Mr. Norderick clears his throat. “Let’s stay focused guys.”
Reading. Writing. As if I can concentrate. We’re supposed to be reading Emily Barrett Browning and working on a remake of her “How Do I Love Thee” poem. It’s due tomorrow but I can’t concentrate worth crap. Love shmuvv. I crush Sean’s note into the pocket of my jeans. My book sits open while I try to ignore the loud pattering of my heart by doodling words and pictures into my notebook.
Like clockwork, the bell rings, everyone rushes out and the new routine we’ve been doing since Monday starts. Molly meets Justin outside of the door. They walk behind us, in their own world. Todd still waits for Kallie and they walk together as usual, holding hands, but nothing more. Kallie and I make small talk so the boys can’t get a word in.
Sean glides up next to me, “Did you get my note?”
I turn to Kallie. “So, Kallie, did you watch the new episode of The B Crew last night? It was so boring.”
Kallie shakes her head. “No, but you know what movie I watched? The Grudge. It was old and it wasn’t very nice.”
I roll my eyes. “Humph. I bet.”
Justin yells from behind us, “Know what movie I saw? Weekend at Bernie’s Two. A classic.”
****
Kallie calls me right after school. “Prom is next weekend. That’s like nine days. You have to talk to Sean. Laura said Jane supposedly asked him if he wanted to trade dates.”
“Trade dates? What the hell? How come everyone thinks they can pass their dates around like a bad case of chlamydia?”
“Exactly. Jane would be going with Sean. As his date, Bree. You can’t let that happen.” “What if you go with Sean, and Jane goes with Todd and I go with Brian?”
“Nice try. Jane would love that. She asked Todd after school today. Right in front of my face. She walked up to us in the parking lot and asked him what he was doing about Prom. Todd actually laughed. In his world, Jane cheated on him. Tell me that’s not twisted? He said he’s not even talking to her anymore. I don’t think anyone’s speaking to her right now. You can’t let her go with Sean.”
“I don’t care if he actually goes with her.” I press my phone onto speaker then pummel my fists into my mattress. “I don’t care.”
“Listen to yourself. Yes, you do. Sean’s going to give up eventually, and you’ll miss out on a guy that loves you. And, you’re gonna have a shit Prom.”
“Oh really Kal, like yours is gonna be such a blast. I can’t believe you’re still letting Todd take you.”
“I don’t really have a choice. I thought about it and I’m not going alone. Aside from the depresso factor, it wouldn’t look good. I’m on the Court, my parents will be at the pep rally, and Todd’s parents are coming over for pictures at our house when he picks me up. My parents are more excited than I was. Who wants a bunch of Prom pictures of their daughter … by herself?”
“I guess I know what you mean.” I sigh.
“Exactly. You better figure it out, before it gets figured out for you. Or you might end up going alone.”
I hang up with Kallie and slump into the seat of my desk. Out the window, the tops of the trees wave silently, leaves glistening with flickers of the soon-to-be setting sun.
Even with all the bad shit Jane’s dealt with, she has no problem juggling dates and going after what she wants. Kallie has no problem sweeping Todd’s crap under the rug just to save face. Maybe I should just do what everyone else would do.
A small robin flies past the trees, landing on my window’s ledge. Maisey’s words echo in my ear. Enjoy hanging out with all those assholes, seems like you’ll fit in just fine.
TWENTY-NINE
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I can’t. The fear overrides.
If I love you as much as I do,
the pain will be greater, the loss more vast.
If I love you now, who’s to say it’ll last?
I’m not sure I’m enough to make you stay,
I love you as far as I can run
As deep as an ocean of words I just can’t say.
I wake up in yesterday’s clothes, slumped over a furry blue pillow, my poem still on my lap. My alarm beeps from beneath my hip.
7:12 a.m. Damn it. It’s been going off for over an hour. I switch shirts, brush my teeth, swipe on deodorant, and rush out the door.
The first warning bell rings as I’m running into the school. I throw my hair up and race to my locker with one untied shoe. The whole time, I’m running through things in my head to say to Sean.
