‘You’re looking gorgeous,’ Nick tells me, taking hold of my hand. ‘I’d really like it if we could just—’
‘You’ll like this,’ I say, gazing up at him with pleading eyes. ‘I promise. It’s going to be great.’
I need him to see that we can do new things. I need to know that there’s more to us than the same old Hannah and Nick who always do the same old things. I need to know that I can do sexy.
He pauses for a moment and I hold my breath.
‘Is this research for your book?’ he asks eventually.
I nod eagerly. ‘Totally. I’m just trying to figure out how Daxx and Bella Rose can take it to the next level.’
And us, Nick! I’m trying to figure out how we can take it to the next level because despite my sensual candle and my up-the-bum thong and my daily self-affirming conversations with myself in the mirror, we are still doing what we’ve always done. And I’m terrified that we’re going to wake up one morning and suddenly realise that we are old. And if Googling ‘sexual positions that may surprise your husband’ doesn’t add some spice to our life then I’m all out of ideas.
Nick stares at me and for a second his eyes are filled with something that looks a bit like disappointment.
‘It’s called The Butter Churner,’ I tell him brightly, trying to lighten the mood. ‘That doesn’t sound too tricky, does it?’
He raises his eyebrows and gives my hand a squeeze. ‘Just try not to kill me, okay?’
I can’t promise anything. According to the website that I found this particular position on, it is ranked twenty-eighth on a list entitled ‘Positions He’s Secretly Dying For You To Try In Bed’.
I grin back at him. ‘There are worse ways to go. At least you’d die a happy man.’
Chapter Thirteen
Cassie is already seated when I arrive, perched up at the bar and deep in conversation with the outrageously attractive bartender. I fling myself onto the stool next to her and try to get my breathing under control.
‘Tell me again why I thought having kids was a good idea?’ I ask.
Cassie frowns back at me. ‘I have no idea,’ she tells me. ‘They seem to take you for everything you have and give very little back in return. In terms of investment, they’re pretty rubbish to be honest.’
This is both fair and accurate.
‘Scarlet spent most of today at my mother’s house,’ I complain. ‘She tried telling me it was because of the stink at our house and when I pointed out that the septic tank has been dealt with and we are now the proud owners of stench-free mains drainage she had the audacity to tell me that the smell she was referring to was the stench of my hypocrisy and she’d still be spending the day with Granny.’
‘What were you being hypocritical about?’ Cassie asks.
I shrug. ‘I have no idea. I rather suspect that she was talking out of her arse and just looking for an excuse to escape my company.’
‘I’d let her go,’ Cassie states. ‘Sounds like it’d be a much easier day if she wasn’t at home.’
‘Well, yes – but that’s not really the point.’
I am her mother. She’s supposed to want to spend time with me. It’s not about easy.
‘Anyway.’ Cassie sits back on her stool and gives me a long look. ‘We’re not here to talk about your kids. You said that you were having a crisis, so spit it out, Hannah. What’s going on? Is Nick having an affair? Are you?’
‘No!’ I stare at her, my mouth gaping open. ‘Why would you say that?’
I did have a rather interesting dream last night, though. Not that dreaming about someone you aren’t married to counts as having an affair, although I’m not entirely sure how I’d feel if Nick was having dreams about sexy baristas. Especially when our romantic evening didn’t end entirely the way that I had planned. It was a shame about The Butter Churner actually. I think we could have had a shot at it if I hadn’t misinterpreted the diagram and reversed our positions. It turns out that it would be a physical impossibility to do what I was proposing. Not without risking hospitalisation and six weeks in a neck brace, anyway.
So that was a bit of a flop.
‘So if your crisis isn’t to do with your relationship then what is it?’ pushes Cassie, gesturing to the gorgeous man behind the bar to bring more wine. ‘Have you finally got to the bottom of Scarlet’s crime ring? Has Dylan got a crack habit? Did Benji finally snap and take out that little shit, Auberon?’
