It had to be someone who could move about the country without raising suspicion and whose correspondence with Natalie wouldn’t draw the attention of anyone in the mail room. She could think of only two people who fit both categories. One was Kerry. The other was Helen Cummings.
“Is Natalie seeing Helen?” Kerry looked momentarily stunned. “She is, isn’t she?”
“I’ve already opened my big mouth once. I’m not going to comment any further on the subject.” Cradling her mug of beer, Kerry leaned back in her chair. “Besides, you should be having this conversation with Robbie, not with me.”
Meredith felt a knot form in the pit of her stomach. Her initial suspicions about Natalie and Helen had apparently been confirmed. When Helen visited Long Binh two months ago, she had piqued Natalie’s interest and, perhaps, captured her heart.
Meredith didn’t know how she was supposed to feel. She wanted to share Natalie’s happiness, but she could sense only her own unease. Conflicting emotions warred within her.
She wanted to know why Natalie hadn’t said anything about her liaison with Helen. She had been open about her relationship with George. The least Natalie could have done was return the favor. Did Natalie think she wouldn’t be supportive? Did she think she wouldn’t understand? Or was she trying to spare her feelings?
“If you have feelings for her,” Kerry said, lowering her voice until it was barely audible, “I suggest you tell her sooner rather than later. Who knows? You might already be too late. Helen’s had two months to lay groundwork while you’ve been trying to make up your mind about who you want to be with.”
Meredith shivered involuntarily. Fear made her feel cold despite the hot sun beating down on her face and arms. She was afraid of losing Natalie’s friendship. Afraid of losing her love. Had fear cost her the kind of happiness she had always dreamed about but hadn’t been able to attain?
She examined her heart as she stared into the depths of her drink. She allowed the emotions she had tried to suppress have their way. She needed to be honest. With Natalie and with herself. She wasn’t happy for Natalie because she was jealous of Helen. She wanted to be the woman Natalie was seeing. She wanted to be the one Natalie held in her arms. The one who captured her attention. The one with whom she shared her hopes and dreams. She wanted all these things, but none of them were possible unless she gave up the life she knew for one she had never imagined for herself.
The sound of rotors chopping the air drowned out the sounds of the singing airmen and the rock music blaring from the tinny handheld radio dangling from a metal chain around a tipsy sailor’s neck. When the men craned their necks upward, Meredith followed suit. She spotted four helicopters flying in a tight, controlled pattern. Her heart sank when she saw a large red cross on a white background painted on each of the birds’ noses, identifying them as medical evac vehicles.
Each chopper probably contained at least three wounded men. More if their conditions weren’t critical. Either way, the base hospital was about to receive several new patients.
The men grew quiet, undoubtedly placing themselves in their injured comrades’ shoes. One tossed a half-eaten hamburger at the passed-out sailor, who came to with a jerk.
“What’s going on?”
“Wake up and turn that shit off.” The burger tosser pointed to the sky. “Those are our guys up there. Show some respect.”
The sailor twisted the radio’s power button, bringing the latest anti-Vietnam protest song from Country Joe and the Fish to an abrupt end. The only sounds that remained were produced by the heavy traffic on the street and in the sky.
Meredith watched the helicopters continue their slow, almost stately progress. She hoped there were enough nurses on duty at the base to handle the incoming onslaught. In Long Binh, they were occasionally forced to grab anyone they could find to sit with the expectants so the nurses could be free to assist in the treatment of patients with better prognoses. Nurses were accustomed to the carnage they saw every day. Personnel conscripted from other parts of the base weren’t. She feared some might end up with lingering emotional trauma. Were others about to become similarly afflicted?
Kerry touched her arm. “You’re on R&R, Mer. Take a load off. Let someone else handle this one.”
“I can’t put the war behind me when the opposing sides are fighting just a few miles away.” She looked up at the mountains and hills that were keeping her from seeing the struggle firsthand. “How did you know what I was thinking?”
