“Okay, I see,” he replies carefully.
It is so frustrating, this whole thing!
“But you don’t, Dad. That’s the problem. You never see. Not me. Not Mom. Not our reality—how things really are. And I wish you would. But I’m done trying. I don’t want to be like you. It’s not worth it.”
“Oh, Ellie.”
His voice makes me question everything, but I need to stand my ground. These are things that need to be said. And that’s all that I can do for now. “Merry Christmas, Dad. Let’s talk soon.”
As soon as I hang up, I put my phone away.
I feel better, but my work isn’t done. I sprint to Jeremy Hinkey’s house and bang on his front door. Lucky for me, it’s only a few blocks away.
Jeremy opens it up but as soon as he realizes it’s me, he tries to slam the door in my face.
Interesting and not totally shocking, I suppose. Still, I am not going to give up that easily. I manage to kick my foot inside the entryway, jamming the door so it doesn’t close entirely.
Ouch, that hurts.
I gulp and try not to focus on the pain. There are more important things!
“Wait! We need to talk. Don’t be scared,” I say, because I see a lot of fear in his eyes. That kind of thing used to bring me pride. Now I only feel embarrassment and shame.
“I promise I’m not going to hurt you, Jeremy. I’m here to apologize.”
He scoffs. “Yeah right. Ellie Charles apologize? Do you think I’m stupid? Because I’m not stupid.”
“I don’t think you’re stupid. In fact, I know you are not stupid. And I know you didn’t fart. Remember, from the meeting way back when?”
“You mean earlier today?” asks Jeremy.
“Right,” I say. “Earlier today. I have grown a lot in that time. In fact, I’m a whole new girl. It’s complicated so don’t ask. Anyway, I’m sorry I embarrassed you. It was mean and completely gratuitous. I’ve had a lot of time to think about my behavior and I want to apologize. No, I need to apologize. Not only for the fart lie. But for being so hard on you about the snacks. I don’t know why I was so difficult, so cruel. No, that’s not true. I did it to make you look bad, so I would seem better, more in control, the one with all the answers. And that was wrong, and I’m sorry. Truly.”
I look him in the eye, hoping he will accept my bizarre and hard-to-believe transformation.
“What’s the catch?” he asks tiredly. “Why don’t you tell me now and save me the trouble?”
“There’s no catch, I swear. And I don’t blame you for not trusting me. I have been horrible to you. To everyone, actually. You don’t need to believe me, but I need to say it. I’m so sorry, Jeremy. I hope that someday you’ll forgive me. And I hope to see you at the dance.”
I turn around and leave before he can argue. Before he can ask me any more questions.
It feels good, coming clean like this. I feel lighter, freer, somehow. But then I realize I’m not done. Not by a long stretch.
There’s something else I need to do. Something more important.
It’s not Marley’s fault that she has a perfect life. Two awesome dads while I have none. It’s not her fault that my dad left my mom. Left me.
Marley has always been there for me. She’s always been a good and true friend. And the way I treated her? She didn’t deserve it. She didn’t deserve any of it. And I’ve been a big coward, not saying anything. Letting things go on like this for so many years. Everything was my fault—I see that now. I thought I was being brave by acting tough, by focusing on being the best and the strongest. When actually I’ve been a huge coward, and enough is enough.
I head to Marley’s place next, and I knock on her door. Marley answers but—what a coincidence—she has no interest in speaking to me, either. For the second time today, someone slams the door on me.
And for the second time today, I cannot blame them in the least.
But I’m not going to give up so easily.
When a door slams in your face, find a window. That phrase pops into my head. And I take it as a sign. I try all the windows in the house, but they are locked. I pick up a rock, pull back my arm and aim for the glass, but then I have second thoughts …
Sure, I have something I need to say, but maybe a forceful approach isn’t necessary.
That’s why I scale her backyard fence and then crawl inside her house through the doggie door.
“I’m going to call the police,” Marley threatens as soon as she realizes what I’ve done.
“No wait!” I say, holding up my hands. “Please hear me out. Give me five minutes. I’m begging you. I’m haunted by this. Please, Marley. For old times’ sake?”
“Do you promise you’re going to leave after five minutes?” she asks.
“Of course,” I say. I hold up my right pinky. “Pinky swear.”
“Ellie, we are not eight years old anymore. Pinky swears are for babies.”
“I know that,” I say. “But it’s kind of perfect because I’ve been acting so childish and immature. I know I was horrible to you, and then, on top of it, I ghosted you. It was pathetic. But I was so mad I wasn’t seeing things clearly. I didn’t blame myself and I should have. I was the worst.”
I think I’ve gotten to her, a little. She doesn’t respond with words, but something in her disdainful expression softens ever so slightly.
So I open up further, trying to explain. “I was so jealous of you. You had everything—you’re smarter than me and better and stronger. You know who you are and you don’t care what people think. Meanwhile, you are so good. You were always there for me. Always stood by me. The most loyal friend. Even when I was horrible to you. You forgave me and were willing to give me another chance. It was too much. And I couldn’t stand it. So I lashed out. It was pathetic. You were a good friend and I ruined everything out of spite. I’m so sorry.”
