Mr. Carlyle nodded his head. “Thank you, son. Give our regards to your parents. Tell your father I will let him know about our decision to visit in a month or so.” With that he signaled the driver, and the carriage took off into the night.
Ben shivered despite his heavy coat. Such a strange way to begin a new year, but if it had softened Mr. Carlyle’s attitude, every minute had been worth the time. He turned and trudged up the steps, his body weary and cold. Funny, with Amelia beside him, he’d been quite warm, but now alone, he felt the icy air bite into the bare skin of his face as he fumbled with the key in the lock.
One thing for sure, if the Carlyles did come for a visit, he’d have to get busy with those plans for the house so he’d have it ready to show Amelia in the spring.
Chapter 21
On Tuesday, Mama and Papa planned to go back to the hospital before noon to help Charles take Amanda home. Monday had passed in a blur after the frantic efforts with Amanda and the long hours at the hospital Sunday night. After wrestling with the bed-sheets and quilts to get warm and settle down, Amelia had finally slept as streaks of gray lightened the sky and brought in the first day of the year.
Amelia had then slept most of the day, exhausted from the emotions and turmoil of her sister’s ordeal as well as the sleepless night. Even now, a full day later, she eyed the bed with a notion to crawl back beneath the covers.
The only bright spots had been Amanda’s prognosis for full recovery and Ben’s presence at the hospital. Her cheeks grew warm when she remembered their conversation and her appearance. What must he think of her in her plain skirt and shirtwaist? And her talk about babies and pregnancies was no topic for an unmarried woman to be speaking of to a man.
Still, her insides warmed because he had cared enough to rush to the hospital to be there with her and to stay until the end. Papa had not said anything else about the carriage ride home or the fact that she and Ben had been close all during the hours at the hospital. Her hopes that he would be less critical of her relationship with Ben dimmed the longer Papa kept silent. However, that also might be a good thing. If Papa’s objections were still strong, he would have let that be known either at dinner last evening or today at breakfast.
Amelia sat at her dressing table now brushing her hair and wishing she could say good-bye to Ben today. The train for St. Louis would leave at two this afternoon, and Ben would be on it with his mother and his brothers and sister. She’d miss him dreadfully.
Someone knocked on her bedroom door. Mama’s voice followed. “Amelia, may I come in?”
Amelia dropped her brush on the table and hurried to open the door. “Of course, Mama, you’re always welcome.”
Mama hugged her and kissed her cheek. “You’ve been such a blessing these past few days. But there are some things I need to discuss with you.” She grasped Amelia’s hand. “Come, let’s sit over here by the window.”
Amelia knit her brow. Had Amanda relapsed? Curiosity burned a hole in her soul. Mama looked so serious. She sat down and nodded toward the other chair for Amelia to sit. The sun sent its golden rays through the window but did little for the chill surrounding Amelia’s heart.
“What is it, Mama? Did something happen to Amanda?” She sat on the edge of her chair, her hands clasped together to still their shaking.
Mama reached over and covered Amelia’s hands with hers. “No, dear, Amanda is fine and still going home today. What I have to discuss concerns what happened to her.”
Amelia’s body stiffened. Not quite ready to hear about such things, she caught her breath and said nothing. Couldn’t this wait until some other time?
“I know this is a delicate topic, but in light of the fact that you are now of marrying age, you need to be told. Haven’t you ever wondered why you have only Amanda for a sister and not several others?”
Her statement brought a smile to Amelia’s face. “Yes, I have. I would have enjoyed a larger family.”
Mama bit her lip, and her eyes grew moist. “I would have too. Before Amanda, I lost two babies, just like she did. And you and Amanda were too young to remember, but a baby boy also died at birth when you were two.”
Amelia’s heart lurched. Three babies had died, and Mama never said anything about it. How that must have hurt her all these years when her close friends had more children. Her heart ached for her mother and the pain she must have suffered. “I’m so sorry, Mama. I had no idea. Why didn’t you ever tell us?”
A cloud formed over her mother’s eyes. “I didn’t want to talk about it, but of course I did explain it to Amanda before she married Charles, and after what has happened with her, I knew I must tell you too.
“You see, the Harrelson women have always had difficulty in childbirth. Something in our bodies doesn’t want us to have babies, and something goes wrong either in the early stages like Amanda, or at birth like your brother.”
A lump formed in Amelia’s throat, and no amount of swallowing made it disappear. How hard that must have been for Mama, who was an only child, and now Amelia understood why. “Will Amanda be able to have another baby?”
“The doctor said they could try again, but it would be risky. She’d have to be under the doctor’s care as soon as she suspects a baby is on the way.”
Amelia leaned back against the chair. What did this mean for her? Would she have the same trouble as Mama and Amanda? The visions she’d had of children filling her home melted away like the icicles now dripping outside her window. She turned her face toward the warm sun and let the tears now forming spill over and slide down her cheeks.
Mama’s hand squeezed hers. “I know this is difficult for you to hear, but since you’re so attracted to Benjamin, I had to let you know what to expect. I imagine you will have children, but just not as many as you might have hoped for.”
