“My dad was angry a lot of the time,” he confesses.
That statement causes the blood in my veins to boil. The selfish prick had everything, a gorgeous woman, and a great son and he still wasn’t happy. To add insult to injury, he left his only son with bad memories to remember him by.
“Can I tell you a secret?”
Jesus.
“Sure,” I say. Swallowing, I watch him glance around to make sure no one is listening. I’m not sure I want to hear what he’s going to say next. Still, I encourage him to continue with a nod of my head.
“I don’t want to go back there,” he whispers.
“You don’t want to go back home?”
He shakes his head.
“But don’t tell my mom. I don’t want her to think it’s her fault.”
I’m about to ask him why he doesn’t want to go home when my phone rings.
“Hold that thought,” I tell him, pulling my phone out of my vest. An unfamiliar number flashes across my screen before I accept the call and bring the phone to my ear. “Bas.”
“Hold on,” a female voice says.
“Do you want to tell me why Ally is here ordering me to get dressed so we can go shopping for house stuff? And maybe while you’re at it you can tell me where you took my son,” Mac hollers into the phone, causing me to roll my eyes.
“Left you a note, maybe you should read the fucking thing before getting your panties in a twist.” Feeling the weight of Ryder’s stare, I cringe at the sound of my own voice. The last thing I want is for the kid to think every man around him is an angry fuck. Offering him a wink, I swipe a piece of bacon from his plate and shove the whole thing into my mouth. He watches me chew for a second before he starts to laugh and instantly the tension releases.
I’m starting to get the feel for this uncle business.
“I read the note an hour ago when I woke up and he wasn’t next to me. Unless you’re waiting for the chicken to lay an egg, breakfast doesn’t take that long.”
“Mac, he’s fine,” I tell her. “I didn’t know Ally was coming by this early but since she’s there, go with her and get whatever you need.”
“Whatever I need,” she repeats.
“Yeah, pillows, sheets, shit like that. You should probably check and see if Pipe left behind any pots and pans too. You and Ryder can’t live off take out. You’re going to need pans to cook.”
“My mom makes the best hamburgers,” Ryder says.
“Ryder wants hamburgers for dinner,” I add.
When Deuce suggested Ally play the role of interior decorator, I wasn’t necessarily on board with the idea. However, after Ryder’s revelation, I want him to be comfortable. I want him to have a home while he’s here.
“You want me to buy pots and pans.”
“Yeah, whatever you need to make that house a home for you guys.” I’m not sure why I have to repeat myself so many times when it comes to her. I think I made myself clear the first time. “Don’t worry about the money,” I add.
“Bas, don’t you think it might be time for you to tell me how long we’ll be staying here?”
“What does it matter, if you’re here for a week or six months, you’re going to need clean sheets,” I tell her as I motion for the waitress to give me the check.
I don’t know why she’s in such a hurry to get back to Kentucky. Judging by her living conditions and the fact that Junior is dead, I don’t imagine she’s got much to go back to. Sure, she’ll probably miss her Nana and all, but other than that, it would be easy for her and Ryder to start over—away from the memory of Junior. They could have a clean slate without the club and without Milly. Just Mac and her boy. It doesn’t even have to be in New York. They could go anywhere.
For some reason I let myself digest that thought for a moment. How would I feel about that? The last few days I’ve been telling myself, I need to keep them safe and eliminate the threat Junior left behind. After that, I’m a free man. They go back to their life in Kentucky and I go back to mine. The three of us together, however long it lasts, it’s just a speed bump.
Looking across the table at Ryder, I’m not sure I can get on board with sending him back to a home he hates. Isn’t that some shit? The kid is almost six and I’ve spent every year of his life ignoring his existence. I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve resented him and in my darkest hours wished he was never born.
This adorable fucking kid, who innocently is blowing bubbles through a straw.
Him.
I wished he was never a thing.
What kind of piece of shit does that make me?
