“Don’t worry.” Meredith’s eyes began to close of their own accord. “I’m too tired to leave this bed.”
His voice softened as he backed off the hard line he had taken. “We can explore Saigon some other time. I’m taking you back to the base in the morning.”
Meredith forced her eyes open. “No, you aren’t. Robinson has the right idea. We can’t turn tail and run because of what happened tonight. Tomorrow, you’re going to take me shopping so I can buy a new dress.”
“You’re as crazy as she is,” he said with a shake of his head. “Get a good night’s sleep. I’ll see you in the morning.”
He pressed a kiss to her forehead and returned to his room. After he left, Meredith tried to give in to her overwhelming exhaustion.
Every time she closed her eyes, her mind filled with visions of George and Robinson searching for survivors of the blast. Vivid images of them treating the living, consoling the dying, and paying respect to the dead.
She thought she’d be seeing a lot more of the affable man from Wisconsin. As she listened to the continuing sounds of chaos outside her window, however, she feared she might never see the willful woman from Georgia again.
Chapter Five
Jordan felt like she was watching a war movie in which her grandmother had a starring role. When she was younger, she used to beg Grandma Meredith and Papa George to tell her stories about their adventures in the Army, but each had always found an excuse not to grant her request. Now Grandma Meredith was breaking the silence once and for all. The experiences she had undergone were worse than Jordan had ever imagined. How had she managed to return home without suffering any of the physical or mental injuries that had plagued so many of her fellow veterans? Nights like the one she had just described would have haunted Jordan for the rest of her life.
“Geez, Gran, you could have been killed.”
“You sound like your grandfather.”
“But it’s true.” Jordan took her eyes off the road long enough to sneak a peek at Grandma Meredith’s face. She looked so unruffled the story she had just told could have happened to someone else. “You could have died that night, and you sound so calm about it.”
Grandma Meredith looked down at her hands, which were primly folded in her lap. “I had my moments.”
“When?”
Grandma Meredith sighed deeply. She seemed almost ashamed to admit she was human, complete with all the requisite frailties and faults.
“I was in denial for days after the incident. I told myself I would be fine as long as I didn’t allow myself to feel the pain. I would be fine as long as I could remain numb and didn’t think about what happened. Alice was in dire shape, and those two nurses I’d served with in Okinawa were dishonorably discharged after news of their arrest became public knowledge. I didn’t see them get escorted off the base, but Lois couldn’t wait to tell me all about it. Two of our colleagues’ lives were ruined by someone’s prejudice, and she was practically gloating. It could have so easily been me being paraded around in handcuffs and locked in the back of a police van, but I couldn’t afford to empathize with them. I had to keep going. To keep moving. To pretend that night never happened. That it didn’t mean as much as it did.”
Grandma Meredith paused as if she had said too much, but she didn’t remain quiet for long.
“Reality hit me after I was transferred to Long Binh. I ended up in the infirmary because of the injuries to my feet, and all I could do when I was in there was think. As I lay in bed day after day, I started getting more and more depressed. When Natalie came to see me, I burst into tears the second she walked in the room.”
Jordan found it interesting Grandma Meredith alternated between referring to her former friend by her first and last names as if she couldn’t figure out if they were supposed to be close or estranged. They had obviously grown close at some point. Close enough to share a dance and, perhaps, a great deal more. What had happened to drive them apart, Grandma Meredith’s feelings for Papa George or Robinson’s feelings for her?
“When I saw her,” Grandma Meredith said, “I finally realized how close both of us had come to dying. If we had walked a little slower, we might have been in front of the Regency when the bomb went off. And if the building had collapsed while we were trying to save the people trapped inside, we would have been the ones in need of rescue. When the MPs burst through the door at Suzy’s, Natalie didn’t hesitate before she went out that window. She was willing to put her career on the line in order to save mine. I’ll never forget that.”
