by Mary Whitney
Where was I supposed to start? A while ago, I’d mentioned to Adam that I was seeing a counselor—his mum had referred me to the bloke. If he didn’t hear it from me, he’d have heard it from Sylvia. She was so proud of herself for getting me to go. I did make sure to tell him after we both had downed a couple of pints watching football at the pub. He’d never probe in a situation like that.
That evening, I decided to just tell him what I’d heard from Angus. I ended it by saying, “I don’t know what to do. I still have feelings for her.” It came out so corny, I covered my eyes even though no one was there to see me. “I can’t believe I just said I have feelings for her. I sound like such a girl.”
“Not so. What kind of feelings?”
“Err…”
“Oh come on, man, I don’t have all night. I need to get V down.” Adam grumbled. “Yes or no? Do you still love Allison?”
“Yes,” I said without a hint of reservation.
“Then I’m going to say to you what you said to me once about Nicki.”
“What’s that?” I never remembered giving any particularly sage advice. I only said things like, “Dump the cheerleader and hook up with Nicki” and “Don’t cheat on your girlfriend”. That all seemed self-evident to me. “I don’t remember anything in particular.”
“You told me God hates a coward.”
“That, he does,” I said, nodding my head. It was the kind of advice I’d give, and it was so self-evident I knew it in my heart. “Indeed.”
Adam soon begged off the call to get Little V to bed on time. After I hung up, I took a deep breath, making sure I wanted to go down this road. As I exhaled, I thought of just how nice it would be to hear Allison’s voice. That was enough to prod me into action.
I checked my watch. It was still in the middle of the business day in New York. If I was going to contact Allison, she would be at work. I questioned whether or not I should call her there, but then I remembered after our last fiasco, she called me at the office rather than ringing my mobile. Maybe I should do the same.
Even though Allison had given me her direct line, I called the main New York Greystone number, routing me to the lovely Paulina. When Allison and I were together, Paulina and I would chat occasionally. I wondered what she would think of a call from me. She answered just as she always did, “Allison Wright’s office. This is Paulina Reyes. How may I help you?”
“Hello, Paulina. It’s David Bates. How are you?”
“Oh. David. Hello.” Her tone was choppy and uncharacteristically uncertain. “I’m fine. How are you?”
“I can’t complain. Is Allison in?”
“She was in a meeting. Let me see if that’s ended.”
“All right.” I wondered what the answer would be and what it meant if she didn’t take my call. Allison was a busy woman at work. She could’ve very well been in a meeting and not be able to talk. On the other hand, she might’ve thought of me as nothing more than an annoying arsehole of an ex.
The line clicked, and Paul said, “She’s free now. She just needs a moment if you don’t mind holding.”
“I don’t mind holding at all. Thank you very much.”
“You’re welcome.” The phone went silent, and I thought I’d been put on hold, but then I heard Paulina say, “It was good to hear your voice. I hope we see you again.”
Then the line clicked, and when I said “Cheers,” she didn’t answer. I stared at the muted program still playing on my TV. That was sort of a nice thing for Paulina to say. She certainly didn’t have to say something like that. It was the first positive feeling I’d had about Allison in months.
There was a click on the line again, and I heard Allison say, “Hi, David. This is a surprise.”
“I suppose it is.” I breathed deeply and asked, “How are you, love?”
“I’m okay. How are you?”
She didn’t sound particularly okay. Was she not doing well or was it simply because she was stuck on the phone with me? I cleared my throat. “I’m good…getting better.”
“Oh.”
I rubbed my eyes with my free hand, trying to soothe myself. What a horribly awkward conversation. Did I really want to go through with what I’d planned? I did. It seemed stupid to stop when I really hadn’t even started. “I was hoping we could talk. I’ll be in New York tomorrow.”
“You will?”
“I will. Could I stop by your office in the afternoon? Around three?”
“Um…sure. But we could have lunch if you want.”
