by E. L. Todd
My head was spinning. I’d been living in the same city with him for almost a year. I’d been in this apartment, not knowing he was living there. When I walked on the street, I could have crossed paths with him at any time. Maybe we had crossed paths.
Then I realized I wasn’t crazy. When I left my sweater here, Arsen took it. He slept with it. And then when I got it back, his scent was all over it. I wasn’t hallucinating. I knew that scent anywhere. “I’m sorry…it’s a lot to take in.”
“I know,” Dad said. “It’s okay.”
For the past year, I felt nothing but anger and resentment toward Arsen. Just because he changed into someone else didn’t erase what he did to me. It didn’t erase all the pain he caused me. But…all I wanted to do was see him. All I wanted was to hold him. I wanted to talk to him. Why would I feel that way after everything he did? He still didn’t deserve me, even after changing his life.
Dad stared at me. “His shop is on the corner of 5th and Sycamore.”
I nodded but didn’t say anything.
Mom looked at me. “There’s nothing wrong with Pike. But…your father and I are very biased toward Arsen. He’s like a son to us now. It’s hard to see you with Pike when you have no idea who Arsen is now. I had to tell you. I don’t know if it will change anything but you have the right to know.”
I nodded but didn’t say anything.
Dad kept staring at me. “Are you okay, Silke?”
I slowly rose from the chair. “I have to go…”
Dad and Mom stayed at the table.
I headed to the door and walked out. “I…need to be somewhere.”
***
I stood across the street from the shop. The garages were full of cars, and more cars waiting to be seen were in the parking lot. I watched the mechanics run around in their jumpsuits, changing oil and rotating tires. I looked through the front window and saw the motorcycles on display. I stayed on that side of the street for several hours, unsure if I should walk inside.
Arsen wasn’t in my life anymore. I remembered the last time I saw him so vividly. I offered to marry him. I offered to wait for him. But he didn’t want me. He told me he was a waste, and that he wasn’t good enough for me. And when I told him I loved him, he didn’t say it back. Only when I grew hysterical with tears did he tell me the words I’d wanted to hear for our entire relationship. It was the moment when I realized he loved me, but he didn’t love me enough.
I’d tried to change him. I’d never given up on him and always told him he was so much better than the man he was portraying. We fought and screamed at each other over it, but Arsen would never meet me halfway. Instead, he would push me away and hurt me over and over again.
Why hadn’t he changed for me?
Why had he changed for Ryan? For his daughter? Because of his experience in jail?
Why not for me?
I stayed on my side of the street, knowing I shouldn’t cross it. There was nothing to say. I would stare at him blankly, and he would stare at me in return. We were different people now. He was no longer Beast and I was no longer Beauty. While I was happy that he got his life together and he was a great father, that had nothing to do with me.
Besides, I was with Pike now.
Pike was perfect for me. He was an artist, someone who shared my passion. He never hurt me or made me sad. All he did was make me happy. Our relationship was easy and uncomplicated. We never fought or even argued. With him, it was so simple. And he didn’t refrain from telling me he loved me, even when I didn’t say it back. It was nice to be in a relationship that wouldn’t end in heartbreak. It was nice to feel safe. It was nice not to be scared.
Then why I was standing there? Why was I looking at his shop, debating on walking inside? Why did I want to speak to him if I really had nothing to say? Why did I want to look at him?
Why?
I stood there for another half an hour, the same thoughts circling my mind over and over again. Was it curiosity that led me here? Was it skepticism? Did I believe he really changed? Or did I think it was an act?
Or was it another reason entirely?
When the street was clear, I crossed it. The window was expansive and wide, so I looked inside. There was a front desk with a man behind it, but it wasn’t Arsen. The lobby was full of people sipping coffee as they waited for their car to be attended to. Shiny bikes faced the open window, looking enticing to anyone who wanted some thrill in their life.
But I didn’t see Arsen.
I kept looking around. In the rear, I noticed a door that led to an office. There was a window, but blinds covered the view. He was probably in there.
My heart pounded hard in my chest as the adrenaline kicked in. We were ten feet apart and separated by two different walls. I wondered if this was the closest I’d been to him in the past year. Or maybe I’d been closer and just never knew.
I pressed my nose to the glass as I waited for him to come out. When he didn’t, I suspected I’d be standing there forever until he did. Feeling my hands shake, I opened the front door and walked inside.
The ground was black and white tile, and the leather chairs in the lobby looked comfortable. No one glanced at me as I walked inside. I looked around and saw the bikes up close. They were all shiny and new. I examined the water cooler. There were cucumbers in it.
Awkwardly, I stood there, unsure what I was doing. I noticed the smell. It reminded me of pine and nature. I stepped forward and looked at the door to the office. It was closed and I couldn’t get a glimpse inside. I stood there for a long time, terrified of how far I’d come.
The secretary looked at me. “Ma’am, do you need work on your car?”
I turned to him, feeling confused. “Uh, no.”
“Are you interested in our motorcycles?”
I eyed them then turned back to him. “No.”
He cocked an eyebrow. “Then what can I help you with?”
