Faking It: The most hilarious and laugh out loud page turner you’ll read this year!

by Rebecca Smith

  ‘True sexiness comes from within,’ she tells me, frowning slightly. ‘You need to invest in yourself and if you do that then anything can be a journey in sensuality.’

  ‘I think you’re right with the first part,’ I agree. ‘Sexiness should come from within. But are you honestly saying that you feel sexy just because you’ve put on some fancy underwear? Because I’ve tried that and honestly, it wasn’t as sexy as a nice pair of flannel pajamas.’

  A muttering of agreement spreads around the hall.

  Cassie told me a while ago that women need to have all the answers; that knowing everything about everything is our one true power. But I think she’s got it a bit wrong. I think it’s okay not to know what you’re doing sometimes. Maybe if we admitted that we aren’t necessarily in control every goddamned minute of the day then we might feel a bit less governed by the need to be perfect.

  Nobody can be a goddess all the time.

  ‘I thought we were here to talk about real sex,’ I say tentatively. ‘It just isn’t honest to pretend that everyone is constantly in touch with their sexual selves or getting it on, Hollywood-style, at every available opportunity. Some of us are too knackered at the end of a long day to do anything other than put on our pajamas and watch Netflix and drink wine before falling into bed. And what happens after that isn’t usually planned out or orchestrated. It just happens.’ I pause and think about what I’ve just said. ‘Or not.’

  ‘Here, here!’ shouts Valerie from the fifth row and when I glance across I see that she’s finally put her knitting down.

  The room goes quiet and then Marigold clears her throat.

  ‘So – in your expert opinion, what should we be talking about?’

  I ignore her snarky tone and try to explain.

  ‘The truth. The messy, uncomfortable truth because sex is messy and it can be uncomfortable and that’s just the way it is.’

  ‘You’re doing it wrong if it’s uncomfortable,’ Mohawk tells me.

  ‘Am I?’ I ask her. ‘Or do we all just think that everything has to be perfect, one hundred percent of the time?’

  Celia nods firmly. ‘When it comes to sex, we have to demand that it is absolutely as perfect as it can be. We deserve that. That’s what being a Sex Goddess is all about.’

  ‘Hell, yeah!’ Mohawk punches her fist in the air in solidarity with Celia’s proclamation.

  ‘Is it, though?’ I pause, trying to find the words for the thoughts that are whizzing through my head. Maybe I should just shut up but for the first time in forever I feel like I’m finally starting to get it. ‘Or is being a Sex Goddess about trying to have sex as silently as possible so that you don’t traumatise your children?’

  Someone in the audience laughs.

  ‘Or being able to laugh when you try to introduce something new and neither of you can figure out where your legs are supposed to go so you end up kneeing your partner in the face?’

  ‘That doesn’t sound remotely sexy,’ says Mohawk.

  I nod. ‘No, it doesn’t. But it should because there’s nothing sexier than being confident enough to laugh when it all goes wrong. I thought we were here to share our secrets but I think that this might be the biggest secret of all. We’re all faking it and we’re all quietly scared that everyone else has got it all figured out. Maybe if we stopped bullshitting about this stuff then we’d all be a bit more relaxed about the whole thing.’

  ‘And this is what we love about Sex Con!’ declares Marigold, facing the hall and not looking as if she is loving this conversation in the slightest. ‘A bit of healthy debate. And now, moving on to our final question for the panel. If we’re looking to our diets for improved sexiness, which aphrodisiac foods should we be eating?’

  ‘Oysters, for sure,’ states Celia.

  ‘I swear by Maca powder,’ says Ma-lady. ‘It really boosts your libido and it’s perfect in a smoothie.’

  ‘It’s got to be Tofu,’ insists Mohawk and it takes everything I have not to tell her that this is the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard (in the last minute, anyway). It’s like they didn’t hear a single word that I said.

  ‘And what about you?’ asks Marigold, looking at me.

  ‘Pie and chips,’ I tell her. ‘It’s warming, it fills you up and the only thing you have to do is bung it in the oven. That’s the definition of sexy food for me.’

  The hall erupts in laughter.

  I grin and give Valerie a wink.

