Okay, this was getting freaky. Olivia furiously attacked her chewing gum until her jaw started to ache.
“Did you turn to God during those tragic times? Or, did you turn away from God?”
Olivia’s gaze darted toward the door. One more question like that, and she didn’t care what anyone thought, she would be out of here.
Erik’s hand slipped under hers. His fingers curled around hers. She swung her head toward him and stared into his face. Was he in on this? What was happening here? Had he told them? Again her gaze flew to the door. It was looking better and better with each passing second.
Gently, Erik squeezed her hand. She slowly looked at him again, hoping her heart didn’t show everything she was thinking.
“It’s okay, Livvy,” he whispered.
Livvy? Did he just call her Livvy? She squirmed in her seat.
“So many times when bad things happen,” the man playing the guitar started to talk again. “We want to blame someone. So we end up blaming God. But let me tell y’all. The devil is a deceiver. If he can somehow get you to believing that God is your enemy, then he has succeeded in what he set out to do. And that is, to destroy your relationship with Christ.”
Is that what she’d been doing? Listening to the lies of the devil? Had he deceived her into believing God was her enemy? Olivia closed her eyes. She didn’t know what to think anymore. After all, God could have prevented her loved ones’ deaths, but He didn’t. And what kind of a loving God allows a small child to be left to the mercy of a wicked aunt? Fresh anger assaulted her as she realized the devil hadn’t deceived her. The facts were, God had let them die, and then He sent her to live with an aunt from Hades, totally disregarding her prayers. No, God was definitely to blame.
“If that’s you, I challenge you to give those things to Him today as we continue to worship Him. Ask Him to heal those hurts. He is the only One who can.”
Olivia pulled her hand from Erik’s and crossed her arms. Yeah right. Like God would listen to her. He hadn’t before, so what made that man think He would listen to her today. She glanced around the room. These people were the ones who were deceived. They believed in a God Who cared about them. A God Who would heal their hurts. Well, could God bring back her loved ones? No. Had He ever cared about what she wanted? No. Not one little bit. And she didn’t care who tried to tell her differently. They were wrong. She had the broken, destitute heart to prove it.
After the worship was over, a man wearing a neatly pressed shirt and slacks walked up to the podium.
“I was thinking about what Bruce said today.” He glanced at the worship leader and then back toward the congregation. “When my wife and my four children died…”
Olivia’s chin jerked upward, and her attention collided onto the pastor.
“I knew I couldn’t make it without God’s help. I needed Him.”
Why? she wanted to scream.
“Someone asked me one day. Why are you still serving God after he killed your family?”
Olivia wanted to know the answer to that one too.
“First of all, God didn’t kill my family. An inexperienced driver on icy roads caused the accident that took them. Not God.”
Yeah, but He could have prevented it.
“To be honest, I don’t have all the answers as to why this happened. All I know is, I’m grateful that when tragedy struck, my foundation in Christ was solid. My relationship with Him wasn’t based on what He did or didn’t do for me. It was based on a loving, trusting relationship no matter what.”
That’s a loving relationship? Killing your wife and children? Bitterness churned inside her, rising to the surface of her soul faster than a spewing geyser. Well, buddy, you can have it.
“I can’t even count the number of times I reread the story of Joseph. Talk about someone who understood suffering. His own brothers sold him into slavery. One tragedy after another happened to him. But in all that time, he never once cursed God. He clung to God. His hope was in his God. He knew God would see him through every vile thing he was going through. In fact.” He opened his Bible and rustled some pages. “In Genesis chapter fifty, verse twenty, Joseph told his brothers, ‘But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good.’”
Whoa. Another déjà vu thing. Without turning her head, she looked at Erik. Just recently, he’d said something very similar to her. Someone had to have told this man just what she’d been going through, and she wanted to know who it was. Anger snapped over the anger already there. Someone was going to answer for putting her in this unbearable, totally awkward position.
