by Lyn Andrews
Phoebe-Ann relaxed, she even felt sorry for him. ‘I’m sorry, Rhys.’
‘Don’t pity me! The one thing I can’t take is pity. I’ll have to work beside him knowing that you belong to him, but I’ll manage. I don’t need anyone’s pity. I just came to tell you that . . . well, if anything goes wrong, I’ll be here. I’ll still love you.’ He was thankful for the noises issuing from the scullery. He had his pride, he wanted no-one to hear his words except Phoebe-Ann. He also knew he could not run back to the valley. That would be like telling the whole world that he was devastated because of her. No, he would continue to work in the stokehold and he’d keep his pride and dignity and nurse his sorrow in silence.
There were tears on Phoebe-Ann’s lashes as she thanked him and impulsively kissed him on the cheek. She had expected him to be angry and dismissive and his words had moved her. Moved her but not made her budge an inch from her decision.
Emily was let in on the secret but sworn to secrecy, as was Vinny Malone.
‘No-one is going to spoil her day more than they have done already,’ Jake informed his brother and Emily who had both made the short journey to Alice’s with great stealth.
Seeing Phoebe-Ann with him Emily began to wonder if all her sister had said was true. He was sober, clean and well turned out and even his speech was far more refined than his brothers’. Perhaps they had all misjudged him. Then she remembered seeing him on the day of Lily’s wedding. She sighed. Phoebe-Ann had made her decision.
‘There will be just me and Phoebe-Ann, Emily and you, our Vinny, and the vicar. After the bit of a service we’re going to Reeces’ for a slap-up meal. You are both invited.’
Vinny looked impressed but Emily bit her lip.
Phoebe-Ann looked with pleading at her sister, so she nodded. What harm could a few more hours do?
‘And you’ll both be welcome at our house, won’t they Phoebe-Ann?’
‘Yes. I hope you’ll both come and visit me.’ This was directed more to Emily than Vinny because, although she was grateful for his support, she didn’t particularly like him.
Emily smiled at her. She would have to sneak round, Mam must never know.
‘So, when’s the happy day, like?’ Vinny asked, rubbing his hands together in anticipation of a drop of the hard stuff to seal the arrangements.
‘The beginning of the month. November the fifth at ten o’clock.’
‘Oh, that’s great. Guy Fawkes day an’ if me Ma finds out there’ll be more than fireworks goin’ off. But me lips are sealed. Now let’s ’ave a bevvy on it.’
Phoebe-Ann glared at Vinny.
‘Have one for me on the way home. Alice’s Mam don’t keep any booze in the house,’ Jake grinned.
Vinny looked disgusted and, as he left, Emily heard him mutter, ‘Right bleeding do this will be. More like a wake than a weddin’ an’ the gob on ’er when I mentioned a bevvy. Me ma’s right.’ Although Emily didn’t agree with him she had to smile. Phoebe-Ann had already worked wonders on Jake Malone.
As the weeks went by, Lily was sure that Emily knew something although she denied it. Each time Lily questioned her she said, ‘Mam, if you would only go and see Phoebe-Ann yourself, she’ll explain . . .’
‘No! I’ll never speak to her again until she comes here and tells me it’s all off and that she’s learned her lesson.’
‘You know she won’t do that. But she is all right and Mrs Wainwright told me to tell you that she is doing everything to try to talk her out of it.’
‘It’s a bit late now. I should have put a stop to her running around with the likes of Alice Wainwright, then she’d never have met that . . . that “no mark”!’
‘Oh, Mam, you couldn’t have stopped her. She’s grown up.’
‘She’s not twenty-one. I could stop her and I could do it even now.’
‘Then why haven’t you?’
‘Because Albert said what good would it do. I’d have had to take her before the justices and the scandal of that! Then as soon as my back was turned she’d only run off to that place in Scotland, Gretna something or other, or worse, maybe even leave the country. It’s been done before and she’s such a trusting little fool. I just keep praying she’ll come to her senses and come home.’
Emily had patted her mother’s shoulder. ‘You do still worry about her, even though you say you don’t.’