Suddenly, I feel compelled to make things right between me and Ryder. To stand the fuck up and be the man my father raised. A man who accepts his shortcomings in life and makes do with what he has and what I have is a boy who needs me. So what if it’s temporary, there ain’t no law that dictates what kind of role I have in his life. Even if there was, I’m sure I’d piss on it like I do all the other fucking laws no one gives a shit about.
“Are you listening to me?” Mac questions.
“No,” I admit, glancing at the check. Lifting my hips off the seat, I pull a few bills from my pocket and lay them on the table. “I’m taking Ryder out for the day. We’ll pick up some groceries and meet you back at the house. Now, put Ally on the phone.”
I don’t miss the grin on Ryder’s face as I slide out of the booth. Reaching for his hand, I lead him out of the diner. Glancing down at him, I pull the phone away from my ear.
“You okay with spending the day with me?”
“Hell yeah,” he boasts. Realizing his outburst, his cheeks redden, and he leans closer. “Don’t tell, mom.”
Closing my fist, I offer him a pound and this time he returns the gesture with ease.
“It’ll be our secret,” I assure him, tousling his hair as I bring the phone back to my ear.
“Hello?”
“Yeah, Ally,” I greet, taking back Ryder’s hand. “Listen, she’s probably going to give you grief, but I want you to get whatever you think we need. If I’m not there when you guys get back, I’ll stop by your place tonight and give you the money.”
“I’m not worried about it. Jack gave me his credit card and said he’ll take care of the bill with you.”
Fucking Jack.
“Of course he did,” I mutter. Like, I don’t know this is some property of Parrish fucking scheme of his.
“We better get a move on,” she continues. “This place needs a prayer.”
“Don’t tell Pipe that,” I reply. “Hey, Ally…”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you.”
“I’m happy to help,” she replies.
It’s hard to believe she’s the same girl from Albany. The same girl, I couldn’t stand the sight of simply because one look at her and you knew she was dying inside. Now, she’s a fucking walking miracle. An inspiration to anyone who is lost in this world. A girl who wakes up and makes every day count. Someone who took back her life and lives to smile. A woman I’m proud to know.
She gives the phone back to Mac and I hand it off to Ryder. They speak for a few moments before he ends the call and hands it back to me.
“She’s a worrywart too,” he confesses.
Funny, I don’t remember that about her. I suppose time and maybe becoming a mother, has changed the girl I used to know. The question is, do I want to know the woman she is now?
The jury is still out.
“We’ll have to work on getting the two of you to loosen up some,” I tell him as we reach the truck. Seeming to agree, he smiles back at me and climbs into the back seat. Once I’m sure he’s buckled in, I make my way to the driver’s seat. Considering this fucking thing is on its last legs, I should probably see about getting a car off the lot of Pipe’s garage.
Thankfully, old faithful doesn’t decide to die on me and starts right up. Ryder starts rambling the second I peel away from the curb and he doesn’t let up until we reach the bookstore. I lear
n he and Mac have game night once a week. His favorite is Monopoly, and hers is Scrabble. His favorite movie is Pearl Harbor—an odd choice for a kid his age but, I also discover he’s infatuated with army men. I tell him about the Intrepid Museum in Manhattan and he asks me if I’ll take him to see it. There is no hesitation when I respond yes.
I’m sure there’s going to come a point in this story when I look back at that moment and realize it was the turning point for me. The point in time when I realized I’d never be able to say no to this kid.
For now, I’m going to gloss over it and pretend like I’m not enjoying his company. That he ain’t worming his way under my skin and digging a hole in my heart.
The first stop we make is the bookstore where we buy the worry book. Next, we hit Toys R Us on Bay Parkway. I had only meant to pick up some board games, so he and Mac could continue with their weekly tradition. However, when we pulled up, I discovered they were going out of business. A tragedy to kids everywhere. Realizing it would likely be Ryder’s last experience in a traditional toy store, I made the kid grab a cart and once it was packed with games, Nerf guns, and Lego sets, we checked out. I rationalized my actions by telling myself I missed out on birthday and Christmas presents. Now we were even.
