by Blair Grey
“Do you really think he’s going to fight Marcus about dating you, though?” Rachel asked. “Or are you just telling yourself that he will because it gives you an easy excuse to stop going out with Marcus?”
I shook my head. “It’s not that,” I told her. “You remember Bobby, right?”
“Of course I remember Bobby,” Rachel said, rolling her eyes. Because we’d been best friends forever, and she knew all the fucked-up shit from my childhood.
“I called him to talk to him about this. About the fact that Marcus is in Red Eyes.” I lowered my voice, even though there was no one around to hear me. “Apparently Dad is trying to move in on Red Eyes territory. And he screwed them over in the past, too, so there’s potential for a pretty serious fight to break out. I can’t get caught in the middle of that.”
I could feel tears prick the corners of my eyes, and I looked away, wiping at my cheeks. Rachel looked surprised. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this upset before,” she remarked. “You must really like Marcus, huh?”
“It’s not just that,” I said miserably. “I’m pregnant.” It was only a matter of time before she found out. She had been through all of this before; not only was there no point in keeping it a secret from her, but she would undoubtedly be able to figure out what all of my various symptoms meant when taken together.
And without Marcus by my side, because I wouldn’t have Marcus by my side, I was going to have to rely on her to help me through this. I felt like I was asking too much from her, even though she had told me she would be there when I was talking about artificial insemination.
I had no choice but to tell her. I had to tell someone.
“Oh, honey,” Rachel said, reaching out and covering my hand with hers. “That’s good news, isn’t it? The artificial insemination worked?”
“No, it didn’t,” I said, shaking my head. I took a deep breath. “When I went into my appointment the other day, they said that we couldn’t go through with the process because I was already pregnant. I mean, at first, they told me that everything was fine, that I would go through with the whole thing that afternoon. That was when I called you and asked if you could get lunch with me, remember? But when I went back in there, they said there had been some sort of mix-up, and they had tested the wrong batch of blood at first. And somewhere between the first tests and the final tests, I got pregnant.”
Rachel stared at me for a long moment, and I could practically see the gears turning in her head. “Marcus’s?” she finally asked.
“Yeah,” I said shortly.
Rachel tried a joke. “Well, if they had a bit of a mix-up with your blood tests, aren’t you glad you didn’t go through with the insemination process?” she asked. “Who knows what kind of baby you might have ended up with! He could have been an alien, for all they might have known.”
I wished I could laugh, but I barely managed a smile. “I just don’t know what to do now,” I said. “Do I keep it? I mean, of course, I keep it; I couldn’t bear to get rid of it. But what do I do after that?”
It was such a stupid oversight on my part, but in all the times I had imagined having children, I had pictured just that: having children. I hadn’t really thought through the logistics of the pregnancy. Nine months of anticipation. Nine months of worry. And I certainly hadn’t thought through the scenario with the baby’s dad lurking there somewhere just off the wings.
Even if things were shit between Marcus and me, even if they remained shit and we never managed to reconcile, he would still be there in Las Cruces. I might run into him at any time when I was out grocery shopping or running to the bank. He might come into the hospital while I was working, or he might see me and the little one on the way to daycare.
Would our baby look like him, or would its looks be all mine? If I didn’t tell him, would he be able to tell that the child was his?
But for all of the wondering and worrying that I did, the fact of the matter was that I wanted to tell Marcus about the baby. I didn’t feel like it was fair to keep the baby from him. Not only that, but I wasn’t entirely ready to give Marcus up. Not just yet.
Maybe not ever. Maybe I was falling in love with him.
I didn’t have any illusions about what would happen when I told him. I knew there was a chance that he would still reject me, that he wouldn’t want anything to do with the kid. But at least I would have tried. Otherwise, I would spend the rest of my life wondering if I had deprived my child of a healthy, loving relationship with its father.
