by Monica James
His eyes widen, but he shakes his head. “That’s not true.”
“I heard him, Saxon,” I miserably confess. “He told your parents that I make him s-sick. That I’m hindering his p-progress.” My lower lip trembles, but I refuse to cry.
He sucks in a hissed breath through his teeth. “He’s an asshole. Don’t listen to him. The only person hindering his progress is himself.” His gaze never wavers from my injury as he tends to my wounds.
We’re silent, our heavy breathing filling the still night air. I begin to feel better, no longer lightheaded, and my nausea slips away. But Saxon continues nursing me until he’s satisfied I’ve stopped bleeding.
The moonlight paints his naked torso, the swirls of colors of his tattoos contrasting against the blackness of the night. With a need so fierce and unplanned, I shakily reach out and stroke my fingers across his collarbone and down his muscled bicep. I dare not look at his chest, only focusing on his face and arm.
“They’re really beautiful,” I whisper, my voice cutting through the sudden inner storm.
His flesh breaks out into tiny goose bumps. I’m mesmerized by each one. I want to run my fingertip over each ridge.
“Thank you.” With slow, apprehensive fingers, he gently brushes a curl of hair from my brow. I whimper, his touch doing something it shouldn’t. His words however, completely ruin me. “So…are you.” He swallows. He’s visibly nervous.
“Saxon…” I don’t even know what I want to say. This entire time, I knew I felt something…more. More than I should. And it’s wrong. I shouldn’t feel anything but friendship for him, but I can’t squash down this invisible pull every time he’s near me.
Our eyes lock and I get lost in an ocean of tranquility. Saxon is my anchor, saving me from drifting away when uncharted waters become too rough.
I know what’s going to happen. I need to stop it. But I can’t. He closes the distance between us so painfully slow, I almost forget to breathe. My stomach begins somersaulting and my body heats with…desire. I want him to kiss me.
“Thus from my lips, my sin is purged,” he whispers, licking his bowed upper lip.
He is asking my permission, but he doesn’t need it.
“Then have my lips, the sin that they have took.”
Reciting Romeo and Juliet to a book geek is the way to my heart. But he could say nothing at all and I would still feel this tsunami rolling within.
He smirks, the incredible sight taking my breath away.
This is the time to pull away, to say no, but as he edges closer, I find myself edging closer, too.
At first, I’m taken aback, and remain motionless at the unfamiliar sensation of the softest pair of lips lightly touching mine. They’re apprehensive, testing the waters, and they’re also afraid. Saxon’s confident demeanor is now replaced with trepidation and longing. The sentiment has me tingling from head to toe.
Our lips are pressed together in a deadlock, but neither of us dare move. We’re both afraid that whoever makes the first move will set off a chain reaction of uncontrollable catastrophe that will seal our fates forever.
The thought is the reality check I so desperately needed and I tug away, horrified at what almost transpired between us. But my sense of right and wrong soon fades away when Saxon’s hand snaps out. He fastens his fingers around my nape, drawing my face to his. We’re inches apart, watching one another, never blinking. His warm breath fans my cheeks. I can feel his desire in every breath he takes.
On his knees before me, surrendering everything that he is, he whispers, “Let’s pretend tomorrow doesn’t exist.” Pressing his forehead to mine, he earnestly says, “Whatever happens now, it’ll just be memories from yesterday.” I can feel the tremble rumble throughout his entire body, and his uncertainty leaves me abandoning any lingering doubts. For this stolen moment in time, I just want to…feel.
Gently pushing on his bare, solid chest, he allows me to climb onto his lap as he nestles into the rocky terrain. Without a second thought, I wrap my legs around his waist and hold on tight, with no intention of ever letting go. His chest is rising and falling so quickly, I’m certain I can hear his heart hammering wildly within his body. The cadence matches mine as I seal my mouth around his. The touch of his full lips pressed to mine is complete perfection. But when he angles my mouth at the perfect slope and skillfully tangles my tongue with his, I know that this is nirvana.
