Shattered & Scarred

by A. J. Downey

  “Settled then. I’ll see if Squick can keep you working.” She smiled and for a second I wondered if I needed to be jealous. She slid off my lap and I felt the loss of her softness and warmth keenly, like I was letting go of a part of me. Reaver was looking at me with an amused expression and I scowled at him.

  “We hittin’ the gym today?” he asked. I was about to protest, say we’d gone yesterday when Ashton’ excited voice floated over from the kitchen.

  “Can we!?” Well shit that settled that.

  “Yeah you want to hold off on breakfast until after?” I asked.

  “Sure we can do that. I’ll go change!” She sashayed that sweet heart shaped ass of hers down the hall to her bedroom and as soon as the door shut Reaver turned on me.

  “You totally tapped that last night didn’t you?” He demanded, voice a harsh whisper, look stormy. I wondered if he had a hand anywhere near one of his knives.

  “No.” I said and crossed my arms. We stared each other down over the dining room table. I could feel myself slipping into that silent zone again, the place I went when shit was serious and I could see Reaver was going there too. To be honest I was pretty touched that he was so fiercely protective of my girl.

  Wait hold up.

  I raked a hand through my hair and swore harshly under my breath.

  “That’s what I thought man, you did go there.” He crossed his arms and looked murderous.

  “No I didn’t bro, my cock never left my shorts I swear it.” He frowned then looked disgusted.

  “TMI but you got your point across so what the fuck did happen?” his cool blue eyes burned with curiosity but it’d have to wait, Ashton was back and smiling. She was in an exceptional mood this morning and my chest swelled with pride that I’d put her in it.

  I got up. “Be out in a sec.” I said and went to change myself. When I came out Ashton was looking at Reaver suspiciously, eyes narrowed.

  “Charlie.” She said.

  “Nope.” He shook his head his devil may care grin firmly in place.

  “Earl.” She said and he laughed.

  “No, that’s almost worse.” He said.

  “You’ll tell me if I get it right?” she asked.

  “I swear on my grand mammy’s grave.” He said.

  “Your grandmother is alive and well two towns over you jackass.” I said, laughing. Ashton frowned.

  “I got two grandmothers ass hole.” He smiled as he said it.

  Ashton got up and clipped her iPod to her waistband, hanging her headphones around her neck.

  “No yogurt today?” Reaver asked as we piled out of the apartment.

  “No, it’s running today.” She said.

  “Don’t you want to do that outside?” I asked. She looked at me surprise across her lovely features and blinked.

  “I can do that now can’t I?” she said softly.

  I sighed inwardly. Two steps forward one step back it felt like sometimes but whatever, we still gained ground with that one step.

  “Yeah Babe. You can.” Reaver said. Ashton let out a joyous whoop and crashed down the stairs.

  “I guess we’re running today.” He said with a shrug. I grinned. Guess so. I let her get a head start but not too much of one. Her legs were shorter and it wouldn’t be too hard to catch up.

  “I don’t think she’s in a good place for you to be fucking her just yet.” Reaver said bluntly about a quarter mile later.

  “Not fucking her.” I said, “Not going to fuck her.” She was just ahead of us, her headphones in, making long strides. What she lacked in stride compared to us she was making up for in stamina.

  “What did you do then?” he asked.

  “Touched her.” I said. He looked at me dubiously.

  “You put your hands all over that body…” he paused for breath, “and didn’t fuck her?” he asked.

  “Told you, not going to fuck her.” I growled irritated.

  “Then what the hell you gonna do?” he asked.

  I debated for a second and finally settled on the truth.

  “If or when I do anything… I’m going to love her.” I said and pushed up my stride until we were both too out of breath to talk anymore. Reaver was looking at me with something akin to respect and nodded, I nodded back; glad we were finally on the same damned page.