And then without thinking I said, “I think it’s safer if we talk in your office.” When I realized what I’d said, I hit my head.
“Oh, David,” she said in a voice that sounded like a sad plea. “I don’t want you thinking I feel unsafe around you, because I don’t.”
“I don’t think that. It was the wrong choice of words. I just thought we’d be more comfortable if we talked in private. That’s all.”
“Okay. If that’s what you want.”
“So is three all right tomorrow?”
“It is,” she said a little brighter. “I’ll see you then.”
The next afternoon, I let the warm water hit my face as I took a shower at Angus’s gym. I’d left London on an early flight, arrived in New York around lunch time, and spent the afternoon with Angus at the football pitch. He was good enough to bunk off work just to spend some time with me and calm my nerves.
When I walked down the hallway to Allison’s office exactly at three, I felt good, but I was still nervous. I jingled the change in my trouser pockets to slow myself down. As I approached Paulina’s desk, she slyly turned her head toward me and smiled. “Hello.”
“Hello, Paulina. And how are you on this lovely day?”
“Good. And you?”
“Very well, thank you.”
Pushing back her chair from the desk, she said, “Let me get Allison.”
“Thanks.”
I watched as she softly knocked, entered, and then shut the door. Less than a minute later, she returned, closing the door again behind her. “She’ll be right out. Is there anything I can get you? Water, coffee?”
“No, thank you. I’m fine.”
“Okay.” Her eyes widened, her expression became furtive. I’d always suspected that Paulina knew and cared more about her boss’s personal life than Allison was aware. It seemed Paulina understood exactly how significant it was that I was there.
Just as I was about to ask more about how she was doing, Allison’s door opened and she walked out. Wearing dark blue trousers, heels, and a sheer green blouse, she looked elegant, strong, but feminine. That was my girl, and her smile was wide for me. “Hi, David. Come on in.”
“Thanks,” I said, following her inside. I’d made a pact with myself that I wouldn’t be the moody, lovesick prat that I’d turned into without her. I would be back to me old self. So when she closed the door behind us, I turned to her and said, “You look gorgeous as ever, love.”
She patted her hair shyly. “Thanks, I changed my hair. It’s a little shorter.”
“It’s lovely.” I pointed to left side of her mouth. “Just don’t ever change that one freckle. It would be a shame if you did.”
Her hand flew to her face, covering her adorable beauty mark. “This? I hate this. It’s like a freckle on top of a mole. It’s awful.”
“It’s not awful. It’s a beauty mark.”
“I’ve always wanted to get it removed.”
“No.” I shook my head. “Don’t do it. It’s great. It’s what makes you you, love.”
“Thanks,” she said in a meek voice. She withdrew her hand and gestured to the sitting area. “Take a seat. Can I get you something to drink?”
“No, thank you. I’m fine. Paulina already offered.”
I took a seat on the sofa with the tissues sitting on the table nearby. I swore I wouldn’t need them like I did on occasion with Dr. Green. As I sat down, I looked to see which seat Allison would choose. To my surprise,
she sat on the sofa with me, albeit at quite a distance. “How are you?” I asked.
“Okay. Good, I guess.” She fiddled with her bracelet. “How are you?”
“Good.” I nodded. “Getting better, in fact.”
“Oh.” I’d puzzled her with my last comment. Looking perplexed, her eyes went to my hair. “Why is your hair wet?”
“Ah. Forgot about that,” I said, touching my hair. “I was playing footie with Angus.”
“Didn’t you have to work today?”
“No. I took the day off.”
“That’s right. You just flew in today. That makes sense. How long is your trip?”
“I’m flying back tonight.”
I waited for to comprehend what that meant, and after only a second, she asked hesitantly, “If this isn’t a work trip, why are you in New York? And why for only a few hours?”
“Because I wanted to talk to you, but I needed to get back.” Actually, I would’ve stuck around for as long as she would have me, but I thought it was wise to leave and give her space.