The kiss at first is slow, like a roller coaster beginning its incline. But as we reach the pinnacle, it’s an exhilarating head rush of fast, breathtaking passion. When he senses me coyly opening up, lowering my guard and losing myself in the moment, he growls into my mouth. He dominates me with a fierce desire and in this moment, I am his.
I can’t keep up with the frantic pace, and finally, I surrender all I am. I allow him total control, melting when he sucks my bottom lip with a long, wet pull. I madly fuse our lips together, unable to get enough of this heady feeling, needing him to consume me, devour me, make me whole.
He is everywhere, engrained into my every pore, but yet he’s not close enough. I cup his face, his soft stubble feeling like silk underneath my fingers. He moans into my mouth, the sound doing something to me I can’t explain. Pressing my chest to his, I feel his heart still pounding frantically against mine. It pleases me to know he’s just as affected as I am.
I wrap my arms around his neck and toy with the long strands of hair curling at his nape. When he moans even louder, I thread my fingers through his hair and yank hard, fisting his thick locks. He hisses, the sound striking straight between my legs. I’m so turned on, I can feel myself getting wet and I’m embarrassed that all it took was a kiss to get me so worked up.
Our mouths never miss a beat as we kiss recklessly, both appearing to live by Saxon’s words of pretending there is no tomorrow. When I feel something firm stir between us, I whimper, shamelessly wanting to feel more. Flashes of what I saw in the shower flicker behind my eyes, and without a second thought, I rock my hips, gasping at the unforeseen awakening within. This is so unlike me, but I like it.
Each tango of tongues and sashay of lips drives us closer to crossing the line of no return. But who am I kidding? That line was crossed the moment I saw Saxon as someone other than Sam’s brother. This should feel so wrong, but it doesn’t. It feels right.
I continue kissing him until I can longer breathe without him. He becomes my life source—each kiss bringing me back to life. But when I hear my name catching on the wind, the reality of what I’m doing and who I’m doing it with douses my flames, reminding me that right now, right this second, I’m an adulterer. I’ve just cheated on Sam, and with this brother no less.
I feel sick.
Yanking away, I meet Saxon’s startled stare, him not understanding why I stopped. But when I cover my cheating, dirty mouth with a wavering hand, he gets it. There is no remorse in his eyes, only regret. “Lucy…”
His deep, husky voice makes this real. Makes the fact I made out with Saxon and liked it so very real. I’m disgusting.
Pushing off of him, I almost fall backwards as I attempt to stand. He lunges out to help me, but I slap his hand away. My engagement ring catches the moonlight. “Oh my god. What have I done?”
Standing on my own two feet, I look down at a broken-hearted Saxon. My need to console him leaves me winded, but I can’t. I’m afraid if I get too close, I’ll kiss him again.
“Lucy!” There is no mistaking that its Greg calling out my name. I need to get out of here.
“I’m sorry, Saxon. This shouldn’t have happened.” My lip trembles as I know I’ve just lost my best friend. But I’ve also lost a piece of me.
I don’t wait for him to reply. I can’t. I turn on my heel and run. That’s all I seem to be doing lately.
Too bad I can’t run away from the colossal mess I’ve just made.
* * * * *
September 4th 2004
Dear diary,
One month ago, I met Sam. So it only
seems fitting that one hour ago we shared our first kiss. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to wipe the smile from my face because I can’t remember ever being this happy!
It was totally unplanned, which is completely ironic, seeing as I’ve been dropping not so subtle hints all month.
Sam won his basketball game and being on a high, his teammates decided it would be fun to throw an impromptu party at Jonno’s house. Piper and I were excited to go, as it was our first real party. We’ve been to a few smaller parties, but this one was massive. There were over one hundred people there, and most were kids from our school.
Samuel was of course the star attraction. Everyone wanted a piece of him. Piper was off looking for Saxon, but I knew this wasn’t really his scene. I know she’s using Saxon as an excuse because she doesn’t particularly like Sam, and I don’t know why.
