by Clare Kauter
He frowned, feeling around, and then finally pulled his hand out. In his palm sat the condoms I’d swapped out of his wallet in the bathroom earlier. I’d meant to throw them in the bin, but I must have absentmindedly put them in my bag instead. Ron’s face went bright red and he opened and closed his mouth a couple of times, obviously unable to think of anything to say.
Tim looked scandalised. “I hope you’ve checked the expiry date on those, young lady,” he said.
I glared at Tim and snatched my bag and condoms back from Ron.
“Satisfied?”
Ron nodded quickly and turned to John. “Uh – can we check your pockets?”
John nodded. “Of course,” he said, putting his hand in his pocket. “I don’t have anything other than my prayer beads and...”
He trailed off as he removed his hand and pulled out Ron’s wallet. Tim’s eyes widened as he stared at it. He looked up at me and widened his eyes further, possibly in disbelief at what I’d done. I glanced over at Adam, who was still staring at me, unimpressed. Ron was gritting his teeth while John stammered that he had no idea where the wallet had come from.
Ordinarily I would have enjoyed watching John squirm, but I wanted to get out of here before Adam decided to have words with me. I excused myself and made for the door, powerwalking outside while ordering an Uber on my phone. If I did it quick enough, maybe I could disappear before...
“Charlie!” called a voice behind me.
Damn it. I hadn’t quite managed to escape.
I plastered an innocent smile on my face and turned to see Adam walking in my direction, his date waiting by the door to the bar for him to return.
“I didn’t say anything to her,” I said. “As per your request.”
He crossed his arms. “That doesn’t mean you’re not in trouble.”
I held my breath as I waited for what he would say next.
“You’re ridiculous,” he said finally, looking amused. “Tim managed to convince Ron that it was just someone playing a prank on him, so you’re off the hook. I don’t think Ron was totally persuaded though. John’s probably going to be in his bad books for a while.” He paused. “Honestly, he kind of had it coming. He’s unbearable.”
I breathed a sigh of relief. “Thanks for not dobbing me in,” I said.
Adam smiled. “I’m impressed that you managed to get it out of Ron’s pocket without him noticing.”
“I guess we’ve finally found an area I have natural talents in.”
Adam shrugged. “I’d say there are a couple of other areas you have natural talents in, too.”
His words hung in the air for a moment and I wondered if he’d intended that statement to sound so flirty or if I was just projecting that onto it because I liked the shape of his face and I’d had a few too many drinks.
“I, um, brought your present tonight,” I said. “It’s a good one, I promise.”
“Did you buy it earlier today, by any chance?”
“Maybe.”
He rolled his eyes at me. “Obviously you put a lot of thought into it.”
“I bought all my presents earlier today,” I said. “Don’t think you’re special.”
He laughed softly. “Are you going to give it to me?”
“After those comments?”
He gave me a smile. “I apologise for my rudeness,” he said.
I pretended to think for a moment. “OK, I guess you can have it.”
Reaching into my handbag, I pulled out the condoms.
“Wow, thanks,” said Adam. “Kind of suggestive, but useful.”
He reached for them and I pulled my hand away. “They’re not your present. And you don’t want them anyway. They’re expired.”
Adam frowned. “Thank you for caring about my sexual health, but that does beg the question of why you have them.”
“They were in Ronald’s wallet,” I explained. “I swapped them out for new ones.”
Adam frowned. “You really care about other people’s sex lives, don’t you?”
“No, I just –”
Adam was laughing quietly by now. I crossed my arms.
“I don’t think you deserve your present.”
“I’m sorry for laughing,” he said. “Really. It was sweet of you.”
I rolled my eyes at him and put my hand in my bag again, this time taking out a small gift box made from gold cardboard with a red ribbon.
“Thank you,” he said as I handed it to him. “Can I open it now or should I wait until tomorrow?”
“Now,” I said. “Obviously.” I found it hard to believe that anyone could be given a present and not rip it open immediately.