‘What has got into you tonight?’ I ask her, watching as she takes the bottle from the slightly alarmed-looking bartender and fills her glass to the brim. ‘You’re in a proper hot mood.’
Cassie grimaces. ‘Sorry. I’ve had a bad day and I don’t mean to take it out on you.’
I reach across and put my hand on her arm. ‘What is it? Is it something to do with that guy you’ve been seeing?’
She closes her eyes briefly and when she opens them they are sparkling with a ferocity that makes me gulp.
‘Been seeing is right. Turns out that while we were making plans for a long weekend break in Brighton, his wife was making plans to give birth to their fourth child.’
I wince. ‘Oh Cassie. And you didn’t know?’
She glares at me. ‘Of course I didn’t arsing know. I wouldn’t have even spoken to him if I’d known. Twat.’
‘Twat,’ I agree, clinking my wine glass against hers. ‘Do you want to talk about it?’
She shakes her head. ‘I do not. Talking about it makes me angry and when I’m angry I make rash decisions, you know?’
I do know. This is not the first time that Cassie has had a bad experience with a partner and I have been there on several occasions to prevent her from doing something that they may well have come to regret.
‘You’d think that I’d have found someone decent by now,’ she complains, pulling apart a beer mat. ‘Is it so much to ask for? I just want to meet a nice, kind, funny, intelligent, honest man with a good work ethic who doesn’t have shit taste in clothes, food or music and who doesn’t have an entire family sitting at home waiting for them to return. Am I being too picky, Hannah? Am I?’
I sip some more wine and wonder how to let her down gently.
‘You’re definitely not being too picky on the whole already-having-a-family thing,’ I say, nodding encouragingly. ‘But I do wonder if your absolute hatred of anyone who doesn’t agree that Jon Bon Jovi is the best singer of all time is limiting your options just a tiny bit. Also, your refusal to acknowledge anything vegan as actual food is slightly offensive to people who choose not to eat meat or dairy products.’
Cassie scowls at me. ‘I’d rather be single for life than compromise on either of those issues.’
I nod, keeping my thoughts that this may well be the case to myself.
‘What I need now is a distraction.’ Cassie pushes the decimated beer mat to one side and turns to face me. ‘Tell me all about your crisis, Hannah. And it’d better be good.’
‘Well, it might not exactly be a crisis,’ I admit. But you know my book?’ I lower my voice, just in case someone might overhear. Now that More Than Sex is out in the world I can never be sure who could be listening.
Cassie nods.
‘And you know how it’s written by Twinky Malone and nobody knows that she is me?’
Cassie sips her wine and nods again.
‘I have to become her.’ I blurt the words out in a rush. ‘Well, actually – I’m sort of already becoming her. But I’m still not quite at full Twinky and I need your help. I need you to help me look like a Sex Goddess.’
Cassie stares at me. ‘I have no idea what you’re wittering on about, Hannah. Why do you need to look like a Sex Goddess? Is this you worrying about being old and boring again because I already told you, that menopause crap is obsolete.’
‘It’s not that.’ I lower my glass. ‘And I don’t think I’m boring anymore. Not in my head, anyway.’
She stares at me, interest lighting up her eyes, but I move on. I’m not p
repared to talk about my sex bubbles with her. Not right now, anyway.
‘I need to turn myself into a Sex Goddess because everything that you said would happen, is happening,’ I tell her. ‘I have to publicise More Than Sex and as part of that I’m going to be on a talk panel at Sex Con. So, will you help me?’
Cassie sits up straight.
‘You’re going to be talking at Sex Con?’ she asks. ‘Holy fuck, Hannah! That’s massive! And insane!’
I nod. ‘I thought about just saying no, but Binky, my editor, has made it clear that this is something she wants me to do and it’s the only way to make any money out of this whole thing. And it’s not enough for me to take on a new persona. I need to look the part too.’
Cassie casts her eyes down my body, taking in my scruffy hair that has been wrangled into a ponytail, my baggy top and my mum-jeans. And I don’t mean mum-jeans as in the trendy, high-waist fashion item. I mean jeans that I have actually been wearing since I became a mum.