“In the midst of my tragedy, I clung to that scripture. Like Joseph, I knew something good would eventually come from the worst time in my life. One good thing that came from it was I experienced God’s sustaining power.”
Oh yeah? Where was His sustaining power when my loved ones died?
“During my grieving process, the more I turned to God, the more I learned about entering into His rest, His peace. Continually, I cried out to God to keep me from doing what Hebrews chapter three, verse twelve says, ‘Beware, brethren, lest there be in any of you an evil heart of unbelief in departing from the living God.’ It would have been so easy for me to run away from God instead of to Him. After all, I couldn’t understand how he could allow my family to be killed, especially when it was my daily habit to pray for their protection. Except for that day.”
Well, she had prayed for Hammond’s protection, and he still died. So obviously even doing it right didn’t guarantee God’s favor.
“I beat myself up for the longest time. I even started to shun God. Then one day a dear friend showed me that it was my guilt that was keeping me from running to God.”
A chink fell out of the self-erected fortress wall she’d spent years building. The one that shielded her heart from any further hurt. Had her guilt in killing her parents kept her from turning to God?
“My friend encouraged me to cast the care of that guilt over onto the Lord. At first it was hard. I felt I deserved to suffer because I hadn’t prayed that day. But each time the devil reminded me of that fact, I knew I had to make a choice. We all do. We can either turn to God or turn away from Him. Praise the Lord, because of the wise counseling of my friend, I turned to Him.”
Well, good for you. Throw you a Bozo button. I’m so glad you had it all together and I didn’t. Well, mister, there’s one major difference between your story and mine. You said it yourself that some inexperienced driver killed your family. Well, it was my prayers that killed my parents.
No longer able to stand the battle raging inside her, Olivia leapt out of her seat and bolted out the door. Tears blurred her vision as she ran outside and into the woods behind the church. Erik and Audra called after her, but she pushed her legs faster and harder. Not caring where she ended up, she continued running until her lungs burned and she could no longer breathe. She hid behind a large oak tree and gulped in huge quantities of air, only stopping the breaths long enough for Erik and Audra to run past her. As they did, she slid around the gigantic tree trunk, opposite of them and then darted off.
Confident she had escaped, she found another large oak tree, removed her sweater, laid it on the ground, and sat on it. She buried her head in her hands and wept.
“There you are.”
Olivia jerked her hands away from her face and slowly followed the long jean clad legs standing in front of her upward. Her eyes widened. “Hammond?”
“Oh, Livvy.” A twig snapped as Hammond knelt down and pulled her into his arms.
This couldn’t be happening. Hammond was—was dead.
Olivia stiffened. She refused to be comforted by the man who had let her believe he was dead all this time. Yanking courage to herself, she shoved him away and stood. “So it was you I saw at the airport. Why’d you run from me? What are you doing here? And where have you been?”
“No, Livvy. It’s me, Haskell. Not Hammond.”
Her forehead wrinkled. “Wha
t?” she blurted, shaking her head. Confusion yanked what remaining sanity she had from her. What was going on? She stared at the jacket she’d made for Hammond. “But… how did you…? You must be Hammond. That’s his jacket. He was wearing it the day he got on that plane. I don’t understand.” Her head swayed back and forth, threatening to pitch her heart and soul onto the hard ground. She ran her fingers through her long curls. “I don’t understand.” Black spots danced before her eyes. The nightmare continued. In slow motion, she drifted to the ground, but she never felt herself hit the hard surface.
Chapter Fourteen
In slow motion, Olivia slumped toward the ground. Before she hit the dirt floor of the forest, a stout man scooped her up. Anger exploded in Erik so forcefully he thought he would blow a header. “Put her down! Now!” Erik barked the order. His insides vibrated with a mixture of anger and fear.
Olivia’s eyes slowly rolled opened.
“I said put her down.” Erik clenched his fists at his side, ready to use them if necessary. Olivia’s bloodshot, sad, and desperate eyes ripped at his heart. He wanted to hold her in his arms and will all of her pain into himself.