I fidgeted with my hands then stepped forward. I was suddenly aware of every inch of my body. I felt like I was floating in space, feeling weightless and uncomfortable. I felt like I stuck out, looking odd.
“Ma’am?” he repeated.
My throat constricted before I spoke. “I’m here to see Arsen.” Shit, I said it. It was out. There was no going back. This was going to happen. I was going to see him and not know what to say.
“Oh.” He nodded in understanding. “I’ll let him know you’re here. What’s your name?”
I didn’t want him to know it was me. I didn’t know why. When he walked through the doors, he would recognize me. But I didn’t want to give him a warning. Because when he walked out, I wouldn’t have a warning either. “Janice.”
“Okay.” He picked up the phone and made the call.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Shit, this was really happening. I panicked and wanted to take off. If I ran, he might not see me. I could get out before he opened the door. I could get out of this situation. This was a mistake and I shouldn’t have come here. I didn’t know what to expect, but no good could come from this.
But it was too late.
Arsen stepped out of his office and shut the door behind him. When he looked up, his eyes settled on me. And then he flinched slightly, like I was the last person he expected to see.
“Oh my god…” All sound was silenced because the pounding in my ears was so loud. Arsen was different than he used to be. He was much larger than he once was, but it wasn’t from weight gain. His shoulders were broad and powerful and his chest was expansive. His thighs were thick. I could see the definition even through his designer suit. He wore it well, filling it out like he owned it. It was hard to believe he wore jeans and a leather jacket when he pulled off that suit so well.
When I searched his face, I saw the blue eyes I could never forget. They were artic and chilled, reminding me of the ice on the surface of a frozen lake. They were deep and unyielding, but I remembered the way he let me see him through and through.
His lips were thin like
I remembered, but his jaw seemed to be more stern. A light sprinkle of hair was on his chin and face like he hadn’t shaved in a few days. It was the scruff I remembered touching while he held me after lovemaking.
He looked completely different but he looked exactly the same.
His eyes contained more wisdom than before. There was a new light emitted from deep within. He held himself differently. The attitude was gone, and all that was left was a confident man that didn’t fear any challenge. His intelligence was clear in his look, and he didn’t strike me as someone who was easily intimidated.
Arsen stared at me, sizing me up the way I did to him. But there wasn’t surprise in his eyes. It was like he already knew exactly how I looked. He knew my hair was longer than it used to be and I was a few pounds lighter. It was like he’d seen me a hundred times.
I stayed rooted to the spot, ten feet away from him.
He didn’t move either.
Minutes passed.
Finally, Arsen turned around and opened his office door. Silently, he beckoned me.
I remained still for several seconds before I slowly walked inside. When I passed him, his scent came to me. It was just like the smell of the sweater. It was exactly how I remembered it.
I walked further inside then examined his office. I wasn’t ready to look at him again so I pretended to be more interested in the bookshelves and filing cabinets. I heard the door close behind me but I still didn’t turn around.
Arsen remained silent, still not saying a word.
I closed my eyes for a moment before I turned around and faced him. A few feet were between us, and now I had a closer look at his face. I couldn’t deny that he was more handsome than I’d ever remembered. His fair skin was unblemished. He looked like a wealthy man who’d never known a hard life. It didn’t seem like he’d been in prison at all.
Arsen examined me calmly, like he patiently waited for me to make the first move. He wanted to know why I was there. He wanted to know what I wanted before he spoke a word.
And I had no idea what to say since I didn’t know myself.
I continued to stare at him and feel my heart bleed in longing. It came out of nowhere, and I hadn’t expected it to happen. But it was all I could feel. Memories of our time together came back to me. Every kiss and every touch burned in my mind and permanently implanted themselves there.
My eyes started to burn with tears that didn’t fall. My heart ached for a man who never gave me what I wanted. Even after all the hurt and the pain he caused me, all I felt was fondness and need.
Without thinking or understanding my own actions, I threw myself at him and wrapped my arms around his neck. I rested my face against his hard chest. I took a deep breath once I felt him, unable to believe he was real.
Arsen reciprocated the affection immediately, like he’d wanted it to happen. One hand moved around my waist and the other hooked around my shoulders. He buried his face in my neck and took a deep breath.
My eyes became wet and a few tears escaped. I didn’t understand what I was feeling. My emotions were too complicated to comprehend. But I cried anyway and it was impossible to stop.
He squeezed me to his chest and released a deep sigh.
I held on tightly, wanting the embrace to last forever. “Is this real?” My words came out as a whisper.
For the first time, he spoke. “It is.”
His voice made my hair stand on end.
“And if it’s not, it’s the best dream I’ve ever had.”
I felt his body under my hands, noting how much harder it was. It was like touching a concrete wall. When my face pressed against his suit, I felt his warmth and welcome.
Arsen’s hand moved up then entered my hair, just how it used to when we made love. The touch immediately made me feel hot. He pulled away slightly and looked into my face like he was trying to memorize it. His eyes bore into mine then he glanced at my lips.
He was going to kiss me.
