It was a reality-changing scene for both of us. Soon afterwards, C went on to explore his bottom space in real time – the last time I saw him he was a happy switch. I discovered a shaving kink I’d never known I possessed. And, based on the enthusiastic and slightly startled comments I got afterwards, several onlookers learned a bit more about their own turn-ons!
It’s easy to assume that, since no physical force is being exerted, you don’t need to negotiate your limits or needs. On the contrary, we both know people who have experienced unexpected and genuine emotional trauma from chatroom encounters: our suggestion is that you negotiate them as carefully as you would a physical scene. You can use the “Yes/No/Maybe” exercise we describe on page 34, or any one of several negotiation checklists available on-line, as a jumping-off point.
NEWSGROUPS AND BULLETIN BOARDS are environments in which people can post messages which everybody can read, just like a bulletin board on which people could tack up notes. The best-known newsgroup environment is called Usenet, and offers tens of thousands of groups for every interest, including yours. Some newsgroups are “moderated,” which means that someone keeps an eye on what’s posted there to keep out unsolicited advertisements (known as “spam”), insulting or haranguing posts (known as “flames”), and off-topic discussion. Other groups are unmoderated, and have more of a free-for-all spirit. Some people prefer moderated groups for their relative calmness, others prefer the uncensored chaos of unmoderated groups.
People who post in newsgroups and bulletin boards are often longtime players with lots of experience to share, and a generous willingness to share it. You may have to comb through a lot of garbage to get to the gems, though. Some people enjoy starting fights in newsgroups by posting inflammatory questions or statements; these are known as “trolls” and are universally loathed. In addition, there’s no way to know which newsgroup posters are knowledgeable and which are not, unless you hang out long enough to get a sense of who seems sensible and experienced… which we recommend that you do.
PRIVATE MAILING LISTS are a bit like newsgroups in that messages get posted for people to read at their convenience. However, posts to a mailing list get sent to a central entity, which then copies them and sends them to the e-mail addresses of all the subscribers, so you receive them in your inbox along with your other e-mail.
Many mailing lists are regional (some are set up especially to announce local BDSM events), and others are for discussion of specific topics. Some particularly knowledgeable, respected or charismatic leaders in the kink communities maintain private mailing lists for their fans or followers, and some kink-related businesses might have mailing lists which they use to announce new products or special offers. Most mailing lists are at least somewhat moderated, usually by the individual who runs the list.
Mailing lists can be extremely useful in that they can be tailored especially for your particular interest, and some are very specialized indeed: if you like to be spanked by left-handed carpenters of Latino ancestry, there’s probably a mailing list for you. If not, you can start one!
WHAT’S THE SAME? WHAT’S DIFFERENT?
The Internet has certainly brought a lot more novice players into the real-time scene than either of us ever imagined possible. Your first steps into physical interaction are going to be very similar whether you started with a book, a website, a workshop, or a thought in your head and a hand between your legs. Some things will be less wonderful than you imagined and some will be even more wonderful… you’ll probably even discover terrific new things to do that you never even thought of before.
Here are some of the discoveries you may make when you have your first encounter with physical reality:
PEOPLE. The tops in your fantasies are such good mind-readers, aren’t they? Not only do they dominate you in exactly the way that transports you to ecstasy, but they look, dress and sound just as you want them to!
Whether the tops who live in your head were created exclusively by your own fertile imagination, or whether they moved in after you met them on a website, in a magazine, or during a professional domination session, we think it’s a safe bet that they don’t look or act much like the tops you’ll meet in real life. Real tops have love handles, troubles at work, moments of guilt and insecurity, and all the other problems that you, or anybody else, might have. They don’t usually look like the tops in magazines or on websites, and the kind of scene they want to do with you might not match up in every particular with the kind of scene you’ve been masturbating to in your favorite John Preston or Pat Califia book for years and years.
And what about you? In your fantasies, you might be spectacularly beautiful or handsome, infinitely submissive and pliable, as flexible as a yogi and masochistic enough to take anything anybody wants to dish out. In reality, we bet, you’re not. We’re not, anyway. And you may feel shy, guilty or inadequate because you don’t match up with the fantasy bottom in your head.
We’re big fans of flexibility. The top who looks nothing like your fantasy creature might be hot, creative and empa-thetic once the dungeon door closes. The scene that includes activities you’d never even considered might turn out to be the biggest turn-on imaginable. Trying to fit every dominant you meet into an exact match for the dominants who live in your head is a surefire recipe for disaster, and disrespectful besides.
And likewise – you’re pretty swell too. Not perfect, of course, but who is? Instead of mourning what you’re not, make a resolution to celebrate what you are – the cute, sexy bottom who’s willing to explore and to do your best to make each and every scene a success.
THAT DARNED REALITY. As far as we know, nobody’s ever been impotent on-line – since your playing field is your imagination, you get to have an erection as huge and durable as you want… even if you’re female. Likewise, in cyberspace, nobody’s flogging arm ever gets tired and nobody ever gets a cramp in their foot.