“Haskell.” Her timid voice brought out the protective animal instinct inside of Erik. He took another step closer to the man she’d called Haskell.
Olivia squirmed in his arms. “Put me down.” Her voice was weak and shaky.
The man slowly released her but never took his eyes off of Erik.
“What’s going on here?” Erik looked at the stranger, then at Olivia.
She faced the man. “That’s what I’d like to know.” Olivia’s tone sounded stronger this time.
“Livvy.” Audra’s breathless voice drew his attention that direction. Audra closed the distance between them. Panting, she turned toward the man and asked, “Haskell? What are you doing here?”
“That’s what I’d like to know.” Disgust dripped from Olivia now. “And what are you doing with Hammond’s jacket?”
Haskell ran his hand over his face. “Livvy. I’m sorry. I never meant to frighten you. I only wanted to see you. Can we go somewhere?” He glanced at Erik. “I’ll explain it all then.”
“No. Tell me now.”
Yeah. Tell her now. Erik wanted to hear this too.
♥♥♥♥
Olivia couldn’t stop her insides or her knees from shaking. She picked up her sweater, laid it on a flat part of the large oak, and parked her backside onto the limb. Audra joined her, and Erik positioned his body sideways between Haskell and herself.
Haskell nodded and sighed. “Remember when I said I would explain to you someday why I was avoiding you?” He reached for her hand, but Olivia jerked it away.
His pained gaze went from Audra to Erik, then back to her. “Can we please talk in private?”
“No” She crossed her legs and straightened out her dress. “Quit stalling.”
Again he looked at Erik, then back at Olivia. “I don’t really know where to start. Until I knew for certain that Hammond was d—...” He closed his eyes and wet his lips. “I miss him something fierce.” His chest rose and fell before he opened his eyes that were now filled with moisture. “I felt so guilty that I couldn’t face you.”
Olivia frowned. “You couldn’t face me? Why?”
“Well, the reason Hammond left that day wasn’t because he wanted to get to the hot air balloon races. It was because he was mad at me.”
“You? Why?”
“Because. We got into a big fight.” Tears slipped down his cheeks, and he squatted down in front of her. “Oh, Livvy. It’s all my fault. Hammond would still be alive if it hadn’t been for me.”
Olivia tried to process what he’d just said. What did he mean it was his fault? It was hers. Just like it was her fault that her parents were killed too.
“Remember right before Hammond left to go to the airport and we all went and had lunch together?”
Woodenly, Olivia nodded.
“I couldn’t believe Hammond openly flirted with that waitress. And right in front of you too.” His head slid from side to side. He stood and paced in front of the tree. “I was livid with him.”
Olivia looked up at Erik. The soft compassion in his eyes, that was surely meant to comfort her, only deepened her embarrassment. Erik pitied her. Well, she didn’t want his pity. She tore her attention from him and put it back onto Haskell.
“After we got to the airport and they warned Hammond not to fly because of the weather, you got mad at him and said if he wanted to kill himself to go ahead, but you weren’t going to stand around and watch. Remember?”
Boy did she. She remembered that moment as if it were yesterday. Fresh guilt tore at her heart.
“After you left, Hammond and I got into a big argument. I told him what a selfish pig he was for not taking into consideration how you felt. He asked me what I was talking about. I lit into him that he never even considered how hard his flying in bad weather was for you.” Sympathy drifted through Haskell’s eyes and into her.
“He admitted he hadn’t even thought about that and had the decency to feel bad. But when I mentioned how hard it was for you to watch him openly flirt with other women, he laughed and said he was just having fun.” Haskell snorted. “Yeah, fun at your expense.”
He stopped pacing, looked at the ground, then back at her. “I told him it wasn’t funny and that he was being a jerk. That he was blessed to have you. And that I’d give anything if I had someone like you for my fiancée. Hammond was no dummy. I tried to look away before he saw the truth in my eyes. But I wasn’t fast enough. Hammond went ballistic. He accused me of being in love with you, of stabbing him in the back. He stormed out of the room and got into his plane and left.” Haskell captured her gaze. “The truth is. Hammond was right. I was in love with you. I still am.”