  Ashton ran our asses ragged, but once we got back to the apartment after we were all showered and in fresh clothes she fed us like fucking kings. Reaver and I dropped onto the couch and he flipped on the TV, taking up a controller. I expected Ashton to sit with us but she declined in favor of doing laundry. Even threw Reaver’s sweaty gym clothes into the mix. As her footfalls disappeared down the stairs he made a sidelong glance at me.

  “We both fucking know there’s no ‘if’ in this equation man. It’s only a matter of when.” He said. I grunted in agreement as we shot each other to shit on the big screen.

  Yeah. I knew it, I just had to make damn sure that when ‘when’ came, it was right for her. I wasn’t going to lie though, she was fucking flourishing like a flower left too long in the shade that had finally been given some sun. It was a hell of a sight to see too.

  I looked down the pixelated scope on my half of the screen and lined up a head shot, pulled the trigger. Reaver’s side of the screen went red in a wash of pixelated blood and I gave him a tight lipped grin.

  “Fuck man, not fair you’re as good as that in the virtual world as you are in the real one.” He grunted and my grin lost some of its measure. It was a mark of how far I’d come that I could even play this fucking game without puking my guts out from an unwanted flashback. Just when I started to feel that sucking pull into the black hole of despair I harbored inside, Ashton came through the door and lit me up with her golden eyes and smile. She sat on the floor between my knees and ducked, coming up inside the circle of my arms where I held the controller. She nestled there and put her hands over mine.

  “Teach me.” She whispered and I kissed her temple.

  “Okay, take the controller…” She was a shit shot and had me and Reaver in stitches inside ten minutes. We played for the better part of an hour before she and I had to go to work.

  “You guys coming to the club house tonight?” Reaver asked.

  “Church isn’t it?” I asked.

  “Yep.”

  “Then I’ll be there. You want to go?” Ashton nodded happily.

  “Cool. See you there.” We parted ways.

  “Ethan?” she asked softly, getting into the truck.

  “Yeah Sunshine?” I asked.

  “Thank you.” She smiled and I smiled back last night coming up fresh in my mind.

  “Any time.” I grunted, and she blushed. I laughed and got us to work on time.

  Chapter 14

  Ashton…

  Andy leaned over my shoulder and clicked the mouse through the webpage he wanted to show me and an image of a girl in a dress rendered… It was black with white lace edging the hem, neckline and sleeves. Printed in bright cheery reds and greens across the material were bunches of cherries in twos and threes. I tilted my head to the side and considered it, smiling. The cut of the dress looked like it had come out of the forties or early fifties and was similar to the Havana dress style I liked.

  “They have it in white and pink too.” He said, flicking the mouse pointer over blocks of color below the image. I blinked and pointed at the white one.

  “I like that one better, the black would make me look like a ghost.” I whispered.

  He grinned.

  “Yeah, that dress, frilly ankle socks and some white converse would look hot. These guys wouldn’t know what hit ‘em and that style is right up this place’s alley.” His eyes sparkled with mischief.

  “What made you think of this?” I asked.

  “Tired of you looking all self-conscious and worried that you don’t fit in here. Thought maybe a bit of a wardrobe changeup might do it. After I saw you in that dress the other day I thought this might do the
trick, seemed right up your alley. Crossover is a beautiful thing.”

  “What the hell you two whispering about over there?” Zander demanded. Andy looked panicked for a second and closed out the window we’d been looking at.

  “Just showing Ashton some features on the calendar.” He lied and kept my eyes on the screen so Zander wouldn’t see it on my face.

  “Oh. Okay.”

  “Monday?” I breathed and Andy held up his fist. I smiled conspiratorially and bumped it with my own like I’d seen the guys do a million times before and we giggled.

  “Calendar features my ass, what are you two up to?” Ethan asked, popping up over his work station eyes narrowed, but he was smiling.

  “I’ve been sworn to secrecy.” I murmured boldly. Andy looked proud, Ethan frowned but I could tell it wasn’t real. He ducked back down and continued whatever prep work he was doing.

