It’s a good idea to learn what your decompression pattern looks like so you can tell your top what to expect: Dossie says “I sometimes get a little hyper, I want to talk, not sleep, but I’m really kind of stupid and I can’t remember which goes on first, my stockings or my shoes”; Janet says, “I get verbal again right away – sometimes even making puns or jokes or acting a little smart-assed – and tops think I’m back, but I’m not; I’m emotionally very fragile.”
Closure is not a chore (except the picking-up-the-toys part). It’s an invaluable time for intimacy and closeness, part of the scene’s rewards for both people. Your boundaries are down and it’s going to take a while for them to come back up – why not relax and enjoy it?
Here are some of the ways we like to close and decompress:
• Having sex or an orgasm
• Taking a nice hot bubble bath
• Being put into a flannel nightie or PJs and tucked in – with the top there to cuddle us
• Doing something to get back up into our heads, like going to a movie (only somebody else better drive!). Janet remembers:
I’d done a submissive scene at a Saturday night party that put me way under. My top had me sleep in my collar, and I woke up the next morning still deeper than the lost continent of Atlantis. I served him breakfast and sat on the floor at his feet reading the newspaper… and somewhere In the middle of the Datebook section I drifted back up, thought “Hey, wait a minute, this is me,” and wanted the collar off right away.
• Having something to eat or drink together (Janet is notorious for craving donuts and milk after a scene)
• Moving around or doing something, like taking a walk together
• Curling up for a snuggle to savor the connection
LATER. After you’re both pretty sure you’re back to your day-to-day selves, you might want to talk briefly about the scene – what worked for you, what didn’t, what you’d like to try next time. But we suggest you leave the detailed discussion for the following day, when you’re one hundred percent yourself again.
Even if the scene went badly, try not to be judgmental or harsh in discussing it with your top: it’s virtually certain that she was doing her best. Be constructive, and be sure to talk about those aspects of the scene that did work for you. And don’t forget to express your appreciation and affection.
Remember, topping, like bottoming, entails a significant emotional risk. One good reason to try topping, if you can, is so you can experience firsthand the vulnerable feeling it entails. We once heard of a therapist who explained, “the subconscious doesn’t understand consensuality.” Your top is engaging in activities that at some level are scary and guilt-producing – a harsh or critical judgment from you can be devastating. If you want to criticize, do so gently, and use a lot of “I” and “me” statements: not “the clamps were awful,” but “the clamps didn’t work for me.”
Good tops can hear feedback, and good bottoms can offer it without blaming or guilt-tripping. Work constructively with your top toward figuring out what can be improved – so you can have an even better, hotter scene next time.
WHEN THE GAME IS OVER. Doing BDSM can be so fulfilling, so magical, so extraordinary that we hate to see our scene end. The desire to stay in role or to go on experiencing these marvelous sensations can be so compelling that we feel anger toward the partners, or toward the pressing real-world issues, that make us need to stop and go back into our day-to-day personas.
Remember, tops may have a “Forever Place” too. The feeling of being invulnerable, in control, impervious, is very compelling. Help your top stay flexible enough to come out of role by making sure that he is sure of your friendship and affection even when he shows vulnerability: tops sometimes worry that you’re only interested in their top persona and not in their real-world persona.
Similarly, as bottoms, we feel that one of the wonderful things about play is that it gives us a safe space in which to be boundary-less and will-less, a vacation from the responsibilities of everyday life. We hope this book will help you develop the flexibility to be able to assert your boundaries and make your own decisions outside scene space, and the ability to return from scene space to the rest of your life, so that giving up power in scene is a delicious contrast and a safe adventure.
10
PLAYING: SCRIPTS, SCENES, ROLES…
When you think about the many and varied scenes and roles you might choose to explore, you might recognize a continuum of apparent intensity of dominance – from analytically collaborative, through nurturing and supportive, to harsh and frightening. It’s important to remember, however, that all scenes are collaborative at heart in that they require the active cooperation of top and bottom in order to succeed. A lot of BDSM folk distinguish between bottoms who are submissive and those who are masochistic – you often hear such people state, “I’m a submissive, not a bottom” or vice versa. We’re not sure the lines are all that clear, or that it’s all that good an idea to support such binary or even hierarchical thinking. So, instead of a dualistic model with S/M and D/S in opposition or in distinctly separate pigeonholes, we see a continuum, with some scenes getting more of their heat from control and power, and others depending more on sensation – but with virtually all scenes containing at least some aspects of each. Thus, instead of labeling ourselves and expecting the world to figure out what we mean by the label, we’ve both found it easier to describe what kinds of scenes we like and who we like to do them with.
Please keep in mind as we discuss these various scenes that very few scenes fit classically into any one pigeonhole: it’s typical, for example, for a mistress/slave scene to have governess/child or captor/captive overtones. As we explore scenes we’ve seen, heard about, and participated in, please view them as inspirations, not as rigid scripts or categories.
