Even though part of me had thought I was falling in love with Flynn, a bigger part now held him responsible for what had happened. And I knew I would never be able to get over that. He was too caught up in this for there ever to be an us again.
Feeling a degree of resolution, I picked up my phone and switched it on. Once I had bypassed the screen listing all of the missed calls, I read through the page of texts from Neve and Flynn, visualising each as their respective texts told the story of how their evenings had been tangled up in mine.
Neve: R u ok? Call me. x
Neve: I’m worried Cass. Call me. x
Neve: Please call me. x
Neve: Dad told me what happened. You home yet? x
Neve: I love you Cass. Let me know u r ok. x
Neve: Flynn has come back from uni. x
Neve: Please let me know what’s going on. x
Neve: Just spoke to Flynn. He’s really worried. Ring one of us. PLEASE. x
Neve: I’m going 2 bed but fone will be on. Ring when you get back. Love you x
Me: I’m OK. Will ring tomorrow. Say thanks to your dad. Love you too. xx
Flynn: Waiting for 8 xx
Flynn: Why aren’t you answering? You OK? xx
Flynn: Getting worried. Going to ring dad to come round as no answer. xx
Flynn: Dad is on his way. Please text me. xx
Flynn: Dad told me. Ring me when you get back Cass. xx
Flynn: PLEASE answer. xx
Flynn: You can’t still be at the police station. Please ring or text. xx
Flynn: I need to know you’re OK. xx
Flynn: Cass, I’m so worried. Please just get in touch. Even with Neve. xx
Flynn: I’m sat outside your house. Your light is on. Please answer. xx
Flynn: OK. I get that you don’t want to talk. I’ll go home. xx
Flynn: When you’re ready get in touch. I miss you. xx
Flynn: Night Cass xx
Me: I can’t talk to you Flynn. Sorry.
After switching my phone and light off again, I tried to get comfortable. I tried the trick someone had told me about counting your breaths in and out as a way of encouraging sleep. At some point it worked.
Any hope that things would be easier the next day were decimated early on. After a surprisingly peaceful few hours of sleep, I went down to get some breakfast before having a shower. Mum was cleaning out one of the kitchen cupboards, which, as an obsessively compulsive cleaner, was a sure sign that she was trying to vent some frustration with the help of rubber gloves and a bottle of Mr Muscle.
“You OK, Mum?” I asked, grabbing a box of cereal from over her head.
“Yeah, no, not really,” was her helpful reply as she stood and snapped the gloves off her hands, like a surgeon at the end of an operation. “I rang school and said you wouldn’t be in today. I spoke to Miss Lee.”
“Oh,” I mumbled around a mouthful of cereal. “Why did you say I was off?”
“I told her the truth, Cass. Kate said we needed to as he goes to the same school.” It hadn’t crossed my mind that people would have to know, and know so soon. Naively, I had assumed that I would have time to get my own head around things before having to cope with others’ thoughts about it.
“What did she say?” Miss Lee was one of my favourite teachers. She had taught me in Year 11 and was a great Head of Sixth Form, giving us enough freedom to feel more independent than we had in main school, but also there when we needed her.
“Well, that was what annoyed me. She has said that you have to stay out of school until the police tell them it’s OK for you to go back. It appears that you, or your mother, don’t get a say in this.” It took a lot to make Mum visibly angry but there was a rigidity to her face that I recognised.
“Why do I have to stay at home? I can’t afford to miss lessons!”
“I know, that’s what I said. But you can’t go back until the police have decided whether they are going to press charges against him. She said that she would organise some work from teachers and give it to Neve.” Her hands were palm down on the work surface, knuckles whitened with the pressure.
“But that’s not fair,” I moaned. “It’s not me who’s done anything wrong. They can’t just let me fail because of what he did.” Tears were starting to burn behind my eyeballs. “It’s not their choice to make. I should be able to say what’s right for me. It’s not fair!” Mum came over to my stool and wrapped me in her arms, hushing my crying.
“It isn’t fair, Cass, but I think there’s going to be quite a bit of that ahead. Look, Kate will be round in a bit. Go and get dressed and we’ll ask her about it.”
I made myself look at my naked body before I got in the shower. The bruises and marks had developed overnight and were now angry reminders of Rob’s power over me. I didn’t want to feel sorry for myself but was overwhelmed by the feeling of unfairness about all of it.
Up until a few weeks ago, no boy had touched me. Nobody had wanted me. Now I wish I could turn back the clock, return to a time of innocence. If only.
Yes, being with Flynn had given me confidence in myself, made me believe that I could have a normal life and relationship: that I didn’t have to conform to the stereotype of other girls to be attractive. Yet the cruel irony was that, without Rob and the party, I wouldn’t have had my time with Flynn. One was inextricably linked with the other. Two sides of the same coin.
Dressed in leggings and an oversized hoodie, I pulled my damp hair into a ponytail, not bothered about what I looked like, just wanting to be comfortable and hide the evidence of last night. Just as I was sat on my bed, debating whether to switch my phone back on, Mum shouted to say that Kate had pulled up. Leaving the phone on my bed, I went downstairs to re-live the night before.