  The shop was slow, really slow and we ended up closing early. I stretched luxuriously in my midriff peeking out from under my tee shirt over the low waist band of my short white shorts. Zander had found a small ladies cut tee in black with the shop’s logo on it in a box somewhere and I had slipped it on over my camisole, discarding the cardigan I’d been wearing over it in the bottom of my file drawer. I fished it out and shrugged into it.

  “Payday girly.” Zander said from behind me. I turned around and Ethan, Squick, Zander and Moe the other artist in the shop were standing behind me. Ethan held a check in his hand, Andy held a cupcake. I laughed.

  “First paycheck ought to be celebrated.” He said with a shrug and held out the confection. Vanilla, my favorite. I licked the icing and was met by three groans. I looked up at Ethan startled and swallowed, the naked heat in his eyes met by an answering one at the apex of my thighs. I blushed. Zander rattled something off in Spanish and I blinked. He was met by noises of agreement.

  “I have no idea what you just said.” I looked at all of them in turn, the frosting covered treat forgotten in my hand.

  “Some very not nice things about your husband.” Andy supplied.

  “Oh, well in that case, share.” I said boldly and the laughter broke the layer of tension that had settled over the gathering like ice.

  I took the slip of paper from Ethan and stared down at it for what felt like long minutes. It was too much. I set the cupcake on my desk and looked up, confused.

  “This is too much…” I whispered.

  “Yeah some of that is royalty.” Zander cleared his throat.

  “What?” I asked.

  “Modeling fee.” He said, holding up his arm where my face smiled out from his skin.

  “I don’t want…” I started but he held up a hand. I stopped.

  “Say thank you Sunshine.” Ethan smiled kindly at me.

  “Thank you.” I said automatically.

  The little crowd around me dispersed until it was just me and Ethan. I smiled up at him.

  “Ready to go?” he asked, “We’ll get that cashed tomorrow.” I put the check in my back pocket and got up, retrieving my cupcake. I licked off some frosting and smiled with no little satisfaction at his sharp intake of breath.

  “God damn woman.” He uttered ushering me out the door.

  “If it helps, I want you too.” I whispered. He laughed incredulously.

  “No. That doesn’t help at all Baby.” He said and drove us home. He ordered me to dress for the road but I think that was more because he wanted me to cover up. I pulled on some form fitting jeans and a low cut, long sleeved, fitted emerald green top. I swept my hair into a high pony tail and set my check on top of my press board chest of drawers, weighting it with my body mist after I had spritzed a generous amount across my chest and throat.

  The air was lightly perfumed with orange blossoms and I smiled, remembering my mom. I met Ethan in the living room he looked down at me and bent, inhaling sharply. His silver eyes slipped shut and he smiled.

  “Got you something.” He murmured, looking at the floor.

  “What?” I asked, curious.

  “If you’re going to be on the bike with me you need better protection than denim and sweatshirts.” He lifted a shopping bag over the back of the love seat and held it out to me.

  “When did you find the time to…” I started to ask.

  “Had it moved in here before you even got here Babe.” He smiled and I opened the bag. A lot of black and the smell of new leather wafted up to meet me.

  “I didn’t know how to…” he started then stopped abruptly before rushing out, “I don’t want you thinking I’m trying to dress you like he did I just want you safe if you’re going to be on the bike. Got you some pants, a jacket and some boots.” He cleared his throat and looked incredibly uncomfortable. I looked down into the bag, dropped it on the floor and wrapped my arms around him, sniffing back tears.

  My voice trembled when I said, “What you did, buying me these things, you do it because you care about what happens to me. Not because you want to control me. I know the difference.” I squeezed him and he held me tight.

  “Go change, I’m dying to see you in what’s in that bag.” He said gruffly but with no little emotion of his own.

  I went into my room and pulled out a pair of leather pants and sturdy women’s sized boots. I wondered how he’d gotten the sizes correct. I put the pants on and they fit like a second skin. I sat on the floor and pulled on the boots, dragging the cuff down over the top of them. They were the kind with the silver buckle on the outside of the ankle and were surprisingly comfortable. I kept my green top on, retrieving my black belt with the silver buckle from my closet and threading it through the loops. More for aesthetics than an actual need to hold the pants up. I tucked in the shirt and shrugged on the jacket with its silver snaps and zippers, pulling my hair free of the collar.