It’s too little too late. I know this, and I can tell that Marley is still angry.
“You can’t change the past,” she tells me pointedly. “You totally betrayed me by sending that stupid video of me. And you knew it was a joke but when all those kids made fun of me, you just stood there. You said nothing. You shut me out. And then, when I was willing to forgive you, you didn’t even bother to apologize. You ignored me.”
“I was weak. I am weak. I’m sorry.” This is not only the truth, it’s also the only thing I can think to say.
“You have no idea how mortified I was. It has ruined my whole entire life!”
“Is that true?” I ask. “Because you look pretty happy now.”
“Well, yes, because you are out of my life,” Marley says. “And it took me a long time to get to this point. What you did? It was beyond humiliating. It’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. And I’m not even talking about the stupid video. I’m over that. The thing that really stung? It was your betrayal. Because you are the one I cared about and you abandoned me. We were best friends and you turned on me. You didn’t stick up for me. And then you ghosted me.”
“You’re right,” I say. “I have no idea what you went through, so maybe it’s time I find out.”
Marley seems confused and I don’t blame her. This whole thing is kind of crazy, so unlike me. But sometimes crazy is necessary. I have spent too much time plotting and planning. All this conniving to get me to the top? It worked, but it’s a sad and lonely place to be. What is the end? Where do I go from here? This is not simply because my life turns out rotten. Not simply because Marley stole my boyfriend, and Reese stole my crown, and everyone secretly hates me except it’s not even a secret anymore.
These thoughts race through my head, all of them so jumbled. I am not sure how to explain but I need to try, so I take a deep breath and go for it.
“Okay,” I tell her. “It’s like this. You can look at the world and think, ‘How can I make this a better place?’ Or you can go out into the world and do what’s best for yourself, regardless of who you hurt, who you trample on, or o
ther people’s feelings. I want to be the first kind of person. Because the second kind, well, I’ve tried it out and I can tell you from experience—while it appears super fun, it’s been miserable. I’m talking ‘slowly chipping away at your soul’ misery. The kind you don’t even realize is happening until it’s too late. There are other, better ways of being in the world. I want to be kind and generous and good. I want to make stuff, like sourdough bread and art and happiness. I’ve wasted so much time focused on all the wrong things. Manufacturing misery. In myself and others. And it’s been awful. It’s simply an awful way to be. I see that now. It’s lonely at the top. I always thought that was some dumb phrase made up by losers so they wouldn’t feel bad about themselves for not being the best. But I can tell you, I have worked hard to claw my way to the top and it’s true. It’s lonely and no good.”
She stares at me for a long time without saying anything.
“What?” I ask her.
Twisting her mouth up, she tilts her head to one side and inhales deeply before speaking. “It’s weird, because you sound so sincere.”
“I am being sincere,” I promise. “Oh, and there’s one more thing. I also believe in justice. And sometimes that means revenge.”
I hand my phone to Marley. “Go ahead and turn it on,” I tell her.
She rolls her eyes at me. “You’re still trying to micromanage everything, Ellie. And I am not playing this game. I have zero interest. You are totally right. There are people you meet in life who make you feel better, who do good things, who make the world a better place. But I know you and I think you make the world a worse place. And I’m sick of it. I don’t want to care anymore. I don’t want to have anything to do with you.” She tries to hand me back my phone, but I refuse to take it.
Instead I start to tap dance. Except I don’t really know how to tap dance. And I haven’t tried to do any type of dance in the longest time. It’s been years, actually. So I look kind of foolish.
Marley is unimpressed, but at least I have her attention now.
“I am sorry, Marley. You are right. But please go ahead and record this. I have something I need to get off my chest.”
She rolls her eyes. “This is ridiculous.”
“I know, but please humor me.”
“Do you promise to go away after this?” she asks.
“Yes,” I say. “As long as you press record.”
“Don’t tell me what to do,” she replies. But she goes ahead and presses the right button and holds up the phone so it’s trained on my face.
“This is a video of the real me. I’m sad most of the time. My parents went through an ugly divorce. My dad is a jerk, but I took his side because he bought me more stuff. I learned how to be awful to my friends and I have betrayed everyone. I talk about people behind their backs. The reason I make fun of other kids dancing is because I’m jealous of their confidence, of the way they can let loose and be totally free, themselves, goofy, whatever. And I’m going to prove it.”
With that, I start break dancing. Attempting to break dance, I mean. It’s a joke. I look ridiculous.
Marley, who hasn’t cracked a smile since she laid eyes on me, is actually grinning.
I stop for a moment and continue. “Also? I have a massive crush on Jeremy Hinkey, who will probably grow up and break my heart. Not now. In the future. Trust me! I’m going to be bonkers for the guy.”
“Is that everything?” asks Marley.
“Isn’t that enough?” I ask.
“Why don’t you do another dance?” asks Marley.
“Okay.” I pretend my body is a wet noodle and shake.
“I said do a dance, not have a seizure,” says Marley.
“Honestly, it’s all the same for me,” I huff, out of breath and a little sweaty.
She lowers my phone.