Because I was starting to realize that no matter what my worries were, no matter how similar Marcus’s path in life might be to my father’s, they were two very different guys. And one of these days, I was pretty sure that Marcus would make an amazing father.
“Not to pester you, but did you tell Marcus already?” Rachel asked gently, as though she was reading my thoughts. Then again, I supposed it was only natural that she asked. Especially after he’d been so negative when I’d told him about the artificial insemination plan. She’d want to know how he was handling the news.
She’d be hoping that the two of us were going to work it out and stay together. She’d be hoping that we were going to be that fairy-tale family, the one she’d always hoped I’d find.
I didn’t dare to hope, not like that.
I shook my head. “I was just about to tell him when my dad showed up at the diner,” I told her. “And then it all went to hell.” Even though I’d gone crying over to her place right afterward, I had barely told her anything. I hadn’t been in any state to tell her about my impending motherhood. All I had told her was that my dad was back in town, that Marcus was part of Red Eyes, and that I could never see him again.
And that I was pretty sure I loved Marcus. But I’d been pretty upset at the time, and I wasn’t sure that that declaration really counted. Not that I didn’t feel it, just… Oh, I didn’t even know anymore.
I didn’t know what I wanted.
“Yikes,” Rachel said, shaking her head. “That really is a mess.”
“Yeah, a huge one,” I said. I sniffled. “Marcus doesn’t even want to have a kid with me.”
“You don’t know that for sure,” Rachel said. “If he knew that it was his kid, he might think differently.”
“What if he doesn’t, though?”
“Then I’m still here for you, either way,” Rachel said firmly.
I was quiet for a minute. “You know how horrible my father was,” I whispered. “He left my mom and me for the MC. And then he apparently screwed them over. And when Mom died, he could barely take care of us. He was drunk or out of the state most of the time. That’s why Bobby…” My voice choked off, and I swallowed hard.
“Marcus wouldn’t be like that, no way,” Rachel said. “I saw him with Gavin, remember?”
“Yeah, but even if he’s not like that, what if he expects my kid, our kid, to join Red Eyes? I don’t want to bring a child into that kind of life.”
“I know you don’t,” Rachel said. “And I don’t blame you for that. But I still think you need to talk to Marcus about all of this. Maybe he wouldn’t want your kid to be involved in a motorcycle club, either. You said that he’s smart, right? That he has a couple degrees? Bet you didn’t think to ask him why he’s involved in Red Eyes to begin with.”
I sighed and shook my head. “You don’t know that kind of guy,” I told Rachel. She knew so much about my story, but she hadn’t grown up with the idiots hanging around her house. No, she’d had a nice, normal upbringing with a loving family. She didn’t understand what it was like when those guys were your whole family.
I was sure that Marcus would have no choice but to be part of Red Eyes until he died. And if he knew about this baby, this baby would have to be part of the club, too. Unless, lucky child, it was born a girl. If it was a girl, she might have some say in what she did with her future.
But even then, I remembered what it had been like, growing up with the men’s club all around me. I shudde
red just thinking about it. I couldn’t bring a child into a life like that.
Just then, my pager started going off. I sighed, throwing my fork down. “I’m at dinner,” I grumbled, even though I knew they wouldn’t be calling me unless they absolutely needed me. Some sort of bad accident, probably. All hands on deck.
“I’ll hang out down here for a bit,” Rachel promised. “If you get a chance, come back down, and we can finish eating. If not, I know where your staff room is. I’ll label the leftovers for you, and you can eat whenever you get a chance. You’re not on for the whole night, are you?”
“Just a partial shift,” I told her. “And then back at it tomorrow afternoon.”
“Call me if you need anything,” Rachel said, standing up so that she could give me a quick hug before I dashed off.
“Thanks,” I said sincerely. She was always there for me, no matter what I had going on, and I loved her for that.
“And start thinking about cutting back on your hours!” Rachel said in a low voice. “You’re going to be a mom soon!”