Every time I tried to talk to Sam, a new face would appear, congratulating him on his win. It was great seeing him being appreciated and acknowledged for the amazing athlete that he is, but after a while, I felt like the third wheel.
I never drink. Like ever. But tonight, I decided to try my first beer. It was awful, but after two sips, I felt buzzed. Boredom led to another beer and before I knew it, I was drunk. Wow, what a lightweight. The first time I drink I get drunk and off of two beers!
I noticed Alicia Bell loitering around Samuel for the majority of the night. She was his girlfriend before we started dating, and from the way she was hanging all over him, I dare say she wishes she still was.
I don’t know if it was the beer or maybe the fact another girl was pawing my boyfriend, but I marched over to Samuel, pushed through the crowd of fans circling him, and kissed him, right there in front of everyone.
At first he froze, and I thought I was doing it wrong because I’ve never kissed anyone before. But when he looped his hands around my waist and drew me into the warmth of his body, I knew he was just as shocked as I was by my forwardness, as me instigating this kiss was kind of a big deal.
The kiss was perfect. Everything I thought it would be and more.
My head was spinning the entire time and I’m certain it wasn’t the alcohol. I was drunk on Samuel. I still am.
We kissed for minutes. The crowd eventually grew bored by our frantic making out and left us to our heavy petting.
My heart is still racing because I can still feel, smell, and taste everything about that first kiss—it was the kiss of all kisses, and I’m sure no other kiss can compare.
Fourteen
I can’t face him.
I can’t face either of them.
What have I done?
After I was done assuring Greg I was fine, I ran back to the house and hid in my room. Samuel, of course, wasn’t anywhere to be found, and I spent another lonely night in my bed alone. But for once, I didn’t mind.
It’s now after midday and I have no intention of leaving my room—ever. I’ve used the time to catch up on the real world as Kellie’s comments last night had me thinking about how much I miss work. Now that Samuel has made his feelings perfectly clear, I guess there is no reason for me to stay. I could go over to Syria like I planned and lend a hand to people who actually need and want my help.
Groaning, I slam my laptop shut, as I’m in no frame of mind to be helping anyone out. I’m the one who needs assistance at the moment, but I have no one I can ask.
I certainly can’t talk to Piper or my parents about this, as I’m so ashamed by my actions. I don’t want anyone to know what I’ve done. The person who I would usually go to in times of crisis is Saxon, but for obvious reasons, that option is totally off the table.
I don’t know what I’m going to do.
A soft knock on my bedroom door has me falling back onto my bed and covering my face with a pillow. I know who’s there. Samuel would have zero need to come see me and Piper is at work. When the knock sounds again, I reach for another pillow.
I vaguely hear the door whining open, revealing that I can’t hide forever. But I can try. As I blindly reach for another pillow, warm fingers gently clasp around my wrist to stop my hunt. I squash down the happy feelings of him being in my room, touching me.
“Are you playing hide and seek? ’Cause if you are, you really need to find a better hiding spot.” Saxon’s voice is muffled, but it still sends a shiver down my spine.
Fingers walk down my arm, leaving a blaze of goose bumps in its wake. I don’t bother trying to mask my response to him because my body is a complete traitor. Gently coaxing me to let go of pillow number one, I oblige, as I’m finding it hard to breathe in my cushioned cage. Pillow number two is a harder battle because I know once it’s removed, I’ll have no other choice but to face my infidelity.
Saxon doesn’t give up and finally, I give in, but I keep my eyes squeezed shut. I can’t face him. Not yet.
“Lucy, please look at me.”
“No, I can’t,” I reply, red-faced.
He sighs, a sound of frustration. “So you’re going to keep your eyes closed every time I walk into a room?”
He’s right. I’m being absurd.
With a slow, measured speed, I open my eyes. They land on Saxon as he stands by the bed. His arms are crossed, but he doesn’t look mad.
“Hey.”
Sitting up, I brush the matted hair from my brow. “Hey.”
This is so incredibly uncomfortable and I hate it. We never used to have any uncomfortable silences, but that was before I threw myself into his arms like the adulterating whore that I am.
