The Leaving of Liverpool

by Lyn Andrews

  Jack nodded, never thinking to question his stepfather’s authority.

  ‘Phoebe-Ann, go and get dressed and wash your face and then help Emily; your mam’s in no fit state and she didn’t mean any of this, she’s just so upset and angry.’

  Phoebe-Ann sniffed and nodded, still shaken, and for the first time wondered if her pity for James Mercer had indeed been construed by him into something far more sinister. A feeling that was to grow stronger and would be transformed into guilt that would turn to resentment which, in its turn, would be instrumental in ruining her life.

  When everyone was much calmer and Lily had kissed Phoebe-Ann and when Emily had come downstairs, pale and silent, Lily expressed one of her worries aloud. ‘I don’t know what you will do now. Neither of you are going back there.’

  ‘I could get work in Tate’s or Tillotson’s, Mam,’ Phoebe-Ann ventured timidly, not knowing how this suggestion would be received.

  ‘Aye, maybe it would be the best thing for you. Maybe I was wrong forcing you to go back into service. All this might not have happened if I hadn’t been so set on you keeping your promise. I should have realized that things have changed.’

  ‘How were you to know, Lil? You did what you thought was best, there’s no use you feeling guilty about that.’

  Lily managed a weak smile.

  ‘I think you should go and see Mr Mercer when you’re calmer. When we’ve all thought this thing through.’

  ‘What for? I never want to set foot in that house again.’

  ‘To see if he’s willing to make some kind of compensation for Emily.’

  ‘Like what?’

  Albert shrugged. ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘We don’t want his bloody “hush” money,’ Jack stated.

  ‘No. Not money. Perhaps something in kind.’

  ‘What? The least he can do is give her good references,’ Jimmy put in.

  ‘I don’t doubt he’ll do that. Perhaps he knows where she could get other employment.’

  ‘They have stewardesses, Mam. I saw some on the day I went over the Mauretania.’ Phoebe-Ann fell silent. Unwittingly she had reminded her mother about that awful day out with Miss Olivia, and she waited for Lily’s wrath to descend on her.

  ‘No. I don’t want to do anything like that. I don’t want to leave here.’ Emily surprised them by the force of her objections.

  ‘You won’t have to. It’s no life for a young girl, working like a skivvy for hours on end and being away from home and family,’ Jimmy stated.

  ‘Let’s leave it for now. Leave it for a day or two until we’ve all settled down,’ Albert ended the discussion.

  In the middle of the following week Emily agreed to see Edwin. He had called every day but she had resolutely stood firm in her determination not to see him. To all Lily’s pleading and cajoling she had turned a deaf ear. Not even Phoebe-Ann’s tearful urging had had any effect. It was Albert who made her change her mind. He had been quick to note how she had suddenly developed an aversion to men, himself and her brothers included. Indeed they were the only men within her immediate circle and vicinity but she seemed to shy away from physical contact and even their embarrassingly stammered attempts at apologizing for their loudness and often insensitive remarks appeared to make her shrink.

  Jack had summed up their feelings. ‘I find myself apologizing for being a man. One of the same breed as that bastard.’ He always referred to James Mercer as ‘that bastard’.

  ‘No, lad. Not the same breed. Never that. But I know what you mean. I find myself watching every damn word that I utter while she’s around.’

  ‘It’s poor Leeson I feel sorry for. I think he and our Emily had come to an understanding and now she won’t even see him. He told me he gave it to old man Mercer straight. Wouldn’t stay another day in the house. If he’d have had his way he would have had that bastard publicly branded and locked up and I agree with him. Except it would mean our Emily’s name being tossed around every ale house in the city, and there’s no way I’d have her go through that.’

  Albert had nodded his agreement. ‘Aye, but something is going to have to be done about it all. We can’t go on like this for ever and young Edwin is very fond of her, I know that from the hangdog look on his face when your mam says, “Not today”.’

  ‘Can’t you have a talk to her? You’re not as . . . well, not as close as us, if you know what I mean?’

  ‘I’ll try. All I can do is try,’ Albert agreed.