His eyes lingered for a moment before he returned his look to my eyes. “You’re more beautiful than I remember.”
My heart sped up and I felt weak. “You’re hot,” I blurted.
He smirked, and it was such a beautiful thing to see. “Thank you. But it’s probably the suit.”
“No, it’s you.” I wasn’t sure why I said that. It came out of my mouth without thinking.
He pressed his forehead to mine then closed his eyes, just the way he used to when the emotion was too much.
I was suddenly aware of how much we touched each other. We hadn’t had a conversation at all. All we did was touch and feel each other, like no time had passed. While his appearance had changed, he was very much the same. He touched me like he hadn’t touched anyone else since our last parting. But I knew that was extremely unlikely. When the thought made me sad, I stopped thinking about it.
His touch felt too intimate, too right. I knew I needed to end it, but I wasn’t sure how. The affection was something I hadn’t anticipated. Like magnet and steel, we slapped hard together and were impossible to pull apart.
Somehow, I had the strength to step back.
Arsen let me go, reluctantly.
I stared at him, unsure what to say. There were a million things I needed to say but I couldn’t think of a single line. “So, this is your shop?” It was lame and pointless but it was all I could come up with.
“Yeah,” he answered. “Everything has run smooth since the day it opened. I’m very lucky.”
He spoke differently, with confidence and calmness. His attitude and snappish behavior was untraceable. It was like he was a different person, someone who aged fifty years in spirit but not appearance.
“I’m glad it has been a success.”
“You can thank your father for that. He’s a business mastermind.”
I stared at him, my mouth immobile. All I could think about were his thin lips, the mouth I used to kiss whenever I had the opportunity.
“How did you find out about me?” He put his hands in his pockets.
“My parents.”
“They told you?” he asked curiously.
I nodded. “Mom said I had the right to know.”
He nodded and his eyes looked distant, like he was thinking of something too complicated to explain. “You are the last person I expected to see this afternoon.”
“I stood across the street for three hours before I came inside.”
“And what took you so long?” he asked quietly.
“I…I’m not sure.”
“Well, I’m glad you did,” he said. “It’s nice to see you—up close. And it’s nice to know you’re looking back at me.”
His words were eloquent and intelligent. The bad boy I used to know was gone. “When did you see me?”
“Sean and I were driving and I saw you walking. You were wearing that sweater you left at the apartment. The one you took back.”
I knew he took it.
“And then I saw you smell it when you stood in the bathroom. I was in your parents’ room at the time. It was hard to watch you and pretend I didn’t exist.”
“Why didn’t you say something?” I whispered.
“I promised your father I wouldn’t. And I respect him more than anyone else on the planet.”
I crossed my arms over my chest and averted my gaze. “How was prison?”
He didn’t react in any noticeable way. “Exactly what you would expect.” He kept his back straight and his shoulders square, looking intimidating but approachable at the same time.
“How long were you there?”
“Eight months. Your father got me out—with the help of his friends.”
“That was nice of him.”
“Like I said, I respect him more than anyone else.”
I could tell he was loyal to my father, and would take a bullet for him in a heartbeat. “I’m glad you’re out of there. I had nightmares about it.”
He turned his gaze on me but his eyes were unreadable. “I’m sor
ry. The last thing I wanted was for you to suffer for my stupidity.”
I tightened my hold on my waist, like that would make me feel calmer. “Do you still smoke weed?”
“No.” His voice sliced through the air and reverberated off the walls. There was such authority in it that he could steady a bullet in midair. A slight note of offense carried in his tone. “No. And I never will again.”
He was completely different. And it was nice to see.
“Dad told me you have a relationship with your daughter now.” It wasn’t a question but I wanted to know more about that.
His eyes lightened at the mention of her. “Her name is Abby. She’s six years old. And she’s the most precious thing I’ve ever seen. I’m sorry, but you come in second to her, but just barely.”
I smiled at the enthusiasm of his voice. “No offense taken.”
He approached his desk and grabbed a picture. “This is Abby.” He handed it to me.
I examined the picture and saw a little girl with dark brown hair just like her father. Her eyes were the same color and shape, and she was absolutely adorable. She was sitting on Arsen’s lap with a pink stuffed pony in her arms. She was smiling at the camera, as was Arsen. I touched the picture, like I could actually touch her. “She’s absolutely wonderful.”
“She is,” he agreed. He nodded toward his desk. “I’ve quickly become one of those parents that never stops talking about his kids.”
I smiled. “That’s how it should be.”
He took the frame and returned it to his desk. Then he turned back to me.
“I’m so happy for you,” I blurted.
“Thank you. I am too. But, I admit, I’ll always hate myself for leaving her to begin with. Abby forgives me, but I’ll never forgive myself.”
I stared at him before I found the right response. “No, you shouldn’t have left. But you’re in a much better place now to give her what she needs. Don’t beat yourself up over it.”
“A child should never be without a father. My dad wasn’t a great man, but my life would have been better if he’d stuck around instead of leaving me behind. The same is true for my mother.” When he spoke, there wasn’t any pain in his voice, just resignation.