“You flew all the way here just to talk to me right now?” Her eyes were wide in what looked to be fear.
“I played football, as well.” I chuckled. “But yes, the purpose of my trip was to see you.”
“Oh.”
Damn, she sounded awkward. What was wrong with her? I was going to have to be bloody direct. “I’ve wanted to talk to you. I’ve missed you.”
Her forehead crumpled. “I’ve missed you, too.” She exhaled sharply. “But…”
“Are you seeing anyone?” There. I’d asked the key question. Dr. Green and Adam couldn’t accuse me of being a coward or a pathetic fool.
“Not really.” Her suspect expression became an annoyed one. “Do you think it’s been easy for me? Because it hasn’t.”
“Well, it hasn’t been easy for me either, but I’m doing better.”
“So you’re seeing someone?”
I could tell by her expression that she’d be skeptical no matter what I said. “Nope. Not a single person.” As she stared at me with more skepticism, I added, “What do you mean by not really?”
“I’ve been alone, by choice, but Trey wants to get back together. We’ve gone to lunch, had coffee, things like that. We have dinner plans this weekend.”
“Do you, now?”
She held up her hand to stop me. “David, I know you hate the guy, but—”
“With good reason.”
“Will you let me finish?”
“Yes. Go ahead.”
“But he’s been really supportive.”
I rubbed my mouth. I think I’m going to puke. I thought of her crying on his shoulder over me, the evil brute. I had to stop myself from saying something that would piss her off. I decided to put my cards on the table. “So I hear.”
“Trey and me? From who?” She chuckled. “Why do I even ask? Angus saw us at lunch, right?”
“He’s me mate.” I smiled.
She sighed and shook her head. “David, I’m not doing this to hurt you. I would never do that.”
“I don’t want to see you get hurt.”
“Don’t worry. He’s changed.”
“No, he hasn’t.”
Her eyes flared at me. “How do you know? You know nothing about him.”
“If I’d heard you were seeing any other bloke, I wouldn’t be here today, but you just can’t be with him.”
“Why do you hate him so much? What has he ever done with you?”
“Nothing. It’s because he’s hurt you that I hate him.” I grimaced. “He is a complete tosser though.”
“He’s not going to hurt me again. He’s very serious. He wants to get married.”
My heart stopped, and I leaned toward her in fear. “Do you want to marry him?”
“Not at the moment.” She rolled her eyes. “But I did at one point. Shouldn’t I give him another chance? Isn’t that right thing to do?”
“And what if I told you he was still banging Melanie?”
“I’d say you were crude and crazy because he never was with her.” She scowled. “You’re doing this to get back at him or me or some other reason.”
“Do you know she brings him dinner to his house?”
“Yes. I do. It’s no big deal. If he knows he’s going to be working late at home, she runs by Lark and picks up some food and drops it by his place.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “It doesn’t happen that often.”
“Only twice a week, every week.”
“Who told you this? Angus?”
“He’d be a pretty good source, don’t you think?” I could see her mind was working to see if anything of what I’d said was possibly true, so I continued, “Go to his house tonight. See for yourself. If I’m wrong, I’m sorry. Never speak to me again. If I’m right, I’m sorry and you still don’t have to speak to me again. I’m not trying to get the girl here. I just don’t want to see you hurt again, especially by an arse like him.”
“You really hate him.”
“No, I love you.”
Her spine straightened. “Thanks for looking out for me, if indeed that’s what you’re doing, but you realize you’ve just put me in a horrible position. I can’t just ignore what you’ve accused him of. It’s my job to have something like this investigated, but I’m caught up in it too because Trey and I have been involved in the past. I can be accused of being a jealous ex.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I’ve known about this for a long time, but I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want you to get sacked.”
“Somehow that doesn’t make me feel better,” she spat at me.
“I didn’t expect it would.”