He smiled and undid the ribbon before opening the lid of the box. When he saw what was inside, he bit his bottom lip and smiled.
“I’m impressed,” he said as he admired his present. “I don’t know how many occasions I’ll have where BB-8 cufflinks are called for, but I know I’ll be ready.” He closed the box and looked up at me. “Thanks, Charmander.”
I smiled. “You like them?”
“I do.”
“Would you say the gift has a certain Charm...ander?”
“I would not,” he said, but he was smiling. “Goodnight.”
“Night, Adam.”
He turned and began to walk away. Suddenly a thought occurred to me.
“Adam?” I called.
He turned around. “Yes?”
“Where’s my present?”
“You’ll get it on Christmas,” he said. “As long as you behave yourself.”
With that he strode off into the darkness, leaving me to wonder what exactly he’d meant by that.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
The Christmas Day festivities were being held at my mother’s house this year. I rocked up at eleven in the morning, knowing that both my mother and her best friend Vi (James and Will’s mother) would already be totally sloshed by that time. After all, as Mum told me before bursting into fits of giggles, “Ish the holidays, Charling.”
They’d both been up late preparing food the night before, and honestly that was the main reason I’d come here. Even though our families had a barbecue every second weekend, on Christmas it always felt a little bit weird to celebrate without my brother around. Still, I reassured myself that if things went according to plan, this would be the last Christmas when that would be the case. I thought back to the note James had shown me and nibbled my lip. For some reason I was still having a little trouble on the whole ‘trusting him’ front.
The arrival of another guest distracted me from that thought for the time being, though.
“Who are you?” my mother slurred as she opened the front door. I looked to see who was on the step and saw Bob dressed in full Santa attire.
“It’s obviously Santa, Janine,” said one of the McKenzie kids who was at the party. (James and Will had two sisters who had bred with alarming efficiency to the point that I couldn’t even remember all the names of their children. When addressing them, I just rolled with ‘buddy’ most of the time. There were a thousand or so of them now, and they were all here at the party.)
“Right, of course. Santa,” said Mum, looking very confused.
“I invited him, Mum,” I said. “Come in, Mr Claus. The kids are all very excited to see you.”
He walked inside and gave me a hug, all the while beaming. “Thank you so much for inviting me,” Bob said quietly. “It’s lovely to be able to spend time with people on Christmas.”
“Well, we couldn’t have a Christmas without Santa, could we?” I said.
Bob smiled at me again, but then he was mobbed by a mass of children who dragged him from the room.
“Good luck,” I murmured as the screaming hordes surrounded him.
James walked over to me. “You invited Santa?”
I shrugged. “Of course. He said he was going to be alone on Christmas and I couldn’t let that happen. He’s the nicest man I’ve ever met,” I said. “He bought me soy chais every day, James. He�
��s the only reason I didn’t murder anyone during my time as an elf.”
James smiled at me. “That was really nice of you.”
I smiled back. “I guess I must have some redeeming qualities, then.”
“Yeah,” he said. “I’d say you’ve got a couple.”
“Unfortunately none of them are my memory,” I said. “I forgot to bring your decoy present. And your real one.”
James grinned. “Ah, well. I didn’t bring yours either, although I didn’t forget about it. You’ll understand when you see it.”
“Intriguing...” I said, and then spent all morning trying to guess what it was.
I’d given Will his present first thing that morning, and I’d made sure it was a good one since he’d sorted out a bunch of presents for me. If you’re curious, I’d bought him five different hardcover cookbooks – full of pictures of food I wanted to eat – plus a hamper of expensive, hard to find, unusual and/or wanky ingredients (things like saffron, truffle oil, raw cacao, nuts, quinoa, liquid smoke and more). He loved it, and I was keen to eat whatever he cooked with it. Win-win.