‘How can I help it, Emily? She’s my own flesh and blood. I was so angry, I still am, but if she were to come in here now and tell me she was coming home I’d be the happiest woman in the whole of this city. All I can do is hope that by cutting her off she’ll stop and think.’
It was on the tip of Emily’s tongue to say that maybe they had misjudged him, that he did look as though he’d mended his ways, but then Lily would know she had seen him and spoken to him and that was something she couldn’t let happen, both for her mam’s and Phoebe-Ann’s sakes.
‘Mam, if you’d just see her.’
‘Don’t! Don’t Emily. I won’t hear another word.’
Emily had turned away, knowing it was a lost cause.
Chapter Sixteen
PHOEBE-ANN HAD NO WHITE satin wedding dress or long veil but an ivory coat and dress with a matching hat. The big bouquet she’d always envisaged was reduced to a small posy but at least it was a proper wedding, she told herself, in a church and not a drab, bare room.
Emily felt so sorry for her sister as she stood beside her in the otherwise empty church. Nothing had turned out right for Phoebe-Ann. They’d often daydreamed about what kind of weddings they would have in the days before so much tragedy had overtaken them.
From the money Miss Nesta had given her, Emily had bought the happy couple a very nice eiderdown and bedspread in cream-coloured heavy cotton overlaid with deep pink roses. She’d bought them from Sturla’s Department Store and they’d kindly wrapped them up, too. Phoebe-Ann had been so delighted that she had insisted on putting them on the bed at once. Jake had noted that it hadn’t crossed Vinny’s mind to buy them anything.
When the service was over and Phoebe-Ann was the new Mrs Malone and had been duly kissed by her new husband, her sister and her new brother-in-law, Emily had reluctantly excused herself, leaving the newlyweds and Vinny to enjoy their solitary wedding breakfast at Reeces’.
‘Did everything turn out satisfactorily?’ Miss Millicent asked when she returned.
‘Yes, thank you, miss.’
‘Let’s hope it continues like that.’
‘Oh, I’m sure it will, Millie.’ Miss Nesta looked wistful. ‘Such a pity for so few people to attend, though I really do admire your sister, Emily.’
‘Why?’ Miss Millicent asked sharply of her sister.
‘Because she has the courage to follow her destiny.’
Miss Millicent tutted. ‘Destiny, indeed!’
Miss Nesta looked knowingly at Emily. ‘Was she lovely? Is she happy?’
‘Yes, she looked lovely and I think she is happy.’
‘When will she tell your mama?’
Emily frowned. ‘I don’t know, miss. I don’t think she is going to tell her at all.’
‘Why not?’
‘What is the point, miss? She knows Mam won’t entertain him and she’s gone and done what Mam forbade her to do – married him.’
‘Oh, dear.’
‘I feel so sorry for your poor Mama,’ Miss Millicent said.
Miss Nesta smiled. ‘Let’s not dwell on it. Have you and your young man set a date yet, Emily?’
‘No, not yet. There’s been all this fuss over Phoebe-Ann, I don’t think Mam could stand coping with me as well.’ She began to place the dirty teacups on the tray. Her excuse was so feeble but only she knew that.
The meal at Reeces’ had been lovely, despite the fact that Vinny’s table manners left much to be desired and his loud comments had made her cringe, Phoebe-Ann thought as she folded her clothes and slipped on the new nightdress. Jake had persuaded her to have a ‘bit of a drink’ to celebrate, for the restaurant o
nly served wines which both he and Vinny had derided. She’d agreed. After all it was a special day. She’d had three sherries and had felt very light-headed as they’d walked for the tram home. Jake and Vinny had been very merry – not drunk, just merry, she’d told herself; after all, it was a celebration. The effects of the sherry had worn off, leaving her with a slight headache and a deepening feeling of apprehension.
Of course she knew all about the ‘birds and bees’ as Lily called it, but she didn’t know what it would be like in reality. She’d dreamed, imagined, but not too deeply. Alice had hinted that it wasn’t in the least bit wonderful, not that she’d had personal experience, she’d added hastily. She’d once heard her mam confiding in her Aunty Edna that she planned all the meals and made mental shopping lists while ‘it’ was going on. Phoebe-Ann had been dismayed. ‘It can’t be that bad!’ she’d cried. Alice had shrugged. ‘Sometimes it’s worse, so I’ve heard.’