Another point of difference from one scene to the next is genital sexuality. Whether you choose to include sex in your scene depends partly on the nature of the scene – it may not be appropriate for a mommy to fuck her baby, or for a footstool to get fucked at all – or it may be a function of your own, or your top’s, individual limits. You can choose to have sex within your scene if that seems appropriate, you can finish the scene and the role and then have sex out of role, or you can choose not to have sex at all (at least not with your partner at that time… you can always have sex with yourself later, fueled by hot memories!).
Sex is often overlooked or underemphasized during negotiation – many of us are still shy about forthright discussion of our sexual needs, wants and intentions. But it deserves and needs full negotiation and attention or someone’s feelings are likely to get hurt when what she gets isn’t a good match for what she expects, needs or wants. And we all need to master clear communication about sex to maintain our safer sex standards.
BONDAGE
IN A pure bondage scene, the heat comes mainly from the top’s control of the bottom’s movement and/or senses. The trip for a bottom in such a scene is receiving permission to do absolutely nothing except experience sensation… “Wow, my top wants me to feel all these intense things.” The delightfully passive and helpless feeling of “getting done” often also includes a strong sense of being desired and desirable… “I’m tied up and helpless and she’s still sticking around to do all these marvelous things to me.” Bottoms often feel very taken care of in such scenes.
The bondage itself contributes to the turn-on: many people build up a lot of muscle tension as they approach orgasm, so having the rope or chain to pull and yank on lets us build up a more intense state of arousal. Many are also turned on by the sensuousness of rope and the intricate complexities of knots. There can be a surprising, trancelike eroticism in the experience of immobilization. Or the bondage may be secondary, a way to get you to stay put for whatever other stimulations your tops may have in mind for you.
Sensations during bondage may range from no stimulation at all – which is called sensory deprivation – to the gentlest
and lightest of stroking, to intense sexual stimulation and/or pain. Many tops love to boast about how long they can keep their bottoms orgasming, or how many orgasms they can give a bottom. Being brought to orgasm “against one’s will” is such an overwhelming feeling that some bottoms perceive it as intrusive or even painful, and others find it intensely delightful.
Bondage for a lengthy scene, whether it’s about pain, sex or both, needs to be comfortable, so that you can set up the bondage and then stay with it for a while. Those wicked-looking leather cuffs with the studs are often padded or fur-lined to coddle your wrists and ankles, so you can yank on them to your heart’s content. Let your top know if your circulation is being cut off, or if a muscle is being painfully stretched. We find it worthwhile to spend some time fussing over the bondage at the beginning to prevent interruptions later.
Bondage can also be supportive. Standing bondage, where the wrists are tied to something overhead, lets you rest your weight on the restraints, and lying on your back with your legs tied up is much easier than holding them up by yourself. Bondage is supportive on the psychological level, too: when your top ties you up, it gives you clear permission to bottom.
Bondage can be purely decorative, and those of us who are turned on to rope can spend many happy hours making a rope body harness, or a corset, or duplicating Japanese or Bettie Page bondage from pictures.
Bondage can in itself be painful or demand endurance – eroticizing endurance is a major component of Japanese rope bondage. One way to play this is to put someone in fairly constricting bondage, then tighten a part to the point of pain, then demand that the bottom deal with it for a short period of time, perhaps a count of five. Or you can be placed in bondage which starts out relatively comfortable and grows more strenuous the longer you stay in it (with frequent check-ins to ensure that nerves and blood vessels are not being dangerously constricted). Take care not to stretch joints and muscles too far: we don’t want to achieve bondage by Ace bandage for the next two weeks.
Bondage can also play an important role in capture and captivity scenes, which we’ll discuss under “Rough and Tough” later in this chapter. After all, how can you possibly capture someone without tying them up?
Total immobilization is technically difficult and requires lots of practice… but trying to immobilize somebody can be hot in and of itself, and as even a partial immobilization can be very effective, who’s to say the time we spend learning is wasted? Dossie has been in bondage so complete that she just plain forgot that she could move for several hours. Mummification, as you might guess, is immobilization by wrapping the body entirely in rope, Ace bandages, strips of cloth, duct tape over plastic wrap, or plastic wrap alone (don’t forget that you will want to breathe!). Bandage scissors should be kept nearby, both for quick release in emergencies and to open up the mummy at sensitive spots to apply whatever stimulation seems appropriate. Full body bags of leather, canvas and other sturdy materials are also a very hot way to mummify, but can be a big investment.
BONDAGE SAFETY. It is possible, although uncommon, to get injured if you and your top aren’t careful with bondage. Be sure to tell your top about any unpleasant-feeling pull on muscles, tendons or ligaments. Although pins and needles or numbness in your hands and feet aren’t a major emergency, they’re a good reason to readjust the bondage to prevent nerve injuries – and any bondage that hurts in a bad way should be adjusted immediately.
If you’re tied up, you are helpless to at least some degree, and vulnerable to real-world emergencies like fires and earthquakes: nobody should ever be left alone while in bondage, especially very restrictive or standing bondage.
