by Mary Whitney
“Lucinda Masters. I bumped into her on the street. She’s back from her sabbatical in Florence.”
My ears perked up at that. If there was a woman that was anywhere close to a match for Allison, it was Lucinda. She was a professor of art history at University College. Beautiful, brilliant, and free-spirited, she toyed with me as much as I toyed with her. She might be just what I need.
I set up a date with Lucinda a couple of nights later, and it started off well. Allison wasn’t on my mind at all. Lucinda was funny, clever, and engaging. She also wore a tight, low-cut sweater that displayed her knockers for the whole world, and most prominently for me. I couldn’t wait to get my hands in there.
When we got back to her place in Notting Hill, I was confident I was going to get a shag that would make up for this desert I’d been wandering in. Her place was elaborately decorated with fabulous art that she picked up on her travels.
While she was in the kitchen pouring us some wine, I looked through the most recent pieces she’d found. “You have some interesting stuff here,” I called out to her.
She swooped into the living room with two glasses of wine. “Thank you.” She handed me a glass. “I like them too. Take a look at the second one. What does it remind you of?”
I stared at it, hoping I’d find some deep insight into the work, but I found none. “To be honest, it looks like a bunch of paint splotches to me.”
“Oh, come on now, David, you’re not dense about these things.”
I looked more closely and then pointed to the largest splotches. “That looks like a bird. That may be a person lying down.”
“And this means nothing to you?”
“No.”
“It’s a modern representation of Leda and the swan. Very erotic.”
I studied the painting more closely. “How the fuck is that erotic?”
“The story is erotic, and many of the representations throughout history are quite racy.”
“Tell me about it.”
“All right.” She grabbed her iPad and said, “You know who Zeus is, right? And Helen of Troy?”
“Greek mythology. I’m not that much of an uncultured dunderhead.”
While tapping away on her tablet, she said, “Right, so Helen of Troy is Zeus’s child by Leda. Leda was married to a king, and Zeus took the form of a swan and seduced her.” She handed me the iPad. “Here. Take a look.”
Upon seeing the gallery of images, my eyes bulged. “Jesus Christ. She’s fucking the swan.”
“Indeed.” She pointed to several of the photos and spoke as I only imagined Professor Masters would in front of her class. “At first many people think the neck and head of the swan are phallic and the sources of the intercourse, but actually swans are birds with penises like many waterfowl.”
“Swans have dicks?”
She snorted, and she took a less professorial tone. “Yes, swans have dicks.”
I looked more closely at the pictures. “She seems to be enjoying it.”
“Well, yes. They’re very sexually charged. The story has been popular over the ages because it was a way to show highly erotic sex in a safe manner.”
“Safe?” I laughed. “These things are downright kinky. In this one, he’s banging her and biting her nipple with his beak.”
“So imagine it’s the seventeenth century where everyone is completely covered up all the time. Maybe you see breasts in art. If you came across something like this, it would be as titillating as modern pornography.”
“I suppose so.”
“After all, that is a something most women like.”
“You, don’t say…” I took the iPad from her and placed my wine on the table. “Let’s try it right now.”
“Yes, let’s,” she said.
We settled into a kiss which was short-lived because I immediately went to her chest. I felt her begin to grind against me as I coaxed her breast out of her bra. While I went to work on her nipple, she said, “David, is your mind elsewhere?”
“What do you mean, darling?” I asked with my mouth still on her chest.
“I’m practically humping you, and you’re not hard.” Her brow furrowed.
I jerked my head up. “That can’t be.”
“It is.”
“Just give me a moment.”
“Okay…” She slid her hand over my trousers. “Maybe we’ll try this.”
I looked down at her hand on my dick, and there was nothing—no movement at all. I bit my lip.
She looked me in the eye with trepidation. “It’s all right. Tonight’s not your night.”
“I’m just so stressed at work…and me mum is ill…and I’ve been under-the-weather…and—”
“It’s okay, David. Don’t worry about it. It happens.” She laughed. “Even you aren’t that young anymore.”
Lucinda put my life into a tailspin. Was it karma for all my age jokes about Trey? Was I losing it now also? By the next morning, I’d resolved that I needed to see my doctor. I wasn’t going to lose my sex life just because I was older. If I needed drugs to get it up, then I’d get the drugs. I told myself there shouldn’t be any shame to it.
I scheduled the appointment for later that day, arriving fifteen minutes early. My doctor was Doctor Nelson to the rest of the world, but he was Geoffrey to me. I saw the guy more often than most. Given my sexual history, I was hyper-vigilant about testing four times a year for STDs and all that.
As I sat on the examination table in my undershirt and boxers, I kept telling myself that this would work and I’d have my dick back by the evening. If I wanted to I could even pay a call on Candy or Lucinda just to prove it to myself and them that I still had it.
When Geoffrey walked in, his head was down, studying my chart. He closed the door behind him. “Hello, David. How are you?”
“Good. Good. And you?”
“I can’t complain,” he said, looking again at my chart. “And what brings you here today? You didn’t answer the question on the form about your reason for today’s visit.” He chuckled. “So what are you here to complain about?”