“You and Robbie get a distinctive look in your eye when you think about work. It’s as if a light goes on. Your face—your whole body—changes. You look like you could conquer the world or heal everyone in it, probably at the same time. I consider myself lucky to have met you both.”
“I feel the same way about you and Natalie. I think it’s fair to say I’ve never met anyone quite like either of you.”
“Lesbians, you mean?” Kerry asked with a smile. She mouthed the word some seemed to find offensive.
“No. Women who aren’t afraid to stand up for what they believe in, no matter how many people might stand in opposition.”
“Is that what I was doing?” Kerry downed the rest of her beer. “I thought I was living my life and having a few laughs along the way.”
Meredith remembered a similar statement Natalie had made a few months earlier. If I live my life in fear, I’m not really living, am I?
“You and Natalie are certainly cut from the same cloth.”
“Two peas in pod. Isn’t that what you Yanks say?” Kerry glanced at the GIs, who were becoming increasingly agitated. A few were muttering something about rounding up as many VC as they could find and showing them what was good for them. Kerry tossed a few bills on the table to cover the cost of their drinks and the waitress’s tip. “I think my fellow pea will have my arse if I don’t get you back to your hotel ASAP. It’s about to get wild out here.” She signaled for a cab, finally managing to flag one down after several unsuccessful attempts. “Are you all right?” she asked as the driver headed for the Majestic. “You seem quiet.”
“I feel like I should be doing something besides sitting here twiddling my thumbs.”
“I know you want to go to the base, but you can’t. You’ve got orders. You’re supposed to be on R&R, not volunteering for extra duty. I doubt the guards at the gate would let you in, despite your good intentions.”
“Men are fighting and dying all across this country. Their bravery makes me feel like a coward.”
“Cowards don’t go into the bush armed with nothing more than a bag of tongue depressors. You aren’t a coward, Mer. You’re a hero.”
Meredith couldn’t bring herself to speak the words that might lower Kerry’s high opinion of her. Heroes weren’t afraid to tell the people they loved how they felt about them. Heroes overcame their fears; they didn’t give in to them. She was no hero.
After the cab dropped her off at her hotel, Meredith rode the elevator to her floor and stared at Natalie’s closed door, wondering what was happening on the other side. She wanted to let Natalie know she had made it back safely, but she didn’t dare interrupt. She didn’t want to catch Natalie in the act—or see the look of soul-deep satisfaction the act had surely produced.
She entered her own room and, after a forgettable room service dinner she barely touched, fell into a fitful sleep. She was serenaded—tormented, really—by the sounds of voices and laughter coming from Natalie’s room. She was awakened by much different sounds. The sounds of heavy fists pounding on a door. She sat up in bed and squinted against the bright light steaming through a crack in the curtains she had neglected to completely close.
“Tick tock, Robinson. Your time has finally come.”
The voice, though muffled, was instantly recognizable. It was Steve Johansson’s voice. But what the hell was he doing here in Vũng Tàu at—she peered at the clock next to the bed. Seven in the morning?
“Open up, Robinson. It’s time to face the music.”
>
Suddenly, Meredith knew exactly why Steve was here. He was hoping to witness what she hadn’t wanted to see: Natalie and Helen in a compromising position.
She climbed out of bed, threw on her robe, and opened her door. Steve and three MPs were standing in the hall. Their crisp uniforms smelled of starch and authority.
“Ah, Meredith,” Steve said with a reptilian smile. “You’re just in time for the show. You can watch while I arrest your friend.”
Meredith tightened the belt of her robe. She didn’t want to watch, but she couldn’t turn away.
Steve banged on Natalie’s door again. “Last chance, Robinson. If you don’t open this door, we’ll let ourselves in and the hotel will stick you for the cost of the repairs. You’ve got three seconds. One. Two.”
Natalie opened the door and leaned against the jamb. “I thought I’d save you the trouble of trying to guess what comes after two.”