Leaving Toys R Us, we passed a rinky-dink amusement park. At the ticket booth, there was a man standing in front of us and I overheard him go on to his son about how he used to go there as a kid when it was called Nellie Bly. Ryder wasn’t much for rides, but he loved playing those carnival type games. We shot the clown in the mouth with water, tossed beanbags at cans and ate cotton candy. An hour later we walked out of there with a goldfish and six stuffed animals.
I was fucking exhausted.
Ryder was rearing to go.
With a quick stop at Dunkin Donuts and a shot of espresso, we tackled grocery shopping. I don’t have many memories of being a kid and going places with both of my parents and my brother but every Sunday the four of us went food shopping together. Thinking back, we must’ve made some sight. Pops in his leathers, Milly in her heels and me and Junior racing our shopping carts down the aisles. My father always made me and Junior fill our carts with whatever we wanted and when me and Ryder entered Key Food, I instructed him to do the same.
I think he thought I was testing him or something because he started putting bananas and berries in the wagon. It wasn’t until we hit the cookie aisle when I started tossing package after package in, that he joined in on the fun.
Mac was going to kill me.
By the time we were done, we were both starving but there was three gallons of ice cream melting in the flatbed of the truck. I called in a pie at L&B and took it to go. We arrived home just as Mac and Ally were returning. Between my truck and Ally’s car, it took us a half hour to bring everything into the house.
All I wanted was my pizza and a six pack.
The fellas weren’t kidding about Ally’s pillow fetish. You could build a fort in the living room with the fucking things. Glancing around at all the bags, I turn to Ally.
“How much was all of this?”
Ignoring me, she stares across the room at Mac. Ryder hasn’t taken a breath since he started telling his mother all about our day together and she hasn’t stopped smiling at her son since he began.
“Earth to Ally—”
“Can I talk to you outside?” she asks, cutting me off.
I can sense the urgency in her hushed whisper and motion towards the front door. Outside, I shove my hands in my pockets and look at her expectantly.
“What’s up?”
“How much of Mac’s story do you know?”
Caught off guard by the random question, I narrow my eyes in confusion.
“I know Mac a long time—”
“You haven’t seen each other in years, correct? At least since Ryder has been born, right?”
“What are you getting at?”
Blowing out a breath, she glances over my shoulder at the closed door and back at me.
“Bas, I think Mac’s been abused.”
The word abused, and Mac don’t belong in the same sentence.
“Yesterday when you brought her Jack’s, there was something in her eyes, something I couldn’t quite put my finger on but was still so very familiar. Like I had seen the same look in my own eyes when I looked in the mirror before and today when we were shopping, it was like she had never been inside a store or allowed to make her own decisions.”
“Mac’s got a lot on her mind,” I defend. “She’s worried about her son’s safety and has no idea where to go from here. The last thing she probably cares about is pillows.”
“Maybe,” Ally replies. “Maybe it’s in my head but what if I’m right?”
My mind wanders back to Kentucky, to her Nana’s words and the room she shared with Ryder. I wondered then what Nana had meant when she said my family ruined Mac. I also thought her living arrangements were odd. Then I remember the words she said to me last night.
“You used to be better than him. You used to be everything he wasn’t and now, you’re just like him. Should I get down on my knees and thank you or maybe I should bend over, which one would you like?”
It was those exact words that made me come back to her last night.
And how could I ignore what Ryder told me this morning?
“My dad didn’t like that I worried all the time. I remember him and my mom fighting about it one night. He had come into our room when she was reading the book to me and told her she was turning me into a cat.”
Lifting my hands from my pockets, I swipe them over my face and shake my head.
Mac wouldn’t stand for anyone’s shit.