  I’ll get my coat. My work here is done.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  The weak winter sun is streaming through the window when I wake up on Sunday morning. I stretch out my legs and look up at the ceiling, reveling in the fact that yesterday is finally over and I don’t have to worry about it anymore. In fact, I think the chances of me being asked to anything like that ever again are less than the chance of me winning the lottery, which is only a good thing.

  Marigold couldn’t get me out of there fast enough after yesterday’s talk was over. I had intended to have a little look around the rest of the convention and pick up a few top tips for So Much Sex but on reflection, that wasn’t really necessary. I might not be a Sex Goddess but I know what I want to write and I don’t need any experts to tell me what it should look like.

  ‘How’s the head this morning?’ Nick walks into the bedroom and puts a cup of tea down on my bedside table.

  I sit up and smile gratefully at him. ‘No worse than I deserve,’ I tell him. ‘It turns out that drinking all of the coffee and then all of the wine and forgetting about the food isn’t such a great idea after all. Although I do recall that the evening ended on quite a positive note.’

  He grins at me. ‘We don’t do too badly, do we? For an old, married couple?’

  I cringe. ‘You’re sounding a bit self-satisfied there, Mr Thompson. Please can we not turn into the stereotypical smug, old marrieds?’

  ‘I reckon I’m entitled to a bit of smugness this morning.’ He gives me an over-the-top wink. ‘And you were pretty satisfied last night, if I remember rightly?’

  I shrug. ‘Meh. It was okay, I suppose.’

  I’m lying. It wasn’t okay. It was no-frills, happy-go-lucky, stripped-back marital sex. No props, no tricks, no circus.

  And it was absolutely bloody brilliant.

  ‘You’re clearly still under the influence of yesterday’s drinking and experiencing memory loss,’ Nick tells me, still smirking. ‘You should get a bit more sleep. I can take Benji to his swimming lesson and Scarlet is still in bed. I suggest you leave her there – I know you’re going to want to grill her about last night but maybe leave it for a while, yeah?’

  I frown. ‘We need to talk to her properly though. It was really late when she got back last night and I’m not convinced that she was with Petra. She was far too perky and smiley for my liking. We need to find out what the deal is with this boy – and I need to get her to tell me the truth for once.’

  He looks unconvinced. ‘Of course we do. But can we at least try to have a nice, quiet Sunday lunch together before the Spanish Inquisition begins?’

  I scowl at him and reach for my tea. ‘It’s not an inquisition. Merely a gentle questioning about her life choices.’

  Nick raises an eyebrow. ‘If you say so. Are you still planning on doing some writing this morning?’

  I nod. ‘I’m ready to get it done,’ I tell him. ‘Bella Rose and Daxx are going to explore the true meaning of their relationship, warts and all.’

  Nick pulls a face. ‘Is that genital warts? Because I don’t think anyone could make them sound erotic, Hannah, not even you.’

  He ducks as I throw my alarm clock at him and I can still hear him laughing as he heads out of the room and down the stairs.

  After a long shower that goes some way to refreshing my tired body, I find my laptop and settle down at the kitchen table. I’ve been struggling so much to finish this book after Binky told me that I need to combine my trademark humour with increased sexual content, becaus
e I just couldn’t figure out the way forward. But I get it now. I don’t have to try to be funny. Sex is funny all on its own, as long as you stick to reality. And even though I thought I’d got it nailed, I’ve not really been writing the real truth.

  And that’s all that I have to do.

  I open up my laptop and think about everything that has happened over the last couple of months and all the things that I’ve done in my pursuit of sexiness. Some of them have been quite fun and some of them have been mortifyingly embarrassing and what none of them has done is turn me into a Sex Goddess. But that’s okay and it isn’t necessarily my fault because I’m starting to suspect that she doesn’t actually exist. Not just inside me – but in anyone. I think that there is a distinct possibility that Sex Goddesses are as mythical as Aphrodite herself and that attempting to become one is as realistic as attempting to become the tooth fairy.

  Which reminds me – Benji’s grotty tooth is still loitering under his pillow. If I don’t remember to replace it with the obligatory one-pound coin soon then it’s going to become a serious health hazard. I never did find out how he rescued it after the accidental swallowing but I’m starting to come to the conclusion that there are some things that a mother doesn’t need to know. Although I probably should ditch that sieve, just to be on the safe side.