That got a laugh out of me. I shook my head. “Not for nine months. If I’m lucky.”
“That’ll be here in no time,” Rachel said, winking at me.
I wished I could stay down there with her, but my pager was buzzing again. I raced back to work.
“What’s going on?” I asked when I made it back upstairs. One of the other nurses caught my arm, spinning me around and leading me down the hall.
“You had worked on him before, and I’m pretty sure he’s the guy who’s been in here to see you a couple times,” she babbled as she led me down the hall.
That was all she needed to say before I realized just who I would see behind those doors. I felt my heart sink, and for a moment, I wanted to protest that I couldn’t do this. But I needed to see him. I needed to make sure he was okay.
I took a deep breath and walked through the doors. Sure enough, there was Marcus. He had been beaten to within an inch of his life. I sank toward the floor, my knees giving out beneath me.
35
Marcus
Sunday
Ouch. I stared up at the ceiling, trying to figure out where the hell I even was. It wasn’t home. No, this was far too clinical for that. It wasn’t the clubhouse, either, even though the place hadn’t exactly felt homely since the Unknowns had ransacked it. I tried to remember what the last thing to happen to me had been. But I kept coming up blank. I didn’t even know what day it was. I just knew that I hurt from head to toe.
And that there was some incessant chirping noise coming from my left. Some machine.
I managed to turn my head to the side just enough that I could see the thing. Hospital. I was in the hospital. That was the only explanation for all the sterile white and the tubes sticking out of my arm.
I felt like I was going to be sick. How the hell did I end up here?
Leila was the first person I thought of. Oh god, had she been out with me when all of this had happened? Whatever it was that had happened? I remembered bits and pieces of my week. That Lex was Leila’s father. Had he done this?
And then Ray showed up, standing over me, and it all came back. I tried to grin, but I ended up grimacing as pain shot through my face. “Hey, Ray,” I rasped.
“You sound like shit,” Ray said, folding his arms across his chest. “You look like shit, too.”
“Go figure,” I muttered. “I feel like shit, too.”
Ray grunted. “Well, you look better than you did yesterday, that’s for sure.”
“Yesterday?” I asked in surprise. “What day is it? How long have I been in here?” As my heart rate spiked up, the monitor next to me began to chirp even faster.
Ray glanced at it for a moment. “If you don’t calm down, they’re going to sedate you again,” he said. “And I think Leila will cry if she misses you being awake again.”
It was enough of a warning. I took a few deep breaths, forcing myself to calm down. It was never pleasant, waking up in a hospital. It hadn’t happened to me many times in the past, but there had been a couple of incidences.
“That’s it,” Ray said approvingly. He dragged a chair closer with his toe and sat back in it, looking for all the world like this was just a casual visit, like he did this all the time. I knew he was just trying to keep me calm, but I couldn’t help feeling nervous. How long have I been in here?
“In answer to your question, it’s Sunday,” Ray finally told me. “You’ve only been in here for a couple nights. You were fucking lucky, all things considered.”
I breathed out a sigh of relief. But then, I frowned. “And Leila’s been to see me?”
“She was on duty when they brought you in.” Ray shook his head. “You apparently gave her a pretty bad fright.”
I looked away from him, trying to figure out how I felt about that. I knew that Leila and I hadn’t left things on the best of terms. And I remembered wanting to fix that. But right now, I could hardly sort out my emotions. I must be on some pretty powerful painkillers.
“You are,” Ray said, sounding amused, and I realized that I had spoken out loud. “But your plan worked.”
“My plan?” I asked blankly. Ray stared at me for a long moment, looking worried, and I finally started laughing. And then, I started coughing. “Motherfucker,” I said when I managed to breathe again.
“You asshole,” Ray said. He paused and cleared his throat, looking away. “We really were worried about you, kid,” he said. “I don’t know what happened in that clubhouse, but they really got you good.”
“Yeah,” I sighed, thinking back to Friday. It felt like that had all happened forever ago, but I supposed being knocked out for the better part of two days would do that.
