swelled from the praise.

  “Only because you were there to hold me up.” I whispered.

  “Naw, you could’ve done it on your own. You were fan-fucking-tastic today.” I sat up and looked down into his face.

  “Only because you were there to hold me up.” I reiterated and I took a deep breath and I kissed him.

  His lips moved slowly, sweetly over my own and I closed my eyes. I pulled back gently and whispered “Thank you,” and laid back down. His arm around my back tightened holding me to him, his fingers on the hand opposite stroked my hair back from my face. He sighed and relaxed into the mattress.

  “You’re welcome.” He said and we stayed like that, warm and comfortable until both of us fell asleep, though mine was uneasy, plagued by Chadwick’s threat.

  Chapter 9

  Trig…

  I woke up and she was gone again. How she managed to move around the room and not wake me up was a fucking gift from the gods. I sat up and sure enough, the room was immaculate. I was still wearing the same clothes from yesterday. We’d fallen asleep and I think had stayed asleep. It’d been a long time since I felt so well rested. I went out into the hall and heard music, well, singing…

  Loud and clear it came from the common room. I padded it sock covered feet down the hall and found Dragon and Reaver standing in the common room looking into the kitchen.

  “What’s up guys?” I asked and Reaver put a finger to his lips in the classic sign for shush and waved me over to stand with them. I stood by Dragon and felt a slow smile overtake my lips. I’d never heard anything but hushed tones and faint whispers come out of my Sunshine girl, but there she was, standing at the stove, voice loud and clear as a bell singing her little heart out.

  “I dreamed a dream in time gone by, when hope was high and life worth living! I dreamed that love would never die! I dreamed that God would be forgiving… Then I was young and unafraid and dreams were made and used and wasted! There was no ransom to be paid! No song unsung, no wine untasted!”

  Her voice was high and clear and perfect but the song was incredibly sad… We stood there dumbfounded and continued to listen as she sang and cooked at the stove. Her voice dropped and deepened…

  “But the tigers come at night… With their voices soft as thunder! As they tear your hope apart… As they turn your dream to sha-aaa-ame!” she poured everything she had into the song and it was both beautiful and heart breaking at the same time.

  “He slept a summer by my side, he filled my days with endless wonder, he took my childhood in his stride but he was gone when autumn came… And still I dream he'll come to me. That we will live the years together! But there are dreams that cannot be! And there are storms we cannot weather!”

  “Bullshit.” I caught myself muttering and Reaver elbowed me in the ribs.

  “Quiet man I want her to finish.” Dragon whispered harshly and I bit back a laugh.

  “I had a dream my life would be… so different from this hell I'm living! So different now from what it seemed… Now life has killed the dream I dreamed…” Her voice softened and broke elegantly at the end and I swear to Christ a tear sprang to my eye. Reaver sniffed and I looked over at him incredulously but that was when Ashton decided to turn around and saw all of us standing there like the eavesdropping idiots we were.

  She started hard and dropped her spatula with a clatter letting out a little shriek. Dragon and Reaver fell out laughing and I couldn’t help but smile and chuckle with them. She pulled her headphones out of her ears which were hidden beneath her hair and smiled, blushing a furious shade of pink.

  The two men started clapping and whistling and I went over to her. She was breathing hard from her fright and I pulled her into a hug.

  “You got a set of pipes kid.” Dragon commented.

  “Thank you.” Came her embarrassed reply, her face buried in my chest. I laughed.

  “Sorry we scared you.” I said.

  “It’s okay, sorry if I was being disruptive…”

  She was met with a round of “No…”, “Naw!” and “Not at all.” From the three of us.

  “Sing any time you like.” Dragon said, “Anyone gives you trouble you send ‘em to see me.” He took a seat at the bar, Reaver joined him and I reluctantly let her go, bending and retrieving her spatula for her. She washed it quickly at the sink.

  “What was that anyways?” I asked.

  “I dreamed a dream from Les Miserables.” She smiled and held up the pot, “Coffee?” she asked and was met by three caveman grunts in the affirmative.

  “You know its nice pee wee, but you don’t have to serve us.” Reaver said as she poured.

  “Oh it’s okay… I like to…” she put her headphones in and turned back to the kitchen. When she started singing again, softer this time, we traded looks.

  “How bad did I bone that last run?” I asked Dragon quietly.

  “You didn’t. My boy pulled it out.” Dragon answered.

  “Yeah, worth it.” I said.

  “Yeah, I don’t disagree.” The older man said.

  “Was that the last one?” Reaver asked.

  “For now, we got one more.” He grunted, “Then it’s time to cool it. We do any more they’re going to catch on and then this’ll turn into a real clusterfuck. Leastways now that we got people to worry about.” Dragon nodded in Ashton’s direction and I couldn’t help but smile.

  We weren’t your typical MC, at least not anymore. Once upon a time we’d done it all, running drugs, money, guns… you name it. The turnaround came about five years ago after Dragon’s Old Lady, Dray’s mom, got killed. A rival gang had shot up the old club house. She and two members had gone down in the fire fight.

  I was still just a prospect, fresh out of the military and off deployment looking for a home, trying to tame some demons of my own. After Dragon lost Tilly he decided to go legit, saying if he’d done it sooner than maybe she’d still be alive. We’d gone from an outlaw club to legit inside two years.

  Then last year we decided we could maybe do more and the pendulum swung the opposite direction. We went from illegal, to legit, to vigilante. The key of smack that I had failed to deliver, I had failed to deliver to the rendezvous point where we destroy those kinds of things. We had a strict rule about not bringing that shit near our house and I’d broken it bringing Ashton here.

  Never was I so grateful to be a member in good standing with the rest of these guys. Because of the circumstances I had not only managed to save her but my own ass from a serious beat down for breaking the rules. The votes hadn’t even been slim. Dray was the only one to vote in favor of kicking my ass. He was a hardcore stickler for the rules, which wasn’t a bad thing, it’s just not everything was so black
and white.

  Dray was pissed off at the fucking world, quick to anger and quicker to violence since his mom had died. Dragon kept him in line but just barely. He still had hope for his kid and the rest of us humored him but Dray just wasn’t cut from the same cloth. He was fiery and hot headed and hadn’t embraced the atonement the rest of us were trying to make for our past sins. He held a big fucking grudge that we hadn’t gone after the men that had got his mom right away. We’d done it but he’d wanted his retribution fast and bloody.

  Ashton set plates of French toast, bacon and eggs in front of Reaver and I and I smiled. She was going to make us too fat and bloated to ride with all these carbs…

  “Feel like hitting the weights after this brother?” Reaver asked.

  “Read my fucking mind.” I said, shoveling a fork full of eggs into my mouth. She set a plate in front of Dragon.

  “Over easy. Thanks darlin’.” He grinned and dug in.

  “That’s disgusting.” I commented as yolk oozed like snot across his plate.

  “Shut it, you ain’t eating it.” he said.

  “Yeah and I never will.” Ashton’s laugh was a bolt out of a clear blue sky and all three of us froze.

  “What?” she asked.

  “First time we’ve heard you laugh.” Reaver supplied.

  “Looks good on you Sunshine.” I said and she smiled and it lit her up like her namesake.

  “Why can’t I be you?” Reaver asked.

  “Because there’s only one of me why?” I asked.

  “Because only you go out on a run and come home with a hot chick that you just found on the side of the road.” He complained.

  Dragon laughed and I ate my breakfast. Ashton moved through the kitchen blushing and I smiled.

  Yeah, only me.