Standing bondage is demanding on the circulation, especially when your top is busily attracting all your blood to below your waist: there may not be enough left to operate your brain. Tell your top if you start to feel dizzy or nauseated. You may be tempted to carry on a little longer because you’re having such a good time, but you won’t be able to carry on at all if you throw up or faint… so let your top know what’s going on with you; you can always continue the scene once you get horizontal.
Use padded wrist cuffs with your arms spread apart, so if your weight falls suddenly you won’t break a wrist or dislocate a shoulder. Don’t allow any vulnerable parts of your body, like your neck or your genitals, to be tied to a stationary object like an eyebolt, unless the rest of your body is well enough supported to protect them if you fall.
Many tops like to add “panic snaps” to standing bondage so they don’t have to lift their bottom’s weight in case of a faint; a winch, so you can be lowered gradually and comfortably to the ground, is an even better idea. Fainting is also common when the scene is over and your arms are let down, so be extra-careful during this time.
COLLABORATIVE BONDAGE. Some bondage scenes are so technically demanding that they require full cooperation and ongoing communication between the top and the bottom – full suspension bondage, in which ropes must be placed with tremendous care and precision, is a good example. In such a technically complex scene, the top and the bottom may work together toward a mutual goal of sensation, and neither of them may feel the need to go into role or to get out of intellect in order to do it.
Dossie has participated in full-body suspension scenes requiring as much as five hours to set up and enjoy; throughout the scene, she was required to communicate in accurate detail about her sensations so that the ropes could be placed in the proper locations and with the proper tightness.
Many bondage scenes start out collaboratively, then shift in tone – applying bondage safely and thoroughly requires considerable cooperation from the bottom. Once you are securely tied up, you may play a non-collaborative scene that involves struggling, squirming, begging and other delights, and having comfortable bondage will add immeasurably to the pleasure of such a scene.
The benefit to collaborative scenes is that they offer a safe way to experience mind-blowing sensations. They are easy on the top in that she doesn’t have to wonder about the bottom’s state of mind or whether consent is still meaningful. Such scenes may be the best way to play with someone for the first time, particularly if you’re feeling at all unsure about the person or if either of you is a novice.
However, they do require that you stay in your mind and body; you may or may not find that you can still get “trancey” and high as you give good feedback to your top. In Dossie’s aforementioned suspension scene, after literally hours of trial and error, with much discussion, the suspension was finally accomplished and Dossie was hanging in the air in a web of rope. The top rang a chime in her ear, and she instantly shot off, entranced, into a deep and meditative bottom space.
SENSORY DEPRIVATION. Bondage often goes with sensory deprivation: with earplugs, a blindfold, possibly a head hood, and plastic wrap around the fingers and toes so you can’t even feel your own skin, you will not know where your top is until he touches you or speaks near enough to your ears so that you can hear. Bottoms lose their time sense in the altered state of sensory deprivation, so we recommend that tops make contact frequently the first couple of times you try this scene, until you learn what your limits are.
Sensory deprivation can also be much simpler: a blindfold is a very potent toy. Taking away the visual sense makes the bottom less powerful and more dependent, gives her a gratifying sense of helplessness, and tends to turn off verbal and intellectual consciousness. The focus goes inward, and any touch, painful or sensual, becomes terrifically intensified. For an added attraction, blindfolds offer some protection to new or nervous tops, as their bottoms can’t see them fumbling with an unfamiliar toy.
Earplugs provide a feeling of floating, totally disconnected from reality, completely focused on sensation. Earplugs actually only cut some of your hearing – even if you use the foam ones from the drugstore, and add fur earmuffs over, you will be able to hear your top when she is close, but not when she is farther away than about four feet. In a scene with more than one top, the tops
can hold conversations out of earshot of a person wearing earplugs. Earphones with music can provide more complete isolation.
A few players get a heady rush from breath control, by choking with the hands or cutting off air in a gas mask, often simultaneously with sexual stimulation. This is advanced and very risky play; such constriction can cut off impulses to the nerve that controls your heartbeat, landing you in a coffin and your top in prison. If breath control play turns you on, we suggest that you learn a lot about it and then proceed very slowly with great caution. Taking choking to the point of blacking out is dangerous, and multiple blackouts extremely so. Some people practice autoerotic asphyxiation by putting themselves in bondage that constricts the neck and masturbating. Autoerotic asphyxiation kills hundreds yearly, and we do not advocate it under any circumstances.
Gags, a safer alternative, change the senses not only by removing your ability to speak (you can usually still grunt and moan) but also by forcing you to breathe more slowly, and thus relax more. The intrusion of the gag into the mouth changes perception by providing a constant stimulus in a place you normally have as your own. Gags also give you permission to bite, in much the same way that bondage gives you permission to struggle.
People vary widely in their physical ability to tolerate gags. A sore jaw is a good reason to limit either the length of time gagged, or the size of the gag. If your nose is stuffed up, either get a good shot of nasal decongestant spray beforehand or don’t allow yourself to be gagged at all. Your top should stay extra-close to you at all times when you’re gagged. Remember to negotiate a non-verbal safeword before the gag goes in!
The New Bottoming Book Page 9
