Power-over means that a person sees his or her power as the ability to control others, and thus always sees this power as relative, either greater or lesser than other people’s power. People who operate on power-over see the world as a series of hierarchies which they must ascend. Power-over social structures tend to keep people struggling in a position of constant insecurity, as there are always people with more power in some arena or other.
An extreme example of the sexual mythology of power-over can be seen in prison sex, where the person who penetrates is believed to gain power, while the person who gets penetrated is believed to lose power and become degraded. Similarly, in traditional sex roles, many people believe that the man’s ability to penetrate confers power, while the woman who gets penetrated is seen as losing power. (Janet’s reaction when confronted with this belief: “Oh, you mean like when an electrical plug penetrates a wall socket?…”)
The mechanism of power-over lies in the belief that I can increase my power by taking some of yours. The way I get to feel big is to make you feel small, and the way I get to feel secure is to make you feel insecure. (Sound like anybody you know? Janet says it sounds like her ex-boss.) Power-over is achieved by belittling others.
The sad thing about power-over is that it doesn’t work. I cannot build a solid foundation of internal security, self-esteem and empowerment by stealing yours.
Power-with is based on the idea that we can all become more powerful by supporting each other in being more powerful. We, your authors, like this idea. We are eroticized to power, so we want you to be powerful because that turns us on, and we want to play with your power. We want you to be turned on to our power too: after all, it doesn’t take much of a top to take down a wimp.
DO YOU REALLY HAVE NO CHOICE? The truth is that you are always making choices, whether you admit it or not. Just as no one can actually magically steal your power, your power is always with you whether you want it or not.
As a bottom, it can be very sexy to believe that you have no choices. “Poor me! Forced to endure all this intense sensation, turned on against my will!” To keep this fantasy hot and safe, it is important that we understand that it is a fantasy, and if it is not hot any more, or safe, or feeling okay, then we do have a choice. We can stop the scene, we can ask for something different, we can tell our playmate about the problem we are having. In a worst-case scenario, we can choose a different playmate.
Dossie remembers a scene that strongly highlighted the contrast between fantasy and reality:
The fantasy was that I was tied in the tyrant’s bed, available to be fucked at any time against my will. My friend the tyrant indeed did wake me up at four in the morning, as per my request, and fucked me. The problem was, I was exhausted and quite sore from earlier activities, and could not get turned on. I kept turning my mind back to the fantasy of nonconsent, frantically hunting for my turn-on somewhere in there. But this time, in my sleepy state, I convinced myself that I really had no choice, and that this was noncon-sensual (all this time my poor friend is dutifully plugging away) and I became genuinely scared. My perceptive tyrant figured out that something was wrong and stopped, and comforted me with good grace, and was also very gracious about not completing the fuck till morning. I got very embarrassed, and got to learn yet one more time that even the hottest fantasy may not play as well in reality as it does in my mind.
ARE YOU REALLY PASSIVE? We never have liked that word passive – we prefer to think of bottoming as “receptive.” Bottoms as a class are not a passive lot in their lives, as you could see at any social event where you would find out that bottoms might be lawyers, doctors, therapists, corporate executives, police officers, entrepreneurs and other high-powered types. Many of the support groups and organizations in the S/M community in San Francisco and elsewhere were founded and are run by bottoms.
Most tops are uncomfortable with bottoms who are excessively passive. Janet, in her Lady Green top persona, occasionally gets letters from men who proudly claim “I am a wimp.” Her response: “Oooh, makes me dry.” Behind the sarcasm lies a very real discomfort with the idea of taking power from the powerless, and for the unsatisfying scenes that would undoubtedly ensue: why climb an anthill when the world is full of beautiful mountains?
In terms of planning a scene, bottoms very quickly learn that tops cannot read our minds, and that if we want to get our needs met and have our dreams come true, we had better learn how to take an active part in designing and realizing a scene. Bottoms who do not learn this lesson often get very frustrated and wonder why they can’t get their needs met. Failing to tell your partner about your needs is also a set-up for finding yourself in a scene you may hate now or regret tomorrow.
Even within the scene, bottoms may be rebellious, resistant, sexually aggressive, loudmouth (or even switch: many bottoms, like Dossie, are excellent tops). Active or interactive bottoms are actually quite popular. Passive bottoms who give little feedback to their tops may leave their tops feeling insecure and clueless: such scenes, while possible, are particularly demanding for the dominant. Thus, on those rare occasions when we get to act very passive in a scene, it feels like a precious luxury.
DO YOU REALLY HAVE NO LIMITS? Good bottoms know their limits, and can communicate them clearly. This is not only a right, it is a responsibility.
There are always limits, whether you state them or not. There are limits of physical safety, limits of understanding, and the all-important limits of what does or does not turn you on. If you haven’t already figured out what your limits are, later on we’ll explain more about how to find them.