Let me count the ways to tell him I can’t do this one more day.
Pretending I don’t see you, hear you, miss you is exhausting.
Who you were with before me means nothing.
Maybe I should be sorry too.
Maybe I just got so mad because I was scared. Scared of loving someone and them loving me back and everything that means.
Maybe being with you is almost too comfortable. Things haven’t been easy lately but us being together made it better. That even when things were awkward, or we had uncomfortable things to say, scary things to talk about, things we were embarrassed about, we were able to just say it.
And I love that about you, and I love that about me. That talking to you and being with you has been so freeing and so scary at the same time.
I meant everything I said and did. I wouldn’t take back a second of it. The sex wasn’t a mistake. We’re not a mistake, us being together has been the only thing that’s felt right to me in a long time.
And I miss you like crazy.
I go over all of these things in my head. A hundred times during every class. Over and over in the hallways.
At the beginning of Nord’s class, Sean doesn’t try to say hi for the first time this week. It throws me off a little and my heart feels like it’s attacking me from the inside so I decide it’s best to wait and tell him everything after the final bell rings.
Once my breathing gets back to normal, I pass Kal a note.
I’m going to talk to Sean after class, so go ahead without me. EEEEEEK. Wish me luck!
She passes one back that says:
FINALLY!!!!
Nord has some of us read our poems during class. Thankfully, he doesn’t call on me. I’m not in the mood to give the class more insights into my love life than they probably already heard in the hallways. Sean doesn’t get called on either. This leaves us at the mercy of such works as Shandy’s poem about the majesty of sunbeams and four-leaf clovers and Justin’s scribed love for old movies and hockey.
The bell rings and Kallie grins and nudges me before making her way out the door. Sean steps out behind her without turning around. He doesn’t try to make eye contact the way he’s been doing all week. But as he turns the corner, I take a deep breath and clear my throat.
“Hey Sean.”
He spins around. “Oh, uh, hey.” Our eyes finally meet. But it’s not the way I planned. There’s no I’ve never stopped loving you eye talk. It’s just him with an expression that’s mopey and confused.
I feel a pinch in my heart. “Can I talk to you for a sec?”
He nods, squinting his eyes, “Sure … I, um, yeah.”
We make our way down the hall, an air of thick tension between us.
“Can we talk in the parking lot? Is that okay?” I pretend to straighten my folders and notebook in my arm. Someone walks in-between us, almost elbowing me out of the way. I drop my folder and quickly pick it back up. “Excuse me, you just––”
“Sorry.” Ugh. It’s Jane. Her eyes meet mine for a beat before she turns to Sean, handing him a shiny red cloth. “I brought a swatch of my dress so you can match it with the corsage. But listen, make it minimal. I don’t want too much red. Tell them to use white as the main and the red as the accent.”
“Yeah, sure no problem,” Sean says, tucking the cloth into the back pocket of his jeans.
Jane says, “Cool, I’ll call you tonight so we can go over
other stuff.” She touches my shoulder and smiles, “Sorry about nudging you. It really was an accident.” There’s an actual sincerity on her face that I want to smack off. “Later guys.” She turns and heads the other way.
The pace of my walk triples, but Sean keeps up. “Yeah, the parking lot is fine.”
My eyes glaze over. I walk with steady long steps, eyes straight ahead. “Actually that’s okay. I, um … I thought I had your sweatshirt in my car, that’s all. But I just realized I don’t. I don’t have it. I’m sorry.”
“All right, well if you still––”
And once again I’m running. Running away from Sean. Pushing through bodies, backpacks, armies of friends, lovers, frenemies, planning tonight, planning tomorrow, laughing, hopes high, shoulder to shoulder. I keep running even though everything gets more and more blurry. I just need to make it to my car.