  After dinner that night the two lads made themselves scarce and Lily said the weather was so humid she needed a breath of fresh air. Preferably fresh, salt air and that it would do Phoebe-Ann good as well, her being stuck in that factory all day. Phoebe-Ann had been very fortunate indeed. She’d been taken on at the B&A, as everyone called the British American Tobacco Company. The wages were good and the work a lot easier than in other factories. Lily had sworn what she would do if she ever caught Phoebe-Ann with a cigarette in her mouth but Jack and Jimmy were very pleased when she brought home cheap cigarettes and tobacco for Albert’s pipe.

  ‘Sure you don’t want to go with them, Emily? It’s a fine evening,’ Albert ventured as the two women were about to leave.

  ‘No. No thanks.’ Emily stared listlessly out of the window that looked on to the yard. It was an effort to do anything these days, her mind was so tired of going round and round over the same things.

  ‘We’ll bring you some peardrops. You like them,’ was Phoebe-Ann’s parting offer.

  Albert stood up and walked over to where Emily sat. Dropping down on his hunkers he took her hands and held them, despite the fact that she tried to snatch them away. ‘Emily, love, we’ve got to talk about this. Me and the lads can’t spend our lives apologizing for being men, watching what we say, what we do. It’s not natural and it’s not right.’

  ‘I know, but I can’t help it.’ She was still very uneasy.

  ‘What is it that you hate the most? Come on, tell me now?’

  ‘I don’t want to think about it.’

  ‘I know you don’t, but try. Your mam’s worried to death about you.’

  ‘I just can’t even bear to think about things I used to do.’

  ‘Like what?’ he coaxed, feeling he was nearing a breakthrough.

  ‘The way I used to hug the lads sometimes. Link arms, things like that. I think I would be sick, really sick, if I tried to do anything like that now.’

  He looked into her earnest face and felt defeated. It had affected her far more than he had realized. ‘Well, we’ll just have to think of a way round it.’

  ‘I still love them. They’re my brothers, but it’s not the same any more.’

  ‘I can understand that. Everything has changed, hasn’t it?’

  She nodded.

  ‘And what about Edwin Leeson? He’s called every day you know and he won’t be able to come for much longer.’

  For the first time he saw a glimmer of interest in her eyes. ‘Why?’

  ‘Because when the Mauretania comes back he’s joining her. He refused to stay at his old job. He’s going as a steward or a waiter or something. Won’t you see him before he goes, Emily? The lad is very fond of you.’

  ‘I can’t. I can’t. How can I face him knowing that he saw me like that? That he knew . . .’

  ‘Emily, it’s not your fault. None of it was your fault, you have to get that out of your head right now. He doesn’t think any the worse of you. He’s worried about you, same as we all are. Won’t you see him?’

  She faltered. Was what Albert saying the truth?

  ‘Look, just see him for five minutes. Your mam and me will stay in the room if you want us to.’

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘If you don’t try to fight this problem, Emily, it will never get any better, only worse.’

  ‘How do you know all these things?’

  ‘I don’t “know”. It just seems logical that’s all.’ He smiled at her. ‘So, shall I tell him you’ll see him
later?’

  She nodded.

  ‘That’s my brave girl. And, I’ve another idea. Tell me what you think of it?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Well, when I first took your hands you tried to pull away and you kept on trying for about three minutes but now you’ve stopped. It’s a small step, but it’s a start. So, what we’ll do every day, just you and me, no need to tell everyone, I’ll sit and hold your hands. Just for a few minutes to start with and we’ll lengthen the time a bit each day, until you feel quite happy about it.’

  She didn’t speak but the tears glistened on her lashes. How could she go on hating and despising all men when this man, her stepfather who had no need to care so deeply, bound by no ties of blood to feel outrage, was being so kind and good? She let him wipe away a tear with his index finger and steeled herself not to flinch. A new understanding, a new affection and respect for him was being born and the last thing she wanted to do was to hurt him. Was she on the road to recovery, she wondered, but then she realized that it would be a long, long time before the raw wound healed.