Janet was once involved in a discussion with a woman who was a slave in a full-time master-and-slave relationship:
She told me, “No, I really have no power, I really have no limits. Whatever my master wants is OK with me.” I proposed, “Suppose your master woke up tomorrow morning and told you, ‘I’m tired of this S/M stuff. From now on, we’re only going to have gentle, consensual, egalitarian vanilla sex.’” There was a long pause. Finally, sheepishly, she answered, “You win. I’d be out of there in a minute.”
Pretending to play without limits, in our experience, tends to produce less intense scenes, as without a clear understanding of the bottom’s limits tops most often wind up doing much less than the bottom can enjoy, just to be on the safe side.
Accepting your limits is about accepting yourself. If the power exchange of S/M consists of giving your considerable power to a top, or giving your self over, then limits are about the parts of yourself, or your reactions, that are beyond your control (like ticklishness) and thus beyond your ability to offer. You can still give all you have to give of yourself to that wonderful person who wants to take all of you that she can get.
BRIDGING THE GAP BETWEEN FANTASY AND REALITY
THE common thread that seems to run through this section is that fantasy is not reality. Good players learn to handle reality first and use it as a foundation on which to build really hot fantasies. When you confuse fantasies with reality, you distance yourself from your power. Since S/M players eroticize power, you, as a bottom, must bring your power along or you have none to share.
The origins of our deepest urges toward BDSM, and the most profound of the roles we like to play, do not come from the responsible and adult part of us. The archetypes and emotions we explore arise from our primitive, uncivilized and shadowy parts. This is why the boundary between fantasy and reality is most important to understand and accept, so we can play in psychological as well as physical safety. And as we play deeper, this boundary can get blurred, and our play can seem more “real” than reality. So how do we establish boundaries for emotional safety?
It helps to be conscious of the boundary between “scene space” or “in the game” and out. We arrange to deal with reality outside of scene space so that we can enjoy the fantastic within it. You can even use the tension between fantasy and reality to heighten the excitement – often the heat is where the friction is.
HOW REAL IS THE ROLE? There is some difference of opinion within the BDSM world about choices between temporary and full-time roles. In some communities, rigid hierarchies are observed and full-time roles are the norm – tops in particular never bottom. It is very difficult to stay in role all the time, and such tops sometimes complain of getting tired and wanting some relief. It is equally difficult to bottom all the time, especially if nobody is topping you.
In other communities, roles are mostly dropped outside a scene, with some light roles assumed for purposes of flirtation, humor, and comfort. Many players switch roles with facility. Inevitably, some confusion and arguments arise as to when the players are in role and when they are not, which role they are in, or what they do when they both want to bottom or top at the same time.
You will hear a lot of judgments and criticism between these approaches: some folks proclaim that people who drop roles are not “real” tops or bottoms, while others complain about the rigid and oppressive quality of their communities. We believe that you can do good play from either position, or anywhere in between, as long as you are willing to be flexible and tolerant, and willing to support each other at those times when the “rules” don’t give you an answer to a difficulty you are having, and you need to stumble around by trial and error until you find your own solution.
Rule #1 of S/M: The rules don’t work every time.
THINKING WITH YOUR HEAD AND YOUR GONADS. The reason we cannot make rules that will protect us every time, or tell where the boundary should be in every situation, is that the desires we play with are not rational. The desire you may have to be utterly bottom, to be operated by and operated on by another, to be very small, to be owned: this desire is not reasonable. It is, however, powerful, and even the best bottoms have many a desperate argument with themselves on the subject of lust versus sanity.
Janet remembers:
I did a scene once in which I’d gone under very deeply although my usual bottoming style is “powerful masochist,” in this scene I’d gone into a very submissive, dependent, passive state of mind. When the scene was over, I began to cry uncontrollably. My partner was afraid he’d done something wrong, that I was angry, but when he got me to talk, all I could say was “I didn’t want to come back.”
Similarly, when we top we often need to rein in the part of us that wants to be godlike, and that becomes annoyed when our bottoms have the audacity to fail to enjoy what we have so graciously deigned to do to them!
We bottom in order to go to places within ourselves and with our partners that we cannot get to without a top. To explore these spaces, we need someone to push us over the edge in the right ways, and to keep us safe while we’re out there flying.
The games we play have the power to bypass our customary psychological defenses, giving us access to amazing experiences and awarenesses. For emotional safety, we establish ways to take care of each other while we are defenseless. Bottom power comes from the gut-level realization that you deserve respect for your vulnerability, and care and support from those who take you down… and thus get to ride along with you on your journey.
WRITING NEW RULES. What makes S/M work at all is that, in order to play, we intentionally alter the customary rules of personal responsibility, and enter into a ritualized codependency. The ritual is what makes it possible, and safe, to travel in the uncharted psychological territory of bottom space. Janet says:
When I teach my classes for novice tops, I say: “Normally, you have a ‘bubble’ of protectiveness you put around yourself to prevent yourself from being physically or emotionally hurt. When you agree to top someone, you’ve just agreed to put that bubble around you and your partner for the duration of the scene.”