My face obviously betrays my thoughts. “Lucy, stop it,” Saxon says, sitting beside me.
I shift away, afraid of getting too close. I can’t look at him. I lower my eyes, scared of what happens when I gather my wits and face him.
“Lucy, about last night…” His pause makes me groan.
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Well, too bad, because I do.”
His stubbornness is what I need and I angrily raise my eyes, only wishing I didn’t as I zone in on his bowed upper lip—lips that I kissed, and liked kissing very much.
“Ugh!” I slap my hands over my face. I really am not doing myself any favors.
He chuckles. “Seeing as you can’t look at me, I’ll do the talking. We kissed, Lucy, that’s it. We didn’t break any laws.”
“Are you serious?” I cry, unshielding my face. “I broke about five hundred laws. The most important law was to remain faithful to my future husband!”
His grins, a telltale sign that he’s pulling my leg. “Now that you’re actually looking at me, can we talk?”
I nod because he’s right. We need to talk about this as I like looking at him. Again, not doing myself any favors.
“I’m not going to tell anyone about what happened, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
Pulling at a loose thread on the bedspread, I shake my head. “That’s the least of my concerns. It shouldn’t have happened.”
“I know, but it did.”
Silence.
“I did mean it when I said we can pretend that tomorrow doesn’t exist.”
If only it were that simple. “I can’t pretend. I know what I did. How can I live with myself? I cheated on my fiancé who has amnesia with his identical twin brother. If that’s not an episode for Jerry Springer then I don’t know what it is.”
He smirks. I’m glad he’s finding my dilemma amusing. “Look, you’re under a lot of stress, Samuel is being a complete asshole to you, and not to mention, you hit your head. One can’t blame you for doing something out of character. We all make mistakes. You were vulnerable.”
But that’s the problem. As I sit here, listening to Saxon make excuses for my epic sluttiness, I don’t see what we did as a mistake. Yes, we shouldn’t have kissed, I acknowledge that, but the act within itself, the kiss, it wasn’t a mistake. It certainly didn’t feel like one. It felt perfect.
This scenario, however, is not. “Friends kiss, it’s no big deal.
Anyway, I was drunk…” He continues talking but I don’t listen to a single word he says because my head begins reeling. He was drunk? Since when? I didn’t think he was intoxicated. He only had three beers at dinner.
Is he really disregarding our kiss? He’s not playing the ‘I was drunk and you were concussed’ card, is he?
It appears that he is. “Neither of us was in the right frame of mind. You’re right, it shouldn’t have happened.”
Saxon is giving me a get out of jail for free card and all I want to do is rip it up in his face. Wasn’t the kiss any good? Is that why he can pretend it never happened? From my end, it was unbelievable, but Saxon obviously doesn’t agree.
“I like being your friend, Lucy, and I wouldn’t want a little thing like a kiss to ruin that friendship.”
He needs to stop talking.
“Are you angry at me?” he asks, while I sit, grinding my teeth.
Am I?
The way he’s discounting what happened between us hurts. It also pisses me off. I’m a melting pot of emotion right now. I should be relieved that things can go back to “normal” between us, but I’m not. But I also don’t want to lose Saxon as a friend.
“You don’t want to be friends anymore?” The sadness breaks my heart.
“Of course I do,” I reply, leaning out to touch his forearm, finally speaking. “I just…don’t want things to be weird between us.”
“Neither do I.” He looks down at my fingers caressing his arm. I quickly snatch my hand away.
“I’ll never forgive myself for what I did to Sam, but I don’t think I can do this without you. So if pretending is the lesser of two evils then…okay.” I feel like I’ve gotten off scot-free. I deserve some kind of punishment for my crimes. But all I get is Saxon’s hand slipping into mine. “I’m an awful person, Saxon. I don’t deserve your friendship. I deserve to be treated like the cheating tramp that I am. Sam hasn’t even been home a week! I’m atrocious.” I’ll carry this guilt around with me for as long as I live.