  She had felt well enough to sit in the parlour with Edwin without the presence of either Albert or her mam. She gave him a thin, watery smile as she took the rather wilted-looking bunch of flowers he held out to her.

  ‘They’ve drooped a bit with the heat. Sorry.’

  ‘That doesn’t matter. It’s the thought . . .’ She placed them on the table and sat down, twisting her hands in her lap and praying he wouldn’t try to reach out and touch her.

  ‘Are you feeling better, Em?’

  ‘A bit. Albert is good, kind . . .’

  ‘Salt of the earth. Best bloke I ever met.’

  They both fell silent and she thought how different it would have been in the days before . . . ‘They said you’re going away to sea?’

  ‘Aye. I don’t know how I’ll get on but it’s a job.’

  ‘Won’t you mind not being . . .’

  ‘A butler?’ he interrupted her. ‘No. They’re a dying breed. Soon be extinct like the Dodo,’ he tried to joke. ‘No. The big luxury liners are the thing of the future. Plenty of work and plenty of tips from rich Americans and, who knows, one day I might get to be a chief steward and that’s better than being a butler.’

  A memory stirred. ‘Isn’t that the ship that the Malones are in?’

  ‘Right again. I don’t expect I’ll see much of them though, not that anyone in their right mind would want to see that lot. They’ll be down in the engine room and I’ll be in the dining room.’

  ‘You’re going as a waiter then?’

  ‘Yes. I didn’t fancy being a steward. Glorified skivvy that. Hope I don’t get sick. I wasn’t on the way across the channel in the war and it was rough.’

  She was feeling more at ease and less apprehensive that he would suddenly reach out and take her hand. ‘How long will you be away for?’

  ‘Just under three weeks at a time. We get shore leave in New York while we restock and coal.’ What he didn’t tell her was that rumour had it that the home port was to be changed from Liverpool to Southampton. He wasn’t sure about it but he hoped it wasn’t true. If it was, then he’d ask for another ship. He fiddled nervously with his collar. He had to ask her. ‘Em, can I ask you something?’

  Instantly she was on the defensive. ‘What?’

  ‘We did have an understanding, didn’t we? I don’t know how to say this . . . But has anything changed? I still love you, Em.’

  She’d begun to tremble. Things had changed, how could they help not changing? But it was she who had changed, not him. ‘Edwin, I don’t want to hurt you, but don’t ask me that, not yet, because I don’t know. I just don’t know. Maybe in time, maybe soon I’ll get better and then . . .’ She waved her hands helplessly as she fell silent.

  He should have known better, he told himself. He had been a crass fool to even ask. Of course she needed time to get better, as she’d put it. He could have cut his tongue out. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. We won’t talk about it again until you feel better. Just remember you’re my girl and you always will be.’ He reached out to take her hand but she pulled away from him. That gesture cut him like a knife, although he realized it wasn’t meant to. She just couldn’t help it. Mentally he castrated James Mercer as he did nearly every night.

  ‘You get well and strong, Em. I’ll see you when I get home.’ His tone was light and his smile bright but both gestures were false and forced.

  Chapter Nine

  AT THE WEEKEND A LETTER was delivered to Lonsdale Street. Lily turned it over in her hand, noting the fine quality of the paper, the neat black copperplate writing. She didn’t have to guess who it was from. The paper and the writing, and the fact that they hardly ever received mail, told her plainly.

  She sat down and passed it over to Albert.

  ‘It’s addressed to you, Lily.’

  ‘I know, but I also know who it’s from and I’m uneasy about it.’

  Using the blunt edge of the knife, he slit the envelope open and drew out a single sheet of cream vellum and scanned the two lines of writing. ‘You’re to go to see him this afternoon with Emily, to discuss her future. That’s what he says.’

  ‘I thought it might be something like that. She’ll not go.’

  He sighed heavily. ‘Who can blame her? But it’s bound to be something important, tell her that. Something to her advantage.’

  ‘Compensation?’

  ‘Probably.’

  ‘She’ll not take his money and I won’t blame her.’