‘You’re right,’ she says thoughtfully, chewing her bottom lip. ‘This is definitely not a look that’s going to sell sex.’
‘Thank you for that.’ I slump further onto my stool, feeling slightly dejected. ‘I wouldn’t have asked you to help if I thought you were just going to mock me.’
‘But we can do something about your outdated style!’ Cassie sits up straight and gives me the first smile of the evening. ‘I need a challenge and god only knows, turning you from mumsy into a Sex Goddess is going to be the challenge of a lifetime. Not impossible, but it’s going to take time, effort and money. And you’ll have to do exactly as I say and be one hundred percent committed to your transformation. Are you committed, Hannah?’
I nod slowly, trying not to be too offended at her harsh appraisal. I need her help and now is not the time to hash over the fact that my best friend thinks I look mumsy.
No. Three o’clock in the morning is the time that I’ll be doing that, thank you so much.
‘This calls for more wine!’ bellows Cassie, sloshing the last of the bottle into my glass. I have no idea where the rest of it went so quickly. ‘Here’s to the reinvention of Hannah Thompson!’
Oh, honey, you are so late to the party. My reinvention started ages ago. I just need you to help me put the cherry on the cake.
We clink our glasses and agree to meet in the High Street at two o’clock tomorrow, which by the time I fall into bed many hours later is the one detail that I can remember from the entire evening.
I am slightly less sure of my newfound determination to revamp my look when I wake up the next morning but there’s no way that I’m backing out. Partly because I’m owed this and it’s the natural next step in my evolution but also because Cassie threatened to start reading extracts from my book aloud in the staffroom if I stood her up. And I don’t want to piss her off because I need some help if I’m going to sexify my image and Cassie is absolutely the woman for the job. This knowledge doesn’t stop my stomach from churning with mild terror at the prospect though. I’ve been friends with Cassie for years and one thing I know for sure is that she’s ruthless. Once she sets her mind on something then nothing can get in her way. She’s a bit like Scarlet in that respect and I wonder briefly what it says about me that I am surrounded by females who scare me rigid.
‘What are you shopping for, anyway?’ asks Nick as I drag my sorry ass out of bed and start searching for clothes that will achieve the dual mission of making me feel safe and comfortable while also generating a look that is trendy and as un-mumsy as possible.
‘Oh, we’re just browsing really,’ I say casually, taking off my pajamas and pulling on my most reassuring underwear. ‘I might buy a new cardigan if I see something that I like.’
Nick smiles. ‘Treat yourself, babe. You deserve it.’
I squint up at him suspiciously. I know his game.
‘What have you bought?’ I ask. ‘Go on. Just tell me.’
He wrinkles his nose and then waves his hand in the air. He’s aiming for dismissive but I’ve been married to this man for long enough to know his traits. The more laid-back he appears, the more he’s spent and I know exactly what he’s spent it on. Or who he’s spent it on, anyway.
‘What did Betty need this time?’ I enquire, yanking on a long sleeve T-shirt. ‘Because quite honestly, I wouldn’t have thought there was any part of her left to replace. If she was a woman, she’d be a cosmetic surgeon’s wet dream.’
Nick looks offended. ‘There’s nothing cosmetic about replacing Land Rover parts, I can assure you of that, Hannah. And as I keep telling you, it’s—’
‘—an investment,’ I finish for him.
This is not the first time we’ve had this fascinating conversation.
‘So how much did you spend?’ I ask, moving on from what he’s actually purchased because honestly, I have zero interest in prop shafts and fuel filters and head gasket seals.
Nick mumbles an exorbitant figure and I spin round to face him, my indignation only slightly diminished by the fact that I’m trying to force one leg into my tights and the rapid movement puts me at extreme risk of falling over onto the bedroom floor.
‘You spent how much?’ I screech. ‘What were you thinking? You are aware that we’ve just been slapped with a fucking astronomical bill for the twatting septic tank fiasco?’