  I stepped out and down the hallway and he looked me over nodding.

  “Between this and watching you lick the frosting off that god damned cupcake I don’t know how much more my self-control can take.” His statement sent electricity pulsing through my core in a pleasurable little throb.

  He held out a helmet and I took it with numb fingers and followed him out of the apartment. He locked the door behind us and took my hand as we clattered down the stairs. He put me on the bike and got on in front of me after making sure my helmet was on securely. I put my hands in his pockets and snuggled close to his back as the engine roared to life.

  “You good?” He called over the angry chugging.

  “Yeah!” I called back.

  “Enjoy the ride!” he called and pulled out into the lot. I smiled and held on as he pulled out into traffic.

  The ride was too damned short.

  All too soon the wind stopped and the world became still and I was back on solid ground missing the feeling of being fetched up tight against Ethan’s strong muscular back. I followed him into the clubhouse which was relatively quiet. He had church before the other, non-council, members arrived and the weekly partying started.

  I waved at Chandra inside the door, she was sitting at a table with a bunch of other women and Ethan nudged me in their direction.

  “Look at you!” she crowed, then asked, “Have fun?” I nodded enthusiastically and sat down.

  “I’m Candy.” A girl next to me said, eyeing me speculatively. She looked to be barely twenty and had long straight dark hair and a gap in her front teeth. She was a little on the skinny side with long, long legs that ended in clear plastic platform heels. She wore dark denim daisy dukes and one of those wife beater tank tops shorn off which barely hid the swell of her breasts, some of the roundness peeking out below the sheared off edge of the fabric. She had on a neon pink bikini top under it which was really just triangles of material enough to hide her nipples with a string around her neck and peeking out below the tank top in a bow in the back.

  “Ashton.” I murmured.

  “You Trigger’s?” she asked and I must have thought about it too long because Chandra started introducing
the other two women at the table.

  “Ashton this here is Moira and Shelly.” She said, indicating the other two.

  Moira was a red head but it was out of a bottle, the shade of red clashing with her tanned skin. Natural red heads didn’t really tan, they burned and then were infested by freckles. Being I shared a ginger’s skin tone, I knew this unfortunate truth all too well. Moira wore a denim vest and bra with no shirt, the scarlet straps of the sexy lingerie peeking out from under the light denim vest. It was paired with a short denim skirt that didn’t do much to make her legs look longer. She smiled at me and I wish I could tell you what her eye color was but they were hidden by purple contact lenses.

  Shelly was a natural blonde, her hair short and sassy. She wore bright red lipstick that looked right on her and she had on a black leather vest that laced in the front like a bodice. Her push up bra worked some serious magic and displayed her cleavage perfectly. She wore a short, black leather mini skirt and black combat boots. Her eyes were a clear light blue that reminded me entirely too much of Reaver’s.

  “Are you related to Reaver?” I asked Shelly quietly.

  “Yeah he’s my cousin. How’d you know?” she asked.

  “You have the same eyes.” I smiled and she smiled back.

  “What’s his name?” I asked and she laughed.

  “Nuh uh, he’d flay me alive.” She said flatly. I smiled.

  “I’ll guess it eventually.” I said with a shrug.

  Chandra was in a tight army fatigue Harley Davidson tee and denim skirt. Instead of the green of regular fatigue colors her shirt was in grays and pinks with the Harley logo done in pink glitter on the front. She wore pink high heels and her lipstick matched the shoes and eye shadow the shirt. She’d cut her hair short and it curled, gently rolling back from her face. It looked good and I told her so. She smiled and lit her cigarette.

  “Thanks sweetie.” She said, sucking in a drag.

  “You don’t wear makeup?” Shelly asked.