Certainly not Juniors.
“She doesn’t know me to confide in me, Bas. I know it’s hard to fathom but, I want you to think back to Albany, to that day you handed me the money and told me to run. Think about what you saw in me and—”
“Stop,” I interrupt hoarsely.
I don’t want to hear any more.
Not from her.
As much as I hate to admit it, it’s time I start listening to Mac.
It’s time to hear everything she’s been trying to tell me.
It’s time for the truth.
Chapter Nineteen
Whoever said shopping was fun, lied.
After spending hours in Bed, Bath & Beyond, I wanted to rip my hair out of my head. Half the things Ally made us buy I had never heard of and the other half I was sure I would never use. For example, I did not need a salad spinner. I also didn’t need a cheese board and I sure as fuck did not need a towel warmer.
The corkscrew however, was one hundred percent a necessity. Especially after the day I had. All I wanted to do was go home, use my new corkscrew to open the bottle of wine I made her stop off so I could buy and cuddle with my boy.
Waking up and not finding him next to me scared the living shit out of me. My eyes couldn’t skim quick enough over the note Bas left me. I had barely gotten to the last sentence when the doorbell rang and I found Ally outside. As I silently cursed Bas, I realized I didn’t have his number to call him and rip him a new asshole. Thankfully, Ally did. Not that it helped matters much.
He brushed me off and ordered me to go shopping with Ally. I think I would’ve put up more of a fight if he hadn’t said he was going to spend the day with Ryder. Part of me was apprehensive but the bigger part of me was grateful because it showed he was not only giving Ryder a chance but also giving him something he had never truly experienced before. I couldn’t begrudge my son an opportunity to bond with his uncle. Like it or not, Bas was now, the only male role model in Ryder’s life. Whether or not that was temporary, I wouldn’t take that away from him.
So, while I was in household hell, my son was having the time of his life with Bas. I swear they took a tour of Brooklyn and conquered more in a day than most do in a summer. They even made plans to visit some museum. Ryder was on cloud nine and even Bas looked like he had enjoyed their
time together.
I was too busy listening to Ryder go on and on about everything they did to notice Bas walk Ally out. What I didn’t miss was the change in his demeanor when he returned or the subtle way he asked Ryder to bring his new toys upstairs.
“Ryder is going to Jack’s,” he announces once he’s out of sight. “He’ll play with Danny and we’ll pick him up when we’re done.”
“When we’re done with what?”
“You and I need to talk, and Ryder shouldn’t be present for it,” he says, swiping a hand over his face. His stares at me blankly, searching my eyes for something—what, I don’t know. “We’ll go to dinner,” he adds hoarsely.
“What about the pizza?”
“It’s better the next day anyway,” he says, taking a step closer to me. “Isn’t this what you wanted? You and me, getting it all out in the open once and for all?”
Is it?
Perhaps it’s the tone of his voice but I’m suddenly not sure I want to strip my soul and bare my secrets. For so long, I wished for the chance to plead my case. One moment in time where I get to tell my side of the sorted story that was us. In my head, I’ve rehearsed what I’d say a thousand times. Yet now, when the opportunity is finally within reach, I’ve forgotten my script.
What if what I have to say isn’t enough?
Instead of looking at me with hate what if he looks at me with shame? Or worse…pity.
“I used to bribe you with pistachio ice cream,” he says, pulling me away from my head. “What do you say we try one more time? For old time’s sake.”
For some reason that makes me smile.
It’s not the kind of smile that exudes happiness.
It’s the kind that reflects mournfully on the past.
“Do they have ice cream parlors in New York?” I ask.
“They’ve got Carvel and they’ve got Baskin Robbins, pick your poison.”
If I wasn’t already a goner at the nostalgic turn, this conversation had taken, I would’ve been when he reached out and tenderly tucked a loose curl behind my ear. It was then I decided I would not only give him my truth but also the scars that were embedded in my heart.
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