‘I was thinking that if I didn’t replace the part then it was going to end up costing us a lot more, further down the line,’ he tells me. ‘It can be my birthday present, okay?’
And your Christmas present and your anniversary present and next year’s birthday present and don’t even think about expecting an Easter egg, I think, ready to open my mouth and let rip. But then I remember what Cassie said about the reinvention of Hannah Thompson requiring time, effort and money and I clamp my lips together. Perhaps having a go at my husband for spending so much wouldn’t be the most prudent move right now.
‘Look, Hannah – we both work hard,’ Nick says, pulling me in for a hug. ‘I just think we need to remember to live a little. Virtually every penny we earn goes on the kids – or this house. It doesn’t hurt to send some of it our way, every now and again. Otherwise, what’s the bloody point of it all?’
He’s right. I can’t remember the last time Nick had any new clothes and we haven’t been out together for ages. Buying parts for Betty really is his one indulgence.
‘Fine.’ I give him a squeeze and then return to the task of getting both legs into my tights. ‘Maybe I’ll go wild and buy two cardigans.’
I do feel a tiny bit bad for not telling him what Cassie and I are doing but I just don’t know how to put it into words. It’s not every day that a woman attempts to transform herself into a Sex Goddess and it’s making me feel slightly vulnerable, like the more I talk about it the less chance I have of actually achieving my goal.
I’m a bit like an athlete, gearing up for a big event. I think that I need to get in the zone and prepare myself mentally for the challenge that lies ahead and I can’t do that if everyone is invading my mental space.
I’m just relying on Cassie to know what getting in the zone actually entails because I truly do not have a clue.
Chapter Fourteen
‘Sorry I’m late,’ I tell Cassie, pulling an apologetic face when I meet her in the High Street a little while later. ‘I was determined to be on time but Scarlet decided to wait until I had one foot out of the door before telling me that her new objective is to be the most powerful and notorious Head Girl that the school has ever seen, which obviously meant that I had to talk to her for the next twenty minutes about responsibilities and commitment and also disillusion her of the belief that becoming Head Girl entitles her to, quote: “rule the school and do whatever I want”.’
Cassie grins. ‘At least she’s got ambition,’ she tells me. ‘Most parents would applaud that in a teenager, Hannah.’
I sigh quietly and shake my head. It’s not a lack of ambition that worries me about my daughter – it’s
more her fierce and immovable belief that she can achieve anything if she wants it badly enough. Part of me is proud of her confidence but another part of me quivers in fear. In an ideal world her attitude would be fine but we do not live in an ideal world and her inability to perceive her own weakness makes her vulnerable. And it’s incredibly tricky trying to protect a girl who thinks that she is utterly invincible.
‘But it isn’t her ambition that we’re here to address,’ Cassie reminds me. ‘Now, let’s get started. If we’re going to turn you into a sex kitten then you’re going to have to loosen up a bit. I’ve got a battle plan all mapped out.’
‘Can I ask that you refrain from using the phrase sex kitten? There’s nothing sexy about kittens. Also, I’m slightly concerned that you are referring to this shopping trip as a battle.’
‘But it is.’ Cassie raises one eyebrow at me. ‘The challenge that lies ahead is not going to be fun. It is not going to be easy. But if you choose to accept this mission it will revolutionise your life and there’ll be no looking back.’
‘You make it sound so serious,’ I laugh. ‘We’re just shopping for a few new clothes. I thought we could start at M&S. I’ve bought some nice things from there in the past.’
Cassie winces.
‘Oh, Hannah. This is why you need me. No Sex Goddess would never darken the doors of that place, not if it was the last shop on earth.’
I follow Cassie as she marches ahead, striding past all the shops that I would usually frequent. The pavements are slick with rain and I scurry along with my head down, trying to keep up with her.
Just as I’m starting to think that we aren’t going shopping at all, Cassie stops.
‘Here we are. This is the place for you, Hannah.’
I look at the shop in front of us and instinctively take a step backwards.
‘Hell, no.’
Faking It: The most hilarious and laugh out loud page turner you’ll read this year! Page 13