My present for James, the one I’d accidentally left at home, consisted of a few items. One was a book of insults and another was a book on how to deal with difficult people, but the main present was a photo album I’d stayed up all night putting together – pictures of me, James, Topher and Will growing up. Some were hilarious and most were awful, but I figured James would appreciate the effort. And, you know, maybe I’d be able to gauge something by his reaction when he saw it. (See earlier comments re: my issues with trust.)
For lunch, there were about a thousand different dishes to choose from: potatoes in the sacred trio – mashed, roasted and chip form, a roast cauliflower and bean dish cooked with cumin and other spices, a Christmas tree-shaped platter made of broccoli with cherry tomatoes as baubles served with a multitude of dips, eggnog made from coconut milk without any actual eggs in it (because why the hell would anyone want a sweet egg drink?), gingerbread, and about a thousand other dishes I’ve forgotten but which tasted delicious. Afterwards, we all sat slouched in our chairs, unable to move due to the inhuman amount of food we’d just consumed.
The kids began to pull their Christmas crackers and in the ensuing chaos (‘BUT I WANT THE MEASURING TAPE, MUMMY!’), James leant over and whispered to me.
“Want to sneak out?”
“Why?” I said.
“So we can pull our crackers in private and I can give you your real gift.” He paused, horror spreading slowly across his face. “That sounded so seedy.”
“It really did.”
“I honestly meant –”
“I know,” I said. “Let’s go.”
As I opened the front door of my house, I noticed a thick, A4 size yellow envelope sitting on the floor. Someone had slipped it under my door. I picked it up and saw that there was a smaller, white envelope taped to the front. Inside it was a Christmas card with a picture of a creepy-looking Santa on the front. When I opened it and recognised the handwriting, the pervy-looking Santa made sense.
“What is it?” James asked as we headed into the house.
“It’s from Adam,” I said. “Probably my next case, knowing him.”
James laughed. “Quick, let’s go up to your room,” he said. “Your present is up there.”
I gave him a suspicious look. “My present is in my bedroom? James, this is not sounding any less seedy.”
“I promise it’s not anything sleazy,” he said.
I sat the file Adam had left me on the kitchen counter and followed James up to my room, wondering what the hell he’d gotten me. When I walked through the doorway and saw it, my jaw dropped. There was a miniature pink tent set up beside my bed with ‘Arnold’ written over the door flap.
“Look inside it,” whispered James.
I walked over to it, crouching down so I could peer through the door. Inside was a pig-sized four poster bed upon which Arnold was currently sleeping, plus a new iPad on a stand in the corner.
“I loaded up the iPad with her favourite games and TV shows,” James whispered.
I turned back to him, my mouth still wide open. This was amazing.
“Do you like it?” he asked, looking a little concerned. I couldn’t quite form words yet, so I just nodded. He smiled.
When I eventually regained the power of speech, I said, “Your presents are under the Christmas tree.”
We headed downstairs and I gave him the joke presents first, which he laughed at. I was slightly nervous as I handed him the more serious present – the photo album with pictures of us all as kids. When he took the wrapping paper off, he swallowed at first. He just stared at it for a moment before looking back up at me.
“Thanks, Charlie,” he said. Then he looked back down and began to flick through it. I hadn’t been able to gauge much by his reaction, but I was pretty sure he liked it, even if seeing it was a little bittersweet.
After a while we decided to take a seat on the lounge, and put a Christmas movie on the TV – a good one this time, unlike Stacey’s selections. Die Hard. Remembering the food we’d pilfered from my mum’s house, I went to the kitchen to pack it all in the fridge.
While I was there I caught sight of my present from Adam sitting on the kitchen bench, which I’d all but forgotten until that point. He’d seemed so confident that it was a good present, although looking at the envelope now I wasn’t sure he and I had the same idea of what made a good gift. I opened the card and read it.
Hey Charmander,
This is your Christmas present, but you might not want to open it until tomorrow.