  I flex my fingers and let my mind transport me to Oklahoma. A state of prairies, forests, plains. A state that invented the shopping trolley. A state where the number one export is (allegedly) sperm. A state where Bella Rose and Daxx are currently trying (and failing) to understand both the emotional and physical boundaries of their relationship.

  And then I write. I write about all of the fabulously awkward things that can and will happen whenever two people attempt to get their groove on.

  Once Bella Rose had stopped panting, she looked suggestively down at Daxx and raised an eyebrow.

  ‘Come with me?’ she asked him.

  Daxx smirked. ‘I just did,’ he told her but his words were wasted. Bella Rose had already flung on a robe and was outside on the magnificent balcony and after a moment he rolled off the bed, threw on some clothes and joined her.

  ‘Look that that sunset,’ he purred. ‘It’s almost as beautiful as you.’

  Bella Rose gazed at the sky. Daxx was right – the Tulsan sunset was spectacular and only slightly marred by the knowledge that the brilliant red hue was mostly caused by pollution as the light interacted with nitrogen and oxygen in the air in a phenomenon knows as Rayleigh scattering.

  ‘It’s so hot out here this evening,’ he said, turning to face her. ‘Why don’t you cool down a little?’

  Bella Rose nodded. ‘I was just about to have a shower,’ she told him.

  Daxx pouted. ‘I was more suggesting that you lose the robe,’ he said, running his hand down her bare arm. ‘Let’s get it on, baby.’

  Bella Rose stepped back and looked at him in disbelief.

  ‘Again?’ she asked. ‘Out here? On the balcony?’

  Daxx smiled his most seductive smile. ‘Let’s live dangerously for once, sweet thing.’

  Bella Rose took a hefty slug of wine and then lowered her glass to give Daxx her sternest look.

  ‘You’re already living dangerously if you honestly think that I’m going to get down and dirty out here with you.’

  She shook her head and stuck out her thumb.

  ‘Number one: It is a well-known fact that having sex in a high up place comes with the obvious risk of falling off that high up place. I do not want sex with you enough to risk dying. Number two:’ She stuck out her index finger. ‘Under the Oklahoma Code Indecent Exposure Laws, Section 21-1021, it is a felony to lewdly expose your genitals in public. It can be punished with incarceration between thirty days and ten years, fines up to twenty thousand dollars or possibly community service. I do not want sex with you enough to risk either a decade in prison, making myself poor or picking up litter. You should have relocated us to a more relaxed state if you were planning on getting frisky al-fresco.’

  Daxx opened his mouth to speak but Bella Rose hadn’t quite finished.

  ‘And number three: I can tell you right here and now that I will get absolute zero pleasure from a hurried, frantic shag up against that railing. You might get a kick out of feeling as if you’re doing something a bit risqué but I am a grown ass woman and I know what I like.’

  She turned and stepped back inside the penthouse. Daxx stayed outside on the balcony, clearly unsure about where he stood after her strong reaction. Bella Rose deposited her wine glass by the sink and then checked the time again. He was an irritating twat a lot of the time but she probably had got a spare fifteen minutes.

  ‘I’m on for another session,’ she called through the open window. Daxx jerked his chin up, a hopeful smile flooding across his face. ‘But we have a perfectly comfortable bed in here.’

  She headed into the bedroom. Daxx was hot on her heels and they were both naked in seconds. Well, Bella Rose was. Daxx, as always, struggled to take off his socks and Bella Rose made a mental note to suggest that next time, he removed them before taking off his boxer shorts. She may well have seen the most intimate parts of him but there was nothing sexy about being confronted with his arse in her face.

  Once he was finally undressed, he advanced upon the bed where Bella Rose was quickly checking her phone, just to make sure that she hadn’t missed anything exciting on Facebook.

  ‘Do you want to try—’ he started.