I scowled and shook my head. “I can’t get it up, doc. It’s awful.”
“Really? You can’t achieve an erection?”
“Only sometimes.”
He nodded and took a seat where he could write on the counter. “Let’s start at the beginning. When was the last time you had sex?”
“I think it’s been two months now.”
Geoffrey was silent as he wrote, but the silence said it all. For me, that was a serious sign that something was wrong. “Have you been with women during this time and were unable to achieve an erection?”
“Yes. Twice.”
“Are you under stress at work or with your family?”
“No. Not any more than usual.” I sighed. “I think I’m getting old.”
“You’re a bit young to already be experiencing erectile dysfunction.”
“Then, what is it? Because, my God, this is killing me.”
He crossed his arms in thought. “Can you ever achieve an erection of any kind?”
“Well, yes…”
“When was the last time?”
“This morning.”
“So you woke up with an erection?”
“Always have.”
“And what happens then?”
I chuckled. “I take care of it.”
He nodded and wrote again. “So you masturbate daily, and do you ejaculate?”
“Yes.”
“Huh.” He turned to me and crossed his arms in thought. “Tell me more about what’s going on with you? You must be awfully busy with something not to be spending more time with women. Normally, you’ve been with quite a few during a two month period.”
“I know it’s strange.”
“So you haven’t even gone on any dates?”
“No, none.”
“So where have you been spending your time?”
“At work. Friends. The normal stuff.” I looked aside and said,
“I’ve got one new female friend. We’ve spent some time together.”
“Tell me about her.”
“Her name is Allison. She’s an American. We met on a flight, and we’ve seen each other a few times.”
“Are you attracted to her?”
“Hell, yes.” I pointed to him. “You would be as well, and she’s a sweetheart. Unfortunately, she’s also got a boyfriend.”
“You say you’ve seen her. What does that mean?”
“We’ve just gone out platonically.”
“How so?”
“Well, we ate dinner together on the plane, we went to the zoo once, we went to a casino, we’ve had lunch, we’ve gone shopping, and a few days ago we went to the pub.”
“One second,” he said, holding up his hand. “You just told me you hadn’t been on any dates.”
“I haven’t.”
“Those sound like dates to me.”
“Nah.”
“David, dates don’t always mean sex.”
“Not for me.”
“Well, it sounds like you’ve been courting her whether you’ve known it or not.”
“Courting?” What century did he think we lived in? People didn’t court anymore, especially not me.
“Do you care for her?”
I was speechless for a moment. How could I formulate how I felt about Allison into words? “I…I think she’s extraordinary.”
“Do you want to date her? And I mean date in whatever definition you mean.”
“Fuck yes.”
“When you’re with her, do you want to be with any other women? Do you even notice them?”
“No.” I laughed. “Ain’t that amazing?”
“It is. She sounds very special.” He turned back to his chart, and rubbing his chin in thought, he chuckled. “I’m going to write you a prescription. I think this will take care of what’s ailing you.”
“Thank God.”
He scribbled onto a notepad and then handed a slip to me. Not wanting to face my own inadequacies, I didn’t even read it. I simply folded it in half and put it in my jacket. “Thanks, Geoffrey. I appreciate it.”
Twenty minutes later, I stood in the queue at the chemist, waiting to get my prescription filled. The line was long and slow, so I studied the latest football news on my phone. I was so immersed in it that I was a bit startled when I got to the counter. “Hello,” I said to the pharmacist.
“Hello,” she said, flatly. “Please give me your prescription.”
I fished the paper out of my pocket and handed it to her.
Taking it from me without a word, she sat on a stool by a computer to input the information. She opened the slip, read it, and then looked up at me. “Is this a joke?”
“No,” I said, placing my phone in my pocket. I leaned further into the counter, hoping no one would hear our discussion. She probably thought it was strange that a guy like me needed the little blue pills. I’d never had a chemist comment on my prescriptions before. “My doctor just wrote it for me.”
“Are you sure you handed me the right piece of paper?”
I became testy. “Yes, I did. You can fill the prescription.”
The woman stared at me and frowned. “There’s no reason to get upset with me. I’m only doing my job.”
“I’m sorry. Pardon me. It’s just that I’m late for work,” I lied.
“Well, I can’t fill your prescription.” She folded the paper and pushed it back to me. “I suggest you contact your doctor and discuss it.”
“That doesn’t seem right. I’d think this was a common drug.”
A sneaky smile crossed her face. “It is, but I can’t help you with it.”
I’d had my fill of bitchy pharmacists. “Ah, bugger.” I grabbed the prescription and stomped out.
When I got out to the street, I decided to read the prescription just to see if I could get someone else to fill it. If worse came to worst, I’d fill it online. I opened up the paper, read it, and immediately growled, “Wanker!”
Within in seconds, I had my phone to my ear, waiting for Geoffrey’s office to pick up. When they answered, I barked, “This is David Bates. I need to talk to Doctor Nelson now.”
“Oh, good. I believe he’s expecting your call.”
When Geoffrey answered, he didn’t even say hello. “I was wondering how long it would take you to call me.”
