by Lisa Olsen
“It was as beautiful as I knew it would be,” he murmured, softly stroking my hair.
I came down from the haze of pleasure, the doubts already crowding to be let back into my thoughts. Sex in the back of a limo – not super romantic for our first time. Sure, it’d been hot, but not really my style. Then again, was any of what I’d just done my style?
Once the tiny crack appeared in my mental ramblings, other doubts wormed their way in, forcing it wider. Without Jakob’s drugging influence, my thoughts cleared enough to wonder – was he compelling me to feel things I didn’t? Did he even know he was doing it? What if wanting me so badly forced him to compel me without realizing it, just like I worried I’d done with Bishop? It wasn’t like me to sleep around, especially with someone I knew I didn’t love. Was it more than a surge of hormones that had driven me into his arms?
Would I ever know my true feelings as long as I was with Jakob?
Chapter Thirteen
It was time to find a bigger place to live. At first I’d thought Jakob was being snarky when he questioned our living arrangements, but he was right. It wasn’t working for us anymore, especially me. All I wanted was a speck of privacy when I stumbled in from my date with Jakob, almost too tired to move, but the girls had other ideas.
They wanted to hear all about the date, and when I was going to take them sightseeing. Ellie’s bouncy questions continued until she quite literally fell asleep mid-sentence, passing out as the sun lightened the sky. Maggie helped me get her into bed, and then shyly asked a few questions of her own. I hated to shut her down when she showed initiative for once, so I stayed up later than I’d have liked, when all I wanted to do was curl up with a blanket and a mug of cocoa and figure out how badly I’d complicated things by sleeping with Jakob.
When I broached the subject of finding a new place to live, the girls were on board from the start. That made sense, we were all crowded in the small apartment, even if they both had their own rooms. We spent a couple of hours poring over the listings online, drawing up a wish list of wants and needs.
Ellie was disappointed we wouldn’t be buying a mansion, but with real estate prices being what they were in San Francisco, we were firmly in the rental territory. Especially since I had no real income to report. I couldn’t put Jarl of the Northwest as my occupation on any loan documents, could I?
Even though Maggie expressed an interest in going, I decided to take just Ellie along with me. I thought it was time we spent some one on one time together, and I wanted to take her out hunting earlier in the night to avoid a frenzy like the last time. Gunnar and Isak came along as usual, but showed no real interest in an apartment one way or another.
“Don’t you two care where you end up hanging out all night?” Ellie asked from the back of the car.
“Makes no difference to us,” Gunnar replied with a shrug of the shoulders.
“Where do you guys live now? Maybe we should get someplace close so you don’t have to commute very far?” I suggested.
“You would not like our neighborhood,” he said with a quick shake of his head. “It’s very not good.”
That got me to thinking. “Maybe we should be looking for a place big enough for all of us? Then you could feel perfectly at home instead of always standing by the door?”
“We should not feel at home while working,” Isak frowned. “It is work.”
“True, but there’s no law that says you have to make it harder on yourself, is there? Besides, what about when I’m out late? That’s got to make it a sucky drive on the way home with the sun coming up, right?”
They didn’t say anything, and I could tell they were thinking about it. Not that I knew where to find a five bedroom apartment anywhere in the city, but maybe we could work something out – find adjoining apartments or maybe even rent a house a little farther out.
Ellie hated the first three places we went to check out. She said they were too small and cramped and the last one smelled of cabbage. I didn’t think they were all that bad, especially after seeing the crappy place she’d been holed up in back in England, and I started to think she was feeling grumpycakes more from a need to eat than from any real fault in the apartments.
Finally, I agreed to take a break and grab something to eat before we kept looking, even though that meant we’d have to compel our way in to see the other apartments the later it got. Before we set out to pick a likely victim, I talked to her again about the importance of learning control, of paying attention to how much she took and more importantly, to the rhythm of the heart before it was too late.
Ellie listened to it all, nodding owlishly at every turn. Convinced she was in the right frame of mind, I stood back to let her select her own target, not needing anything myself after sharing blood with Jakob.
My mind wandered then, thinking back on the night before through hazy memories, blurred and indistinct. How much of that had been real and how much a direct product of his influence?
I forced those thoughts from my mind and focused on supporting Ellie, should she need me, though I was convinced she was in a much stronger position to handle it on her own that night.
Boy, was I wrong.
Counting along in my head as she fed on her victim of choice, the first warning signs went by without any signs of her slowing.
“Ellie?” I laid a light touch to her shoulder, with no response. Not again… “Ellie, you have to stop.” I shook her shoulder harder. Should I carry a spray bottle to get her attention like a disobedient cat? “Ellie, stop it now,” I ordered, pulling her off of him.
To her credit, she didn’t lunge at him again. She took care of the compelling to forget and healing him without batting an eye, but I couldn’t help but feel like she was no closer to being able to stop herself from killing if left unsupervised.
“Right then, shall we see the next flat?” she smiled brightly, once we were out on the street again.
“How about we talk about what happened back there?”
“Why? You were there to make sure I didn’t kill him, no harm done.”