Phoebe-Ann had remembered Emily and how she’d looked that terrible night and now that image of her sister – bruised, beaten and shaking with shock and horror – filled her mind. What if it was so awful? What if it was always violent? What would she do? What could she do? She tried to clear her head. No, it just couldn’t be like that. Mam had never looked . . . shocked or bruised. She realized that she was shaking and it wasn’t just because the room was cold.
She climbed into bed, the icy smoothness of the new sheets serving to increase the shivering. She pulled the blankets and coverlet up to her chin. The romantic dream she’d cherished had never really taken her further than the altar. She’d never really thought about this aspect of marriage. Mentally she shook herself. ‘Don’t be such a little fool!’ she scolded herself. She loved Jake and he loved her. It would be wonderful, it wouldn’t be like Emily’s nightmare experience. She closed her eyes wishing she could get all thoughts of Emily and James Mercer out of her mind.
Her eyes opened wide as Jake came into the room, but she closed them tightly as he began to undress. Her cheeks burned with embarrassment and she wished he would switch off the light. She had never seen a man naked and she couldn’t bring herself to open her eyes.
At last the room was in darkness and he got into bed, his hands reaching for her. She turned towards him, still trembling. He grunted, thinking it was desire that had overwhelmed her. She began to relax as he kissed her, thinking what an idiot she’d been. What was there to fear? He loved her.
His kisses and caresses became more passionate, almost rough in his urgency, and, suddenly, panic washed over Phoebe-Ann. He was hurting her. She cried for him to stop but he ignored her and the panic deepened. It was going to be the same for her as it had been for Emily! This disregard for her feelings, her needs, her dreams. Where was the tenderness, the gentleness, the soft, sweet caresses? This was how it must be for everyone she thought, only no-one had ever told her. She tried to lash out, to push him away but he was too strong and now he seemed to be in the grip of a power that was driving him to do terrible things to her. This wasn’t the Jake she loved, this was someone else. He was pushing himself into her and she began to fight him, screaming in pain and fear.
With an effort Jake pulled away from her. ‘What’s the matter?’
‘Stop it! Stop it!’ she screamed.
‘What’s wrong? You’re my wife, Phoebe-Ann, I love you and this is . . . this is . . .’ He couldn’t find the right words to explain to her that this was normal.
‘You’re hurting me! It’s horrible . . . it’s just like what . . .’ she stopped, suddenly remembering he didn’t know about Emily and James Mercer.
‘I didn’t mean to hurt you, Phoebe-Ann.’
She began to cry softly and Jake looked at her with a mixture of frustration, disappointment and bewilderment. He’d known she was a virgin but he’d never expected this rejection, this fear.
Phoebe-Ann swallowed hard. Only hours ago she’d promised to ‘love, honour and obey’ and she’d heard him say the words ‘with my body I thee worship’. That made it right. It was bound up with marriage. She was his wife now and it was his right. Slowly she nodded. She would just have to try to cope with it. Maybe, maybe in time she’d even enjoy it, after all she’d been so eager to marry him and she’d known what marriage entailed, so why was she feeling like this? It was something to do with Emily and James Mercer, that much she realized. Something to do with the feelings of guilt that invaded her mind in the dark hours of the night. But she must try not to think like that. This was her wedding night, she was supposed to be happy.
She lay with her eyes closed, her arms around his neck and when he entered her she bit back the cry of pain. Her body was rigid, her nerves taut, although she didn’t realize it, and when Jake rolled away from her she felt bruised and somehow violated. Two teardrops crept from beneath her lashes and slid down her cheeks. Oh, why hadn’t Mam told her it would be like this? She’d believed that it would be like . . . like what? She hadn’t let her imagination go this far. She wished she could talk to Emily but she knew she could never, ever confide in her sister, it would only hurt her. She wished she could talk to her mam, ask her advice, invite her sympathy. But Mam wasn’t even speaking to her. She wished she could tell Jake about Emily, maybe then he would understand why she had suddenly been overcome by this awful fear and revulsion. It was out of the question. She would never subject Emily to that, for she couldn’t be certain that Jake wouldn’t tell his brothers.