  ‘I understand how you feel, love, but she deserves something after what she’s been through. And there’s the fact that we’re not going to drag his son or his precious name through the courts.’

  Lily’s heart was heavy. Was there to be no end to all this heartache? Why couldn’t they be left alone to nurse their wounds? Yet something forced her to demand some kind of retribution.

  Emily refused point blank at first but, after an hour’s coaxing and reasoning by Lily and Albert, she agreed to go. She did insist that they both go with her.

  Edwin let them in. He smiled at Emily and his opinion of her rose. It took guts to come back here, he thought. He was thankful he would finish that evening. He only wished he could have gone into the study with her.

  Richard Mercer greeted them curtly and indicated that Emily and Lily should be seated. He was a deeply troubled man. He would be profoundly grateful when this whole matter was cleared up, for a black cloud hung over the house. Mrs Webster was still her rather aloof and efficient self, hiding her thoughts and accusations beneath that mantle of cold formality she always wore. Cook he hadn’t seen, nor the little chit with the frizzy red hair who had temporarily taken over Phoebe-Ann’s job. Edwin was silent, but it was a brooding, accusing silence that made him feel guilty. Olivia had only been told that James had attacked Emily while the balance of his mind had been disturbed. He didn’t tell her that the disturbance would probably never pass. Olivia could never have been told that her brother had committed rape. It was just too terrible a thing to explain to a young girl. It didn’t cross his mind that Olivia was only a year younger than the girl who had suffered so terribly, and was the same age as Phoebe-Ann who had been told the shocking truth.

  Olivia had wept copiously when James had been taken away with great secrecy and under sedation on the Tuesday night. That was an experience he never wanted to go through again. It would kill him. Of course he would visit his son, he told himself, but looking down the years to come he knew in his heart of hearts that the visits would become more infrequent until they would stop. Insanity was a terrible curse on a family. Even more so on a family as prominent as his, for he hoped Olivia would marry well.

  He was patently aware that Olivia was shallow and totally selfish. That was in part his fault. She had demanded to ‘get away from all this’ as she’d put it, and he’d agreed with her that a cruise was a good idea. She had cried that she couldn’t possibly put up
with that Kitty or another succession of maids now that Phoebe-Ann had gone. Especially after the dreadful experience she’d just gone through. He had thought that perhaps it was best that the events hadn’t touched her deeply. The Berengaria was due to sail for the Far East and he had duly booked her a state room. Now all that remained was to try to compensate Emily and he could try to pick up the pieces of his life.

  He cleared his throat and fiddled with his watch chain. ‘Emily, no words, no actions, no amount of money can compensate you for what you have suffered in this house, at the hands of my son. But in all honour I must try to recompense you.’

  ‘Sir, I don’t want your money!’ Emily burst out. She felt cold. It was as though the atmosphere in the house had wrapped her in its icy folds and she fought down the rising panic.

  Albert placed a steadying hand on her shoulder and she clasped it tightly.

  ‘I wouldn’t insult you with money alone, Emily. No, what I am offering you is work.’ He raised his hand to still the protestations he saw rise to her lips. ‘My dear, departed wife has two aunts, maiden aunts, who live on Princes Avenue. They have a cook and a general factotum, both of whom are advanced in years. But they have no maid or housekeeper. Both have retired due to ill health. They have a small income but I pay for the servants. I’d like you to consider going to work for them. Your salary will of course be paid by me and there will be something invested for you, should you ever decide to marry or choose another path in life.’

  Emily started to speak but he quietly interrupted her. ‘There are no men in the house, except of course Mr Stockley who is as old as Mr Potter who has just retired.’

  Albert squeezed Emily’s hand. ‘It sounds a fair offer, Emily, girl,’ he urged, while wondering if Richard Mercer knew of her fear of men.

  ‘Well, what do you say, love?’ Lily queried. He was trying to make amends. He hadn’t insulted them by offering a large sum of money. That would have appeared to have been a blatant attempt at bribery. Of course what he was offering was a sort of bribe. Nothing had been said but it was taken as read that no fuss would be made.