“Yes, but that isn’t the point. The point is, you’re supposed to be learning how to control those impulses and stop on your own. That is what you still want, isn’t it?”
“Of course it is,” she insisted, losing some of the flippant quality. “I know you’re right, everything you said before and now. But when the blood starts flowing… I can’t help m’self.”
“Try the counting, I really think it might work for you if you give it a chance. Maybe if you focus on the numbers, you won’t get so caught up in the blood?”
“Right,” she snorted at first, but then offered an earnest nod, squaring her shoulders. “Alright, I’ll give it a bash.”
“That’s my girl,” I grinned, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. “Now, let’s go find an amazing apartment.”
Only there were no amazing apartments to be had on the budget I’d set for myself. True, I could probably afford more, especially if Maggie and the boys chipped in some, but I couldn’t get over the sticker shock of some of those rents. We returned home with no clearer picture of where to go next, and I resolved to spend some more time looking into a higher price bracket to get us the space we needed.
Jakob pulled the handle out of my hand the instant I opened the car door to step out. “You weren’t here when I came to call. I’ve been waiting for hours. Where were you?” he demanded.
I didn’t like the tone of voice right off the bat. He acted like he owned me or something. I deliberately held off on responding until we were inside the building, letting Ellie and the boys hustle up the stairs ahead of us so we could have some privacy. “I was out apartment hunting. You know you could have picked up a phone if you wanted to see me, then you wouldn’t have wasted a trip over.”
“You should have thought to tell me you would be out.”
“I didn’t know I had to report my every move to you,” I scowled, about to let him have it when his face crumpled
from anger to defeat and he pressed my hand to his heart.
“You don’t… I was merely worried when I found you not at home and I had no message from your guard.”
“Message… you have my bodyguards reporting in to you?”
“Of course.”
“Well, stop it, that’s creepy.” I tugged my hand back, not quite sure how to take this possessive display. “I don’t know what makes you think I need watching over 24/7 anyway. There’s no one after me.”
“You underestimate the danger for one of your position. I will not lose you now that I’ve had you.”
“I beg your pardon?” My brows came up at that.
“I meant found, älskling,” he smiled, instantly contrite.
“What are you doing here, anyway? We didn’t have a date scheduled.”
“I thought to take you out, perhaps to that bed and breakfast I spoke of.”
“I can’t do that tonight,” I begged off, not wanting to get caught up in him to the exclusion of all else. That was part of my problem with Bishop. I let myself get so caught up in being with him, it was devastating when I left. “I’m taking your advice, looking for a bigger apartment.”
“I advised you of this?”
“You said I shouldn’t keep sleeping on the couch.”
“Ah, I see.” Understanding dawned on his features. “It’s true, you should have a place more befitting of your status. But allow me to take care of this minor detail for you. I could arrange for your things to be moved to my hotel suite very quickly. You would want for nothing there.”
Except my own privacy, which was the entire point. “I’m not moving in with you.”
“Why not?” His brows drew together in puzzlement. “You’re my woman. Why should we not rest in each other’s embrace?”
“Because as poetic as that sounds, it isn’t a good enough reason to move in with someone. Being your woman, if that’s what I am, doesn’t define me. I have my own life, my own job, and I need my own space.”
“Then I’ll get you an adjoining room.”
He wasn’t getting it and I tried to explain without stomping all over his feelings. “I don’t want to live in a hotel, I want a home. Nothing fancy, just room enough for all of us. But more importantly, I could offer real sanctuary to whoever needed it instead of just a lot of talk.” I couldn’t do that with him in a hotel, not and hope to keep any secrets at all.
“Back to that again,” he scowled. “When will you leave your petty causes by the wayside and take your rightful place beside me?”
I couldn’t believe he’d said that. I suppose I’d always gotten the feeling that he was vaguely amused by my responsibilities, but this was a hairsbreadth away from open condescension. “This isn’t petty to me. If you want to be a part of my life so badly, then you have to make adjustments to your life too.”
Jakob’s face twisted with something akin to pain, but I wasn’t sure if it was because I’d asked him to change or because he couldn’t. “There are some things I can’t adjust, even if I wanted to. I can’t put down roots here, petal, I can’t stay in one place for too long.”
I’d known he was keeping a low profile, but I hadn’t known there was a time limit to how long he’d be in town. “When were you going to tell me that? I thought you were staying here because you wanted to be near me.”
“I am, and when the time comes, you’ll come with me and we’ll be together always.”
“You sound like you have it all worked out.”
“I do,” he said with utter confidence.
“What if that’s not what I want?”
“Of course it’s what you want.” He waved away the question dismissively, but I wouldn’t let him put me off.
“No, I never said I was going away with you. In fact, I think I’ve been saying the opposite this whole time.”
He looked back at me, stunned by my declaration. “I thought all had changed between us after last night.”
Things had changed, just not in the way he thought. “Last night was… last night. It doesn’t mean you have instant dominion over me.” All at once I had a moment of clarity. “This is what it boils down to. You’ll never see me as more than a pet, will you?”
“You’re hardly a pet to me, I love you.”
“No, you love a person who doesn’t exist. Some delicate flower to be protected and kept under glass. Maybe I was that once, but you made me into this and now I can’t go back.”