C’mon Bree, keep it together, don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
I can’t let anyone see me like this. Before I get to the front doors, Jane and Laura are coming from the opposite way. Kallie, Todd, Molly, and Justin are right in front of me. I hold my folder and notebook up like a face shield. A single tear falls. A thin straight line down my cheek. I make a sharp right turn into the girl’s bathroom.
Opening the door of the last stall, I heave a breath of the air that’s been trapped in my lungs. Sitting down on the edge of the toilet seat, my tears burn trails down my face. I wrap my hands in toilet paper and bury my face into them, convulsing into sobs.
Who was I to think he would wait? After coming by the house at least five times, numerous unanswered calls, and voicemails I haven’t even heard. Kallie was right. If I wait too long, I’m going to lose him. Apparently time is of the essence when Prom’s one week away and Jane is waiting in the wings. My whole body shakes, feeling lighter and lighter as I sob the last of my tears. I just want to go home.
Before I leave the bathroom, I check the mirror. Even my eyebrows and the divot above my lip are red and puffy like my eyes. I grab my sunglasses from my bag and as I’m wiping the lenses with my T-shirt another glimpse of myself in the mirror taunts me. Something feels familiar.
Maisey. Her face practically stares back at me in the mirror. She’s just like when I saw her in this same spot two months ago. Crying, wiping her eyes. Pitiful, humiliated, lonely, defeated. Like me.
****
The parking lot is nearly emptied. Brian is leaning against his car, parked right next to mine.
“Hey Brian, what’s up?” I ask, adding a fake dash of pep to my voice.
“Geez, what took you so long? I was beginning to think you were kidnapped by Janitor Bob.”
I adjust my sunglasses. “I wish. Were you waiting to talk about Prom?”
“Yeah. No offense, but this is exasperating. Everyone’s turned Prom into a joke. As immature as it is, Prom King is a nice title to have. I’m a writer and it’d be kind of quirky to have “Former Prom King” as part of my bio. But the vote usually goes to a couple. A stable, beloved, amiable couple. We’ll never win. Not that anyone else has a chance either, with everyone cheating and sleeping with each other. It’s like a bad episode of … something. Help me out here. I don’t watch TV.”
“Anything on Wednesday nights. Yeah, I thought the same thing. Sorry you got stuck with me,” I shrug. “We can still have fun though.”
Brian raises an eyebrow.
“But I mean, if you don’t want to, we don’t have to go together. If you have someone else in mind.” I tap the dirt off the foot of my Converse.
“Like Molly or Jane? Or my boyfriend who says he wouldn’t be caught dead at a high school Prom?”
“Ouch. Sorry.”
“It doesn’t matter. I’m not even out yet to my parents. Oh well, at least you’re on the Court. That means something. You’ll have to be my date because I don’t have a choice.”
I stare at him for a second and then click my car door unlocked. “But you know what Brian? I do have a choice. You’ll have to figure something out. I’m going alone.” I jump into my car and slam the door. As I drive away, Brian throws down his backpack and kicks his car. Brian Wang, Class Valedictorian, Homecoming King, Class President, Most Likely to Succeed at Everything. Last week he was getting drunk, this week he’s throwing a temper tantrum. I turn up the radio and laugh for the first time since last week.
****
When I get home, something crinkles in the pocket of my jeans. Sean’s note. From yesterday. Instead of ignoring it, like I’ve been doing all week, I open it.
Bree,
I’ve figured out some lyrics for that song I’d been working on. It’s a work in progress but I hope you’ll let me know what you think:
You’re not answering the door
The phone
Of course not the texts
I don’t want to keep waiting to apologize
For something that was nothing
Compared to you
For something that was only
there
before there was you
For something that
(I admit) you might’ve wanted to know
Something that could’ve changed our course
Changed where we went and how you felt
If that’s the case, then I’m not sorry
If that’s the case, I’ll take what I can get
The long conversations
Your hand in mine
The night by the lake
dirt in our fingernails
Moon in your hair
Love felt infinite
How can you just run away?
Turn your eyes
From what we felt just yesterday
I know you love
I know you care
Because I felt it when I held you
I was there
–Sean Mills
P.S.