“I like this Robinson chick more and more with each passing mile. She’s a real badass. Both of you are heroes. You know that, right?”
“I didn’t take charge that night. I followed someone else’s lead. If anyone’s a hero, Natalie Robinson is. I’m not.”
Jordan should have known Grandma Meredith would play the modesty card. She always downgraded her achievements, no matter how large or small. But this one? This one was huge.
“Did Alice pull through?”
“Yes, thank goodness. She was shipped home as soon as she was well enough to travel. She had to undergo several surgeries and many, many months of rehab, but she was eventually able to get back on her feet. We’ve kept in touch over the years. She sends me a Christmas card each year, along with pictures of her grandkids and a family newsletter detailing the high points of the year. I return the favor, but her newsletter’s always a good bit longer than mine.”
“I’ll try to give you more to write about this year.”
Jordan didn’t often regret being an only child. When she was a kid, her parents had spoiled her to no end and bought her everything she wanted. As she grew older, however, she found it increasingly difficult to be the sole focus of their attention. When she screwed up, she had no one to blame but herself, which made her parents’ disappointment even more painful to deal with. Each time one of them gave her a classic “How could you” look, she longed for a brother or sister with whom she could commiserate.
“Are you still in contact with the other women you served with?” she asked.
“Most of them, yes.”
“Why did you and Robinson lose touch?” Jordan couldn’t imagine severing ties with someone who obviously meant so much.
“When I got back to the States, I followed the war’s progress for a while, but life eventually got in the way. Your mother came along, and you know how needy she can be.”
“Tell me about it. And if you say, ‘Like mother, like daughter,’ I’ll smack you.”
“My lips are sealed.”
“I hope not. I’m enjoying hearing about your adventures in Vietnam.” Jordan turned on the windshield wipers as she drove into a rain shower that had seemingly sprung up out of nowhere. “Looking at the map, Jekyll Island doesn’t seem very big. Robinson shouldn’t be too hard to find. Where did she used to live?”
“Her family had a house on the south end of the island, but I don’t know if she or it is still there.”
“You haven’t Googled her or looked her up on Facebook?”
Grandma Meredith pursed her lips. “People of my generation prefer the phone book to Facebook.”
“I will drag you into the twenty-first century if it kills me. Did you find a listing for her in your obsolete resource?”
“The number I had for her is disconnected and her new one is unpublished.”
“Amateur. Give me five minutes on a computer with a good WiFi connection and I’ll find her for you.” Jordan glanced at a sign that said Jekyll Island was seventy miles away. So close. One more hour and they’d be there. She couldn’t wait for the interminable drive from Wisconsin to end, but she wanted Grandma Meredith’s story to go on forever. “Robinson really had the hots for you, didn’t she?”
“I wouldn’t put it that way.”
“How else would you put it? Would you prefer if I said she had feelings for you instead? Same difference. She flat out told you she was attracted to you and she gave yo
u a foot massage when you wore the wrong shoes on your date with Papa George. A foot massage. Do you know what an intimate gesture that is?”
“You forget I used to give sponge baths to complete strangers.”
“True that. If the stranger was hot enough, I’d whip out my little sponge and a bar of soap in a heartbeat. Feet are different, though. Feet are icky. I can barely bring myself to touch my own. As for someone else’s, forget about it.”
“Then I guess you aren’t planning on changing your major to podiatry any time soon.”
“Ha, ha.”
Jordan had changed her major three times before she finally declared what she hoped would be the one that stuck. She still had a chance to graduate on time, but senior year wasn’t going to be pretty. Perhaps she should forget about working this summer. She needed to have some fun before she spent the next nine months stuck in class all day and studying in the library at night. She could use the money, but she could use a few good laughs, too. If she was lucky, maybe she, like Grandma Meredith, would have a night to remember forty years after the fact.
“Man, I wish I could have seen the look on Robinson’s face when you walked in Suzy’s all big and bad like you owned the place. Talk about jaw-dropping.”