Again.
And again.
I had to go through every minor detail when I made my statement, all at the slow and steady pace of Kate’s handwriting. I couldn’t believe that, with all of the technology available, they still wrote down statements by hand. I then had to listen to Kate read it aloud before I signed it. Listening to my words coming from another person’s mouth, in a voice that wasn’t mine, was all kinds of weird, like listening to an audiobook where the voice doesn’t match the character in your mind. Mum sat there throughout, silent and trying not to look upset by the details, even though she had heard them before.
Kate said that Miss Lee was right. I couldn’t go to school until a decision had been made about the case. Apparently Rob had been questioned that morning and, ‘whilst the investigation was on-going’, neither of us was to attend school. If Rob tried to get in touch, I had to contact Kate immediately and the police would organise an injunction. The tone of this meeting was different to the previous night. Kate was still friendly and supportive but it was obvious that she had to make sure that I understood I was now embarking on a serious legal process that could take ages to be resolved.
Mum was not completely silent, and thankfully asked those questions that would otherwise have plagued me afterwards. Unfortunately most of the answers were disappointing: it could take several months for the case to go to trial, and that was only if the Crown Prosecution Service decided that there was enough evidence to press charges; that Rob would probably be bailed and allowed to stay at home as it was rare for a person his age to be kept in custody; that I would have to testify if he was charged and didn’t plead guilty.
Not much to make me feel reassured.
Before she left, Kate gave me a handful of leaflets in a plastic wallet, like a teacher handing out resources in a lesson. “These might be of help, Cass. Other people I’ve worked with have found them useful.” She gave me a brief hug and reminded us that we could get in touch with her at any point.
Once she had left, Mum and I sat down, an awkward silence filling the gap between us. I picked up the pack of leaflets and flicked through them, instantly recognising that I was the wrong audience for most of them, being neither a victim of domestic violence
nor a child. That was the most depressing part of the pack; realising that there was a need for such an array of leaflets produced to be accessible to children, the crayon-effect drawings and primary colours at odds with the seriousness of the subject matter. The idea of Sylvie having to read through something like that appalled me. Handing one entitled Sexual Violence: A Parent’s Guide to Mum, I stood up.
“I’m going to lie down for a bit. I’m knackered. Do you need me to work tonight?”
“God, no, Cass.” Mum seemed surprised that I had even suggested it. “Mike and I will cover it between us. I don’t think you should go back until Kate says you can go back to school.”
“Oh, OK. Do you want me to look after Sylvie then? I don’t want to create more hassle for you.”
“Please don’t think like that, Cass. None of this is your fault. If you can look after Sylvie, that would be great. Thanks.” She reached out and brushed my hand with hers.
“I don’t want Sylvie to know anything, Mum. Is that OK?”
“Of course, love. I had to tell Mike but he won’t say anything either.” Although a part of me balked at the idea of Mike knowing, I knew that Mum couldn’t have done anything else.
“OK. Give me a shout when you go to collect Sylvie and I’ll make sure I’m up for when you get back.”
I lay on my bed, not really wanting to sleep but not wanting to do anything else either. Staring at the ceiling, I thought back to last week, when Flynn and I had nearly been caught by Mum and Sylvie. Remembering how quickly he had turned me into a heated, moaning mess on that very bed, I blushed, even though there was nobody to feel embarrassed in front of. Recalling the amazing feelings Flynn had created in me, I felt sad that it had come to an end. Would I ever feel that way again?
In a desperate attempt to take my mind off memories of my time with Flynn, I switched on my phone. I needed to get in touch with Neve and I didn’t want her to turn up unannounced whilst Sylvie was around. I was surprised that there were no messages waiting to be read.
Me: Hi. You still at school?
Neve: No. Signed out for last lesson. Got some stuff for you. You OK?
Me: Yeah. Do you want to drop it off tomorrow?
Neve: Can do. Wanna chat later?
Me: OK. I’ll ring you after tea.
Neve: x
Sylvie managed to keep me entertained upon her return from school and we made a cottage pie that was ready as soon as Mum and Mike got back from the shop. I managed to avoid acknowledging the long looks Mike kept throwing in my direction, something else I was undoubtedly going to have to get used to, and we made small talk that didn’t seem to make Sylvie suspicious that anything was different to normal.
I went up to my room at the same time as Sylvie went to bed. There was a quiet knock on my door whilst I was removing the chipped varnish on my toenails, followed by Mum putting her head around the door.
“You OK, love? You seemed quiet at tea.”
“Yeah. I’m going to ring Neve and then go to bed. I’m just tired, that’s all.” I attempted a smile to ease her worry.
“Alright. I’m opening up the shop in the morning. Could you have Sylvie from ten? I’ll be back at about three.”
“Of course. ‘Night Mum.”
“‘Night Cass.”
As she closed the door, I felt a pang at her words, knowing that I wouldn’t be hearing them again from Flynn. I picked up an electric-blue nail polish and forced myself to concentrate on applying it to my toes, in the vain hope that steadying my hand would steady my heart.