  ‘No.’ Bella Rose cut him off mid-sentence. She didn’t know what he was about to propose but if it was something new or quirky then she was absolutely not in the mood. She was delighted that he’d been so receptive to learning some new moves but as always, he was trying to run before he could walk and she was keen for him to master the positions that gave her some pleasure before he got all sex-god on her. ‘Let’s just do the stuff that I showed you, yeah?’

  She put down her phone and rolled towards Daxx. He clasped her body to his own and then, in an act as old as time itself, they joined together in a blissful liaison.

  ‘No! Not there!’ shrieked Bella Rose, pulling away and glaring at Daxx. ‘Are you trying to be funny or something?’

  ‘Sorry!’ he gasped. ‘Sorry, sorry, sorry. That was totally unintentional.’

  ‘It’d better have been,’ Bella Rose muttered darkly. ‘There are probably laws about that in Oklahoma too and if you try that again then I’ll report you myself.’

  Daxx sighed deeply and rolled onto his back.

  ‘Now what’s wrong with you?’ demanded Bella Rose, before glancing down and seeing the problem.

  The sun had sunk lower in the sky and it would appear that it had taken Daxx’s enthusiasm and vigour with it.

  Bella Rose patted his shoulder kindly.

  Don’t worry, honey,’ she told him, her voice kind and reassuring. ‘It’s really very common.’

  Daxx looked up at her, his eyes hooded and dark.

  ‘But what kind of a man am I if I’ve lost that?’ he whispered. ‘It’s my entire identity.’

  Bella Rose snorted and swung her legs off the bed. ‘You can be a bit of a dick sometimes,’ she agreed. ‘But I think there’s a bit more to you than a five-and-a-half-inch copulatory organ.’

  Daxx flinched.

  ‘Fine,’ Bella Rose said patiently. ‘Six inches.’

  And then she blew him a kiss and gave him a smile before dragging him off the bed and towards the shower. Daxx drove her crazy most of the time but he brought her a cup of tea in bed every morning and rubbed her shoulders after a long day and bought her chocolate when she was on her period. And when the whole world felt a bit crappy, he was always there for her.

  Just like she was for him. And she knew that he might need a few minutes to recover but there was no reason for that time to be wasted. She had needs too. You can’t keep a good woman down for long.

  I stop typing and lean back in my seat. I don’t know if this is what Binky wants an
d I’m still not convinced that it’s really that humorous but it’s got to be hitting all the right notes on the sexy front and that’s just going to have to be good enough. The clock on the wall tells me that I’ve got half an hour before Nick returns with Benji and, as I’m feeling on a roll, it’s probably time to do something about the other issue in my life.

  I push back my chair and walk to the bottom of the stairs.

  ‘Scarlet!’ I yell, loudly. ‘Time to get up!’

  There is no response so I shout again, even louder. And then a third time, this time really letting my vocal chords have a workout.

  There’s a grunting sound from the vicinity of her room and then the ceiling above me shakes as something stomps across the upstairs floor. Scarlet’s bedroom door flies open and a bleary-looking teenager appears at the top of the stairs.

  ‘Why are you screaming?’ she demands. ‘Is the house on fire?’

  ‘Good morning, sweetheart!’ I trill. ‘I’m just about to put the kettle on. Would you like a cup of tea?’

  ‘It’s the middle of the night,’ Scarlet snarls.

  ‘It’s eleven o’clock in the morning,’ I point out, reasonably. ‘Put some clothes on and come downstairs. I want to talk to you.’

  Scarlet mutters something that I can’t quite hear and goes back into her room, slamming the door behind her. I walk back into the kitchen and start making tea, taking my time because I know she won’t appear for at least another fifteen minutes.

  I’m sitting at the table waiting by the time she finally makes her entrance.

  ‘There’s a cup of tea for you,’ I say, pointing to the chair opposite me. ‘Sit down and let’s have a proper chat.’

  ‘What is there to chat about?’ she asks, looking at me suspiciously as she sinks into the seat. ‘Has something happened? Are you having an affair? Are we going to be products of a broken home?’

  ‘What?’ I shake my head and frown. ‘No! Why would you say that?’

  ‘Maybe because you’ve been acting even crazier than usual recently,’ she mutters. ‘There’s definitely something going on around here. You keep dashing off to London on random trips and you’re always bashing away at your laptop.’