Olivia jumped to her feet. “You what?”
“I’m sorry. I couldn’t help myself. Look at you. You’re beautiful. You’re intelligent, talented, and so sweet. When we met you that day at Blackwater Falls, I knew you were the one for me.”
Whoa. This was too much for Olivia to absorb. She sat down again before she fell down from the shock of what she’d just heard.
“I told Hammond I was going to ask you out, but he said he’d beat me to it. Well, I loved him too much to go behind his back. But then, wasn’t that what I was doing by secretly loving you, by wishing it was I who was with you, and not him?”
What exactly was one supposed to say to something like that? “I… I didn’t know.”
“Of course you didn’t. No one knew. You see, Livvy.” He gave a quick glance at Audra and Erik, then knelt down in front of her again and clasped her hands in his. “I’m responsible for Hammond’s death. If I hadn’t made him angry, he would have never gotten in the plane. And he would be alive today.”
Even though Olivia’s brain was on overload, she had to know one more thing. “How did you get his jacket?”
“He tossed it at me right before he stormed out the door. I held onto it, knowing how special it was to him because you had made it for him. I was going to give it to him when he got back. But then he never…” His Adam’s apple rose and fell and a tear slid down his cheek. “I started wearing it so I would feel close to you and to him. That’s why I’m here. I had to see you.” He glanced nervously at Erik then back at her. “To be near you. The day you told me you were moving, I was so angry with you for leaving. First I lost Hammond, and then you. But then when I came to my senses, I realized you didn’t even know I was in love with you.”
Olivia pressed her fingertips against her forehead and shook her head. Shock, disbelief, relief and a million other emotions skittered through her soul. She wasn’t responsible for Hammond’s death? All this time, she thought she had made him so furious that he had to get as far away from her as possible.
One realization after another slammed into her. Perhaps she’d wronged God by blaming Him. Hammond did have a choice. In his anger, he’d made the wrong on
e. And that wrong choice had cost him his life. Just like Haskell felt guilty for Hammond’s death, she felt guilty for her parents’ death.
Like a bolt of lightning a new thought flashed through her mind, making her heart sink. Remorse flooded every inch of her being. Someone had told her a long time ago to be careful what you pray for. If only she would have known that the day her parents had left. Because that day, God had indeed answered her prayer.
“Livvy?” Erik reached out to her with only his voice and his gaze, but they were enough.
Olivia refused to let the tears backing up in her eyes flow. “Yes?”
“Are you okay?”
Olivia gave a nervous titter. There were those words again.
Haskell looked at her as if she’d lost her mind. And perhaps she had.
“No.” She jerkily shook her head. “And I’ll probably never be okay again.” With those words she rose. “I wanna go now.”
Everyone followed her, except Erik, who walked beside her. Again, he seemed to sense her need for silence because he said absolutely nothing. He just matched her stride for stride all the way out of the woods.
“Why did you run away from her at the airport?” Olivia heard Audra ask Haskell. “And how did you know where she was?”
“I’ve been following you.” He had the good sense to sound guilty about it. “When you checked in your luggage, and I heard what flight you were taking, I checked to see if they had any more available seats. I only wanted to make sure she was happy; to make sure she was okay. When I saw her running from church, crying. I followed her.”
“Well, I understand that, but don’t you know you frightened her half to death standing outside her living room window?” Audra bit out.
“What are you talking about? I never stood outside her window.”
Olivia stopped and spun toward Haskell. “Well, if it wasn’t you, then who was it?”
♥♥♥♥
That question haunted Erik all the way back to his pickup. He jogged over to Chase’s truck and told them not to worry; he’d see them later on. Erik was grateful that they were going to help his aunt this afternoon because she needed it. And Olivia needed him.
Coming Home: (Contemporary Christian Romance Boxed Set): Three Stories of Love, Faith, Struggle & Hope Page 15