Breeze,
Please let me know if you still want to go to Prom with me. If you don’t call tonight, I’ll stop bothering you. I don’t want you to think of me as another stalker ex-boyfriend.
Please call.
Love,
Sean
THIRTY
The weekend hours slither by without a word from Sean. Kallie doesn’t even call. Probably making appearances at parties and the diner with Todd. I spend my time going over all the things I wanted to say to Sean, but instead of me waiting until Friday like I did, in my mind, I tell him on Monday or Tuesday. I also replay every conversation we had about Jane, and how I could’ve asked about her. I’m not sure if he’s right that it would’ve been a deal breaker for me had I known. I don’t know. Maybe in the very beginning. But not later, not now. I wish he knew that.
Late Saturday night I spend an hour almost-calling Sean. Today I do the same. Finally, I give up and go to my car to get his Bengals football sweatshirt that’s been balled up on my backseat. I bring it into my bed, crawl under the covers, the faint smell of sandalwood taunting me until I fall asleep wrapped in his sleeves.
Molly calls Sunday, leaving a message to say “hi” and see what I’m up to. I don’t call her back. It won’t be long until people find out that I’m going to Prom alone. And since Sam and Kendall’s group is already set, I’m going totally alone. I thought I’d moved past using my “fake it ’til you make it” mantra but I’m bringing it back. There’s no way I can go to Prom by myself without stepping up my game. I’m going to look and feel like I belong and I don’t care what anyone thinks.
It doesn’t take long for word to get out about my solo status. By Tuesday I’ve had three guys, one girl, and even a junior ask to take me.
Sam slams her orange juice carton on the table. “Damn it. I had no idea Jess was into girls too. Theatre girls usually aren’t my type, but still. Could’ve been a game changer.”
“I’m sure there are a lot more bi girls in our school than you think.” Kendall shrugs then meets my eyes with an extreme look of pity. “I still can’t believe you’re going
alone,” She pushes the suspiciously bright green broccoli around on her plate. “I feel really bad that we don’t have any room.”
“It’s eight of us total, but you can definitely hang out with us once we get to the dance,” Sam says.
“Sure. Don’t worry about it. It’s not like I expected you to hold a limo and dinner reservation just in case Sean decided to go with Jane. Of course it would’ve been nice.”
“Yeah we should’ve known. Those guys think they can do whatever they want no matter who gets dicked over.”
“Well, just for the record, I screwed up with Sean. And I’m the one who told Brian I’d rather go alone than with him.” I finally tell my side of the story and we laugh, comparing it to the versions Kendall and Sam have been hearing since yesterday.
“Oh shit,” Sam says. “If you would’ve just read the damn letter on the day he gave it to you. You must be kicking yourself.”
“So aside from being totally hot and super popular, Sean Mills writes love letters and is madly in love with you. He sounds amazing. But he’s going with Jane? I can’t believe you’re giving up, just like that.”
“Are you guys trying to make me jump off a bridge tonight or what? Jesus.”
Kendall’s eyes look past me as the sound of footsteps approach.
“Don’t jump Bree, don’t do it. I won’t have anyone to bother in Language Arts.”
“Hi Justin,” I say without turning around.
“Molly told me to ask if you wanted to come with us to Prom?” He sits down next to me. “Hello ladies.”
Kendall and Sam say hi and smile like jack-o’-lanterns with blinking eyelashes. Kendall practically drools into her chocolate milk carton. Sure he’s walking around with a little more confidence lately and toned it down half a notch with the jokes, but hanging with Molly Chapman has turned him into like, the eighth hottest guy in the school.
“I think I’m fine,” I say. “It’s not that big of a deal. Thanks though.”
“Don’t say I didn’t offer. Really don’t say that. I promised Molly I’d ask. She said you haven’t called or texted her back. She thinks you’re mad at her for everything.” He quickly glances at Sam and Kendall. “You know, for everything that came out about well, you know. Everybody.”
Liars and Losers Like Us Page 19