The first time she had ventured into a gay bar, she had been intimidated by people who were so much more comfortable with themselves than she was at the time. By the end of the night, however, she had been overwhelmed by the acceptance of strangers who had been so willing to welcome her as one of their own.
“My entrance was hardly worthy of accolades. You’ve been watching too many romantic comedies.”
“No, I haven’t. I’ve been listening to yours. Though I guess it’s less of a romance than an epic drama with moments of comic relief. What’s it like to star in your own version of From Here to Eternity?”
“Not as fun as it sounds. I didn’t see Montgomery Clift or Burt Lancaster running around anywhere.”
“Forget them. Give me Deborah Kerr or Donna Reed instead.”
They shared a laugh, but the sound quickly died in Jordan’s throat. She rubbed her chest with the heel of her hand. The more distance she put between herself and Brittany, the more her heart ached. A girl she cared about and thought she loved had dumped her with an explanation that had provided more questions than answers.
She tried to tell herself she was upset now simply because the hottest chick on campus was no longer in her bed, but the attempt at levity made her think Brittany’s crack about her being shallow might be more accurate than she cared to admit.
She was not her family. Yes, Grandma Meredith and Papa George had served, but she had no desire to follow their lead. Yet she couldn’t deny she loved hearing Grandma Meredith recount her experiences during the war. Did that make her a hypocrite? Did it mean Brittany was right? Was she running away from who she was by pretending to be someone she wasn’t? Was she a lemming mindlessly following the herd, or was she acting of her own free will?
She felt like Grandma Meredith when she was laid up in the infirmary. All she could do was think. And she didn’t like the places her mind was going.
She regarded her reflection in the rearview mirror. There was only one way out of the funk she was in, and it didn’t involve reading a self-help book or wallowing in self-pity. She needed to replace one hot chick with another. If she found a willing beach bunny to pass the time this summer, all her problems would be solved. Or at least temporarily forgotten.
If she had to choose between forgetting and facing the facts, she’d choose forgetting every time.
Chapter Six
September 29, 1967
Long Binh Post
Robinson slipped into the back of the theater near the end of a Bugs Bunny cartoon. Meredith spotted her while Bugs was complaining about making yet another wrong turn at Albuquerque. The movie was about to start, and the theater was filling up fast. Seats were at a premium. Standing alone in the semi-darkness while everyone else huddled with friends, Robinson scanned the crowded room for a place to sit.
Meredith watched Robinson take on her current mission the way she did the ones that were much more serious—with her usual intensity. Her jaw was set, her posture was perfect, and her eyes were so bright they were like a twin set of spotlights shining in the dark.
Robinson’s eyes were like napalm. Meredith felt like her skin was on fire every time Robinson turned those eyes in her direction. She had never felt anything like it. She wanted to embrace it. She wanted to run away from it. Instead, she had chosen to ignore it. How much longer could she go on pretending Robinson was nothing more than a colleague and trusted friend?
“Shove over.” Lois nudged Meredith with her hip, trying to get her to take up as much space as possible. “I don’t want her sitting next to us.”
Meredith’s first instinct was to comply with Lois’s request, but she resisted. She and Robinson had been on separate shifts for weeks. They had seen each other only a handful of times since they’d arrived in Long Binh, and hadn’t spent any real time together since she’d been released from the infirmary. Meredith had missed her. She hadn’t realized how much until now.
She whistled sharply to get Robinson’s attention. Robinson’s head whipped around as if an alarm had sounded and she needed to get to the air strip to offload wounded soldiers from an incoming chopper. Meredith made room on the narrow wooden bench and waved her over. Robinson nodded and began to walk toward her.
Lois elbowed her in the ribs. “What are you doing?” she asked in a fierce whisper.
“George has guard duty tonight and you’re going to sneak out to meet Steve in the armory as soon as the movie starts. I don’t want to sit by myself for two hours like a knot on a log if I don’t have to.”