Meredith admired her feistiness, but doubted provoking Steve was the wisest option to take under the circumstances. He was clearly determined to make the task he had been assigned as miserable as possible for her. Making him angry would only increase her despair—and his obvious delight.
“You know why we’re here, so step aside and let us do our job.”
Natalie folded her arms defiantly. “Not until you tell me what you hope to find.”
Meredith thought Natalie was stalling for time so Helen could escape out the window—until she remembered they were seven stories up and Helen had nowhere to go. Stalling wouldn’t solve the situation, only delay its inevitable outcome.
“Do you really want me to spell it out in front of so many witnesses?” Steve indicated the hotel guests who had begun to poke their heads out of their rooms to see what was going on. “We’ve received reports you’ve been fraternizing with a female civilian in direct violation of Army policy against such relationships.”
“I didn’t know the Army had a policy against civilians.”
The onlookers laughed and Steve’s face turned bright red. He trembled with barely-controlled fury. Yet Natalie seemed to be enjoying herself. Her military career was about to end in humiliating fashion and she was smiling about it? Steve had the ammunition he had sought for months. He had Natalie, he had Helen, and if he searched the room, he’d find the love letter in Natalie’s duffel. He had finally won, yet Natalie was acting like the victor.
Meredith felt like she was missing something. She moved closer, but one of the MPs held out an arm, warning her to stay back.
“I’m trying to be civil, Robinson,” Steve said. “Tell your visitor to come out here so we can get this over with.”
Natalie finally stepped aside. “Feel free to look, but I don’t think you’ll find what you’re looking for.”
“I’ll be the judge of that.”
Steve and one of his fellow MPs rushed into the room. The other two remained in the hall with Natalie to make sure she didn’t make a run for it. Each held her by the arm as if she were already under arrest.
Meredith wondered if she should call someone. Lt. Col. Daniels was the first person she thought of, but the LTC was both too far away and too low on the chain of command to stop what had already been set in motion.
Meredith heard the tinkle of glass breaking, followed by a series of bangs, crashes, and thuds. Helen seemed to be putting up quite a struggle. Several minutes later, however, Steve came out of the room empty-handed.
“Where is she?”
“Where is who?”
“The woman who left these behind.” Steve brandished an overflowing ashtray. “You don’t smoke.” He held up a lipstick-smeared cigarette butt. “And this isn’t your shade.”
“I didn’t take you for an expert on women’s cosmetics.”
Meredith whirled when she heard Helen’s distinctive voice. Unlike Natalie, who was still in her nightgown, Helen was fully dressed. She was wearing her usual uniform. Cargo pants, safari jacket, and an open-collared shirt. Her trademark fedora was firmly in place. She held a cup of coffee in one hand and an omnipresent cigarette in the other. She blew out a trail of smoke and extinguished her cigarette in the ashtray Steve was holding.
“Thank you. Private Johnson, is it?”
“It’s Johansson. Sgt. Johansson.” Steve turned to show her the stripes on his uniform sleeve.
Helen bowed slightly. “I stand corrected.”
“Are you Helen Cummings?” he asked.
“I am.”
He held up the ashtray. “Are these your cigarettes?”
“They are.”
Steve looked smug as he pointed at Natalie. “And do you know this woman?”
“You know I do. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have asked the question. This exercise is proving quite tiresome, Sergeant. Shall we skip to the point so Private Robinson can get dressed and we can conclude the interview we began yesterday?”
“Interview?”
“My dear boy.” Helen patted Steve’s cheek. “If you know who I am, you must also know what I do for a living.” She flashed her press credentials. “My readers are very interested in this war and the men and women who are fighting it. Private Robinson is one of those women, and you are preventing me from procuring the information I need to tell her story to the masses. Or would you prefer I told a different story? One about how certain members of our proud military would rather go after one of their own than the enemy.”
She raised her camera and snapped a few quick shots. The MPs covered their faces with one hand and their names with the other. Then they began to scatter like cockroaches after a light comes on.
“We’re out of here, Sarge,” one of them said. “Tell your girlfriend to get better intel next time.”