Amelia and Amanda had learned about the relationship between a husband and wife when they had their sixteenth birthdays, but this information had been withheld. When had Mama planned to tell her? After she became engaged to a young man who expected a large family? Ben. She had to tell him. He had four brothers and sisters. Wouldn’t he expect to have a large family himself?
Mama patted her hand then stood. “It’s a lot to take in, so I’ll leave you alone.” She headed for the door, but paused before she closed it behind her. “Change into something nice, dear. We have a surprise for you after we eat. Lettie said dinner will be ready in half an hour.” With that she was gone.
A surprise? Half an hour to get dressed? She grabbed a handkerchief from her dressing table and dabbed it at the dampness on her cheeks. Surely it couldn’t be Philip Barlow coming to call on her. She had half a mind not to change into a nicer dress or put up her hair. If he saw her like this, he might lose interest.
With a sigh, she pushed up from the chair and headed for the wardrobe to select something to wear. After she donned a two-piece green wool garment with a smaller bustle, she decided not to pile all her hair on top of her head. Instead, she brushed it back, leaving just a fringe across the forehead, and secured it with a tortoise shell clasp at the back of her neck. Mama may not approve, but there was no time for anything more elaborate.
All through the meal, curiosity ate at her like a mouse nibbling cheese, but neither Mama nor Papa would answer her questions. Lettie brought in the dessert, and when she set the bowl of custard on the table, she grinned and winked at Amelia. Now what in the world did that mean?
Voices sounded in the hall. Amelia’s heart jumped, and she almost choked on a bite of custard. That was Mary Beth’s voice. What was she doing here? She pushed back from the table and noticed the smile on Mama’s face. What was going on?
She rushed to greet Mary Beth but stopped short when Ben’s smiling face greeted her. “What…how…oh, my!”
Mary Beth hugged her. “This is your surprise. I’m taking you with us to say good-bye to the family.”
Amelia whirled around to face her parents. Mama smiled and nodded. “Yes, it’s your surpris
e. Now get your cloak; you don’t want to make them late.”
Maeleen handed her the cloak, but Ben grasped it and placed across Amelia’s shoulders. He leaned close and said, “If you could have seen the look on your face just now; it was wonderful.”
The scent of spice on his skin tickled her to her toes. One more hour with Ben was more than she could have dreamed for today. She kissed her mother’s cheek. “Thank you.”
A few minutes later they were seated in the carriage on the way to the train station. Ben grasped Amelia’s hand in his. “When Ma sent the request to your mother, we didn’t know what to expect as an answer. When I told her about what happened at the hospital and on the ride home, she decided it was worth a try. I’m so glad your father agreed.”
“I haven’t been that shocked since my tenth birthday when they gave me a surprise party and I got to ride a pony.”
As much as she wanted to be with Ben and his family today, the revelation her mother had made this morning niggled in the back of her mind. She needed to tell Ben what really happened with Amanda and what it meant for their relationship. Ben deserved to know because he wanted a large family, just as she had before learning about the problem faced by the women of her mother’s family. Should she tell him now, or wait and do it in a letter? Either way, the idea of such a conversation sent a shiver of dread up her spine.
Isaac waited as Lenora pulled on her gloves in preparation for their trip to the hospital. If things had gone well today, they would be helping Charles get Amanda home and into bed. Not that Charles needed the help, but Amanda understandably wanted her mother by her side.
Another problem was of more concern to Isaac than Amanda. He couldn’t help but see the feelings that flowed between Amelia and Benjamin. If only the young man lived in Boston and not out in the wild lands of Kansas. Of course he’d heard those lands were fairly tame now, but it was still too far away from home.
He assisted Lenora with her coat. “Do you think we may have made a mistake granting Elizabeth’s request to let Amelia go to the train station with them today?”
Her sweet smile spoke of her approval of what he’d done. She raised a gloved hand to his cheek. “I think it was the nicest thing you could have done for her today. He obviously cares a great deal about her, as she does him. It will be awhile before they see each other again, so there’s no harm in giving them a little time today.”
“I hope you’re right. Benjamin’s a fine young man, and I’ve always admired his father, but they don’t live here, and they can’t give Amelia the life she deserves and would have here in Boston.”
“That’s true, but for some reason, this life we want for her has little appeal for our spirited daughter.”
He grasped her arm, and they headed downstairs and outside where Toby waited with the carriage. Lenora’s words rang true, but he had hoped the social events of the past months would distract and amuse her. Instead she seemed even more determined to go her own way.
Once they were seated and rolling toward the hospital, Isaac cleared his throat. “I suppose a trip to Kansas will be in order. Perhaps if we visit and Amelia sees the kind of life Elizabeth and Clara have on the ranch, she won’t be so hasty in wanting to leave home and live there.”
“Perhaps so, dear, but she also might like it enough to want to marry Ben and move there. Apparently Amelia has no interest in the young men she’s met these past months. We really can’t force her into marrying someone she doesn’t love or want to be with.”
Isaac recognized the truth of her words. He’d never force Amelia into anything like that, but he’d had hopes that Philip Barlow would meet with her approval. After the happiness of his marriage to Lenora, he wouldn’t think of asking his daughter to marry without love. However, he’d almost rather she remain single than marry and move out to Kansas.