For a moment, she stared at me with utter contempt, but soon she hung her head down, like I’d just put the weight of the world on her shoulders. “You should leave now. I have to think this through.”
“I understand. I’ll leave, but I have one more thing to say.”
“I really think you should go.”
I would leave, but not until she heard me out. I didn’t want anything left to misinterpretation, so I leaned over and lifted her chin. Oh, how I wanted to give her a kiss, but she was mad. The bird might’ve even bit me, so I just smiled. “Listen to me. I know you’re angry and annoyed with me right now. I understand. I would be too. But I want to let you know that I’ve spent the last five months in counseling to deal with my temper, and I’m not finished.”
The anger in her face began to creep away as her mouth gaped. “You have? Really?”
“I have. It’s been useful, but I’m nowhere near done. I still have a lot to learn, but one thing I know for sure is how much I love you.”
“Oh, David…” Her voice was so quiet. “I’m happy to hear it.”
“I don’t expect this to change anything between us. I’d like for it to, but I understand. But you should know you may be able to find someone you like better or who doesn’t have a temper or who has never beat a man within an inch of his life or one who doesn’t have crazy ex-girlfriends or someone who isn’t just an ordinary bloke like me, but you’ll never find anyone who feels for you as much I love you.”
She sat motionless, like a stunned, frightened animal. Leaning further, I kissed her forehead. “I love you, Allison. Remember that.”
Without another word or glance backward, I left the room.
Yes, I’d told Allison I had no expectations from her, and I knew walking out of her office that I may never see her again. But could you blame a bloke for hoping? Since I’d left New York, I let the first week pass without too much thought. After all, if the shit was hitting the fan, she’d be busy. As the second week went on, I began to think that if I might have a chance, now would be the time she reached out to me. My hopes lifted higher when Declan poked his head into my office.
“Got a second for some gossip?” he said.
“Of course,” I said, turning in my chair toward the door. “Who doesn’t have time for that?”
&nb
sp; “This is good too,” Declan said eagerly. “Trey Chabot has been sacked.”
“Really?” I kept my face so placid I should’ve won a bloody Oscar.
“Yup. He was screwing his assistant. You know, the cute one.” He leaned further into my office. “The one with the great tits.”
“Thanks for the reminder. I remember her.” I smiled. “You know, I never really liked Trey.”
“Me neither.”
I didn’t want to gloat too much, at least not publicly, so I brought the subject back to work. “So who is going to take over his accounts?”
“Dunno.” He snickered. “Probably another American arsehole.”
“Probably.”
When Declan left, I leaned back in my chair and stared out my window onto the street life below. Trey was gone, so now what happened to Allison? I could’ve called the offices to ask for her, but that seemed stalker-like. It was also emotionally unhealthy if I’d supposedly let the woman go. So I went another week hoping I might hear something, but nothing. After three weeks passed, Dr. Green’s advice finally sank in. I really needed to move on.
One unusually bright Saturday in London, twenty-three days since I’d last seen Allison, I was gathering my things to spend a few hours at the workshop working on a chair for Little V. My hands were full when someone buzzed my flat from the building’s front door. “Bugger,” I said aloud at the thought of opening the door. So I ignored it. It was most likely some of those missionaries who for some reason thought West London a land in need of evangelism.
When there was a knock on my front door, I grumbled again, though this time I knew it was someone persistent and maybe a friend. I put down my keys and drink, but kept my bag on my shoulder as I answered the door. The red hair was the first surprise, but then her smile was the second. “Allison,” I said almost without a breath.
“Hi. I’m sorry to come unannounced.” She looked sheepish and pointed to the bag hanging from my shoulder. “It looks like you’re leaving. I can come back later. I just—”
“No, no, no. Stay here.” I took her arm and dragged her inside like I was a fucking caveman claiming my mate from the rest of the world. Closing the door behind me, I said, “I’m so happy you came.”