I waited until Mum had gone back downstairs before I rang Neve. She picked up immediately.
“Hi Cass.” There was a pause as though she was unsure about how to proceed. I knew Neve well enough to know that she wanted to let me decide the tone of the conversation.
“Hi Neve. How was school?” I couldn’t exactly go straight into the sordid details of what had happened since I last saw her.
“OK. I missed you. Jonesy was off school today so we had a cover teacher for period four and were allowed to come home period five so that was a bonus.” She paused again. “There was a weird moment in assembly. Miss Lee tried to tell us that if there was enough snow so that school had to be closed, we have to look on the school website as the teachers will still be setting us work. Everyone started laughing and she lost it. I mean, really freaking lost it and started lecturing us on everything that we are supposedly doing wrong. One of the lads asked her if it was the wrong time of the month and she went ballistic at him. She made Mr Hughes take him out of the assembly and straight to Mr Wilson’s office, like he was in Year Nine or something. Everyone shut up after that but people were talking about it all day.” I could guess at what was on Miss Lee’s mind that had caused her to over-react and was a bit surprised that Neve hadn’t made the connection.
“Sounds like an interesting day.” I paused before continuing, “Did anyone ask why I was off?”
“No. The teachers obviously knew because they gave me some work for you, so they must have had an email or something. But no-one else said anything. Someone mentioned Rob being off as the team was playing tonight but I didn’t hear anything else.” My stomach heaved at the mention of his name, along with the idea that he was missed more than me.
“Cass?” Neve interrupted my thoughts.
“Yeah?”
“You don’t have to tell me anything, well, not until you’re ready to, you know. We can just chat about normal things.” I knew she was trying to reassure me but it was hard to take much interest in ‘normal things’ right then.
“Thanks Neve. I know. And I do want to tell you, just not over the phone, if I’m honest.”
“No problem. What are you doing tomorrow?”
“I’m looking after Sylvie. Do you fancy coming over?” Sylvie’s presence would help make things seem a little less weird.
“Yeah, that’d be cool. What time? Do you want me to bring anything?”
“Mike’s going at ten so any time after that. No, I thought we could do some baking so don’t wear anything fancy.”
“OK,” followed by yet another pause. “Cass?” I could almost guess what the next question would be.
“Yeah?”
“Are you going to speak to Flynn? He’s really worried.” Even though I could hear the anxiety in her voice, and I felt sorry that Neve was caught in the middle, I couldn’t give her the answer she wanted.
“I can’t, Neve. I just can’t talk to him.” My voice was almost a whisper as though that reduced the enormity of what I was saying.
“Why, Cass? He was the one who got Dad to come round. He was so worried about you last night. I’ve never seen him like that before. He didn’t go back to Uni today, just in case you got in touch.” I knew that Neve wasn’t trying to provoke me but I did feel my anger rising at the pressure she was putting on me.
“I’m sorry, Neve, I just can’t. I don’t want to fall out with you but I really don’t want to talk about it.”
“OK, Cass. I get it. Can I tell him that I’ve spoken to you?” I knew I couldn’t expect her to lie when they were so close.
“Course. I just don’t want to talk to him.”
“OK, babe. I’ll see you in the morning. I love you.” I ended the call with a sense of relief that it was over.
Flynn: Night Cass xx
Neve arrived just after Mike left and I didn’t ask who had dropped her off. She was armed with a bag filled with baking supplies that made our small array, all lined up ready, look measly in comparison. She gave me a hug and a kiss before bestowing the same on Sylvie.
“OK then girlies, who’s up for our own edition of The Great British Bake Off?” she asked with an infectious grin. Sylvie could barely contain her excitement as Neve whipped out her phone and started the voiceover to a video. “Today’s contestants are Sylvie and Cassie, sisters from the Midlands. So, Sylvie, what baking experience do you have?” Neve had perfected the nuances of an over-enthusiastic show host and S
ylvie responded in kind.
“Well, I usually bake with my mum or sister. I’ve been doing it since I was a little girl and cupcakes are my favourite,” Sylvie improvised, flicking her hair as Neve focused the camera on her before turning it to me.
“And what about you, Cass? What experience do you have?” It was a question that a few weeks ago would have made us dissolve into giggles, but was now filled with loaded meaning. For Sylvie’s sake, I needed to take it at face value.
“Well, I’ve also been baking since I was a young girl. My specialities are cookies and brownies, things with chocolate basically, but I make a mean cupcake too. So bring it on sister!” I forced a huge smile straight into the camera.
We made two batches of cupcakes, iced with a dazzling array of very unnatural colourings, and some triple chocolate cookies. Neve made it such a laugh, insisting on filming oven shots and brief sound-bites along the way, and encouraging a ridiculous amount of competition between us. The only thing missing were judges to decide on a winner. She offered to take a selection home and get her mum and dad to decide on a winner, giving Sylvie a knowing wink as if to imply that the winner had already been decided.
After a quick lunch of cheese on toast, Sylvie decided that we should watch a film. When she pulled the Tangled DVD from the shelf, Neve was quick to reject it.
Curve Page 14