“But what will people say if they see us fraternizing with her?”
“Who’s going to say anything? The only person doing any talking is you.”
Lois looked at her, examining her face. Then her own face twisted into a mask of contempt. “I don’t know what George sees in you.” Lois bolted out of her seat and looked down at her. “You don’t want to cross me, Meredith.” Her tone was ominous. So were her words. “I could make life very difficult for you and your girlfriend.” She brushed past. When she reached the aisle, she gave Robinson a wide berth. “You can have my seat,” she said icily. “I was just leaving.” She turned to give Meredith a pointed look before she stalked up the aisle.
Robinson squeezed into the space Lois had vacated. “Is she off to get nekkid with Steve in their love nest in the armory?” she asked, her accent thicker than ever.
“How did you know about them getting naked?”
Robinson smiled at her as if she were a child who had just made an adorable mistake. “Get it right, Goldilocks. When you’re naked, you don’t have any clothes on. When you’re nekkid, you don’t have any clothes on and you’re up to something. Those two are definitely up to something.”
“Yes, but how did you know? Lois hasn’t told anyone what she and Steve are up to except the women in our hooch. We can’t afford to keep secrets from each other because we’ve all had to cover for each other from time to time.”
“Did you tell her where you were the night the Regency was bombed in Saigon?”
“Of course not.”
“Then you obviously know how to keep a secret. You should tell Lois to try harder to keep hers. This base is like a small town where everyone knows everyone else’s business. Gossip travels fast.”
“Point taken,” Meredith said.
Lois hadn’t had anything derogatory to say about her for a while now, but Meredith hadn’t given her a reason. She and George had been officially a couple since their adventurous first date in Saigon. They hadn’t shared more than a few chaste kisses since that night, but unless you were willing to settle for any hovel with a flat surface and a door that locked, it was hard to find a place or a time to get romantic.
“Lois and Steve are going at it like
rabbits,” Robinson said. “If she doesn’t end up pregnant before the end of her tour, I’ll eat my hat.”
“Maybe Steve is shooting blanks. Have you considered that?”
“I try to consider him as little as possible, but I don’t think he can say the same about me.”
Meredith heard a trace of bitterness in Robinson’s voice.
“What do you mean?”
Robinson looked around the room, silently reminding her they were surrounded by hundreds of people. “I’ll tell you later.” Even though they were whispering, at least a dozen people were close enough to hear what they were saying.
Meredith replayed parts of their conversation in her head to see if either of them had said anything incriminating. She felt privileged to be one of the few people aware of Robinson’s secret. The trust Robinson had placed in her felt one-sided, however. Robinson had allowed her to be privy to something she kept hidden from most of the world, but she hadn’t returned the favor. How could she when parts of her remained a mystery even to herself? She had never been fond of self-examination—for the past few years, she had always been too busy earning her nursing degree or putting it to use—but being around Robinson made her want to find responses to all the questions she had left unanswered. To give voice to the ones she had left unasked.
“Do you want to go for a swim after this is over?” she asked. The average temperature in South Vietnam was eighty degrees year-round, which made the pool a popular destination. She wanted to cool off, even if relief would only prove temporary. And, most of all, she wanted to spend some time with Robinson away from prying eyes and eager ears.
Robinson gripped the bench with both hands and stared at her feet as if she needed to weigh her decision carefully. Meredith could almost hear her thoughts. How would it look if she and Meredith went away together? Would anyone notice? If they did, what would they say?
Meredith wished she didn’t care what other people thought, but she couldn’t afford not to. She had joined the Army to escape the bonds of her provincial hometown. When she returned—if she returned—she wanted it to be on her own terms. A dishonorable discharge didn’t fit into her plans. Neither did her friendship with Natalie Robinson. But plans, like a woman’s mind, were meant to be changed.
The War Within Page 10