I didn’t think I wanted to either. For all the angst over my lost humanity, there were parts of me I definitely liked better as a vampire. One of them was the ability to stand up to him now.
“I love you as you are,” Jakob insisted. “If you would only let me show you…”
“I have responsibilities. I have my own dreams that have nothing to do with being a kept woman.” That’s what I would be if I left with him, I knew it now.
“I could make you leave with me.” His eyes blazed before me, and it took everything I had in me not to look away, knowing the power of that gaze.
“Yes, you could. But we’d both know it wasn’t real.” If that didn’t matter to him, I was sunk. I’d do whatever he pleased with a merry song in my heart. I waited for him to do his worst, but nothing happened.
“It’s still him, isn’t it?” he asked, shoulders bowing with defeat.
He meant Bishop. In part it was, part of me knew I wasn’t ready to love him because my heart was still five thousand miles away. But more than that, it was realizing that Jakob and I weren’t well suited for each other, at least not in this period of my life.
“This isn’t about Bishop,” I said as gently as I could manage. “This is about you and me.”
“Do you want me to get on my knees?” Jakob immediately sank to the floor, catching hold of my hands and pressing them to his lips. “You have bewitched me, made me your willing slave. I’ll do anything you ask of me, only come away with me, and leave these distractions behind. I’ll show you a life truly worth living.”
Good gravy, what was I supposed to say to that? It had to be, hands down, the most romantic thing I’d ever heard in my life, but it wasn’t enough. Romance didn’t bridge the oceans of inequality between us, and it was only a matter of time before it all fell apart, damaging us both in the process.
I felt awful about it, but I pulled my hands lightly from his to give my reply. “Jakob, I feel the connection between us, I really do, but I can’t be what you need me to be. It’s as simple as that.”
“This isn’t what you want, petal. You want to sing and enjoy the arts. You weren’t made for this life of political intrigue.”
“I’m not the girl you thought I was, not anymore.”
In the face of that quiet declaration, Jakob rose with quiet dignity, drawing himself up to his full height. “I won’t trouble you any longer then,” he said stiffly. “I’ll see you again one day. Maybe by then you’ll have grown enough to see what I’m offering you.”
“I could say the same to you.” Maybe in the future he’d come to understand that loving someone didn’t mean trying to fit them into your own narrow definition of them. If not, then we’d have to remain friends and nothing more. “Goodbye, Jakob,” I whispered, closing my eyes as he delivered a chaste kiss to my forehead.
“Goodbye, älskling,” Jakob murmured against my skin, and then he was gone. He never did tell me what that meant.
Chapter Fourteen
I know I should have gone up the stairs where my friends waited, but I wasn’t in the mood to see or talk to anyone. All I wanted was some time alone to wade through the sea of emotions threatening to engulf me at any moment. Though I was convinced of the truth behind my words to Jakob, the moment he left me alone in the foyer, I was consumed with the overwhelming desire to chase after him and call him back.
Not that it would solve anything to beg his forgiveness and give up all my principles to try and be what he wanted me to be, but at least I wouldn’t feel so… alone. So instead I
went back out onto the street, leaving my guard detail inside, hands shoved inside my pockets as I wandered the streets of San Francisco, with no particular destination in mind.
Would it always be like this? It seemed like I was doomed to doubt any relationship I had for the rest of my life. I’d either worry that what they felt was more influenced by my compulsion than honest emotion, or the reverse, that my own feelings had been compromised. What kind of a life was that to lead?
I found myself in front of the new club, Nightshade. And after surrendering my coat, I strode straight past the bar, past the greetings and smiles, to take the stage without a word to anyone. The trio on stage stopped playing, maybe assuming I had an announcement to make, but instead I started to sing. I don’t know where it came from, but the old school melody But Not For Me sprang to mind, and it seemed to capture what I was feeling. Did I sing about Jakob or Bishop? I couldn’t say, I only knew I wanted what I couldn’t have. Again, I felt no nerves or fear at all, and the irony wasn’t lost on me that I had Jakob to thank for that.
The club went deadly silent, all eyes on me with rapt attention, but I didn’t care. After the first verse, the band joined in, hesitantly at first, as if they were afraid I’d object, but I barely noticed them. I was too caught up in the emotion pouring from the bottom of my soul. When the last note hung in the air, I noticed I had tears streaming down my face, and I wiped them away as the crowd offered a subdued applause.
No one approached me as I left the stage, heading for a table in the corner, and a drink appeared at my elbow scant seconds later. I sipped the cool, fruity drink, and gradually some of the misery started to fade and I became aware of my surroundings again. The music had cleansed me in a way that unburdening myself to a single person could never have done, and I started to think the worst of my stormy emotions had subsided.
Still, no one approached me, and I appreciated that immensely. I started to hear chatter around me from other tables though, hushed words filled with a tang of excitement that caught my interest. It seemed a rash of vampire killings had been committed up in the Sacramento area, and I immediately thought of Carter. I’d compelled him to set up shop in America – could he really be so close at hand? There was no reason to expect him to call or let me know he was in the area, so it was entirely possible.