“I should report you to someone. I just handed this so-called prescription to the chemist.”
“You did not.”
“Oh, yes I fucking did.”
“David, is it really my fault that you didn’t read the prescription before you went to the chemist?”
“It’s fucking ridiculous! That’s what it is.” I stared down at the paper and read it aloud, “‘Ask her out on a bloody real date.’ What the fuck does that mean?”
“That was personal advice as a friend. If you don’t take it, then you should take my professional recommendation which is to go see a psychologist. I think you’ll be told the same thing, though you’ll be 200 quid poorer.”
“A psychologist?”
“You don’t have anything physically wrong with you.”
“How are you sure? You didn’t examine me.”
“David, you told me you’re masturbating every morning to ejaculation. Your penis is working fine. Does this girl Allison come to mind when you’re doing that?”
“Yes.”
“Then ask her out, damn it, and get on with it.”
Full of annoyance both at him and the world, I grumbled, “She has a boyfriend.”
“Oh fuck the boyfriend. You, of all people, should know how to get rid of one of those.”
I bunked off work the rest of the day. After coming home, I took a beer from the fridge, stripped off my suit, sank into my sofa, and turned on the TV. But even a Liverpool/Chelsea match couldn’t deliver me from my funk.
Out of the corner of my eye, I caught sight of my jacket. Who knows what possessed me when I pulled out the now crumpled prescription. I read it once again, but this time rather than crumpling it up, I stared at the message one more time.
I grabbed my phone, wondering if I should text or call her. I decided a call would be better because it was less likely to be seen by Trey-boy. She picked up at once.
“Hello. David?” Her voice was curious.
“Hello, love. How are you?”
“I’m good. It’s still morning here. How are you?”
“Good. Thinking about you.”
“You’re sweet. I’ve thought about you, too. That was a really great afternoon.”
“It was. So when do I get to see you again?”
“Um. I don’t know. What’s your travel schedule?”
“I’m not due in New York again for a while.” I actually was needed there soon, but I didn’t want to see her there. Trey was in too close proximity in New York. I started sputtering off random cities and parts of the world hoping she would be near one of them soon. “The trips I have coming are in Asia, Mexico City, Europe, Rio, Dubai …I forget where else.”
“That’s a lot of travel. I’m not on the road that much right now. I’ve only got a trip to San Francisco in the next couple of weeks. It’s a long one, but at least it’s domestic so my body clock won’t be so out of whack.”
“San Francisco? Why? I thought you were only handling international offices.”
“I am, but we’re having a training, and it was cheaper to convene the meeting in San Francisco than anywhere else.”
“When will you be there?”
“Next week. I fly out on Monday and return on Friday.”
“Oh, I’m in LA then.” I told myself it wasn’t a lie because I’d just schedule a trip to make it so. “I could come up…” And then I finally said it, “For a date.”
“A date?” she asked curiously.
“A friendly date.”
“How friendly?”
“As friendly as you want it to be, love.”
�
�You do test me, don’t you?”
“Love, I’d like you even if you weren’t such a challenge.”
“Hrm. I don’t know about that.”
“I do. So what shall we do in San Francisco?”
“I don’t know. I’ve never spent much time there.”
“It’s a great town,” I said, thinking back to my previous trips. “It’s probably the most European of American cities besides New Orleans. Excellent food. Can you bunk off for an afternoon?”
“Can I what?”
“Bunk off. Skip out or something like that.”
“Ah, bunk off. It’s like playing hookie.”
“Now that always sounded naughty to me.”
“It’s playing hookie, not nookie.”
“Oh, too bad.” I chuckled “Regardless, can you find some time on afternoon? Or we could go out to dinner. Or we could do both.”
She laughed. “Let me see what I can do. A whole afternoon might be difficult.”
“We had fun the last time you took an afternoon off.”
“We did. How long are you in LA?”
“Dunno. I need to check with Declan.”
A few minutes later, we ended our call, and I immediately rang Declan. “We need to go to LA in next week.”
“We do?”
“We do. Please set up some meetings there or anywhere in California for that matter.”
“Uh. This is sudden. What kind of meetings? With whom?”
“I don’t know. Surely, we need to meet with someone there. California is the eighth largest economy in the world.”
The following Friday, it was a foggy morning as I paced in front of the San Francisco ferry building, but already the sun was burning through the clouds. All Allison had told me was to meet her there at nine. I wasn’t sure how long we’d have together or when her flight was scheduled that day. I’d already flown in from LA the night before, and I hadn’t checked out of my hotel yet. If luck shined on me, I’d have a place for us to go. If I wasn’t so lucky, I’d check out of the hotel, hop the next flight to London, and then maybe look into seeing a shrink.
Allison walked up to me wearing jeans, trainers, and a fleece. “Hi, David,” she said, giving me a hug.
I pulled her in tighter. “Hello, love. How are you?”
She pulled away and smiled, tucking some hair behind her ear. “I’m good. I checked out of my hotel and left my luggage with the concierge if that’s okay.” She patted her backpack. “I put some clothes in here in case I need to change. It looks like it might warm up.”