Adam
I frowned. Well, there was no way I’d be able to wait until tomorrow now. He could not have made that any more enticing if he tried. I opened the yellow envelope and pulled out its contents – a blank manila file filled with pages. When I flipped it open to the first page, I froze. I didn’t know how he’d done it, but Adam had gotten me a copy of the new case file on Topher. On page one it listed the investigating officers.
Harcourt, of course.
And James McKenzie.
Hey there, lovely reader!
You’re looking mighty fine today. Is that a new shirt?
I’m here to ask you a massive favour. In return, you’ll receive my eternal love and affection...
If you liked this book, will you please leave a review for me?
OK, so you’ll get my eternal love and affection anyway, but I would appreciate it so much if you’d take the time to write just a sentence to let other people know what you thought of the book. That way more people will be able to find it and read it, and I’ll be able to afford to pay rent. And eat. And boy, do I love to eat.
Thank you for taking the time to do this for me.
Eternally, lovingly and affectionately yours,
xx Clare
Have you joined the Readers’ Group yet?
No? Then you should head over to clarekauter.com/freestuff immediately.
Why?
Well, friend, because you’ll get:
A FREE copy of the Charlie Davies prequel ‘Short Fuse’, PLUS ‘Deadhead’ and ‘Losing Your Head’ if you haven’t picked up your copies yet (although I’m assuming you’ve read ‘Losing Your Head’ if you’ve finished this book, otherwise you’re doing it wrong)
TWO EXCLUSIVE EXTRAS: an interview with Satan (based on the ‘Damned Girl’ series), and
Charlie’s school counselling report (which her counsellor would probably also describe as an interview with Satan)
SNEAK PEEKS into new books before they’re released
INSIDE INFORMATION about upcoming sales
BEHIND-THE-SCENES of writing my books (which to be honest is mostly me lying on the couch covered in crumbs, but hey – you’ll be right there with me. I know, the glamour is too much!)
What are you waiting for? Join me in the Readers’ Group! It’s like a cult, but less terrifying.
Also by Clare Kauter:
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The Charlie Davies Mysteries
Losing Your Head
Unfinished Sentence
Graceless
Higher Learning
Santa’s Little Helper
Short Fuse (Prequel Novella)
Damned, Girl!
Deadhead
Sled Head
Hell’s Belles
Loch Nessa
About the Author
Clare Kauter is a semi-professional lawn bowls champion and compulsive liar who writes books in her spare time. She describes her books as “mystery with a twist-ery and fantasy with banter-sy" - and advises that if you don’t like puns, you should back away now.
Clare began writing her first novel at age 13, and eventually that book was published as ‘Losing Your Head’ (the first of the ‘Charlie Davies Mysteries’). She also writes the ‘Damned Girl’ series, set in a modern fantasy world.
Website: clarekauter.com
Twitter: @clarekauter
Instagram: @clarekauter
Facebook: Clare Kauter
Spotify: Clare Kauter
What now?
Now that you’ve finished this book, you’re probably wondering what comes next on your reading list. I’m guessing that since you’ve made it this far, you’re a fan of light-hearted mysteries.
If so, I have a suggestion for you...
How do you feel about a touch of magic alongside your mysteries? How about a bucket-load of magic? If that sounds like your kind of thing, keep reading. I’ve included the first chapter of my book ‘Deadhead’, which you can pick up in its entirety for free from clarekauter.com/freestuff.
If you’re unsure, why not give it a try? After all, it’s free. What’s the worst that could happen?
DEADHEAD
CHAPTER ONE
The lady in my kitchen was stuck up and stupid but I needed her money so I swallowed hard and put on my best Customer Service Fake Smile™.
“Was there anything in particular you’d like me to ask him?”
She was crying into the toilet paper I’d given her when she’d asked me for a tissue. Not that I didn’t have any tissues to give her; there was just something satisfying about watching annoying clients cry into toilet paper. You do what you can to keep yourself amused in this business.