Lois. Meredith wasn’t surprised to hear she’d had a hand in this.
Even though he had obviously lost the latest battle in his and Natalie’s never-ending war, Steve refused to accept defeat. “Tick tock, Robinson.” He shoved the ashtray into her gut, but she didn’t even flinch.
“Check your watch, Johansson, because I think it might be broken.”
Steve walked away like a schoolyard bully who had finally had the tables turned on him, but Meredith knew he’d be back. He would keep coming until he finally had his way. As long as he was around, Natalie would never be safe.
“I owe you one,” Natalie said after Steve had left and the guests had returned to their rooms.
“What you owe me,” Helen said, “is an interview. Get dressed. I’ll meet you by the pool in twenty minutes.”
Natalie peeked into her room. “You’d better make it an hour. Johansson left me a mess to clean up.”
“Leave it for the maid. It’ll give her something else to do besides scrubbing cum stains out of the sheets.” Helen reached into her jacket and pulled out a stack of letters tied together with a piece of twine. The letters were identical to the one Meredith had seen earlier. The one Lois had intercepted and tried to use against its recipient. “Do you want these back?”
“Why don’t you hold on to them for a while? I’ll get them back from you when the war’s over.”
“Whenever that is.” Helen returned the letters to their hiding place. “See you in twenty minutes.”
“Sixty.”
“Who’s counting?”
“Thank you, Helen.”
Helen patted the letters in her pocket as if to assure herself they were still there. “It was not only a pleasure, but an honor.” Her normally booming voice was uncharacteristically quiet. “See you downstairs.”
After Helen left, Meredith felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room. She and Natalie were caught in a vacuum. She struggled to breathe.
“Did Kerry show you a good time yesterday?” Natalie asked.
Meredith followed her into her room and closed the door. “I almost lost you just now and you want to talk about sightseeing?” She picked up a pillow that had found its way to the floor. When she tossed the pillow on the bed, she took note of the
rumpled sheets. Had they been that way before Steve searched the room or after? Had Natalie and Helen made them that way or had Steve taken out his fury on everything he could find because of the one thing he couldn’t?
Natalie stooped to pick up an overturned chair. “Let’s go over the list of possible subjects. Would you like to talk about the fact that Johansson is trying to get me tossed out of the Army, and someone else who’s supposed to be on my side is all too happy to help him? Would you like to talk about the battle less than ten clicks from here that resulted in scores of wounded and fifteen KIA yesterday?”
Meredith could still see the helicopters flying overhead. See the faces of the men as they watched them pass.
“Would you like to talk about the bombing that cost two of my best friends their lives?”
Meredith thought of Charlie and U’ilani. Their happiness had inspired her to seek it for herself. Now they were gone.
“Or would you rather talk about the fact that I had a brave, beautiful, and incredibly sexy woman in my bed yesterday and nothing happened because all I could think about was you?”
“You didn’t sleep with her?”
“How could I when the woman I really wanted was right next door? Do you have any idea how much I love you, Meredith?” Natalie’s question sounded like a wail of despair. “You couldn’t possibly. Because if you did, you wouldn’t have to ask me what I want to talk about.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—”
Meredith reached for her, but Natalie pulled away.
“Has George asked you to marry him yet?”
Meredith was thrown by the sudden conversational shift. “What? No.”
“He will.”
“How do you know?”
“He told me so.”
“George and I have talked about marriage as a possibility, but nothing in this world is certain. Did he tell you he wanted to marry me?”
“He wanted to be sure I wouldn’t stand in his way. And I won’t. Because, in the end, he and I want the same thing—for you to be happy. As much as I want to, I can’t make you happy, Meredith. Not because I’m not capable, but because you won’t let me show you how much we could accomplish together. What we’ve done here is a fraction of what we could do if we set our minds and our hearts to it, but you’re too afraid of what everyone would think to allow yourself the happiness you deserve. The happiness you want to have, not what you’re expected to settle for.”
The War Within Page 15