Time and experience usually make tops and bottoms better at operating these boundaries – so if you’re feeling desperately confused right now, don’t worry, it’ll undoubt-eldy get easier soon. Experienced players become adept at dropping out of role or scene space to take care of a bit of troublesome reality, and equally skilled at dropping right back in to continue having fun. A ritual – say, putting on and taking off a collar – can serve to define the rules of play and the boundaries between you. Many different rituals will serve your purpose. Don’t worry about which ritual is “correct,” but look for the rituals that work for you.
We have both found that experience has enabled us to explore more deeply and profoundly, playing roles that involve going down into very primitive parts of ourselves. The deeper the play, the more risky – and rewarding – it can be.
In its finest form, S/M is a form of psychodrama with tremendous possibilities for self-knowledge and transformation, which is why some players say that S and M stand for sex magic. We must remember that this is a very powerful form of magic, worthy of our greatest respect.
Somewhere between fantasy and reality lies the full-power bottom’s role in S/M. When we give up our power, we feel more powerful. When we give up control, we feel freer. We encourage you to bring your full power and all your greedy, nasty, raunchy, intense and horny lust to your play, until you pull up enough energy to devour the planet.
3
STAYING SAFE AND HAPPY
Before we launch you into the nitty-gritty of how to be the bottom of your (and everyone else’s) dreams, we want to do a quick check-in to make sure you know some of the basic ideas and skills you’ll need to stay physically and emotionally safe while you follow the advice in the rest of this book. If you’re an experienced bottom, much of this material may already be familiar to you, but the fundamentals always bear repeating – so here goes.
KNOW THYSELF. Before you can communicate your desires to a partner, it’s a good idea to know them yourself – not always easy when your head is full of a tangle of fantasies, beliefs and rumors about romance and sex and BDSM.
One of our favorite exercises to help straighten out the tangle is called “Yes/No/Maybe” – sex educators everywhere use it as a way to get people thinking and talking about their sexual needs and desires. You can do it by yourself, with a partner, or even with a group of friends.
We commonly do this exercise in groups or workshops to help people discover their desires and their limits. First, take a big piece of paper and make a list of all the sexual and BDSM activities you can think of, including those that you would not choose yourself.
Prefabricated lists now can be found in books and on the Internet… and we still recommend you make your own. Pay attention to how it feels to speak the words for forbidden and exciting acts of pleasure.
After you finish making the big list of all possible activities, take a regular piece of paper and mark three columns: YES, NO and MAYBE. In the YES column write all the items that you know you already like or clearly want to try. The NO column is for those things that are definitely outside your limits at this time, the things you do not want to try at all. The MAYBE column is for those things that you might like to do if it felt safe, or you were turned on enough, or your partner was confident enough, or you were confident enough. This is the exploration list.
Just in case you didn’t think of them, here are some activities that appear on the NO lists of many experienced players:
• Temporary marks like bruises, welts or shallow cuts
• Permanent marks like cuts or burns or tattoos
• Flowing blood of any sort
• Play with piss or shit
• Play with guns or knives
• Sexual or genital play or penetration
• Unsafe sex
• Parts of the body that don’t want to be touched, hit or whatever
• Gags or breathing constriction
• Use of intoxicants by top or bottom
• Health issues like poor circulation, allergies, joint problems
• Triggers (like “don’t slap my face, it reminds me of my abusive father”)
• Emotional limits (like “don’t tell me I’m bad,” “don’t tell me I’m small,” “I don’
t play with abandonment”)
• Hypersensitivities (like tickling, or “don’t touch my clit right after I come,” or…)
After the list is made, give yourself some time to think. Go back over your YES list, and mark with an N those items that you feel you NEED, in the sense that without these things the scene is not worth doing. For instance, for some people a scene needs to include some orgasmic activity. A scene may not be a scene without pain, or without bondage, or without service. Your needs are the items that are essential to you, and are not negotiable: if a prospective top doesn’t want to do these, you probably wouldn’t have enough in common to play with that person.
You can mark the remaining items, including some in the MAYBE column, with a W for WANT – these are the fascinating challenges that constitute the icing on the cake, and while we can get along fine without any one or two or three of them, without any icing at all that cake may become kind of, well, plain. Try writing all the items on your MAYBE list on cards and putting them in order from what feels safest to what feels scariest. You may learn something about yourself, and when you are ready for some risky exploration, start with the easiest item.
We strongly encourage you to try this exercise. You might also like to check out any of the good “negotiation checklists” available in other books and on some web sites – we like the one in SM101: A Realistic Introduction, but we’re prejudiced. Exercises and checklists can help you to know and accept your desires and limits: self-knowledge makes for powerful bottoming, and powerful bottoming makes for hot play!
The New Bottoming Book Page 3