He grasped Lenora’s hand in his. “She deserves to have love like ours, and perhaps she will still find it at home. We’ll see if what she feels now can survive the many months of separation between today and April.”
Lenora glanced up at him then lowered her eyes. “I told Amelia about the women in my family and the problems with having children.”
Isaac’s eyes opened wide. “How did she react?”
“I am sure she thought of Benjamin and their future. I wish I had told her sooner because she’s always talked about having a houseful of children after she married.”
“Yes, I noticed how well she did with Grace Ann and little Billy.” He wrapped an arm around her and pulled her close. “All we can do is pray for both her and Amanda. The Lord will take care of how many children they may have.” He’d have to do more praying about both his daughters. One needed solace and peace after the experience she’d just had, and the other needed guidance in finding what the future held in store for her.
The carriage rolled to a stop in front of the hospital, and Toby hopped down to assist Lenora from the carriage. Amanda was one daughter they could help right now. Amelia would come later, and he prayed for God’s wisdom in guiding her the next few months.
Chapter 22
When they arrived at the station, Amelia and Ben joined his family in the waiting area. Mrs. Haynes hugged Amelia. “I’m so sorry about Amanda, but I’m happy she’s all right and will be going home today.”
“Thank you, Mrs. Haynes. It was quite an ordeal for all of us.”
Ben grasped her hand. “I’m just glad I could be there with you.” He nodded to a bench across the way. “We have half an hour before we have to board; let’s sit over there and talk.”
Amelia nodded to his parents and followed Ben to the corner and the bench there. So many things she needed and wanted to say rushed through her thoughts, but where should she begin? They sat facing each other, and love filled every ounce of her being for this wonderfully sensitive, caring, and strong man before her.
He cleared his throat before speaking. “First of all, I’m so very thankful your parents consented for you to come with us today. We took a chance, and it worked.”
“Only this morning I prayed that there was some way we could say good-bye, and now God answered that prayer. I have so much to tell you.” How much she should reveal still wasn’t clear, but she must tell him something of what she had learned this morning from her mother.
Before she could speak, he did. “Did you look at the plans I gave you Sunday? What did you think?”
“Oh, yes, I did. I love the house arrangement! I like having a dining area separate from the kitchen as well as a kitchen large enough for a table and chairs.”
“Good. I want to start on the construction right away, so you’ll have something to see when you come in April.”
“But that’s not certain as yet. Papa hasn’t said a word more about it since Sunday night.” She’d wanted to ask him this morning but had decided not to press her luck.
“I think you’ll be there. In fact, I’m almost certain of it. I want to take you out there to the land I picked and have at least the framing if not the walls ready for you to inspect. That way you can have a better idea of what you want to put into it.”
“I pray you are right, because it sounds so wonderful. I can’t wait to see it.” She bit her lip. Better tell him now before he became too wrapped up in his plans for her and the future. His feelings might change when she told him the truth, but if they did, their love didn’t have a chance to begin with.
She glanced up at the big clock. Only twenty minutes left. Time went too fast when she wanted it to slow down and much too slow when she was in a hurry for something to happen. She chewed the corner of her lip, trying to find the words to tell him her plight.
Ben grasped her hands. “What is it? You have a troubled look in your eyes. Are you worried about Amanda?”
“No…not Amanda exactly.” Amelia took a deep breath and blew it out. Might as well plunge ahead. “What happened to Amanda will most likely happen to me when I want to have children.”
Ben’s head moved
back, and his brow furrowed. “What do you mean?”
“The women in my mother’s family always have problems in childbirth. That’s why Mama and Papa have only the two of us. A baby brother died at birth, and Mama had two incidents just like Amanda’s.” Heat burned in her cheeks at the mention of such things with a man, but he must know. “That’s why Mama didn’t have any more babies and why she’s an only child.”
His hand reached up to caress her cheek. “That’s a terrible thing to bear, but how does it concern you and me?”
“Don’t you see? The same could be true with me. I want a houseful of children, but I may not be able to have more than one, if that many. I know how much you want a big family like your own, but that may not be possible with me as your wife.”
“Shh, don’t talk like that. Anything is possible with God. If we have ten children or only one or even none, then we will have each other. All I want is you by my side as my wife for the rest of my life.”
He said the words now, but how would he feel five, ten years into the future? As much as she loved him, she couldn’t marry him without his knowing the truth and knowing for sure he would be happy with the possibility of no children.
“Ben, don’t be hasty. Think about it over the next few months. Really think about it and what our lives would be like without children. If you feel the same when I come to Kansas, we can discuss more of our future then.” Her feelings would never change, but she had to give him the opportunity to change his and find a woman who could give him what she couldn’t.
A voice announced the time for St. Louis passengers to start boarding. Their time was over for today, but would it be over for good the next time she saw him?
Ben groaned at the call for boarding the train. How could he ever convince Amelia he loved her no matter what might happen in their future? He wanted to grab her and kiss her with all the emotions sweeping over him, but he refrained. It would show his love, but it would also be an embarrassment if someone else should happen to see and have the wrong impression. Amelia’s reputation came first.
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