Real-world play, while it has its own satisfactions, doesn’t offer these advantages. Tops and bottoms in the real world get tired and sweaty, we get cramps and aches, our bodies sometimes refuse to cooperate just when we most want them to. Cyberplay doesn’t necessarily do a good job of preparing us for such minor disappointments and interruptions: be prepared to process them lovingly with plenty of reassurance for yourself and your partner when necessary, and remind yourself that the joys of the flesh more than compensate us for its weaknesses.
SENSATIONS. One friend of ours played with a bottom who told him she was very experienced, a heavy masoch-ist with a particular fondness for canes. But the first time he gave her a moderate-strength cane stroke, she safeworded. Surprised, he backed off, did a bit more warmup, and tried again – and she safeworded again. At that point he stopped the scene to find out what was wrong… and discovered that she had never received an actual physical caning before, although she’d been “cyber-caned” on many occasions.
This is, perhaps, an extreme example, but it points out an important issue. Play doesn’t always feel the same way in reality that it did in your fantasies. That gloriously submissive kneeling posture may set off intolerable aching in your knees and thighs, that “Pulp Fiction”-like leather hood might actually make it hard for you to breathe, doing your dominant’s dishes may feel pretty much like, well, doing dishes, and that sexy wooden frat paddle may just be a bit too much for your very first spanking.
Even if your fantasies, or your reading, or your cyber-play, have been extraordinarily intense, we strongly counsel caution and going slowly during your first steps into physical reality. Some experiences will feel much worse than you thought they would, some will feel about the way you imagined them, and some will feel much, much better – and there’s plenty of time to explore them all. Be honest about your experiences and feelings and take the time to savor each new experience.
WHERE THE FANTASY ENDS. The nice thing about all your hot bottomy fantasies is that when one of them starts to feel boring or excessive, you simply stop having it for a while. W
hen you begin to explore that fantasy in real life, you may find that being tied up and parked in a corner feels very very exciting… for about twenty minutes. Then, you start to wonder what’s on TV.
As thrilling and compelling as your fantasies might be, we recommend a slow and careful approach, trying a little bit today and a little bit more tomorrow. You’d probably much rather do a scene that leaves you wanting more than one that leaves you feeling bored, angry, overwhelmed or turned off – and remember, there’s always plenty of time for exploration!
5
CONNECTING
In this book we teach you how to be a good bottom, an exceptional bottom, even a great and sought-after bottom. With the skills you will learn here, you can pursue your wildest fantasies with confidence.
One of the most important qualifications you need in order to become a bottom is… at least one top. For many folks, unfortunately, this is easier said than done. There are typically more bottoms than tops in any given S/M scene, and good tops – skilled, empathetic, ethical and uninhibited — are a rare and precious commodity.
If you read this book and take it to heart, we guarantee that you will have made yourself a better and hence more desirable bottom. But building a better bottom doesn’t necessarily mean that the world will beat a path to your ass. How can people know what a spectacular and devoted bottom you are if they’ve never met you?
Here are a few ways that people we know have found tops – as one-time play partners, for ongoing play relationships, and even as life partners.
ADS AND SUCH. Placing and answering personal ads can and does pay off for many people – and now, with many newspapers, magazines, Usenet newsgroups, private mailing lists and World Wide Web sites offering personal ads, you have a lot more options in terms of what you can say and where you can say it.
Who cruises the ads? Probably a lot of people more or less like you. If you’ve never placed or answered a personal ad before, you might believe that only losers use the ads. But actually, advertisers and answerers come from a wide range of fairly ordinary folk – maybe not conservative enough to restrict their choices to their church’s singles group, but wanting something more connected and intelligent than trying to pick up partners in a bar where loud music and alcohol make conversation virtually impossible. Both of us have had experiences in which we’ve answered a personal ad and found out that the person on the other end was already a friend of ours – which may sound a little embarrassing but can actually led to a decision to try out a little friendly play. (“Hey, I never knew you were into that!”)
There is a normal progression to how you meet someone from the ads. You respond to an ad, or get a response to yours, either by e-mail or, if the ad is in the paper, by voice mail. After some back-and-forth communication in these modes, you exchange phone numbers and chat on the phone. If the future still looks rosy, or at least attractive, then you arrange to meet in person for a coffee date or the like, with no intention of leaping into bed or the dungeon. In the argot of the ads, the first meeting is where you determine if there is “chemistry,” by which they mean magic, which really means whether there’s a spark of attraction between you and the other person. These meetings – by e-mail, phone and in person – are all opportunities to share information about likes and dislikes, to decide if this person wants to play the same game as you do.
If you decide that you’re ready to try placing an ad, read pages 33 to 35 about the Yes/No/Maybe exercise and do it by yourself before you write your ad, so that you’re working from good clear knowledge of what you’re looking for and what doesn’t interest you. You also need to be working from a lot of knowledge about yourself. Some people get together with a friend for support when writing an ad: your friend can help you brainstorm a list of things that are attractive about you (melting eyes, incisive wit, playfulness, intelligence, creativity, sensuality and the like). Or, if you must write alone, start out by writing down a list of ten attributes that would make someone very lucky to get you.