“Okay. Go ahead and send that to everyone in my contacts. Or better yet, put it on Instagram. I have more than a thousand followers. And I deserve to be embarrassed in front of everyone.”
Marley looks at my phone. “You’d do that for me, just so I’ll forgive you?”
“Of course,” I say, gulping. “Go ahead. You should have your revenge. You’ve totally earned it. I was horrible to you.”
Marley shakes her head and says, “No, Ellie. That’s okay. It’s enough that you’d be willing to sacrifice your entire reputation. I know how much it means to you. Plus, I’m not going to stoop to your level.”
“Really?” I ask. “You are incredible. I don’t know what to say.”
“Why don’t you say this: Two wrongs don’t make a right. Because it’s not about revenge. It’s about owning up to your mistakes and apologizing and living with them,” Marley tells me. “It’s about striving to be a better person. Which you are going to start doing. Immediately.”
She hands me my phone and I look at it, half expecting her to have posted the video even though she refused. But when I look at it more carefully, I see that she hasn’t even recorded anything.
I glance up at her.
She is quiet, thinking. It makes me nervous. And then I have another idea.
“Hey, want to come to the dance with me? Our future boyfriend is going to be there. I mean, if he forgives me for embarrassing him a little while ago.”
“What are you talking about?” Marley asks.
“You’ll see,” I reply. “Just come.”
Marley shakes her head. “I don’t want to go to a dance tonight, to see all those people. I’ve moved on.”
“Well, what about me?” I ask. “I mean, obviously you’ve moved on from me, too. But do you think you can ever forgive me? Do you think we can be friends again?”
She stares at me for a long time and then grins. “I’ll think about it.”
“Okay, well, I’ll call you tomorrow. See how you’re feeling, and hope you can forgive me. Thank you for listening to me. You’re a bigger person than me. And I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed you, too,” she says. She reaches out and gives me a hug.
And that seems like a good start.
chapter sixteen
I have been through these gym doors so many times lately, with no idea what I’d find on the other side. But tonight feels different.
I’m a little late and the music is already playing. I glance around the room and notice the flaws: One of the corners of the murals is coming down and the string lights by the fire exit are sagging. Before the fall, I’d find someone from my committee and scream at them, maybe kick them out of the dance. But now I know it’s not worth it.
And speaking of kicking people out of the dance, I spot Jeremy Hinkey in the corner by the sliced veggies. He’s wearing a striped shirt and a bow tie, looking at me nervously. Like he expects me to kick him out of the dance, or perhaps to simply kick him. I go over and say hello.
“You look great,” I tell him.
“Um, so I can stay?” he asks.
“Of course,” I reply. “And sorry again.”
“You’re weird,” he says.
“I know,” I say. “Sometimes weird is good, though. Right?”
“Whatever you say,” he replies, and walks away.
Just then I feel someone yank me by the elbow. It’s Harper. “What is he doing here?” she asks me. “Do you want me to tell him to leave?”
“No, it’s okay,” I say.
“Okay, fine. Well, I’m glad you are finally here. You’re not going to believe what happened to Lily. She tried to flatten her hair with a flat iron and she singed some of it off.”
“That’s awful,” I say.
“No, it’s hilarious,” she says.
I shake my head. “No, I feel terrible. Poor girl.”
“What is up with you?” Harper asks me.
I don’t even want to get into it and one of my favorite songs is playing. Usually I’d hang back with my friends and we’d make fun of other people dancing, but tonight I have a new idea.
I dance. All by myself.
&n
bsp; Sure, Marley refused to tape my performance, but I still feel the need to do something bold. So I pretend like I am dancing for the camera, acting wacky and crazy and embarrassing.
People gather around me to watch, but no one gets too close. The crowd is unsure of what to make of me. So I decide to give them a show—I don’t even need to try to dance badly, to embarrass myself. It happens naturally.
And now that I’ve let my guard down, people are whispering and pointing, and eventually laughing. And it’s weird because people haven’t laughed at me in years. But it’s also okay, because I deserve it. Plus, it’s not so bad. There are worse things. Like living your life to be cruel and thoughtless. Hurting other people. Becoming rotten inside.
I’m starting all over. With a new starter.
Two songs later, I’m sweating up a storm, so I take a break to have some water. There are lemon slices floating around on top. I would’ve thrown in some cucumber, too. Maybe even some mint but, no biggie, this will do just fine. I take a sip. It’s refreshing.
Glancing around the gym, I feel truly happy—at peace. The room looks spectacular, not because I was in charge of the committee, but because everyone else worked together to create something magical.
It reminds me of happier, simpler times. And for the first time in ages, I’m excited for Christmas, for spending time with my mom, to whom I owe not only a huge apology, but also a major attitude adjustment.
And thinking about all this makes me wonder, was this all a dream? Did I simply fall too hard and hit my head and imagine everything?
I stare up at the disco ball. It’s a little off-center but still looks great. And then I see her—Marley Winters, the Girl in Black. She’s in those little mirrored squares—hundreds of her. And then the images go away and the disco ball turns into a crystal ball. Marley’s face fills up the entire globe. She’s looking down and smiling.
Ghosted Page 15