Jake lay staring at the ceiling, feeling dismayed and a little annoyed. What the hell had got into her? She’d been eager to get married. She’d never before rejected his advances, so why now? After all they’d been through to get wed now she had gone all cold and rigid, as though he was raping her. She couldn’t be afraid of him. It must be something to do with the way her ma had explained things to her. Or maybe she hadn’t explained at all. Perhaps she’d been left to find out from other people, but however she had learned about it she must have known what it entailed. All the other girls he’d been out with had, but then she was different. He’d put her on a pedestal, but would she prove to be as cold as a marble statue? Maybe it was because he’d been too eager, but he’d been patient long enough. No, it was just because it was the first time for her. She hadn’t known what to expect. Next time things would be different.
Next time and the three times after that were just as bad. Phoebe-Ann was unable to disassociate herself from Emily’s experiences although she tried hard. The nagging guilt grew out of all proportion until she started to believe that this was her punishment for what she believed was her part in Emily’s tragedy. Each time she lay stiff, biting her lip to cut off the cries and each time she’d cried herself to sleep. She still loved Jake, she told herself, and in every other aspect their marriage was good. If only she didn’t have to share the same bed. All she needed was some time and patience, she would get used to it, she would get better, she vowed.
Jake had tried to be patient with her but he was not a patient man, nor could he understand her rejection of him. She said she loved him and he had to admit that things between them were fine, until they went to bed. Because his patience and tolerance were strained he began to feel annoyed. What more did she want of him? He’d virtually given up the drink, he’d alienated his family, he’d given her everything she’d wanted, they’d even married in her church and now . . . now she couldn’t bear him to make love to her. Oh, she’d been eager enough for his kisses and embraces before, although because he had respected her he’d not touched her. Had she really only been looking for someone to provide her with a place of her own, a ring on her finger and the title of ‘Mrs’? No, it hadn’t been like that at all, he told himself. She’d fallen head over heels in love with him. She wasn’t a ‘gold digger’. Despite all his reasoning the seeds of doubt had been sown and they refused to be dislodged. Well, she’d have plenty of time – he was sailing again soon and when he returned things were bound to be better. ‘Absence makes the heart grow fonder’ Vinny always joked about
his girls. He knew her heart and soul were his, he just wished her body was too.
Albert was worried about her. ‘Why don’t you go and see her, Lily? Give it one last try?’
‘It won’t work. She has always been stubborn when she’s set her mind on something; she’s like her da, and she’s obviously set her mind on him. God help us all! I’d only go and lose my temper with her and I’ll not have Mrs Wainwright with her ear glued to the door, nor would it be fitting for me to be laying down the law in her house. In her way she’s been good to Phoebe-Ann. At least I’ve known she has a roof over her head and something to eat.’
‘Look, if you won’t go and see Phoebe-Ann, why not go and see him? I’ll come with you.’
‘Him! I’d never lower myself to speak to any of them!’
‘Then his ma? Now, before you go up in the air, think about it. She’s probably not happy about the whole thing either. For different reasons, of course, but she is his mother, whatever we think of her. She must have some concern for him.’
‘Concern! That’s a word she doesn’t even know. How can she when she’s managed to bring up a tribe of hooligan drunks?’
‘She’s a widow, like you were. Perhaps she just couldn’t do as good a job with her lot as you did with yours.’
‘She’d have done better if she’d stayed out of the pub, and I haven’t done all that well, have I? Oh, you’re such a good man Albert Davies, you look for goodness in everyone, even Ma Malone.’
‘Then go and see her? Have a bit of a talk with her, see if you can both forget your differences and talk the pair of them out of it? Tell her it will be the biggest mistake he’ll ever make, as it will be for Phoebe-Ann.’
Lily thought about it. She couldn’t see what Ma Malone could object to in Phoebe-Ann, except her religion. She was a far better class of girl than any of the Malones deserved and in her view the old harridan should be grateful, but Albert was usually right. ‘Oh, I suppose it’s worth a try. I’ll swallow my pride then.’