If age, appearance or body image are worrying you, fear not. The people who cruise the ads come in all shapes and sizes themselves, and many recognize that being sexy is not the exclusive province of the young and thin. If you put yourself out there honestly, then you’re likely to reach someone who honestly wants you – whereas if you’re dishonest, all you’ll catch is someone who wants somebody else, which won’t do you any good at all.
Some information you might want to include in your ad: your gender, age range, body type, particular kinds of play that interest you, kinds of play that don’t interest you, any extenuating factors such as existing relationship commitments or busy work schedules, and what kind of relationship you want (Long-term committed or just-for-fun? Monogamous or open? Basically egalitarian, or an ongoing exchange of power?). Do not fib about any of these items – that’s dishonest and a terrible way to start off a relationship.
Print ads vary widely in terms of what they’ll let you say about your BDSM desires – be as clear about your interests and playstyle as the paper you’re advertising in will allow. Gay and lesbian papers usually give greater latitude than heterosexually oriented or mainstream papers, although some urban lifestyle weeklies are pretty open-minded. If you live in an area with conservative papers that don’t allow words like “dominant,” “submissive,” “S/M,” “top” and “bottom,” consider yourself lucky if you can place an ad that clearly conveys your interests at all. Try catch-phrases such as “meek,” “obedient,” “strong sensation,” “overwhelmed,” etc., or talk about works of literature that are S/M-oriented.
Kink-oriented newsgroups, mailing lists and websites are relatively uncensored, so you can be quite explicit about what you want and what you have to offer. Be sure that the group you’re posting to allows personal ads – very few discussion-only groups and lists do, and if you post an ad in one of these groups, you can expect to find your inbox full of nasty e-mails the next day. However, there are plenty of groups that are specifically oriented toward personals, or that allow all forms of content including personals.
No matter what venue you choose for your ad, be sure to do lots of up-front communication with potential tops before you actually play. Back in Janet’s novice-top days (which took place in a smaller community than San Francisco), she used to meet potential bottoms almost exclusively by answering their personal ads. Her first letter or call to them was an instruction to “write down your most submissive fantasy and send it to me.”
FIRST-TIME MEETINGS. Even after you’ve exchanged a lot of e-mails and phone calls and letters and such, it’s a good idea to be very, very careful about your first face-to-face meeting.
Good ways to meet a new friend for the first time might include meeting at a public gathering such as a club meeting or a “munch” (a gathering of kinky folks in a non-kink setting such as a restaurant or bar). Or you might meet in a public place such as a restaurant; scout around until you can find one with a busy and well-lit parking lot or entrance so you can walk safely to and from your transportation. Do not meet an unknown potential play partner in her home, or in a private place such as an abandoned outdoor location.
And wherever you’re meeting your partner, make sure someone knows where you are, who you’ll be with, and when you’re due back, and the person you’re meeting knows that you’ve shared that information. This advice holds true regardless of your gender or orientation.
When it comes time for an actual play date, we counsel the use of a “silent alarm” (sometimes called a “safe call”). You make arrangements with a trusted friend: the friend knows who you’re with, where, and for what purpose. Your play partner knows you’ve made this agreement with an outsider.
You agree to call your friend at a time after you’re sure your date should be over. You may want to agree on a “code word” you can include in your conversation to let your friend know that you’re OK, and a different “code word” that says “I’m in trouble, get help.” If your friend doesn
’t receive the call at the appointed time, he is to assume you need help and act accordingly: you and the friend should decide together ahead of time what kind of action is appropriate, up to and including calling the police to go make sure that everything’s OK.
DO IT YOURSELF. Another way to find a top is to “build your own.” If you are already partnered and your partner is open to experimentation, or if you live in an area where there is no S/M community and thus little to no chance of finding an experienced and self-realized top, this may be your best bet.
If your top-to-be is a little freaked out by the whole idea, you’ll have to move slowly. Our book When Someone You Love Is Kinky is designed to help explain kinky play to vanilla folks and may be a good way to open up a discussion. It will also help you think through how you want to proceed if your friend/lover/partner/spouse wants nothing to do with the whole idea – which we hope won’t happen to you.
Once you’ve got your potential top ready to at least give it a try, the trick is to teach gently and slowly, to settle for less than you may want as she gets a sense of what leathersex is like, and to give lots of praise and appreciation (first-time topping can be very scary!). Be prepared to process well-meaning mistakes. Also be aware that your new top may know little or nothing about play except for the unrealistic, nonconsensual picture painted by S/M porn. Showing her your beloved copy of “Bullwhip Babes” and saying “See, this is what I want you to do to me” is almost sure to be a bad idea: learning to be a top, just like learning to walk, ride a bike or write a book, takes place one step at a time. Remember, there’s always a future, and you don’t have to do it all in your first session.
We have both heard of novice tops who have trouble distinguishing between BDSM play and abuse, not because they want to be abusive, but because they figure that’s what bottoms “really” want. Realistic how-to books and magazines like those listed in the bibliography are an excellent antidote.
The New Bottoming Book Page 6