Things had worked out just like I’d meant for them to. I’d found the back entrance into the Unknowns’ hidey-hole weeks ago. Because there had to be a back entrance to the place. As I’d watched them, I’d started realizing that they weren’t all coming out the front entrance, especially not after I had attacked that guy that one time.
The back entrance had been pretty easy to get in through. There wasn’t much security. Not even a lock. Sure, I’d had to get over a fence to get in there, but it wasn’t that difficult. I guess they figured no one knew about it. Or maybe they were just stupid.
So one evening, I crept in through the back entrance with a bag full of drugs that I had bought off Braxton. Just because the club wasn’t mixed up in drug trafficking, it didn’t mean that certain members didn’t have access.
I slipped into the Unknowns’ hideout, and I hid the drugs in strategic places. The kinds of places that one would think to look for them if they thought there were going to be drugs in there. But not too obvious, either. This had to be believable. I had to make sure that people would really believe the Unknowns had brought all of this in. My job couldn’t seem rushed. It couldn’t seem like I had panicked and just left them out in the open. That wouldn’t be realistic.
I planted the drugs around the building, and then I called the sheriff.
He hadn’t believed me at first. He’d recognized my voice and told me to quit fucking around and wasting his time. But I’d insisted that he come over here and check it out. Told him that I was working both sides and that maybe, just maybe, we could work out a deal between us.
That was all that it took.
“What happened at the clubhouse that night?” Ray asked quietly. “This wasn’t part of the plan.”
“I know,” I said. I shrugged and winced at how much that small movement hurt. “I planted the drugs just like we talked about, and I convinced the sheriff and his guys to come over. I assume that all worked. But I must have tripped something because on my way out, I ran into Lex and a bunch of his goonies.” I paused. “It was stupid. I should have just let it go. But I told him that I was in love with Leila and that I was going to take him out of the picture.”
Ray snorted. “For a guy with brains, sometimes you really are an idiot.”
I grinned crookedly up at the ceiling. “I know,” I said. “But I really couldn’t help it. That was when they all went apeshit, though. Started beating the crap out of me. I guess that’s probably about when the sheriff and all them arrived.”
“That answers a couple questions, at least,” Ray mused. “The sheriff’s been by to see you twice. I think he wants to make sure you’re still going to talk. He won’t say a word to me, but he’s definitely been very interested in you.”
I snorted. “I’m not gonna two-time you, Ray, don’t worry.” I peered over at him. “But they got those fucking Unknowns, right?”
“They did, last I heard,” Ray confirmed. “A whole bunch of them, on felony drug-trafficking charges. We’ll see if it sticks in court or not, but it sounds pretty promising.”
“Good,” I said. My eyes fell shut, and I contemplated going back to sleep. But even though my body was exhausted and needed its rest, my brain was flying through ten thousand things per second.
I couldn’t stop thinking about Leila. I remembered what Ray had said before, that I had given her a scare when I’d shown up here in the hospital. Where was she now? Was she still mad at me?
“Do you really love her?” Ray asked, as though sensing I was thinking about her.
“I do,” I sighed. I glanced over at him and then felt myself blush. I hadn’t realized it, but we weren’t alone anymore. There, standing in the doorway just over Ray’s shoulder, was Leila.
36
Leila
Sunday
I walked slowly, hesitantly, into Marcus’s room. “You’re awake,” I breathed.
“I think so anyway,” Marcus joked.
I scowled at him, hoping he realized just how not funny all of this was. God, I didn’t think I had ever been more worried about a patient before. Nor had I felt so helpless before. I’d wanted to fix him. To stitch him back up and to set all his broken bones. But just looking at him, it was like all my training had gone out the window. I hadn’t even known where to start. Fortunately, there were other qualified nurses and doctors in the hospital, and they got him sorted out, anesthetizing him and then going through the full scan of his injuries.
